BookGeeks R me

LETTERS FROM HELLSING LI

2011-11-29T17:31:00.076-05:00

I looked up and sagged with relief to see Seras standing in the doorway then surged upward in a panic, dumping Anders off my back in the process, when I saw the blood dripping from her hand where she clutched the blade of Zelig's knife just inches from her left eye.

"Ahhh! Seras, what did he do to you? Don't worry, I'm coming, I'm coming!" I screeched, bowling aside several armed mercenarys who happened to be in my way. I careened into the captain who had reached her before me then rebounded off Sherman before shoving my way back to Seras' side.

"Is it bad? Let me see. Oh my poor baby! My poor, poor baby." I crooned. I kicked up such a fuss, the captain was forced to interrupt his tending of Seras' wound and relinquish her hand so that I could examine it. Tears continued to roll down my cheeks even after Seras assured me she was OK and showed me how the cut was already closing on its own.

"You see Chanson," Said the captain as he tucked me under his arm and chucked Seras under her chin. "ma pauvre carotte découpée peu, she shall be whole again quite soon." He laughed ruefully as Seras batted his hand away. "You, on the other hand are still bleeding." He said handing me a tissue. so I could staunch the nose bleed which had started back up again. "Perhaps I shall start calling you lapin de chant."

"And this reminds me...Zelig!"

Zelig, who had been standing motionless, eyes wide and round as he gazed at Seras throughout the entire exchange, finally spoke. "That," He said in a breathless reverent tone. "was absolutely outstanding."

"It bloody well wasn't!" Shouted Seras.

"Totally spectacular." He said, dreamily. "Only wish I'd thought to film it."

"I've got my camera." Offered Sherman.

"OOh excellent." Said Zelig clapping his hands and grinning. "Let's do it again! Ready Victoria?" He asked reaching for his boot knife.

"What? No!" Yelped Seras.

"Ow! What was that for Capitan?" Asked Zelig rubbing the back of his head where Burnadett had slapped him.

"What part of 'Hold your fire' did you not understand?" Growled the captain.

"But I didn't shoot her, I threw a knife now now didn't I?"

"Paugh!" Said the captain.

"Well, he's got a point." Said Sherman. "Ow! Wha'd I do Sarge?"

"Stop encouraging him." Said Marks.

"You see," Said Zelig deftly dodging a second smack from the captain. "The way I figured it, if it wasn't Victoria busting in here then someone had better slow whatever it was down but if it was her, well, it's not like it was going to kill her... seeing as how she's already dead."

The captain stopped, hand poised mid-strike as he digested Zelig's logic.

"Well I'll be damned." Said Marks. "He actually does have a point."

"Yes, excellent job Zelig," Said the captain sarcastically. "Wounding Victoria and making our Corrine cry was just an added bonus then, no?"

Zelig, who up to this point had been looking pretty pleased with himself, stiffened turned to me with a look of consternation. "Is this true Corrine?"

"Yes Bertie."

He walked over and peered up into my face. "But why? It makes your face all blotchy." He asked puzzled.

"Because Bertie, you hurt Seras. You hurt someone I love."

"So when I hurt Victoria, I hurt you."

"Yes Bertie."

"And made you cry."

"Yes Bertie."

"Because you love her?"

"Yes."

"Oh." He reached out and placed a finger on my cheek. "And if someone were to hurt me Corrine," He asked solemnly. "would it make you cry?"

"You know Bertie, I believe I would."

"Everyone should have someone to cry for them." He whispered, tracing the wet track of one of my tears down my face. He turned to Seras and said somberly. "I'm sorry I threw a knife at you and made Corrine cry."

You could have heard a pin drop. Zelig never apologized for anything. Ever.

"Well, no permanent harm done." Said Seras grudgingly.

"So next time, I'll just make sure Corrine's not around before I throw the knife." He said beaming up at her with inspiration.

"Aaand he's back." Said Stewart shaking his head ruefully.

"You bloody well won't!" Shouted Seras. "I'll throw it right back at that big stupid head of yours see if I don't!"

"Fair enough." Shrugged Zelig, who was always willing to suffer for his art. "But could you aim for the shoulder or the upper arm so I don't snuff it? Ah, iridescent." He said holding his finger which was still damp from my tears up to the light. "Lovely"

Seras stared at him with a mixture of horror and pity. "My God," She said quietly. "You really are insane aren't you?"

"Can't prove it in court." He said slyly as he tilted his head and shrugged one shoulder. Then his eyes lit up again and he flashed her the most charming grin. "Come on Victoria, we'll post on You Tube. It will be fantastic!"

"Probably go viral!" Said Sherman enthusiastically. "Ow! Sarge, what?"

Marks raised an eyebrow.

"Oh right, 'encouraging'." He said. "Still think it would be cool." He muttered under his breath.

"What do you say Victoria?"

"No."

"Hmmm." Said Zelig. "We'll film it in in the grotto I think."

"I said no."

"Oooo. and dress you as Artemis in a lovely white toga."

"No!"

"Will her left breast be exposed?" Asked the captain.

"Well that goes without saying."

"I like it."

"No! Never! Absolutely not! Listen to me you demented dwarf, I'm not going to do it ever!"

He sighed. "Fine you Philistine, we'll fuzzy out the naughty bits."

The assorted 'boos' and 'awws' were interrupted by a cultured and, according to sgt. Marks, satanic voice. "Much as I am sure Ms. Victoria would look positively delightful in a toga, I am afraid the non-publicity clause in her employee contract will not allow for you to continue in this endeavour Mr. Zelig. And on a possibly unrelated note, would anyone care to explain to me why it is I have found poor corporal Beddings stuffed in closet and covered with jam?"

LETTERS FROM HELLSING L

2011-09-14T09:21:00.105-04:00

The "Irish Ballad" went over so well that I was going to follow it up with "We will all Go Together When we Go" but Bulls came over and offered me a Kit Kat to sing "The Banks O'Doon" so I sang that instead. I was about halfway through "Will Ye Go Lassie Go?", (I really like Kit Kats), when Seras went to ground and Stewart and I discovered our limitations.

Seras had slipped into the catacombs under the estate and as soon as she passed the family crypt and entered the caves I lost my mental map and found it almost impossible to track her. Stewart, in turn, was learning that the signal from a small, portable tracking device rapidly loses strength through several meters of solid rock.

I needed to focus, so while Stewart muttered about redheads and tried to tweak the signal, I switched to hymns.

" I come to the garden alone..."

I can feel her...

"while the dew is still on the roses..."

but where exactly is she? I closed my eyes and let the words flow through me.

"And the voice I hear, falling on my ear, the son of God discloses..."

Suddenly, my eyes snapped open and my body began to rotate, orienting itself to face Seras' position. "She's there." I murmured, pointing roughly downward and to the left.

"And, He walks with me, and He talks with me..."

Stewart pounded away on his keyboard and cursed cheap Chinese batteries and 'bloody undead redheads'.

"And He tells me that I am His own..."

"Interesting," Said Marks. "This could have some potential."

"Hmmn" The captain said as he sidled up to me. "This is good Chanson" He said touching my shoulder. "but in what direction is she moving?"

I didn't stop singing, just raised my other arm and traced a line in the air.

"And the joy we share as we tarry there..."

"Du sud-est" Said the captain.

"none other,..."

"Some very definite potential." Said Marks as he checked his compass.

"has ever,..." .

"C'est très bon mon champignon chéri. Said Burnadett. "Now, how fast is she travelling?"

"...known."

"She's walking." I murmured then frowned, puzzled, and reached for my dictionary. "Why a mushroom? Are we out of root vegetables already? "

"Possibly." evaded the captain, as he lit a cigarette.

"I begin to suspect you have a vitamin deficiency."

"I begin to suspect you both of a deficiency." Said Marks. "Have you forgotten we are tracking a vampire here?"

"Sorry." I said trying to concentrate. I closed my eyes and tried to be good and find Seras, but it just popped out. "What about carrots? You haven't yet called me a carrot."

"Alas, there is but room for only one carrot in my heart and she has gone deep under the the ground. Will you find her for me Chanson? Will you please find ma carotte douce et croquante for me?"

"OK, now your just being creepy."

"Stop distracting her!" Roared Marks.

"She started it."

"Did not!"

He glared us both into silence.

"Got her!" Shouted Stewart triumphantly.

"Glad someone's still working." Said Marks causticity. "How'd you boost the signal?"

"Didn't have too. I tapped into the com lines we ran through the caves."

"Good thought but that won't help us when we're hunting in a location where you haven't installed your spy-ware. Now, don't give me that look Corrine." He said, turning to me. "We'll uninstall it when our contracts over...and the final payment clears."

I huffed.

"And don't you go running to that butler!"

"You mean 'der Teufel'" I asked innocently.

"Yes, him!" He said picking up Stewart's extra laptop. "I am in fact, a bit surprised that he hasn't already found and disabled...oh, fluch dumm von mir. Stewart! I want diagnostics run on all of your equipment first thing in the morning! "

"Sarge?"

"Were looking for bugs."

"Right Sarge!"

"You," Said Marks, turning to the captain. "I have an idea so, stop distracting her!" He said as he booted up the computer.

"Aren't you supposed to be the boss round here?" I whispered.

"I am, when it matters." Shrugged Burnadett. "The rest of the time, pheh, he can have it." He took a deep drag off his cigarette then wafted away in cloud of philosophical smoke.

"And you," Marks said leading me back over to Stewart. "Now, don't take this the wrong way Corrine but, shut up and sing."

I nodded and closed my eyes.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."

"Nice." Said Stewart.

"That saved a wretch like me...."

"Very nice." Said Marks. "Now,"

"I once was lost..."

"find her for me Corrine." He took my hand and placed it on the laptop screen.

"but now am found..."

"Find your little friend liebst ." He said as he released my hand.

"Was blind..."

"Show me where she is."

"but now I see..."

I pointed.

"She's dead on." I heard Stewart say.

I opened my eyes and saw a schematic of the cave system glowing on the laptop screen in front of me and that my finger was pointing to a cave on said screen that corresponded exactly to the cave on Stewart's screen with the blinking red "Seras" dot. I blinked back, amazed.

"Excellent." Said Marks, placing himself between Stewart and me so I could not see the other screen. "Now, show me where she is going."

I Smiled and closed my eyes again.

"Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear...."

It grew easier and easier as the song progressed. I just rolled along with the lyrics and occasionally pointed my finger. I didn't even have to open my eyes, I just waited for the distant sound of Stewart's voice confirming my hits. I was also vaguely aware that the Geese had gathered around me as we went on and could feel their undivided interest but I simply placed that knowledge to one side letting it add to the murmuring background noise of the living and non-living things around me.

It was almost too easy, I was literally finding Seras with my eyes closed. But then the little minx swung into the grotto and I started to pick up a second signal.

I tried to ignore it but it was like those old "silent" fans they used to have in the escalator shaft at Montgomery Ward that would whine, just on the edge of awareness, pressing in on your eardrums and vibrating against your fillings. Impossible to ignore. It was a horrible creeping wrongness that, at all costs, I could not, must not believe was real. But it was there, a persistent, unpleasant, festering void, painfully demanding my attention like a cavity. Every time I tried to bat it away and deny it, it stabbed back harder. It was like biting over and over on a piece of tinfoil. My head was pounding and I began to sweat with the effort of denial.

I became so wrapped up in defending against her diversion that I almost missed Seras exiting the cave. I muttered under my breath and cursed her mentally while I tried to refocus. Someone was touching my shoulder, trying to get my attention but I shook them off stabbing viscously at the computer screen with my finger. She wasn't getting away from me! not after that little stunt.

Somewhere in the background, I distantly heard Stewart's voice somewhere droning 'no, wrong. wrong way!' but I did not care. I had her now and she was moving fast through the stockpile caverns. up and east.

"No," Stewart buzzed, "South!"

Someone was pulling on my arm. They were beginning to annoy me. I redoubled my efforts to focus.

"Rock of Ages,..."

Seras was on a roll now. zooming under the motor pool towards the proving grounds.

"cleft for me..."

Then, just like that, she was on the surface smack dab in the middle of the obstetrical course. There must have been a hidden exit that I wasn't aware of.

"Let me hide myself in thee..."

Suddenly, I was right there with her. I felt her stretch her limbs and revel in her strength as she effortlessly leaped to the top of the climbing wall to get her bearings.

"Let the water and the blood,..."

I could feel the cool night breeze caressing our face and smell the green spring growth.

"From Thy wounded side which flowed,..."

We grinned with pleasure at the sleepy murmurs of small animals around us, matching our pulses up with the rhythm of their sweet living heartbeats, our hunger temporally dulled by sentimental yearning to hold on to this illusion of being alive once more, if only for a moment.

"be of sin the double cure,..."

We sighed, 'oh well' and turned to face the barracks.

"save from wrath,..."

Work to be done. Now, how best to approach the target?

"and make me pure..."

Hands were gripping us, shaking us. We slapped them away annoyed. Something wet and stinging cold hit our face just above our upper lip. We reached up and touched our face confused. Seras' hand came away wet from a raindrop. My hand was wet from...Whoof!

Without warning, I was enveloped in a chemical haze. I came up coughing and sputtering, my eyes watering like mad.

"What?" I gasped shoving Anders hand out from under my nose. "What are you doing! Why did you do that?"

"You were unresponsive." He said showing me the ammonia capsule he held in one hand.

"So?"

"And bleeding." He said holding up a pink tinged alcohol pad with his other hand.

"But I had her! I was locked in. I had her right here!" I shouted as I pointed to my temple. "And you made me lose her!"

"I'm sorry Corrine but you didn't." Said Stewart.

I whirled on him. "I had her." I ground out between clenched teeth.

"Sorry luv but no. You lost her just outside the grotto and have been pointing the wrong way ever since. See?" He said tapping his computer screen.

I glared at the screen and saw where my hits and the signal from the tracking device diverged. I slumped, I had been so sure.

"Its OK Corrine you were doing great till ..."

"Wait a second. Isn't that a water channel ?" I asked tracing the path Stewart's computer said Seras had taken with a finger.

"Yes, so?"

"So your telling me that Seras ran into the grotto, jumped off the bridge into freezing cold water, swam down the canal, waded through the settling pools then...., crawled through a 12 inch feeder pipe so she could paddle around in leisurely circles in the cistern?"

"What is this?" Barked Marks. Grabbing the screen.

"As opposed to her barrelling through solid rock and tunnelling under the motor pool? Yes."

"So she what, collapsed her skeleton and grew gills?"

"No, she chewed through solid rock and popped out of the ground like a daisy!"

"Oh don't be stupid."

"Stupid!"

Marks slammed the computer back down on the table. "So which is it? Is she a fish or a mole now?" He asked glaring at us.

I opened my mouth to answer, then hesitated because:
a, there was probably a reason the Geese didn't know about the tunnel under the motor pool &
b, they had automatically assumed I was the one who lost track of Seras. Jerks!

"She could, I suppose be a platypus, they both swim and burrow...or an otter." Offered Zelig.

"An otter?!" Shouted Marks.

"Well a river otter maybe." I mused. My feelings were still a bit hurt.

"Otters? Cuttlefish! What is it with you two and the zoology lessons today?"

"An artist. A true artist should study and understand his subjects." Said Zelig smugly.

"I watch a lot of PBS." I shrugged.

"Ridiculous!" barked Marks. "This gets us nowhere."

"Perhaps, because you miss the obvious." Said the Capitan strolling back over in a blanket of Turkish smog.

"Do, tell." Growled Marks.

"Well, you see our little Corrine here, she did not actually claim that Victoria tunnelled her way out of the caves did she?"

"Well, no but..."

"Perhaps, this is because the tunnel was already there. Perhaps what you should have asked yourself mon amie was where, in this cavern," He said tapping the screen. "a tunnel entrance could be hidden no?"

"But we've thoroughly searched those caverns Blaven even pinged them with the sonar when..."

"The weapons lockers!" Said Blaven smacking his hand on his forehead. "The auxiliary units behind the machine shop. They was already installed before we got here and it were them regs*, not us, that moved the merchandise into that particular area."

*Regs; regular soldiers or as Griffin liked to put it, "The poor slobs who hav'ta follow regulations as well as orders.". In this case, Capt. Chamber's men.

"Hmmn that butler did oversee the final mountings in that area himself but he did that for the main weapons lockers as well. Still, all that lead and steel might mask a tunnel from the sonar and the frames of the lockers would definitely conceal any seams that might normally give the entrance away...It's the perfect little bolt hole."

The captain nodded. "Hidden in plain sight, easily barricaded, one maybe two men could cover your escape."

"You could even re-arm yourself on the way out. Marks continued.

"And all that ammo." Said Zelig. "Probably has the whole cave rigged to blow once they're clear. Ha, genius!"

Griffin whistled in appreciation. "Total death trap. Sweet!"

"Undead trap you mean." Said Sherman. "Take a ghoul awhile to dig their way out of that. It'd even slow that Alucard down a bit I bet. No wonder they didn't want us to know about it."

"It's bloody brilliant." Said Stewart. "Perhaps Mr. Walter is the devil."

"Or works for her anyway." Said Anders.

That got an amused snort from several of the men.

"This," Said Marks. "is a very good thing to know. This, is the sort of thing that can guarantee final payment. This, is the sort of thing that bonuses are made of!" He finished rubbing his hands together with glee.

"Yeah, the 'shut your trap' variety." Snickered Griffin.

I stood gaping at them aghast. No wonder they had been kept in the dark about the escape tunnel.

"The word you are searching for Chanson is 'mercenary'." Grinned the captain.

"So where did you say the tunnel exits Corrine?" Asked Stewart.

"I didn't!" I snapped.

"Here, by the motor pool?" He asked pointing to a storage shed.

"Garage makes mooore sense." Said Bulls. "Could snag a vehicle an stay unner cover while looden it." They all looked at me expectantly.

"I take it back. She's in the cistern." I evaded.

"Oh come off it Corrine." Said Stewart. "You beat me fair and square. Now, be a mate and spill."

I shook my head.

"We are your friends now ain't we Corrine?" Asked Griffin crowding into my space.

I nodded warily.

"So, friends share." He said, reaching out and plucking an invisible piece of fluff from my hair. He leaned in and rumbled in my ear. "Why not be a good friend and share now?"

"Go play with Nurse Pringle, Hoss." I said pushing him away with a finger.

"Aww Come on Rin, play nice and tell us."

I thinned my lips and shook my head mulishly. I'd done enough damage to Hellsing for one night.

"Leave her be!" Growled Marks elbowing the Griffin mountain to one side. "We understand liebst." He nodded to me. "Loyalty's a complicated thing for people with scruples. It's why I avoid having them. You don't have to tell us. We'll figure it out on our own. Give this idiot something better to do than put his hands where they don't belong." He said warningly to Griffin. "Someone might just chop off his arm and feed it to him one day."

"Has everyone forgotten that we are tracking a vampire here?" Asked the Captain mimicking Marks' voice as he pulled out and frowned at his BlackBerry. Marks had his out as well and Stewart had swung back around to his computer screen and was typing like crazy. "Speaking of which, something has tripped several perimeter alarms. Perhaps it would be wise to see if it is your little friend before we shoot it no?" He said glancing at me.

"Yes!" I agreed and closed my eyes in preparation but before I could so much as sing a note, there was crashing sound and the tinkle of breaking glass overhead followed by a strangled scream in the corridor.

Marks cursed and stepped in front of me. All of the Geese had drawn their weapons.

The door burst open and I was pushed to the ground knocking the breath out of me before I was able to shout "No, don't shoot!". Someone was on top of me shielding my body I desperately tried to buck him off me terrified for Seras so I almost missed Burnadett's barked order to "Hold your fire!" just as Seras burst into the room singing "Rock of Ages" at the top of her lungs.

"While I draw this fleeting br...bloody hell Zelig watch where you're throwing those things."

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLIX

2011-08-18T20:00:00.142-04:00

"I'm afraid this is really going to be annoying for Seras." I said.

"Oh yes?" asked the captain hopefully.

"Try not to look too thrilled." I said. "You got her cell number?"

"Speed dial one." He said pulling out his phone and grinning.

"OK. Don't call her yet. Just be ready."

And so, much to Seras' exasperation, began "The Great Vampire Hunt". Well maybe "Great" is bit of a stretch but the title "The Highly Educational Yet, Terribly Interesting And Vastly Entertaining Search for Seras across the Hellsing Estate" while more accurate is, in my humble god-like opinion, a bit too convoluted for public consumption.

Basically; I sang, Seras ran and the captain made crank calls.

Specifically; I demonstrated my new-found ability to locate and track the movements of the undead from a "relatively" safe distance.

It was a bit like the method I had been using to send messages and images to Seras for the last couple of weeks but, instead of throwing balls of thought at her to catch; I was casting my awareness out like a net to find her position without actually sending her any sort of message. It's a bit like sonar but instead of using sound, I was using thought to "see" without being seen or sensed rather.

It was the not the sensing part for me that had been hard to learn. At this point, I could find Seras in my sleep but the not being sensed part, that was much harder and according to Alucard, being quite key to my future survival in the field, the reason for my most recent set of bruises.

I am apparently clumsy as an ox and loud as, well, a “stupid, clumsy ox” on the psychic plane. It was annoying enough, he said, that he had to listen to me "squawking" at the top of my mental lungs as Seras and I "blathered on and on like idiots", but one moronic misstep while I was scanning a building for vampires and I would not only give away my physical location but expose myself to a possible mental backlash that could leave me brain dead, if I were lucky or howling, gibbering mad if I were not. Gosh, he's fun. So he taught me how to make my general thoughts more diffuse so they would blend in with the background and create a sort of mental white noise while I was casting out and sifting through the echoes in my net.

Here, is where the quick have a slight advantage over the dead. You see, life is everywhere and living things, even if it is on the most rudimentary level, think and thinking creates waves or noise if you will, on the psychic plane. And humans, apparently, make a lot of noise. Not, according to Alucard, because we are sentient or self aware but because we are so unbelievably self-centered. From our first breath to our last, we humans literally sing a non-stop chorus of "Me, me, me, me, I, I, I!”. When I pointed out to him that he was without a doubt, hands down, the most egotistical, self centered creature I had ever met, he laughed and said of course he was and rightfully so but vampires, already being aware of their extreme superiority over all living things, felt no need to muck up the aether chuntering on about it. That, and the fact that one vampire is just as likely to attack and destroy another vampire just for the fun if it, or maybe that was just him. Either way, not so much noise.

So, the advantage for me then was that a human can theoretically learn to blend their thoughts in with the thoughts of the quite literally millions of their fellow living creatures in a given acre but the undead are usually quite spare on the ground and therefore, once you knew what to look for, much easier to spot. Think of it this way, if you had a portable brain wave scanner pointed at a goldfish, you could expect at least some reading be it the smallest of wiggles, you would not however expect any reading from say a grandfather clock or bowl of soup*.

*Should you get such a reading from a grandfather clock, I suggest you check for mice. Should you get such a reading from your soup, I suggest that you immediately throw it away.

At first, I tried to just be background noise when looking for Seras and not human at all, just a random living thing. I tried thoughts like “How lovely to be an ant today” and “perhaps I can grow my roots a bit deeper to reach that water.” But what came across to Seras was more like: “OK, so, I’m an ant now, hmmm...What do ants think?...‘EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY’... OK, T.H. White notwithstanding?...‘Mammy, mammy, mammy’...Ack! No stop it...Perhaps if I were a plant...Plants need water so...OWW!...Did he just throw a grape at me?..." and so on.

So after Alucard's gentle prompting I worked on being human background noise. Just a generic human no one in particular. Certainly no one who had any interest whatsoever in vampires or other such non-existent nonsense. This went over almost as well as the ant disguise. You know how when a cat pretends it is not in the least bit interested in the bird hopping a few feet away from it? Well, I was the cat, Seras was the bird and Alucard was a big pile of rocks landing on my head.

Eventually, after much bruising and an ear full of raspberry juice, (where does he get all of that fruit?) I finally hit on a method that would focus most of my random and subconscious thoughts away from the task at hand while also masking my scans as background noise but still leaving me nominally aware of my surroundings.

I sang.

When I sing, I tend to sing loud, both on the physical and psychic plane and when I really get into a song I start broadcasting my thoughts and emotions across those planes as well. These broadcasts can be used to both mask and enhance my ability to sweep a given area for the non-living. So instead of hearing "Gee, I wonder if there are any vampires about?" they hear "Do wah ditty ditty dum ditty do." or something of the kind. It was so annoyingly simple, I could of kicked myself.

The tricky part is to not think about what you are doing and learning not to get distracted while you are doing it. That, apparently, is where the fruit comes in. Because believe me, having odd bits of produce hurled at you with inhuman force at unpredictable intervals is very distracting. Not to mention painful, sticky and more than a bit humiliating. But if a piece of my pride and the ability to wear short sleeve shirts in public is the cost I have to pay to save the life of one of my boys, it's a bargain. Just don't tell them that. They're cocky enough as it is.

It was pretty routine at first. I would tell the captain where Seras was then he would call her up and confirm her location, then he would harangue her with a description of several interesting things that a young, healthy and exceptionally flexible couple could do with each other in that particular room. Normally I would chastise him but Stewart needed time to track her signal and many of his suggestions were quite intriguing. It's been a very long time and I'm only human.*

*No really, I got the all clear about a week ago from the lab staff. I am altered but now officially, "mostly human".

...Anyway.

It worked splendidly for about 20 minutes and six rooms until a particularly intriguing scenario involving a card catalog drawer and one of the rolling ladders in the library put forth by the captain, caused Seras to throw her cell phone into the fireplace. Stewart tried to bring her another one but she merely thanked him sweetly then promptly locked it in her sock drawer.

So much for that, I thought but a clever Stewart had secreted a tracking device on her uniform so we were back in business. Only this time, instead of pinging Seras and waiting for conformation of her location, we were able to test my ability to track her movements in, real time.

It was kind of surreal, but in a fun way. I would be rolling along singing, say a Jim Croce song, and seemingly random words and phrases would slide into the lyrics such as, "...and if you go down there you'd better just beware of she's in the laundry room..." or "...I'm in love with a roller derby rose parlor..." and the like. And once Seras got warmed up to the game, it became a real challenge to keep track of her. She's sneaky and can move real fast.

I even managed, for the most part, not to get distracted by what was going on around me. I slipped a bit when I made the mistake of starting to sing "Like a Prayer" forgetting Griffin's visceral dislike of all things Madonna. Personally, I can take her or leave her but I've always sounded good singing that particular tune so I went for it. But then I had to listen him him gripe about how annoying Madonna was coupled with Sherman's "At least she's sexy, now that Sade, she's annoying...and bald." ??? A point which Griffin grudgingly conceded 'but still'...

"...When you call my name it's Sinéad O'Connor..." I sang at them.

"Where the what?" Asked Stewart hands pausing above his keyboard where he was plotting my sightings over his tracking signal.

"...I want to take you portrait gallery..." I corrected.

Stewart narrowed his eyes at us but resumed typing.

"That's right," said Sherman, "Sade's the one with those pouty lips."

"Right." Said Griffin. "Nothin annoying bout those lips. Not-at-all. You can sing a Sade song if ya like Corrine, I won't mind. Just no more Madonna."

"Or Sinéad O'Connor." Added Sherman.

"Right." Agreed Griffin. "Too annoying." ... "So, ya gonna sing a Sade song Corrine?"

I clacked my tongue against my teeth trying to to focus on not focusing. Lips indeed. I only wish I knew any Sinéad O'Connor songs. Annoying? I'd give them annoying. I'd give them annoying real loud.

"I had a dream, a dream about you, baby. It's gonna come true, baby. They think that we're through, but baby,..."

"What the bloody..?" Yelped Stewart.

"...You'll be swell! You'll be great! She's just now at the east gate..." I sang disgustingly satisfied with myself.

"You two, leave her alone before it gets worse."

"What could be worse than Ethel Merman?" Asked Sherman.

I grinned evilly.

"No, Don't!" Shouted Stewart who was more familiar with my repertoire.

But it was too late.

"Wave your little hand and whisper So long dearie..."

"Dear God what is that?" Barked the captain.

"...You ain't gonna see me anymore..."

"Carol Channing." Sighed Stewart.

"...And when you discover that your life is dreary..."

"It's quite, loud." Offered Marks.

"Don't you come a knockin' at my door..."

"Yes." Agreed Stewart.

"...cause I'll be all dolled up And singin' that song..."

"And kinda scary." Added Sherman.

"... That says you dog, I told you so..."

"Yep, she dead on perfect so,..."

"...So wave your little hand and whisper

So long dearie..."

"bugger off will you before she decides to do the second verse!"

The were several cries of distress and promises of good behavior and one 'I kind o' like it' from Bulls before they hit him.

"Dearie, should have said so long
So long ago!!!!"

I finished with a flourish and took a sip of Fresca.

Stewart raised a questioning eyebrow.

"She doubled back at the proving grounds and is headed back towards the front entrance." I said smugly.

He grunted and typed in the coordinates.

"Pretty cocky she is for a vampire's piñata." Muttered Blaven.

I sucked in an indignant breath and scanned my mental catalog of obnoxious songs prepared to make ears bleed.

"How bout a nice ballad?" Asked Marks quickly offering me another Fresca.

"Of course." I said sweetly. "How kind." murmured taking the offered soda.

"About a maid I'll sing a song,

Sing rickety-tickety-tin..."

"You have to love a girl who can sing Tom Lehrer." Said Marks smiling.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLVII

2011-08-07T23:04:00.049-04:00

Several thoughts raced through my mind in that moment not the least of which was astonishment that a man with only one eye could have such excellent depth perception and, of course, a mental note to kill Griffin. But first and foremost was the sinking realization that I was way in over my head. Fortunately, the one upshot to being trained by a vampire is that you learn to think fast and move even faster. I mean, once you've decided between fight and flight, it's just a question of looking for the exits.

"Well..." I said, then snatched the bowl of popcorn from Blaven's hands and threw it at the captain's head while simultaneously launching myself up and over the back of the couch. I landed with a thump, on my bad shoulder of course, muttered under my breath then popped up just in time to see an explosion of popcorn wash over a retuning Sherman and Anders as the bowl hit the wall inches from the door frame.

"What in God's name...?" Said Anders.

"Nimble little minx ain't she?" Said Sherman plucking a kernel off of his shoulder and tossing it in his mouth.

"Sure is." Said Marks. "I mean girls often run from the Capitan, just usually not that fast."

"Shut it." Said Burnadett.

"I was eating that." Said Blaven reproachfully.

"You too."

"Now Chanson, this is just silly." He said stepping around the sofa towards me. I backed away, carefully keeping the bulk of the couch between us while mentally calculating the distance to the door.

"Tut, tut Chanson," He said wagging his finger at me. "We both know I will beat you to that door." I knew this to be true. I haven't voluntarily run since my sophomore year of high school.
"Come back to me mon radis épicé and all will be forgiven."

"Did you just call me a radish?"

"I but express my tender feelings for you mon igname de chine visqueuse. Now come over here this moment or I will tackle you to the ground."

I edged a little further away from him.

"Fine, I promise not to spray you with the hose."

I hesitated, uncertain.

"Come now, " He said extending his arm out to me, palm up. "I just wish to talk, nothing more honnête."

"Ha!"

"You doubt my honesty?'

"Always."

"She is a smart one." Said Marks.

"Then we are at an impasse."

"Give Griffin back his chip." I said.

"What?"

"You heard me."

"You wound me Chanson."

"You'll get over it. Give Griffin back the chip and tell him the deal is off and I'll come over."

"She's got your number Pip." Said Marks.

The captain crossed his arms and gave me a speculative look. "Perhaps she does mon aime, perhaps she does." He threw back his head and laughed. "Very well Chanson, I give you your way. My apologies Griffin," He said tossing back the chip. "but one must always defer to the ladies."

"Aww Cap'n."

"...and our Corrine is, above all things, a lady." He held out his hand to me as I walked over. "Is she not?"

"Well, yeah." Said Griffin despondently.

"Told you." Said Stewart, winking at me.

It's not ladylike to stick out your tongue so I settled for a dainty roll of the eyes.

"Now that is better." Said Burnadett settling me back on the couch and sitting on the arm. "I still can not comprehend why you were so difficult. Is it, you know," He bent over me and whispered. "your woman's time?"

I pushed him off the couch.

"Is that a yes?" He asked rolling gracefully to his feet.

"No!"

"Then why...?"

"I was trying to prove a point."

"This point being?"

"How utterly impossible it is to deal with you when you won't stay on topic or give a straight answer."

"When have I ever done this?" He asked astonished.

"You do it to Seras all the time. She can't have a single conversation with you without you reciting a dirty limerick, singing a bawdy song or just asking her inappropriate questions about...about..."

"About?" he said grinning.

"About...Inappropriate things." I finished lamely.

"Ahh Chanson I see," He said taking my hand in his. "and I am so flattered that you wish to imitate me but, sadly, my sweet friend you are doing it all wrong."

"What?"

"Surely you see that you lack the gentle timing, the subtle wit needed for proper teasing."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning, when I do it it is funny and charming. When you do it, well, it's just annoying."

I gasped.

"It is not your fault Chanson." He said patting my hand like I was a small child. "Some people just aren't clever enough that's all."

I pulled my hand from his grasp. "You! You...arrgh!

"I think it's cute the way she can't say it." Said Stewart.

"What do you expect, I heard her say 'fudgesicles' when she hit the floor earlier." Said Blaven.

"I like when she says 'Jiminy Cricket'." Offered Zelig. "Makes me think of Disneyland."

"Then there's 'sugar beets'" Said Griffin.

I covered my face with my hands .

"Aww it's OK Corrine." He said. "We all think it's cute but really there are some word's, ya know natural words between a man and a woman and sometimes between a man and a ..."

Marks smacked Griffin on the head. "Why don't you save up that charm for nurse Pringle."

"I've got plenty enough to share round Sarge... Ow!"

"Trust me, you don't."

"Have you even asked her yet?" Interrupted an exasperated Anders

"Hadn't quite gotten to that yet." Said Stewart. "The Capitan was having too much fun."

"I was working my way round to it." Said Burnadett.

"Oh for the love of..." Said Anders striding over to me. "Corrine, we want to know if that vampire is still using us as an excuse to hurt you during training."

"Now what would make you ask a silly question like that?" I said looking down at my feet.

"Just answer." Said Anders.

"No, of course not." I said to the ceiling.

"Oh, that's just sad." Said Stewart.

"Pathetic," Agreed Griffin. "Forest Gump wouldn't buy that one."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, Chanson, that you are possibly the worst person at lying that I have ever met." Said Burnadett shaking his head in wonder. "How have you managed to survive this long in this modern age?"

"I..."

The captain stopped me, placing his hands on my shoulders and looking deep into my eyes. "Cuts and bruises and broken bones are fine, expected even as you say, during training. You can pierce, tattoo, even brand yourself on your own time no matter. It is not our business or concern. But, that vampire, using threats against us to force you to endure abuse, that Chanson, is our business and not to be tolerated."

I looked up from his solemn gaze to the earnest expressions reflected around the room. A bunch of school-yard bullies, the lot of them, banding together to defend their geeky sister from the baddest bully of them all. It was totally unnecessary and stupidly suicidal but ever so wonderful of them to even think it.

"Oh," I said, choking up with emotion. "Oh that's so...thank you...that's sweet. I threw my arms around Burnadett's neck and gave him a squeeze. "You are all.." I said taking his face in my hands and planting a big kiss on his cheek. "so very sweet. The lot of you!" I said throwing my arms wide to encompass them all. "But totally unnecessary." I said.

" So, these bruises have nothing to do with us? Nothing whatsoever?" Asked Anders.

"Well, I didn't say that." Anders started to protest so I held up my hand. "Now let explain. No, better yet, let me show you."

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLVI

2011-06-29T10:37:00.064-04:00

I froze, handful of popcorn halfway to my mouth. "Me?"

"You." He said.

I blinked up at him innocently. "What?"

He crossed his arms and scowled.

"Oh that. Hadn't we finished talking about that?" I asked examining a kernel before popping it in my mouth.

"No, we have not."

"Are you quite sure? I felt certain we had finished." I said, tossing in three more kernels.

"Non."

"Hm num mum mum." I said stuffing the rest of the popcorn in my mouth and grabbing another handful from the bowl.

"Stop stalling Chanson. We are going to discuss this."

"Of course." I said docilely. "Oh, did you see the new girl Cook just hired?" (She asked innocuously.)

"Nice try Corrine, but it won't work." Said Marks.

"Is she pretty?" Asked Burnadett. "No, no, Marks is right. You will not distract us from this Chanson."

"Wouldn't dream of it Pip." I said amiably. "Is that a cuttlefish your carving Berti or are you moving on to Cthulhu myths?"

"Cthulhu, cuttlefish don't have legs Corrine."

"Yes but neither do most Cthulhu gods."

"True, but see he's chewing on H.P. Lovecraft here."

"Ah, yes, I see. Quite...Realistic."

"Of course."

"Zelig." Said Stewart mildly. "We weren't going to get distracted today remember?"

"Focusing right?"

"Right." Said Stewart "Shame on you Corrine." He said, wagging a finger at me.

I attempted to look chastised.

"You are talking instead of listening Chanson."

"Yes, of course, I'm all ears." I said.

"They're my favorite you know?" Said Zelig.

"What?" I asked.

"Cuttlefish. they're my favorite invertebrate."

"Mine too!"

"I love how they change color and shape at will, I wish I could do that. If I could do that I could be my own art all the time." He sighed.

"Zelig!" Roared the Captain.

"What? Oooh, right! Focusing."

"And you." Growled Burnadett turning back towards me. "No more talking unless you are answering my direct questions."

I mimed locking up my mouth and tossing the key.

The captain shook his head and sighed. "Now Chanson, it is not so much the bruises as it is..." He frowned at me as I plucked an ice cube from my water glass and began sliding it down my neck. "As it.... What are you doing?" He asked, interrupting himself.

"It's hot in here." I said.

"It's not that hot." He said.

"It's stifling!" I argued, sliding the ice cube back up my neck.

Marks snorted and shook his head grinning.

The captain pointed an angry finger at me and opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Griffin. "Jet," He said to Blaven. "I will give you 50 to make her spill that whole glass down her shirt."

"What?" I yelped, accidentally dropping the ice cube down my cleavage.

"Dollars or Pounds?"

"Dollars."

"Pfft."

"Fine, pounds."

"Eh" Said Blaven.

"75" Said Griffin staring intently at the spreading damp spot on the front of my shirt. Why oh why did I wear white today?

"Wellll."

"You stay out of this Griffin!" I yelled.

The captain placed his fists on his hips and tilted his head at me. "Non Chanson, you started this show for everyone but I warn you, mon petit navet, Griffin, he always calls the bluff and Blaven will do anything for money."

"True." Said Blaven.

I slammed the glass down on the coffee table as far away from him as possible.

"Hey!" Shouted Zelig. "Oh no wait, hmmm" He said dipping his finger in a droplet of spilled water and tracing it along the grain. "Ahh yes, I see." He said reaching for his knife and whistling a selection from "Peter and the Wolf".

The captain pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "You," He said. "are being astoundingly annoying tonight. I am thinking that your dear mother did not spank you nearly enough as a child." He glanced at me thoughtfully for a moment. "I am thinking perhaps that I shall take Griffin's money but instead of this little glass I drag you outside and spray you down with the hose."

"Ha!" I scoffed then stiffened as I looked up at him. "You wouldn't dare."

"Ah, wouldn't I?" He said smiling crookedly. "Two things you should know about me mon cher panais, there is nothing I don't dare and..." He paused a moment to lean over me and place his hands on the back of the couch to either side of my head. "I rarely bluff."

"But..." I whispered then fell silent as he raised one arm and snapped his fingers.

I watched, horrified as a blue poker chip arced its way across the room towards us. Gaze never leaving mine, he snatched it from the air then brought his hand down before my face. "Care to risk it?" he asked holding the chip up with two fingers.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLV

2011-05-28T14:42:00.094-04:00

"That is one spectacular set of bruises." Said corp. Sherman taking a picture of the suspiciously kiwi shaped line of marks running up the side of my calf to just above my knee. "Definitely going in the album." *

[*One of Corporal Sherman's many odd hobbies is taking pictures of "interesting" injuries and sharing them with his friends back home in West Virginia. He also enjoys fashioning jewelry from spent shell casings for his mother and sisters and preparing and eating things that most people would not actually consider food. He's quite versatile really and unabashedly, unashamedly proud of his call sign "Hillbilly".]

"You should see my right shoulder."

"Really?" he said tugging at the loose button down shirt I had pulled on over my tank top. "Holy Moses!"

"Hey! If anyone is undressing women in this barracks it is to be me and... Mon dieu! Is that a pentagram?" Said Burnadett.

"I think so." I said, twisting my head around. "I can't really see it."

"Hold still Corrine! I'm going to want a close up of this." Said Sherman. "Captain, would you hold this pen up next to it for scale?"

The Captain frowned but complied.

"Good. Now one with me in it. Will you take the picture Doc?"

"I'll shove it down your throat. Zieke aangeboren idiot." Said Anders.

He handed me an Ice pack for my leg and bent down to examine my shoulder. "And how exactly did this one happen?" He asked.

"Well, I ducked when he threw an orange at me so..." I shrugged.

"So what'd he use on you, blueberries or something?" Asked Sherman, undaunted by Anders' glare.

"Currents actually."

"Close range was it?"

"About 25 feet away."

Sherman whistled. "Impressive." He said reaching almost reverently towards my shoulder. "Such precision."

"Dwaas! Verlof alvorens ik u sloeg." Snapped Anders as he slapped Sherman's hand away.

"Oh bite me Doc! She don't mind why should you?"

Anders turned to Marks. "Please make him go away."

"Oh you give me a headache. Why don't you both go away." Said Burnadett.

"Excellent idea." Said Marks. "Both of you out."

"What! Your kidding right?" Sputtered Sherman.

"That's two laps Sherman." Said Marks who did not like to ask twice. "Now."

Sherman stomped off, muttering under his breath.

Anders looked inclined to argue as well but wisely kept his mouth shut. He instead mutely held up the ointment jar he had pulled out of his bag.

"I'll take care of it." Said Marks gently lifting the jar from Anders' hand. "You go cool off Häckchen ." He said giving him a friendly but firm shove towards the door.

Marks had turned to frown down at me so he never saw the look of pure adoration Anders gave him just before walking out the door. It was then I realized that Lukas Anders would walk though Hell and back without blinking just to bring Sergeant Marks a thimble full of water. I am not sure why as I was pretty sure that Marks had just called him a tick.

Marks shook his head "Was sind wir, zum mit ihm zu tun?" he asked Burnadett.

"Es erhält schlechter." The captain replied.

"Ich weiß." Marks turned back to me his hands on his hips. "Und was sind wir, zum mit Ihnen mein liebes zu tun?"

"Speak English for a start." I answered tartly as I pawed through my German/English dictionary**. He'd used that last phrase on me before though so I had a pretty god idea what he meant.

[**You won't last long with the Geese unless you speak at least three languages and/or are wiling to carry several language dictionaries with you at all times.***]

[*** I at one point bought this real nifty, and highly expensive, audio translation gadget online but made the fatal mistake of letting Zelig "see" it so it is now in several hopeless pieces. On the upside, I now have a lovely hi-tech broach that can swear at you in five different languages. I can't even get my money back as Burnadett pointed out the "Zelig" principle**** applies to civilians as well as Geese.]

[****If you were stupid enough to let him touch it, you deserve what you got.*****]

[ *****You will not be surprised to hear that Zelig is as proud to have a principle named after him as is of being "an excellent debater".]

"God I love a sassy woman." He said as he knelt down behind me. He unscrewed the lid and the the scent of peppermint and cloves wafted towards me. He scooped up a generous portion of the salve onto his fingers and began applying it to the bruises on my shoulder. I shivered a bit as the cold burning sensation touched my skin. He chuckled.

"It's cold." I said defensively.

He bent in close. "And here I thought it was me." He said in my ear as he ran his thumb along the edge of my shoulder blade. I shivered again.

I blushed. "Well, it's not." I snapped, feeling flustered and a bit embarrassed.

"As you say, sassy." He chuckled, giving my shoulder a final rub before handing me the jar. "but I bet Anders doesn't make you shiver like that."

I sniffed disdainfully and started rubbing the ointment on my right arm.

Burnadett cleared his throat. "If you two are quite finished playing doctor, we actually do have things to discuss."

I blushed harder and glared at him. Not quite liking the flutter in my stomach or the smug expressions on both their faces. I opened my mouth to retort but the captain held up his hand placatingly.

"Trêve, Chanson. C'est important."

"All right, shoot." I said. Turning to rub the salve on my left arm.

"We, that is, some of us..." He said gesturing to indicate himself and the others in the room. "We have some, concerns about...well, that." He said pointing to my poor, abused arm.

"What, the bruises?" I asked.

"In part, yes."

"But you guys get stuff like this all the time, worse even, just training."

"Yes, I know but..."

"Is it because I'm a girl?"

"No..."

Zelig, who had been happily carving a quazi-mythical surrealist scene into the coffee table that would have given Hieronymus Bosch the willies snorted. "Like we've never fought girls before." He turned to Stewart who was playing cards with Griffin and Bulls. "Hey remember that Mossad chick? What was her name again? "

"Which one? Adara or Miriam?"

"The one who tried to off the Capitan."

"Well they both did eventually as I recall."

"No. the first time."

"Ah, Miriam."

"Yeah Miriam." Zelig sighed wistfully. "She was wicked good with a knife."

"You guys fought against Mossad?"

"No, they hired us for a gig in Syria." Said Griffin.

"But then why did they try to kill...?"

"He has this effect on women." Sighed Marks. "It's quite tiresome actually."

"Ho, ho, quite amusing you are today." Quipped Burnadett. "She was a double agent." He said turning to me. "I caught her signalling our position to the enemy and she tried to convince me to keep quiet at the point of her knife so..." He shrugged.

"Why do I suspect I don't want to know what that 'so' means?" I asked.

"Because you, Chanson, are a smart girl." He replied.

"Hmm," I said. "And the other one? This Adara?"

"Ah, well, that you may say was more in the nature of a misunderstanding." Said the Captain.

"Misunderstanding?" Snorted Marks. "More in the nature of you not being able to keep your lips or other disgusting body parts to yourself."

"Watch your step now, private."

"You slept with a Mossad agent?" I asked.

"No of course not. What do you take me for?"

"Then why...?"

"He slept with her sister." Said Marks.

"Oh."

"And her best friend."

"Ah."

"And her mother."

"Eeek!"

"Exactly."

"Oh Pip tell me you didn't really?"

"Who knew they'd compare notes?" Said Burnadett, giving me a sheepish smile.

"He's a menace to decent women everywhere Corrine. You and Victoria are best advised to avoid him at all cost." Quipped Marks.

"You know we're going to have to come up with a whole new set of ranks just to cover how low I'm going to bust you." Growled the Captain. Marks shrugged indifferently. It was well known that he used Velcro to attach his ever changing rank insignia to his uniforms. As long as he got his contracted percentages and the men followed orders he didn't care what rank he was.

"And your a one to talk." Continued the Capitan. "At least I didn't sleep with the cabinet ministers daughter."

"So?"

"So? We were lucky to get out of there alive!"

"Oh you exaggerate. He wasn't that mad"

"Just what every Israeli politician dreams of, a big giant Aryan kraut such as yourself to father his grandchildren."

"We got our bonus didn't we?"

"Only because he wanted those negatives destroyed and you gone."

"Exactly." Said Marks spreading his hands. "You got a bloody nose and I got us a bonus. Who's the menace now?"

"You are." Said the Captain grinning. "This is why I hired you."

"Exactly." Nodded Marks smiling back.

"This is better than TV." I said to Blaven who had plunked down beside me with a bowl of popcorn. "You guys are like a soap opera, with knives and guns."

"Oui." He said. "I used to watch that Sopranos program but after I joined the Geese it just seemed boring by comparison."

"Umhm. I agreed, swallowing a mouthful of popcorn. "Excuse me." I said raising my hand for attention. "Could I get clarification on that 'negatives' statement?"

"You see," Marks said. "sometimes, after we finish a job, the people who hire us seem to forget the specific terms of our ah, verbal agreement and try to offer us more of a take it leave it sort of settlement."

"Yeah," Said Griffin. "As in take your sh-gear and leave the country or else."

"And it's not like we can un-kill people if they don't pay up." Said Zelig without glancing up from the Furies he was carving one of which had a suspiciously Sir Integra-ish cast to its scowling countenance.

"Exactly." Said Marks. "So it always pays to have some 'insurance' laid by just in case someone decides to lose his long term memory. A special little reminder for the invoice, as it were."

"You would think all of your nice shiny guns and grenades would be argument enough to pay"

"Surprisingly, this is not always the case. Some men feel they are immune to such things."

"Petty dictators, military Junta leaders...?"

"Oh no, most third world dictators have a healthy respect for the men with the guns. It's usually how they got to be dictators in the first place. They tend to appreciate the value of our services. They pay on time and in cash"

"Really?"

"Some of our best repeat customers are fascists." Said the Captain.

"No it's the petty politician from the 'civilized' industrial nation that tends to get a bit stingy when the bill comes due." Said Marks. "Especially if he's been playing fast and loose with the slush fund. So I like to make sure we have a little dirt on our clients so they won't be tempted to try and renegotiate."

"Who knew the life of a mercenary could be so complicated." I mused.

"Oui." Said Burnadett. "This is what Marks is for. He could get dirt on the Pope if he wanted to."

"True, true." Said Marks.

"Oooo." I said. "So what do you have on Sir Integra?"

Marks cleared his throat. "That's confidential."

"Aw come on spill it. Please." I asked as endearingly as I could.

"Sorry, that would be unprofessional."

I raised my eyebrows and pondered this statement a moment. "You've got nothing." I gasped.

We locked gazes for about 10 seconds then he looked away and growled. "Not a damn thing!"

"Is that unusual?"

"It's unheard of." Said the Captain. "No one gets to where she is without doing some very naughty things and Marks can always find them."

"You can barley find proof that she exists much less anything incriminating. Not like her father, Mein Gott, the things that man did makes Pip look a saint. "

"Wow!" I said glancing at Burnadett. "Maybe there's nothing there. She's pretty straight laced."

"No one is that clean." Said the Captain.

"I tell you it's that damn butler of hers! Everywhere I look, he's been there, fixing the witnesses and scrubbing the files. No one will talk. I swear, er bin der Teufel!"

"He is quite good isn't he?" Said Burnadett with a smirk. "It's almost uncanny how he keeps ahead of you so thoroughly"

"He is der Teufel I tell you but he won't beat me!"

"Well, I guess it's part of his job you know to cover Hellsing's tracks."

Marks narrowed his eyes at me. "Oh yes, I forgot, you like that officious, annoying man. How disappointing of you."

I glared at him. "You should just be thankful I like annoying people or we might not be on speaking terms right now."

Marks glared back at me as if he wanted to order me to do two laps.

"Oh, you are just angry that there is someone out there who can do something better than you for once." Said Burnadett. "It's about time, helps to build the character."

"Then you must have a very well built character at this point."

"Such humour out of you today! I am thinking to add the rank of slug or worm to the list. Whichever is lower. "

"Worms are longer." Said Griffin.

"But slugs are taller." Said Stewart.

"Worm it is." Said the Capitan. "Perhaps even a tape worm. Zelig!"

"Sir?"

"I want a tape worm insignia designed and ready by 16:00 tomorrow."

"Got it!"

"Besides," He said turning back to Marks. "I do not care if Mr Dollneaz or his mistress is Satan himself, as long as the bill is paid on time, which it is, every month, like clockwork. I would spend more time worrying about der Teufel in the basement then the ones upstairs if I were you mon ami.

"And this reminds me." He said turning back to me.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLIV

2011-04-27T11:17:00.062-04:00

'Thwack'

"Ouch!"

"Try Again."

'Thwack'

"Ouch!"

"Wrong. Try again."

Thwack'

"Ouch! Hey! stop it!"

"No."

"But.." 'Thwack!'

"Shut up and concentrate."

"How am I supposed to concentrate when you keep throwing..." 'Thwack "Ouch! That hurt!"

"Stop wingeing you useless girl it's only grapes."

"Frozen grapes."

"Pft!"

"Hurled with inhuman force."

"Ungrateful infant!"

'Thwack' "Ow!", 'Thwack' "Ow!", 'Thwack' "Ow! Hey! that was a strawberry, you could poke an eye out with that!"

"Cowardly, whining wretch! You mewl over a few bruises from fruit? If you cannot concentrate when hit by a harmless bit of food, what are you going to do in the field when the ghouls attack and bullets start flying. Tell your friends die more quietly as their screams are distracting you?"

"That's not fair!"

"Fair? Fair! Fair is for the nursery, not the battlefield! I have neither the time nor the patience for fair.

"Much as I, am indifferent to the lives of those sad, disposable, dogs of war you seem so fond of, every turning, every death weighs on the heart of the master. It is for her and her alone that I train you but I would think that, if only for the sake of those sad mongrels, you would be willing grow a backbone and learn."

"You could have said..."

"And you should have trusted me! You trusted me with your life in that theatre. Will you trust me now to teach you to save theirs? "

"Yes. but?"

"What?"

"Could we possible switch sides for awhile? My left arm is going numb."

"Of course Angel, we wouldn't want you to not be able to feel your 'distraction' now would we?"

Sigh. "No, of course not."

'Thwack'

"Ouch!"

"Try Again."...

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLIII

2011-03-16T17:01:00.045-04:00

The next few days went rather well. I passed my basic driving test on the Tortoise and was rewarded by Bulls and Griffin with a little topless hula doll for the dashboard. Anders had a fit and kept trying to throw it out the window until Sgt. Marks somewhere, somehow found a tiny little Hooter's tee shirt to put on her. It was still offensive but no longer obscene.

"I'll get rid of the damn thing yet." Anders said as he tried to pry her off the dash with a scalpel. He had managed to slice through the prior three double sided adhesives so Bulls had used Gorilla glue this time. Anders and Walter were taking turns giving me 'defensive urban combat' driving lessons (dodging mines and IEDs, Plowing through rubble, running over enemy combatants, you know, the easy stuff.) so he he often sat with me while I navigated the course and Walter or one of the Geese tried to "kill" us. Zelig and Griffin were enthusiastic but often predictable. Burnadet was subtle and sneaky but not quite so bloodthirsty. But if we were playing against Walter or Sgt. Marks, they killed us every time.

It's a good thing they don't seem to like each other very much, because if they ever teamed up, they could rule the world.

-----------

Miss Pringle had unofficially set up headquarters in Dr. Levin's office refusing to come out whenever Zelig or his enthusiastic 'assistant' were in the lab. A poor, lovelorn, Griffin was reduced to slipping her love poems under the door and Andrew was practically counting his winnings.

"I don't think she much likes Limericks." Said Zelig as we listened to the sound of the paper shredder running behind closed doors. "I told you to try the haiku."

"It was too esoteric." Said Griffin. "I didn't want ta be too subtle."

"No chance of that." Said Zelig. "Besides, It didn't even rhyme. Poems are supposed to rhyme."

"Yes, 'bench press' and 'French maid's dress' do almost rhyme." Said Zelig.

"I thought it rather clever actually." Said Seras.

"Hmmm," Said Zelig. Maybe she didn't like the dress reference. You know, like you don't take her profession seriously and you equate nursing to being like a maid."

"You think?"

"Well, women are always quite touchy about clothing and such."

"True."

"Perhaps, it was too short. Perhaps if we finished that sonnet. "

"Yeah, but I'm just totally stuck on rhyming up bicep and if I try to pull it out, the whole stanza falls apart."

"Art is never easy." Said Zelig. "How's the ballad coming?"

"Eh."

Andrew rubbed his hands together with glee.

"Don't get cocky." Said Stewart.

"Hard not to." Said Andrew. "Your boy's a bit of a disaster and our Miss Pringle is made of steel."

"Ah, but many a 'disaster' has been known to bend steel." Andrew laughed.

"At this rate he won't even rust her."

"Care to wager another ten on that?"

"Hate to take your money 'old chap'." Said Andrew. "But I need a new stereo for the car."

"Adore taking your money 'old bean'," Said Stewart putting on his best P.T. Barnum face, "but I tell you what, bump it up another ten and I'll throw in my XM radio I'll even install her for you, if I lose."

"Done." Said Andrew as he shoved a twenty at me and Stewart handed me a ten.

"I don't have hold the stupid stereo for you do I?" I grumbled, stuffing the money down my shirt. I need to start wearing pants with pockets to the lab.

"No but it would certainly fit." Said Stewart eying my chest appreciatively. I snorted and shoved at his rolling chair with my foot. "Book!" he shouted to Zelig as his chair bumped into a table.

"Excellent." Said Zelig. taking down the details. "Victoria?"

Seras eyed a very satisfied looking Stewart with suspicion then shook her head.

Zelig shrugged. "How bout you Doctor Levin? Care to back your horse with a fiver? I'll cover it."

"Bicep, tricep, flycep.." Muttered Griffin.

Dr. Levin smiled and reached for his wallet. Then stopped. He looked from Griffin to Zelig to Stewart then back at Griffin. A good long look. He shook his head and chuckled. "I think I'll sit this one out boys." He said.

"Smart man." Said Griffin. "If we're all done playing then?" Stewart nodded and Zelig closed his little book. "Good. Cause I've got me a little nurse to catch and we all know how I feel about nurses."

"Never seen you throw one back yet Porn." Said Stewart. "Go get her." Said Zelig Grinning.

Griffin cracked his knuckles then stretched and flexed like a big cat before casually strolling over to the door to Dr. Levin's office. "Nice professional gal like nurse Pringle needs ta see a man's resume before she makes up her mind." He said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a DVD. He drummed his fingers gently against the frosted glass and said. "I gotta go baby but I'll leave ya a little something ta put under your pillow tonight." He brought the DVD to his lips and gave it a kiss before crouching down to slide it under the door. "Sweet dreams Nurse Pringle."

"What was that?" Asked Andrew suspiciously.

"Just a few highlights from my brief but illustrious film career."

"You were in the movies Griffin?" I asked. "I didn't know that."

Griffin looked at me and blushed. "Yeah, well, they was what you might call independent films of a specialized nature."

"What?" said Seras. Stewart snorted and grinned while Dr. Levin stared pointedly at the ceiling. "Ohhh. Eww!"

"Now hang on." Said Andrew. " You mean to tell me that you just slipped Miss Pringle..."

"Nurse Pringle. Show some respect." Said Griffin.

"Nurse Pringle." Said Andrew. "You mean to tell me you just slipped Nurse Pringle a video nasty?"

"No."

"Well thank Goodness for tha..."

"I slipped her highlights from several 'video nastys'. The good parts, ya know, with me in um."

"Dear God, your a dead man."

"Care to wager on that?" Said Stewart."

"No." I shouted. "No more betting. I mean it!"

"Now Corrine, it's just a bit of fun." Said Stewart.

"No!"

Zelig shrugged and put his notebook away. "You, of course included "Dock Her, Dock Her?"

"Of course." I raised an eyebrow. "A raunchy rock and roll romp though an inner city hospital." Said Stewart.

"Oh dear." I said, eying the closed office door.

"All the ones with nurses in um." Said Griffin. "Also, I put in some of my super hero series."

"Super hero series?" I queried.

"Yeah." Said Griffin. "Let's see there was 'Super Wham: can of steel', 'The X-rated men', played Colossus in that one.."

"Great performance but his accent was bloody awful." Whispered Stewart. I bit my tongue to keep from laughing.

"...and what else? Oh yeah I threw in part two of ' Edible Bulk: Revenge of the.." Zelig cleared his throat loudly and made a shushing gesture at Griffin. "What?" Asked Griffin.

"Not that I don't support your work and all," Said Zelig. but, well, there is a lady present." Seras and I looked at each other then back at Zelig. 'A lady present'? As in just one?

"Oh, yes, right. Sorry 'bout that Corrine." Said Griffin.

"Oh nice." Said Seras sarcastically.

"Well don't get get you knickers in a twist Victoria." Said Zelig. "Your not a lady, your one of us."

"One of you?" Asked Seras tremulously.

"Yeah, you know, like one of the guys." Said Griffin.

"You mean, I'm one of you? I'm a Goose?" She said breathlessly. Stewart nodded, lips quirking

"That's just brilliant!" She shouted jumping into Stewart's lap and hugging him.

"Ooof! Right, that's enough of that Victoria." Said Stewart as he shoved her off his lap. "There is positively none of that allowed in the ranks!"

"I'm a goose Corrine!" Said Seras as Stewart unwound his mouse cord from her wrist.

"You most certainly are." Said Stewart, trying not to laugh.

"That's wonderful. Oh," I said thinking it through. "does this mean I'm not?"

"What, a goose?" Said Stewart raising his eyebrows. I nodded. "Well sorry, you can't."

"Why not?"

"Because, like I said, you're a lady Corrine." Said Zelig.

"So?"

"So no ladies allowed in the Geese." Said Griffin.

"Why ever not?"

"Well, the Captain's got a saying bout ladies, 'In the bedroom, in the kitchen even on the bathroom fl..." Zelig cleared his throat loudly. "Oh, yes, right. Sorry Corrine. It's just a rule OK?"

"Well that seems unfair."

"Sorry Corrine, but you can be a lady or you can be a goose but you can't be both." Said Stewart.

"I find it hard to believe that you refer to yourself as a goose."

"Well, actually I refer to myself as a sexy beast but that's beside the point. You're one or the other, there is no both."

"This reminds me of that story they made us read in school." Said Andrew. "You know where the guy had to choose two doors."

"Right," Said Seras. "And behind one door was a pretty lady and behind the other was a tiger... What was it called again?"

"The Lady or the Tiger." I said.

"Ooo right." Said Seras. "Like the game you and the master sometimes play."

"Oh dear I hope not."

"No, no, I mean you've got to choose."

"Between the lady or the tiger?"

"No." She said disgustedly. "Lady or goose."

"The Lady or the Goose?"

"Exactly." She said. "you've got to choose which one to be."

"Aw that's easy," Said Griffin. "Lady."

"I'd rather she choose Goose."

"Are these my only choices?" I asked but they ignored me.

"Naw, she's a lady." Asserted Griffin.

"Goose!" Insisted Seras.

"Couldn't I just be a swan or something?"

"Lady, lady lady!"

"A duck perhaps?"

"Goose, goose, goose!"

"Stop!" Shouted Stewart. "Corrine, you are not a goose or a swan or any other type of waterfowl. It's not a question of what you want to be. It's how we perceive you. We see you as a lady because it's what you are. You don't get to choose."

I crossed my arms and pouted.

"Now don't get cross Corrine," Said Zelig. "Your a lady, that's better than being one of us lot any day."

"Fine." I huffed. "I'll be a lady. But I don't have to like it."

"Now, that's settled," Said Dr. Levin. "Perhaps we should move this act down the hall. Is the equipment ready Mr. Stewart?"

"Yes, I set up in the storage room as you suggested. there are no antennas, phones or intercoms of any kind in there so, we should avoid a repeat of Tuesday's 'Mary Hopkins' fiasco." (I had been singing "The Sparrow" and somehow had ended up blowing out all of the phones in the lab and half the intercoms on the first floor.)

"Sorry." I said.

"Not at all my dear." Said Dr. Levin who had decided to like me now that I could do something interesting. "It was quite informative. Expensive, but informative. Shall we go?" He said, gesturing to the door.

"Just a sec." Said Stewart as he stared at something on his laptop screen. "Aaaand, she's in!"

"Good job old man!" Said Zelig Giving Griffin a thumbs up.

"What?" Shouted Andrew. "She never!"

"Oh, but she did." Said Stewart. "Oh ewww, just ewww!" Said Seras. "Care to pay up now and save yourself the humiliation later?" asked Stewart.

"Wait." Said Andrew. "How do you even know she's, you know...looking?" There was a horrified shriek and the sound of plastic hitting the wall.

"She looked." Said Zelig.

"Young man," Said Dr. Levin. "Did you hack into my computer."

"Don't be insulting." Said Stewart rapidly blanking his screen. We all stared at him. "I planted spyware in the DVD."

"Mr. Stewart...!"

"Didn't you want to get us down the hall? Come on Corrine, chop, chop!" Said Stewart as he bustled me out the door.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLII

2011-02-01T17:33:00.022-05:00

Miss Pringle is having a bad week.

As if Zelig pulling down her precious sign and slapping her on the bottom weren't enough, Sir Integra had personally requested the lab begin running tests on my voice.

And then there was the bulletin board.

Oh , how she hated that bulletin board.

Not only had Dr. Levin ignored her protests and decided to put up a bulletin board where the "No singing" sign used to be but he had decided to put up Zelig's bulletin board.

All of it.

Down to the last burnished brass hook and Velcro pen holder. And when "Mr. Dollneaz" (batt, batt, batt, eyelashes) had approved the expense, there was nothing she could say without sounding like the mean evil harpy that she is. (Oops, not nice Corrine. Not nice. I am sometimes glad no one will ever read this journal.)

It seems Miss Pringle, and possibly Sir Integra, are the only denizens of Hellsing immune to the fascination of watching Zelig's brilliant, demented mind at work. Because when he goes into full blown temperamental artist mode he is a wonder to behold.

This wasn't an installation, it was performance art.

Zelig sailed into the lab and began tearing into boxes, leaping about and spinning like a Tasmanian devil cartoon. Within minutes he managed to cover every surface in the lab with bits and pieces of his project and litter the floor with packing debris and rejected parts. He then strutted about barking orders while Miss Pringle grimly chased after him with a trash bag.

"Don't touch that woman!" He shouted as she picked up a ripped up piece of box lid. "It's important."

"It's cardboard."

"Do I tell you how to do your job? Do I tell you how to stick needles in Victoria's arm?"

"Yes, actually, you do."

"Well you should listen. My way looked better. Now put that down and stop messing with my system."

"This is not a system, this is chaos!"

"Exactly." Said Zelig smugly. "So stop trying to organize it."

"You're impossible."

"Then go away! Honestly, I hate working with amateurs."

Pip, pap, pip.

"What's that noise?" Demanded Miss Pringle.

I had found a stray piece of bubble wrap and was fiddling about while Andrew stuck the EEG contact pads in my hair.

"Who cares?" Said Zelig. "Hey! Give that back!" He bellowed snatching a small empty bag from her hand. "I can use that. Can put lots of little bits and bobs in a bag like that and you throwing it away."

"Its got a hole in it!"

"Course it does, it's a bag."

"No, I mean the bottom."

He gave her a disgusted look as he tied a knot in the ripped corner. "Really Pringle, that solution would have been obvious to anyone who had even the most rudimentary of problem solving skills."

"Or you could just put all of your loose screws in in one of the dozen or so not torn bags you have tossed on the floor."

"All the bags in the world wouldn't hold his loose screws." Muttered Stewart as he booted up his laptop.

Pippy pap, pap, pap. I had found another piece of bubble wrap and was sharing with Seras.

"You see this? " He said waiving the bag at her. "This is why there is a hole in the ozone layer! People like you just throwing trash away like it was garbage."

Stewart snorted.

Miss Pringle worked her way through that sentence and sucked in a breath to retort but unfortunately, Griffin stepped in first.

********Which brings us to the actual worst part of Miss Pringle's week.
It wasn't being forced to listen to me sing nor was it Dr. Levin's and Walter's betrayal in authorizing the bulletin board [which later turned out to be mostly an excuse for Dr. Levin to study Zelig so he could publish, what would eventually become, an award winning article for Mental Health Practice magazine.]. It wasn't even having to deal with Zelig, It was Griffin. All '6.7' 255 pounds of him. And he was, it seems, in love. Well, obsessed anyway. It seems Zelig's quip about Griffin liking high strung women was true because from the moment he walked in to "assist" Zelig, Griffin had been panting after Miss Pringle in a big way. He took one look at her and muttered something to Zelig about little white hats and sensible shoes and movies he had seen that started with... Never mind, I can't repeat it. Long story short, he had quickly found an excuse to remove both his jacket and his uniform shirt and prowl around the lab after Miss Pringle in his Gold's Gym muscle tee rippling and flexing and asking her barely appropriate medical questions. He was doing his best to impress her and she was doing her best to avoid eye contact. So when Griffin, jealous of her attention, broke in to her argument with Zelig, Miss Pringle gasped quietly and began to edge away from the wall of muscle stalking her. ********

"Aww, Nurse Pringle," He said. "why ya wastin time on arguing with him? Figti'n with Zelig's like trying to tunnel through a sand dune with a shovel. Ya get all hot 'n' itchy and ya wind up nowheres.

Only way to win an argument with Zelig is ta beat him to a bloody pulp. And even then half the time he'll just call it a draw."

"It's true," Said Zelig proudly as if Griffin were complementing him. "I'm an excellent debater."

"Listen baby," Growled Griffin in a low voice as he loomed over her (I couldn't tell if he was doing a bad Barry White imitation or just had something caught in his throat.). "If you want ta get all hot 'n' itchy, I can think of lots of better ways to go about it."

She continued to edge away and he continued to stalk her until he had backed her into a corner. She deftly grabbed a chair and pulled it between them.

"And maybe, if you ask real nice, I'll help you 'win' that argument with Zelig." He said, smacking a meaty fist into his open palm. He then braced his arm against the wall by her head, leaned in and said, "I's got the tools and the talent for both." He flexed his biceps. "Wann'a see?"

"That won't be necessary Mr. Griffin." She said coldly.

"Are you sure? I ain't shown you all the tools yet."

"No."

"Just a little peek."

"Mr. Griffin, back away at once."

"Not till you give us a kiss." He leered.

She narrowed her eyes and glared at him.

"I promise baby, once you sample the goods, your gonna wanna buy..... Whaddaya say nurse, Pringle?"

She smiled and leaned towards him, hands still tightly gripping the chair.

Griffin raised his eyebrows and leaned in for his kiss not noticing the chair slowly lifting from the floor...

Wham! She slammed one of the chair legs down on his foot.

Griffin yelped and jumped back surprised. Then looked down at her and chuckled. "Zelig's right. You are a mean one."

She snorted derisively and hefted the chair menacingly.

"I like them mean."

"Oh yes?" She said and swung the chair at him.

He neatly stepped outside of her swing, darting back in while she was off balance and planting a big wet kiss on her cheek then merrily danced away before she could get him on the backstroke.

"Her problem was aiming for the legs." I whispered to Andrew. "You should always go for body mass."

"Unless it's a ghoul." Whispered Seras. "Then you want to aim for the heart or the head."

"She's not trying to kill him Victoria" Said Stewart. "...I think."

"Well, then, Corrine's right. Body shot is best then."

"good form though." I said.

"Yes." She agreed. "Lots of energy in the swing."

Andrew turned his head to hide his grin.

I handed him a piece of bubble wrap.

"Damn you look sweet." Said Griffin to a seething Miss Pringle.

Zelig looked up from a pile of clipboards he was detailing with an annoyed expression. "Are we working or are we chatting up birds here? Come on Griffin, help me get this LCD mounted."

"I'll call you." Said Griffin over his shoulder as he strolled over to Zelig. He then made a big show of rippling his muscles as he lifted the heavy screen .

Miss Pringle stuck her nose up in the air and marched into Dr. Levin's office to give her hourly report (10 minutes early but who's counting).

I shook my head ruefully. "Do lines like that ever work?" Pippity pap pippty.

"You'd be surprised." Said Stewart.

"Well they shan't work on her." Said Andrew loyally. Pap,pop,pop.

"You'd be surprised." Said Stewart again.

"Not our Miss Pringle." Insisted Andrew.

"Care to..." Pop, pop, pappty, pop. "Give over Corrine!" Said Andrew, taking away my bubble wrap and handing me some sheet music to choose from.

"Sorry."

"Care to wager on that?" He said to Andrew.

"It's not going to happen." Said Andrew.

"Ten quid says their snogging by the end of the month."

"Done." Said Andrew reaching for his wallet.

"Victoria?"

"I don't know," Said Seras. "She seem to desperately hate him but..."

"But what?"

"But there was this kind of gleam in her eye when she swung at him..." She pondered a moment. "I'll wager a fiver."

"Covered. Corrine?"

"You're sick you know that?"

"No from Corrine. Zelig!?"

"What?"

"Book on the Ice maiden"

"Excellent! Details?"

"Straight odds. Snogging by the end of the month."

"I'll bet with the house."

"Fine, you can cover Victoria's five. Corrine's holding the money." He said holding out a 10 pound note to me.

"What? Why me?"

"Cause you're not betting."

"I don't want to." I said pushing Stewart's hand away.

"Come on Corrine." Said Zelig. "It's an honer to hold the money."

"No. This bet is immoral and I want no part of it!"

"I'll give you back your bubble wrap."

"Done." I said holding out my hand. Miss Pringle choose that moment to stroll back into the lab so I had to stuff the money down my shirt as I had no pockets (Griffin spent much of the rest of the afternoon trying to get change a 20) and try not to look guilty.

Miss Pringle gave out little group a disdainful look a stalked to her desk to ignore us and do paperwork.

Pippty, pop, pippt pop. Went Seras, Andrew, and I. As Stewart finished calibrating his machines.

Miss Pringle gritted her teeth, gripped her pencil tightly and continued to write.

"How about a sound level check?" Said Stewart.

We grinned and complied. Pop, pip, pip, pap, pop, pop,pop, papptity, pappity, pop, pop...

"Stop that infernal noise this instant!" Shouted Miss Pringle as she launched herself out of her chair towards us. She snatched away first, Andrew's bubble wrap then mine. She reached for Seras' but thought better of it when she growled at her.

"Oi!" Barked Seras. "Get your own!"

"This plastic wrap is not a toy!" She said jabbing her finger at us. "So stop playing with it! What if it's needed to wrap parts back up? It's of no use if you've popped all the bubbles!"

"What's she going on about now?" Asked Zelig.

Griffin whispered into his ear.

"Bubble wrap? Are you kidding me?" He glared at Miss Pringle. "It's just bits of bubble wrap. I've got rolls of it back in the barracks. What's wrong with you? I'm trying to work here!" He was quiet a moment. "It is the final purpose of bubble wrapped to be popped." He said philosophically. "It is it's, destiny." He smiled benignly at her. "Besides, it makes the most delightful sound when you pop it don't you think? Quite addictive actually."

We all nodded at his sage wisdom. Except of course for Miss Pringle.

"you're all just deliberately trying to provoke me but it won't work!" She said slamming the bubble wrap in her hand onto a counter. Unfortunately her hand clipped the edge of a small box flipping it up in the air, end over end and spraying foam packing peanuts everywhere.

No one made a sound.

Miss Pringle calmly straightened her back and smoothed down her dress.

"Miss Pringle." Said Andrew. "You've got a little something in your..." He pointed to her head.

She reached up and plucked a packing peanut from where it had landed in her hat. She glared a moment at the offending object before grinding it to dust, probably pretending it was one of our heads.

"Hey!" Shouted Zelig. "What are you doing? I save those, I use those!"

"No." She said calmly. "I refuse to believe that."

"Is she calling me a liar?" asked Zelig angerly.

"fraid so." Said Griffin.

"Are you calling me a liar?!" He shouted.

"Yes." Said Miss Pringle.

"You shouldn't call him a liar nurse Pringle." Said Griffin. "He don't like it."

"Well then, he should stop lying. Shouldn't he?" She said smiling condescendingly.

Zelig started puffing up again and turning purple. "You..."

"Actually Miss," Said Stewart urgently. "he uses them all the time."

"Oh really?"

"Yes Miss. He uses them to make explosives."

She stared at him non-plussed.

"Apparently, they're so common, it makes it hard to trace. Harder to prove who did it in court. If you know what I mean miss."

"Acquitted of all charges." Said Zelig proudly.

"That you were Bertie." Said Stewart.

"But these are the white packing peanuts." Said Zelig. "I mostly use those in potting soil. Helps the drainage."

Miss Pringle's jaw snapped shut.

"Now the pink ones, they make excellent explosives. They burn pretty too, but not the green ones, I'm not sure why that is. Of course, I never use the colored ones in the potting soil. Chemicals might hurt the plants."

Miss Pringle turned without a word and walked into Dr. Levin's office. She shoved Dr. Levin (who was scribbling furiously in his notebook) out of his office and locked the door.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLI

2010-12-17T12:08:00.022-05:00

That afternoon at tea, Walter had a most interesting suggestion as to how I could help Seras.

"It's a long shot." He said, as I fiddled with the rubber tubing included in the box of materials he had gathered together for his plan. "But I think if you are the one making the offer, she just might accept. She will will see it as an act of friendship not charity or duty."

"Possibly." I said dropping the tubing back in the box and glancing at the needles with distaste. "But why all the steps?" I asked reaching for my teacup. "Why can't I just let her..?"

"No." He said firmly. That would be most unwise."

I stilled my hands, cup halfway to mouth and looked at him questioningly.

"We need your actions to be intimate enough for Miss Victoria to feel comfortable feeding but still maintain enough distance between your providing the blood and her drinking it so that she knows your are willingly providing food but does not think of you as the food itself." He locked onto me with his steely intense gaze and said calmly but forcefully. "If I were even to suspect that you were considering letting Miss Victoria feed directly off of you, I would separate the two of you immediately and forbid any further contact between you permanently. Is that understood?"

I opened my mouth but no words came out, speechless under his onslaught.

He softened a bit. "Ms. Doyle," He said, gently removing the rattling teacup from my hand. "my concern is for your safety. What we attempt here is dangerous and, if done improperly, could cause irreparable harm. Miss Victoria is close to the breaking point otherwise I would not even consider this plan and I certainly would not consider involving you Ms. Doyle, if I did not trust you to proceed with all due caution."

He refilled my teacup and handed it back to me. "I would not wish to lose either one of you."

I smiled at him feeling a bit warm and fuzzy. 'How sweet.' I thought. "Thank you." I said, taking a sip.

"Yes, Sir Integra has charged me with the care of both yourself and Miss Victoria so it would be quite remiss of me to allow one of you to massacre the other in a frenzied bloodbath. She would be very annoyed at me to say the least."

My warm and fuzzy moment died. "I see." I said.

"Very messy. Quite inconvenient."

"OK, I get it!" Just couldn't leave it at warm and fuzzy, could you Walter?

He smiled slightly then his expression grew intense once again. "In all seriousness Ms. Doyle, if you have any doubts, any doubts whatsoever, please do not feel you must go through with this. We can always try something else."

"Is there another plan at this time?"

"Not as such, no."

"Well then, why don't we go over precisely how this is to be done." I said, putting down my teacup and handing him a syringe.

******

We sprang out plan on Seras that Thursday, one of my nights off from my "special training" with Alucard. When she woke up I was to be waiting for her in her room.

She had this cool mechanical canopy bed Walter had designed for her which converted into a sort of coffin during her daylight sleeping hours. She was late in getting up so I knocked on the lid a few times to wake her.

"Go away." Came her muffled voice.

"Get up!" I chirped loudly.

"I'm tired."

"Come now." I shouted cheerfully. "The moon is shining and all the ...um, owls are ...hooting in the breeze."

"Mumble murf munf muff!"

"That's no way for a lady to talk!" I said, smacking the lid. "You spend too much time hanging out with Burnadett."

"I'm tired. Go away."

I was weary of waiting and afraid I would loose my nerve so I sat down on top of her bed/coffin and started singing show tunes but warping the lyrics.

"There's a bright silver haze on the meadow. There's a bright silver haze on the meadow..."

"Shut it!" She said banging the lid once from the inside.

"When the black, black bat comes flap, flap, flapping along. A-long!" I sang, drumming my heels in time to the music. "Come on, I've got a million of these."

"OK. OK."

"Yeay!" I said, jumping off as the lid started to rumble open.

Seras rubbed her eyes, stretched, and rolled out of bed hitting the ground with a thud. She looked up at me smiling sheepishly. She still had her uniform on.

"Late night?"

"mmumf."

"I didn't hear the bell. Another of Captain Chambers' training exorcises?"

"grumble (yawn) munf munf."

I felt a bit guilty waking her up like this but Walter said she would be at her most pliant around twilight therefore more likely to accept my offer. I was just glad she wasn't as grumpy about being woken up as I am.

"Sorry." I said offering my hand. "But I have a surprise for you."

"Mmmm?"

"No, it's a surprise. You go wash up and I'll get it ready."

While she was gone, I pulled out my supplies. Walter had shown me how to run a line into a vein on the back of my hand and had helped me carefully tape the tube down and around to the bottom of my wrist so it did not show as much. We then, very carefully, cleaned away all traces of blood.

Now came the tricky part.

I was not to draw the blood directly in front of Seras but was also not to let it get cold so I only had a few minutes. I quickly filled several syringes without spilling a drop (take that Miss Pringle!) then removed the lid from the covered tray and set about injecting the items therein with the gruesome contents. I had just emptied the last syringe and was carefully wiping my line with an alcohol pad when she returned.

"What are you doing?" She asked as I quickly swept the syringe into my supply kit. I dropped the pad in after it and sealed the lid.

"A surprise for you! Sit down, sit down." I said, smiling and placing my hand behind my back.

She looked at me suspiciously and sat down her eyes on my box. I picked up the covered tray with my other hand and placed it in front of her grinning.

She lifted the lid and stared at the contents with a puzzled frown. "Truffles?"

"Not just any truffles my dear, Lindt dark chocolate truffles, the best!"

"But I ..." she started, then her nostrils flared. She stared at the the tray a moment, her eyes glazed, her lips slightly parted, then she slammed the lid down.

"They're very good." I said, pulling one from the bag I had set aside for myself and unwrapping it.

"They're filled with blood." She said in a dead pan voice.

"Yes, I know, I filled them." I said. "With my own blood no less!" I held up my wrist. "Pretty neat huh? Walter helped me with the tape."

"It's not funny." She said, glaring at me.

"No, it's not funny." I said, glaring back. "Not funny to watch you starve yourself night after night while I stuff my face in front of you. Not funny to watch you grow weaker and more desperate for food everyday. Not funny at all."

"But your blood... I can't." She said choking.

"As you say, it's my blood. I can give it to whomever I want."

She shook her head, closing her eyes and shuttering. "You're my friend, I can't feed off of you."

"You can and you will!" I said slamming my hand down on the table. "Look," I said taking her hand and stroking it gently. "If by giving you my blood I help ease your hunger even the slightest bit, then I am glad to give it." I looked deep into her eyes. "I offer it freely as a friend. Will you accept it?"

She looked at the tray and bit her lip with indecision.

"Young lady, if you don't eat your chocolate truffles, you will be sent to bed without any dessert!"

She smiled at me, lifting the lid. "What's for dessert then? Brussel sprouts?"

"How'd you guess? Now eat before it gets cold." I said popping my own unwrapped truffle into my mouth. "These are so good!" I said through a mouthful of chocolate.

She slowly, cautiously, placed a truffle in her mouth and bit into it. I tried not to think about my blood trickling down her throat and instead concentrated on unwrapping another truffle and eating it. It was all I could do not to throw up but I could not let Sears see that so I looked at the ceiling pretending to savor the candy until the nausea passed.

Seras reached for another piece. A good sign.

By her 4th truffle, I could finally look her in the eye again, just not at her mouth while she was chewing, and we were even managing a bit of light conversation. By her 8th truffle, Seras was chattering away like a magpie. I don't know if it was he blood or the caffeine but she was wired.

I just smiled and chattered back. Even when the last truffle began to leak, I just pretended I didn't notice it. Seras quickly popped it into her mouth, wiping the blood off of the tray with her finger.

"This is quite good." She said, unthinkingly licking her fingers.

"Yes, it's very good chocolate." I said, trying to silence the gibbering monkey in my head which was screaming at me to run away. 'It's OK. It's OK. Just pretend it's a cherry cordial. But it's not! It's my blood! It's OK. It's OK. You can do this.' "We should try Mrs. See's sometime it's my favorite." 'Oh God, oh God, oh God!'

******

It was dark in the corridor outside of Sera's room, just a single light bulb to mark the foot of the stairs and even darker down towards Alucard's chambers. Not many of the staff ventured this way and vampires don't mind the dark.

Normally I wouldn't mind the dark either but I was tired and dizzy and feeling a bit disturbed so when I placed my hand on the wall to steady myself and encountered not cold, rough stone but warm, smooth fabric, I was more than a little freaked out.

I yelped and jumped back stumbling over my own feet. I would have fallen if a strong hand had not firmly gripped my arm and pulled me back upright.

"Walter?" I screeched. "You startled me." I managed to say in a more normal voice as he released my arm.

"I am sorry." He said. "That was not my intent. I merely meant to be on hand, should you require assistance with the stairs."

I looked at him uncomprehending for a moment. How could I have not seen him? I must be tired.

"It's rather dim and the steps can be treacherous."

I looked over at the stairs then back at him. Me, Walter and staircases, quite the emotional history. I smiled at him sheepishly. "Thank you. That's very kind." I said handing him the box of supplies and following him to the stairs.

"Did everything go well?" He asked, motioning me to proceed him up the stairs. He followed immediately behind and just to the left of me.

"As well as could be expected." I said clambering up the the steps. "She ate but I'm afraid I..Whoops!" I had turned my head to speak to him and tripped on the next riser. Walter's hand came up to steady me. I looked down at the glove gripping my arm and gasped. I knew those gloves. That rough, heavy leather of their fingers, the smooth reinforced plates in the palm. Those were the gloves from my hallucination in the elevator. The ones he was wearing when he... I shuttered at the memory but forced myself not to yank my arm from his grip and possibly send us both tumbling down the stairs.

Why was he wearing those gloves?

"Ms. Doyle?"

"I'm fine, just a bit dizzy. I'll be all right in a moment." I half lied.

"Are you sure?" He asked. "I can..."

"No really, I'll be fine." I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. This was getting dangerously close to a reverse re-enactment of our first encounter on the stairs.

"Very well." Said Walter, lowering his hand.

I sagged with relief which caused Walter's hand to start up again. I bit my lip and forced myself not to flinch. He must have sensed something because he checked himself and stared down at his hand with a puzzled expression.

"Oh I am sorry Ms. Doyle. I'd forgotten to remove my work gloves. The plates didn't hurt you did they?" His intense gaze locked onto mine.

"No Walter." I said tightly, staring at the gloves. 'But the wire wrapped around my neck sure did.' I thought shuttering a bit. I still sometimes had nightmares.

He stared at me a moment longer. "Very thoughtless of me." He said dropping his hand to his side. "Please forgive me."

It was my turn to stare at him. The 'forgive me' seemed out of proportion. After all, he wasn't responsible for what had happened in the elevator. He had no control over Alucard's actions. Then it dawned on me that he wasn't just talking about the gloves.

Over these last several weeks, Walter had become more than just my babysitter, he had become my guardian and protector. Sheltering me, encouraging me, giving me the tools I needed to heal, to find my way. But for all his strengths, we both knew that there was one person, one thing, he could not protect me from.

Alucard.

He could advise me, console me but he could not sheild me from the monster. What was it Alucard had said about Walter and his overdeveloped sense of chivalry?

My knight could not only not rescue the damsel from the dragon but had to keep sending her back into its cave, poorly armed and with very few defenses. The fact that she had volunteered did not seem to matter.

Far from decreasing him in my eyes, my hero worship for Walter only increased. I was a total heel for taking off my robe like that the other night and showing my bruises to everyone. I had let anger and spite move me to thoughtless action and poor Walter had once again borne the brunt of my foolishness by being drawn into a useless confrontation with Alucard. Alucard was right, I was pathetic and whiny.

"Walter," I said with all sincerity. "there is nothing to forgive."

There was an awkward moment of silence as Walter seemed to ponder a reply to my statement. For once, I was able to come to the rescue. I smiled and said lightly, "They are, after all, only a pair of gloves. No harm done, see?" I wiggled my arm to demonstrate. "But I am a bit hungery. Can we get something to eat?"

He eyed me for a moment then said. "Of course Ms. Doyle. What would you like?"

"Anything but chocolate." I said dramatically.

We both smiled a bit at that.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XL

2010-11-30T17:33:00.016-05:00

It took two soul wrenching days for Griffin to teach me to maneuver the "Tortoise" about the motor pool lot without the constant grinding of gears and the unremitting wails of "Ach! Your a kellin her gel. Your kellin her!" from Bulls. Finally, on the third day, I was allowed to take the 'pur gel' once around the course on the proving grounds and managed to only run over two "pedestrian" pop-ups and a stuffed squirrel Bulls had thrown out in front of the transport.

I slammed on the brakes, throwing Griffin out of his seat and jumped out of the transport horrified and crying (just a little) thinking I had killed it. Griffin punched Bulls hard twice on the shoulder. Once, for making me cry and then again for offering me an oil rag as a handkerchief. Bulls apologetically pulled the mangled lump out from under the treads to show me it wasn't real.

"Wow," I said snuffling a bit. "Those treads really did a number on him."

"Ah the pur wee beasty, do you think he's done for Corrine?" Asked Bulls.

"Poor beasty my as-ah butt." Said Griffin. "Your the idiot who tossed it."

"Aye, but I dinna quite realize..."

"You want me to fix him for you?" I asked.

"Can ya you think?"

"I can try." I said.

"I've got a better idea." Said Griffin tossing me up onto his beefy shoulder and shouting 'Medic!" as he ran for the back of the transport. Bulls laughed and ran along behind us the "squirrel" flopping about in his hands.

Anders came charging in after us, medical bag at the ready only to find a dismembered stuffed animal on his gurney. "You think he'll pull through doc?" was all Griffin had time to say before Anders physically thew us out of the back of the transport calling us 'juvenile idiots' and something else, in German I believe, before slamming the door shut in our faces.

We all looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"I hope he's not too mad." I said. "He already doesn't like me."

"Naw, it's good. He ain't been properly pissed off in ages."

"What do you mean? He always seems angry to me."

"Yeah, he's been an angry SOB since we got here." Said Griffin.

"Aye all mopin and morose. Specially since you shewed oop."

"Gee, thanks." I said. "I feel much better now."

"Noo, noo he's been angry ya see but he haint been pissed off proper for some time."

"You lost me." I said.

"That's cause Groundskeeper Willie here don't speak English proper." Said Griffin. "Look it's simple. Anders has always been a moody one, 'thinks too much' the Sarge says. Thinks about things guys like us shouldn't think about."

"Like what."

"like when life begins, when it ends...where you go after you die. The kind of things that might make you think twice before you pull the trigger and blow some guy's head off. Make you think maybe you shouldn't cause what if he's got a family or what if I'm going to Hell for killing some guy I've got no beef with just cause I'm gettin paid too. Then it's your brains that end up spattered on the wall cause you can be sure that's not what the other guy's thinking, he's thinking I'm gonna kill this stupid SOB before he kills me."

"Too philosophical." Said Bulls.

"Yeah," Said Griffin. "Too many books, too much thinking."

I looked at them speechless.

"Look now, you've shooked her."

"Aww, it's just the truth is all. I mean ain't none of of saints. Corrine knows that."

"No, yes. I mean, I know it's the truth. I just never thought about it that way before."

"That's the ticket Corrine. There's stuff ya just shouldn't think too close about too often. You'll just wake up screaming at night and that's no good is it?"

"Of course." I said. Pushing my misgivings aside to think about later.

"See, she get's it."

"Smart gel."

"Yeah. But now see Anders, he gets stuck thinking about these things and then gets all moody and mad cause he can't stop. Usually, we can knock him out of it by doing something real stupid and annoying to piss him off. Then he can yell and blow off steam and be OK again for awhile. Not too bad a guy. Kinda funny in a over thinky sort of way."

"Boot lately, nothing we did would piss him oof and we rella di try, you know."

"I'm sure you did."

"Yeah but he wouldn't yell. He would just get more and more quiet and more and more angry. Finally the Sarge said to just leave him alone. That he could be as pissy as he wanted as long as he did his job right. So we did."

"Till now."

"Yeah, well, the squirrel thing was just to good to miss."

"Brilliant."

"Yeah."

"Well, it was kind of funny." I admitted. "Do you think it worked?"

"I hoope so."

"Yeah, the yellin' in German was a good sign. He usually only does that when you break something."

"So now what?" I asked. We still had an hour left in my training session and Anders had locked himself, and the keys, inside.

"Tch, we rella should get er back un there afore Mr. Walter comes back."

"Yeah, with that damn clipboard lookin all dissapprovin like."

"Or the Sargent..."

"shi...oot. We gotta get her back in" Griffin looked at me apologetically. I smiled back at him. tickled at his efforts to not swear around me. 'How odd my life is.' I thought.

"Can ya jimmy the lock Porn?" Asked Bulls.

Griffin nodded. "But you'll need to distract Anders. He's wicked mean with those needles."

"Hmm." Said Bulls. "Tricky."

"We could just ask him to open the door." I said.

"Naw" Said Griffin. "Oh, I know. Corrine, why don't you.. (whisper, whisper)..Ouch!"

I glared at him barely amused.

"Fine, leave your top on. Oh, I know, you could bend over to get something and.. Ouch!"

"Or," I said through gritted teeth. "we could just ask him to open the door."

"Nooo, I dunna think so Corrine. It hasta be tricky you see."

"Yeah, like if Corrine were to..."

Don't make me hit you again."

"OK, OK relax. No nudity sheeze."

"Oooh, I know." Said Bulls, introducing a very bad plan involving a tow truck and a diffused hand grenade.

"Naw," Said Griffin. "How about..." This was an even worse plan and involved a small brush fire.

"Or," I said marching towards the transport. "we could just ask him to open the door."

"Noo, Corrine. Noo! Ye can't ask him! It hasta be tricky."

"Yeah, or it don't count. See?"

"Fine." I sighed. "I'll think of something."

"Good girl. I just need a minute, two tops, if he took the keys and I hav'ta hotwire it. "

"Don you cut my pur babe. She's been through enough."

I left them bickering,walked to the back door of the transport and knocked. "Anders?" I called out.

"What do you want?" Came his muffled voice through the door.

"Would you please open the door?"

"Why?"

" I..." I caught sight of Griffin circling the ambulance as Bulls kept waiving and tapping the side of his nose to remind me to be 'tricky'. I sighed. "I um, hit my head on the door frame when Griffin carried me into the Tortoise." I said.

"So?"

"I thought you could check it."

"Ha!"

I tapped my foot impatiently and was rewarded with a twinge where my leg had been clawed. "I ah, also think I may have ripped one of your sutures."

The door swung open a bit, Anders stuck his head out, stared at my leg a moment then said, "No you didn't" and slammed the door shut in my face.

Griffin who was now sidling his large frame along the far side of the vehicle gave me a thumbs up while Bulls was signaling me from the sidelines to 'stretch it out'. Subtle as turkey vultures, the both of them. I sighed and knocked again.

"Anders?"

"Still here?"

"Yes. Please open the door."

"Why?"

"Because you've locked us out and I have to drive us back to the motor pool before Walter or Sergent Marks comes looking for us."

Anders poked his head out the door and glared at me. "Why didn't you just say that the first time?"

"Not tricky enough?" I asked meekly.

His gaze shifted to Bulls then back to me. "Ah." He said. His mouth twitched slightly. He cleared his throat then in a loud voice said. "You think you ripped a suture you say?" He gazed at me expectantly.

"Oh, ah yes. I think i may have." I said in an equally loud voice.

"Well best come in then so I can check it." He shouted, opening the door wider and ushering me inside. He shook his head as he closed the door behind me. "So they went with the honey trap. Surprised you've still got your shirt on."

I blushed. "This was the only plan that did not involve destruction of property and or nudity."

"Ripped sutures?" He said. "Has anyone ever told you what a terrible liar you are?"

"Pretty much everyone I've tried lying to." I confessed.

That surprised a laugh out of him.

"I really did bump my head though."

"Good." He said sternly but moving over to run gentle fingers across my scalp to find the small lump.

There was some muffled cursing outside as Griffin tried to jimmy the lock.

"Idiots." Said Anders.

"They really do mean well you know." I said.

He raised his eyebrow at me.

"In an oddly perverse and annoying kind of way."

" They're not even trying to be subtle anymore."

"They're just trying to cheer you up."

He sighed. "I know."

There was more muffled cursing and small metallic grinding noises as Griffin continued struggling with the lock.

"You would think he'd be better at this." I said remembering Griffin bragging about all the cars he'd stolen as a kid.

"Not if I've jammed the locking mechanism shut." He said. "Amazing what you can do with a clamp and some surgical tape."

It was my turn to laugh. "You're like Medic MacGyver."

"Yes." He said drolly. "He'll figure it out in a minute. He was born to steal. Follow my finger. Just your eyes please."

He straightened out tucking his pen light away. "Your good." he said. tossing me the keys.

"OK to drive then Doc?" I asked.

"Yes. Please do hurry before he tries to hotwire it."

"No." I said touching his arm. "I mean, is it OK to drive with you?"

He became quite still. "If I say no?"

"Then I ask Walter to put me somewhere else."

He stared at me intently for a long moment then held out his hand. "Lukas Anders." He said. "Looks like we'll be riding together."

"Corrine Doyle." I said. "Looks like we are."

There was a tearing noise then a sort of a 'sproingg ping' as the clamp broke loose and flew across the inside of the transport's cabin. A low, evil chuckle rumbled from Griffin as the lock popped open.

He actually seemed disappointed to find me already sitting in the driver's seat.

It all ended well though.

I manged to back the Tortoise into the garage without further incident and Bulls was so delighted that Griffin had not had to hotwire her that he presented me with a nice pink lay to hang from the rear view mirror. Anders pretended to hate it beyond reason in front of them both and so everyone was happy by the time Walter arrived to fetch me for tea.

Which, of course, made me happy.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXXIX

2010-10-19T21:55:00.025-04:00

For the rest of the morning we all tried to be very, very quiet and not be noticed by Miss Pringle.

Dr Levin had it easy, he simply fled to his office, Andrew proved quite proficient in the fine art of camouflage, disguising himself as a piece of lab equipment while Seras and I pretended to be potted plants.

It was all working beautifully until just before noon when Miss Pringle went into Dr. Levin's office to deliver her hourly report and caught him printing out the specs Zelig had emailed for the new bulletin board. The brittle smile she had kept plastered to her face all morning shattered, she burst into tears and stormed out of the lab.

When Walter arrived to fetch me a few minutes later, he was greeted by a chorus of "It wasn't me!" from Dr. Levin, the centrifuge and a couple of palm trees.

"It really wasn't me this time." I said to Walter as we headed out to the motor pool for my 'driving on the wrong side of the road' lesson from Griffin.

"Perhaps not directly and yet, lately, whenever my life is disrupted Ms. Doyle, there you always seem to be."

"But in a good way, right?"

"Hardly."

I muttered under my breath.

"I beg you pardon Ms. Doyle?"

"You heard me."

"I believe you just called me 'stuffy'?"

"That's right."

"I fail to see how a dislike of disruptions in one's life warrants the use of the term stuffy."

"Perhaps not, but your use of the term 'one's life' in that sentence certainly does."

"Ms. Doyle."

"Now wait, listen. I'm just trying to explain how disruption can be a good thing."

"I am breathless with anticipation."

"Aww see now that's sarcasm, we don't use that in the States. I have half a mind not to tell you then you will always wonder at the pearls of wisdom you may have missed. "

"Ah, my humblest apologies. Pray, do continue Ms. Doyle."

"This is me ignoring the sarcasm."

"You are in an interesting mood today Ms. Doyle."

"I am Mr. Dolneaze, I really am." I grinned at him wickedly.

He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Oh I don't know, perhaps it's the change in the weather, I'm feeling quite..."

"Perverse? Feverish perhaps?"

"I was going to say feisty."

"Hmm."

"Speaking of perverse, you're in a bit a mood today yourself."

"Am I Ms. Doyle?"

"Yes, Mr. Dolneaze."

"I never considered myself as the type to be subject to 'moods'."

"Hmm. Well I suppose even Uberbutlers are entitled to them now and again."

"Oh, I'm quite certain we're not."

"No?"

"It's strictly forbidden I'm afraid."

"Well that seems a bit unfair."

"Page 43 of the handbook: In order to obtain Evil Butler Superpowers, one most forgo mood swings, flights of fancy and looking at paintings of small children with overly large eyes."

I swung around to stare at him my jaw agape. "How...?"

He gazed at me serenely.

"Seras! That traitor."

"I assure you it wasn't intentional. She was trying to tell Corporal Bulls a joke and she didn't realize I was in the next room."

"I'm going to kill her!"

"That would be a bit redundant don't you think?"

I glared at him a moment then deflated. "Do you ever tire of being right all the time Walter?"

"Never."

"Humph!"

I tried to look put out but simply could not muster a scowl. It just kept turning into a grin.

The prior day had been a misery for me as I wondered how my, oh so public, skirmish with Alucard was going to effect my relationships with the rest of the Hellsing staff. I knew Seras would understand and stand by me no matter what but was not so sure how the Geese and Walter would react once the dust had settled. I had spent the morning on pins and needles until Walter had picked me up from the lab and brought me to the motor pool for my first driving lesson on the medical transport.

Walter had been his usual hard to read self but Griffin had greeted me warmly and the pink, fuzzy steering wheel cover and lighted vanity mirror he and Bulls had jokingly installed (over Anders' wild protest) had eased my fears a bit. Stewart and Zelig's stunt in the lab the next day had left no doubt in my mind where I stood with the Geese, freak or no, I was still their Corrine.

And now Walter, who had had to cancel tea with me the day before in order to finish up the budget meeting my serenade had disrupted, was teasing me again. You don't really realize how much you miss a thing until it is gone and strange as it sounds Walter busting my chops had become a very important part of my day. That and tea. I really, really, like tea.

I smiled a bit then sobered trying to reorder my thoughts. "Where was I?"

"We were discussing the the futility of your homicidal inclinations towards Miss Victoria."

"No, no, before that."

"Disruptions?"

"Yes, disruptions. Thank you."

"Of course."

"I mean where would we be without disruption?"

"One can only dream."

"No, we would be nowhere. Disruptions challenge us. They goad us out of complacency and into action. Distractions, while also sometimes useful, can be ignored but a good old fashion disruption forces us to confront our problems and resolve our issues. It's the fuel that helps the creative spark take fire. It forces us to innovate to progress."

"That is a surprisingly good argument." He said.

"Yes, I'm very smart you know."

His lips quirked a bit indicating that the word he was thinking of began with 'smart' but didn't end there.

"And how, Ms. Doyle would you argue that distractions are useful?"

"Oh that's easy. The word itself tells you how."

"Oh yes?"

"Yes." I said raising a finger. "Distraction; dis, from the Latin 'to discuss ', action from the Greek to 'go do something fun' ."

He looked at me for a moment his eyebrow raised. "Ah, what a fine example you are Ms. Doyle of the American public school system."

"You scoff Mr. Dolneaze and yet," I said indicating myself with a flourish. "Worlds biggest superpower."

Ms. Doyle, I will concede that a modicum of disruption can be useful if you will concede that the remainder..."

"Yes Mr. Dolneaze?"

"Are hopelessly untidy and generate far to much paperwork."

"I bow to the master Walter."

He nodded sagely.

"Walter?"

"Yes Ms. Doyle?"

"Was there anything else you had to give up for your Evil Butler superpowers?"

"Jelly-babies."

"Oh, that's too bad."

"Yes, I was quite fond of them in my youth." He said opening the door for me to the motor pool's office.

I smiled as he ushered me inside. Walter was teasing me again and all was right with the world.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXXVIII

2010-07-31T13:03:00.050-04:00

Oddly enough things have become a bit more normal since that night. Normal, of course, being a relative term.

I seem to have passed some sort of test with Alucard. He is still cruel, brutally so at times, but he has begun to actually explain which lesson it is that will be hammered into me in a given evening. He also seems less inclined to frighten me at every turn but is still determined to push me to the breaking point and sometimes beyond.

Currently we are working on my ability to sense and communicate with the undead across distances. I can now always tell where Seras is anywhere on the estate and can even pick up on and send her some rudimentary messages, images mostly. I can still only sense Alucard when he is physically near or wants me to "see" him.

There is also something down there in the caves, it's faint but I can feel its wrongness. I keep telling myself that its just an illusion of Alucard's to scare me but I am too frightened of confronting him and finding out that I am wrong.

The Geese, of course, are unfazable (Note my heroic self control in not using the word 'unflappable' here). Two days after the grotto "party" Stewart and Zelig paid an unannounced visit to the lab towing an oscilloscope behind them.

While Stewart brightly explained to an interested Dr. Levin and a horrified Miss Pringle that they wanted to run some tests on my voice, Zelig wandered about the lab oohing and ahhing over some of the more intricate machines, an annoyed Andrew trailing him repeatedly saying things like 'put that down please sir' and 'don't touch that, it's delicate'.

Seras, who had been totally bored and asking for the last half hour if she could please just go to bed, suddenly perked up. She put down the "Guns and Ammo" magazine she had been thumbing through and asked excitedly if I was going to sing for them.

"Of course not!" Said Miss Pringle "Don't be ridiculous!"

"Why ever not?" Asked Seras annoyed. "Sounds fun."

"Yes, why not?" Asked Stewart.

"Well first off," said Miss Pringle "This is a professional lab not a science fair exhibit. Dr Levin is a very busy man doing very important work. We do not do things because they 'sound fun'."

"I can vouch for that." I said. "The no fun part that is." I muttered under my breath.

Seras giggled.

Miss Pringle narrowed her eyes at me.

"Well, I am a busy man." Said Dr. Levin unsure.

"Yes, Dr. you are." chirped Miss Pringle. "Besides, there are regulations to consider." She said meaningfully.

"Regu-whats?" Asked Zelig pondering a centrifuge while absently knuckle rolling a test tube between his fingers.

Andrew, his arms now full of assorted items he had taken away from Zelig, gestured with his head towards the prominently posted, engraved sign prohibiting singing, humming or whistling in the lab.

"That's a joke right?" Said Zelig. "I sometimes have trouble telling." He whispered to Andrew.

"Not in the least." Said Miss Pringle. "Posted regulations are to be upheld at all times."

"If it's on the wall, it's law." Seras and I chorused.

"Well I can understand that. Rules are important" Said Stewart locking his attention on Miss Pringle and attempting to charm her with a smile. but couldn't we just 'take down' the sign just this one time for a bit. You know, for science."

Miss Pringle pursed her lips clearly torn between rules and flattery.

"Unfortunately It's bolted to the wall." Remarked Andrew wryly, clearly forgetting Zelig's earlier confession about jokes and not getting them.

"Oh I can fix that." Said Zelig brightly. He stuck the test tube on the end of Andrew's finger and pulled out a long, wicked looking knife from his belt.

"Gaahh!" Said Andrew.

"Bugger." Said Stewart.

"Oooh." said Seras appreciatively. "Is that the D2 Extreme?"

"Mmmhmm." Said Zelig strolling past a terrified Andrew towards the sign. "Got it on eblade." He stopped before the picture and tilted his head appraisingly. He lifted his thumbs and forefingers before him like a director framing up a shot.

"Just what do you think your doing there young man!" Said Dr. Levin. He turned to Stewart "What is he doing?"

"Um.." Said Stewart

"Aha, right, got it." said Zelig.

"Berti, wait.." Said Stewart but it was too late.

Flourishing his knife dramatically, Zelig leaped up into the air then, in one blindingly fast move, swung his arm down sliding the blade between the sign and the wall. There was quiet 'pop, pop' noise just as Zelig landed lightly on his feet. He sheathed his knife then reached out his hand just in time to have the sign fall neatly into his palm.

Seras and I applauded as he spun the sign on his finger and bowed.

"What did you do? You horrid little man!"

"What?" Zelig asked confused. He glanced at the wall then back at Miss Pringle's angry expression. "Oh I see." he said. "Well, I can fix that." He started to hand the sign to Andrew only to find him no longer standing there. "Huh," he said. then shrugged and Frisbee'd the sign over to Stewart. He pulled out his knife, tilted his head, whistled a bar from the '1812 overture' and sprang once more into the air. 'Clink-pop', 'Clink-pop' two bolts flew from the wall caught deftly in Zelig's free hand.

The crowed (that would be Seras and I) cheered.

"That was so cool!" I said.

"Bravo, Zelig. Well done!" added Seras.

"Please don't encourage him." Said Stewart. "He's very literal." He said to Pringle and Levin. "He really means well." He added as a cheerful Zelig proudly presented miss Pringle with the bolts from the wall.

"I can Spackle the holes for you if you'd like, probably won't even need paint. Or..., " Said Zelig staring up at the wall a dreamy expression on his face. "Or you could put up a bulletin board. Better yet, one of those dry erase boards with the steel backing for magnets or, or," He said, pulling out a pencil and notebook from his pocket. "I could make you a custom board with a testing schedule organizer and a results tally space, ooh yes and little line of hooks across the bottom, in burnished brass of course," He continued, sketching furiously. "to hang your medical charts on and Velcro pen holders on the clip boards so you don't loose the pens, I love Velcro don't you?"

"Err, yes?" Said Dr Levin.

"And Perhaps I could rig up a few ticker tape type electronic banners you know, to monitor tests in progress. Yes, nice! " He said adding a few last strokes before handing the paper to Dr. Levin.

"Err.." Said Dr. Levin.

"What? " Said Miss Pringle. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Ridiculous?" Bristled Zelig.

"What she means Zelig," Said Stewart. "is that it's more than they need. "

"I know what I meant." Grumped Miss Pringle.

"But It would look so much better. Real, hi tech science-y like."

"That's not even a real word!" Said Miss Pringle.

Zelig looked down his nose at her disdainfully. "You, have no art in your soul." He sniffed, then turned to me. "You see what I have to deal with?"

"Most great artists are under-appreciated in their time Berti." I said.

"You see," he said to Stewart. "Corrine understands. That's cause she's got art in her soul."

"Thank you Berti." I beamed.

"Not helping." Said Stewart.

"I wouldn't mind a dry erase board." Said Dr. Levin.

"Yes!" Said Zelig."

Miss Pringle looked at Dr. Levin aghast.

"Well, maybe not the whole lot." He back-pedalled. "Afraid we don't have the budget. But those hooks sound jolly nice." He said to a crestfallen Zelig.

"Budgets," Sighed Zelig. "The unremitting bane of all true artists."

"Perhaps the Velcro pens too?" Piped up Andrew from the corner he had been cowering in. "I never can seem to find one when it's needed."

"And you could use the magnets to post your hourly updates." Said Dr. Levin placatingly to Miss Pringle. "So they don't get misplaced."

"True..." Said Miss Pringle pursing her lips in thought.

There was a moment of silence as we all contemplated the wall's potential then Miss Pringle shook her head and said, "Bah! That's not the point. The point is this man..." She said gesturing towards Zelig.

"Quite right Miss Pringle. Quite right. "Where would we all be without you keeping us on track?" Interrupted Stewart. "We were of course discussing the experiment we wanted to work with Dr. Levin on."

"Work on with Dr. Levin." Corrected Miss Pringle.

"That's the spirit Miss Pringle." Said Stewart. "Glad to have you on board. Isn't that right Zelig?"

"What?" Asked Zelig who, with the help of Dr. Levin, had begun measuring the wall.

"Experiment." Said Stewart, tapping the oscilloscope with a finger.

"Right!" Said Zelig. "The experiment." He put his arm around Dr. Levin's shoulders and walked him over to the device. "Your going to love this." He said. "We thought, if we could sync up the outputs of this device with your EEG, we could track both the changes in the sound waves as well as her brain waives when she starts 'broadcasting'. "

"Interesting." Said Dr. Levin. "How do you propose to synchronize the output?"

"We thought we could jack them both into my laptop." Said Stewart. "I've modified some music editing software. I figure I can rip the output from both devices then layer them into a single file."

"You can do that?" Asked Andew from his corner.

"Easy!" Said Stewart. "Technically we don't really need the oscilloscope but the mic on my laptop isn't that great plus, It adds to the whole 'mad science' look of the thing."

"You've been reading my 'Girl Genius' comics again haven't you?" I asked

"No." He said. "Don't need to. "

I raised my eyebrows.

"I found the web-comic online."

"Ha!"

"Don't get off topic Corrine." Said Zelig. "She's so distractable." He said to Dr Levin shaking his head. "But she bakes great brownies...so I've heard." He added pointedly.

I opened my mouth to retort but he held up his hand. "As we were saying." He said turning back to Dr. Levin. "We thought we would start her off acapella then move on to acoustic accompaniment, then perhaps recorded music too see if effects the results."

"Hmm." Said Dr. Levin. "How long would it take to set this up?"

"The software is loaded and Stewart here is a passable guitar player so we don't need to wait for that part, we can just jack these puppies up and go."

"Passable?" Asked Stewart offended.

"Puppies?" Asked Seras confused.

"Of course," Continued Zelig tapping a finger on his lips thinking. "later we could have a real musician play an instrument, just to see if impacts her performance."

"I'd like to discuss my impact with you right now Cupcake." Said Stewart.

Zelig whirled on Stewart. "It was agreed that we would not be using that name any longer."

"Must have missed that meeting." Said Stewart.

" It's Z now."

"What? Sorry, can't hear you Cupcake. Probably because I'm apparently tone deaf."

"It's Z!" Shouted Zelig. Puffing up like an affronted rooster.

"Not," Said Stewart quietly but firmly. "until Sargent Marks says so."

I thought for sure Zelig would explode but instead he just seemed to deflate. "Not 'til I earned it?" Said Zelig despondently.

"That's right." Said Stewart.

Zelig sighed. "It's very hard you know, the Seeing?" He frowned down at his clever little hands "Hard to make people understand."

He looked so terribly sad it that moment it was all could do not jump up and throw my arms around him. Even Miss Pringle looked sympathetic.

"You'll get there Berti." Said Stewart gently. "You just need to concentrate more that's all. I'll help."

"I suppose."

"Come on, lets hook this all up so we can have Corrine sing."

"Much as I hate to ruin this touching moment," Said Miss Pringle with a gleam in her eye. "I don't think that we are going to be able run your little experiment today."

"Why ever not?" Said Seras bringing us full circle in a moment of deja vu.

"I'm afraid that our EEG is not equipped to connect to your machine." Said Miss Pringle waiving the cables at Zelig. "So sorry." She said not looking sorry at all.

"Well drat." Said Seras.

"What nonsense is this?" Said Zelig. "Let me see." He said wrestling the cables from Miss Pringle's grasp. "Ummm hmmm."

"Wait, I think I've got something here." Said Stewart diving into his duffel. "Don't do anything!" He said to Zelig.

"Uh huh, hmmm." said Zelig ignoring Stewart as he blithely began disconnecting the cables and humming snatches of 'A little Night Music' .

"What are you doing?" Said Miss Pringle. "Stop that this instant!"

"Zelig, leave it be! I think I've got an adapter somewhere." Said Stewart. He glance up at Dr. Levin. "He's fine as long as its Mozart. That's just his thinking music. It's Beethoven and Wagner you have to worry about."

"Look you..." Began Miss Pringle tapping Zelig on the shoulder.

"Mmm hmm?" Said Zelig distractedly. "No time right now honey. Here, hold this." He said handing the loose cables to her. "And this." He said, placing a flashlight in her other hand. "Just shine it right there on the panel for me baby thanks." He finished patting her on the rump and pulling out a screwdriver.

Miss Pringle's face turned bright red, she glared at Zelig, outrage apparent in every angular line of her body. The cables dropped to the ground with a thump as Miss Pringle straightened to her full hight seething and towering over an oblivious Zelig. The only noise in the room besides Zelig's humming was a slight terrified chocking sound from Andrew's corner. She raised the flashlight slowly and dangerously over her head. We were about to witness the death of Cupcake.

"Yes!" Said Stewart pulling some objects from the bag. He straitened and turned back to face us. "These should wor... Oh, bollocks." He swore as Miss Pringle swung her arm down to brain Zelig.

Without blinking, he ducked under the blow then reached out with his hand and pulled Miss Pringle's arm further forward. Overbalanced she fell stomach down into his lap. "Oof! I told you no time to play right now honey. I'm busy. Now, if your not going to help," He said tugging the flashlight from her hand. "Your going to have to scoot!" He raised up his hand and swatted her hard on the butt then slid her off his lap depositing her onto the floor.

"Oh, oh dear." Whispered Dr. Levin. Miss Pringle?" He started towards her as if to help her up but was brought up short by her murderous glare.

"You horrible, demented, twisted little dwarf of a man! How dare you?" She screamed as she Scrambled onto her hands & knees."

Zelig looked at her, a mildly annoyed expression on his face. "If you didn't want to help you could of just said so."

She just looked at him stunned for a moment then gritted out between her teeth. "There is something very, very wrong with you."

Zelig just shrugged and turned back to his work prodding at something with his knife.

Miss Pringle rose to her feet with as much dignity as she could muster. "If you ever touch me again, I promise to un-man you with that knife."

Zelig looked up at her with renewed interest. "Really?"

"Yes."

Zelig rose up in one fluid movement grinning at her. "Promise?" He said balancing his knife on one finger and holding it out towards her.

She looked down at the knife, her lips compressed into a hard line. Her fingers twitched. For a moment I thought she might actually go for it. Then she looked back up at him. "Get out." she said grimly.

He twirled his blade back into his palm and looked at her askance. "Your just a bit too weird for me baby."

"Get out!"

He shrugged and turned to Stewart. "Maybe we should introduce her to Griffin, he likes them high strung repressed ones."

"Zelig!" I gasped.

"What? Well he does."

"Get out!!" Screamed Miss Pringle, her fisted hands banging on her thighs. "You delusional, talentless, disgusting hack!"

"Talentless?" Sputtered Zelig glaring at her with blood in his eye. "You little.."

"Steady Zelig." Said Stewart.

Zelig glared at Miss Pringle a moment longer then his expression went blank. "It's the mustard coloured Mini right?"

"Whoa! That's our cue I believe." Said Stewart, grabbing Zelig by the collar and tugging him towards the door.

"What? I was just asking." Protested Zelig.

"Yeah, right." Said Stewart. "Why don't we schedule a meeting for later?" He said to Dr Levin.

"I'll send you an estimate." Chimed in Zelig as he was dragged through the doorway. " Won't even let me chat up a bird." He muttered.

"Stuff it." Came Stewart's voice from the hall. "I can't take you anywhere."

"Your just jealous cause the girls all want me." Said Zelig as the elevator door chimed in the background.

"One more word from you and I'm telling the Sarge and he'll take away your blasting caps again."

"Aww, see, now that's just mean."

"Look Berti, I'm going to tell you one more time. It's like the Captain says; 'there are ladies and then there are'..." Said Stewart as the elevator doors closed cutting off the rest of his sentence.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXXVII

2010-06-11T17:01:00.044-04:00

As soon as Walter left the room we all turned to Anders. "Is he going to be OK?" I asked Marks.

"I'm fine." Said Anders shrugging off Marks' assistance and struggling to his feet. "Fine."

"Oh thank goodness." I said then the last of the adrenalin which had been holding me upright for the past, had it only been five minutes?, ran out and my knees began to wobble. If Burnadett hadn't locked his arm tight about my shoulders, I probably would have gone down like a ton of bricks.

"Wup! Steady there now. A little help here Victoria?"

Seras was on me like a shot wrapping her arms about my waist and pulling me against her tiny frame. So strong, I thought.

"Sorry I'm a bit..." I looked down at my hands, they were shaking uncontrollably. I clasped them tightly in front of me and squeezed my eyes shut. "Oh God." I whispered.

"Corrine?" Came Burnadett's voice laced with concern.

"I'm so sorry." I said. I took a sobbing breath. "How you must hate me."

I felt warm, rough hands cover mine. "Chanson, look at me."

I shook my head unable to look any of them in the eye, unwilling to see their revulsion. How could they not hate me for what had just happened?

"Corrine Doyle, you will open your eyes and face me." He commanded.

I sighed and looked up at him trying to be brave.

"And why exactly is it that we 'must' hate you?"

"Because of what happened tonight."

"Which part of tonight? The part where you gave us the lovely party or the part where you faced down a vampire to protect our sorry hides hmm?"

"But."

"And this reminds me." He said turning to Anders. "When I say stow it, you stow it! Any fool could see he was just spoiling for an excuse and you handed it right to him, mouthing off to Sir Integra like that. What the hell possessed you?"

I had a pretty good idea. "No, but this is all my fault, I dragged you into this, I'm the one who almost got you all killed."

The captain snorted. "Dragged me into it she says, as if anyone could drag me anywhere I did not want to go. Besides, I doubt it would have come to that. Alucard is dangerous but he is also bound by some very tight restrictions. He would not have done Anders any permanent harm."

"Then why the guns?"

"Because, even if he is an idiot, Anders is one of my men and nobody, but nobody, dicks with one of my men."

"But still."

"But nothing Corrine." Barked Marks. "For all that he plays the popinjay for you ladies the Capitan is not a total fool. He knows when to push and he knows when to back down. Besides, that butler would have stepped in sooner had he thought danger was imminent."

"I suppose.."

"Corporal Marks' gushing praise aside, he is right. Although I must admit I had my misgivings when Mr. Walter spoke up, he rarely intervenes."

Marks nodded his agreement ignoring his sudden demotion. "I was watching him Corrine and he was watching you and, for the most part, he seemed more curious than concerned. I think he wanted to see what you would do."

I nibbled my lower lip thinking about the brief glimpse I had had of Alucard's true nature and the look in Walter's eyes when he thought about joining the vampire's game. They did not understand. I myself, was only just beginning to understand about the game.

"So you see Chanson, a tempest in a pot, nothing more."

Still brooding on Alucard's game, I shook my head and muttered something about teapots and Arch Duke Ferdinand.

"Acht drollig!" Marks said turning to Burnadett. "She seems quite determined that we hate her."

"Tsk. Seems foolish to antagonize the men with the guns but if she insists... There are of course so many lovely spots to hide the corpse down here."

"What?" I asked, as their words sank in to my brain fog.

"Wait." Shouted Zelig. "Don't you make a mess in my grotto!"

"Bah!" Said Marks.

"It's just so hard to get bloodstains out of marble." Said Zelig. "Remember Somalia?"

"Excellent point private." Said Burnadett. "Fetch me more towels."

I narrowed my eyes and harrumphed at them then poked at Seras who was snickering into the back of my neck. "Not funny." I hissed.

"It's a little funny." She giggled.

"Gee, I'm going to miss you Corrine." said Sherman who was helping Zelig with the towels.

Anders snorted with disgust as he pulled me from Seras' grip (not too hard a task as she was only holding me with one hand because the other was covering her mouth to smother her laughter) and dragged me over to a bench to examine my leg.

"That's the spirit Anders." said Burnadett as the medic placed a towel under my feet and began to pull gauze and a suture kit from his bag. "But aren't the bandages rather pointless, all things considered." Anders simply gave them the long suffering look of a seminary student trapped in a frat house and started cleaning my wounds.

Marks leaned over my shoulder and whispered in my ear. "Would you like a blindfold leibst?"

"No fraternizing with the enemy!" Said Burnadett.

"Oh yes, I forget, that's your job isn't it?" Said Marks wryly.

"What! Never!"

"Budapest."

"OK, OK, one time. But she was very pretty." He smiled wistfully and sighed then shook his head. "Speaking of which, where were we?"

"Blindfold." Said Marks.

"Right!" Said Burnadett rummaging through his pockets. "Ah," He said pulling out two long silk scarves. "Would you prefer the red or the black Chanson?"

"I don't even want to know why you have those in your pocket." Said Seras.

"They go with the handcuffs." He said grinning wickedly at her.

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"And the feather duster."

"Feath..? No, I don't want to know."

"I will show you shall I Petit?"

"No."

"Are you sure? I think the black one would suit you nicely."

"No!"

He shrugged. "Another time perhaps." He tuned to me "Chanson? You will look lovely in either."

I smiled up at him winsomely, warming to the game. "That depends," I said "Are you shooting me or propositioning me?"

Burnadett grinned delighted.

"Ha! That's our girl." Said Marks.

"Wait!" Shouted Stewart. "If we shoot her, who is going to make the brownies?"

"Hadn't thought of that." Said Sherman.

"But, we was promised brownies." Grumped Griffin.

"And cookies!" Chimed Zelig.

"This is true." Said the captain. "I don't suppose Victoria here could..?"

"Fat chance."

"This is a quandary."

"Perhaps if we didn't shoot her but locked her up in the barracks." Suggested Stewart.

"And chained her to the stove." Said Griffin.

"So she can bake me brownies!" Added Zelig.

"You mean us." Corrected Stewart.

"We'll see." Said Zelig. "But what should we do with her when we are sleeping? She may try to escape."

"I volunteer my room!" Said Marks.

"Now wait a minute." I said.

"Me too." Said Stewart.

"Now who's fraternizing with the enemy?" Said Burnadett.

"But she is so very pretty." Said Marks.

"You know," Said Griffin. "I've seen movies that start like this...Now, about those chains"

"Arrghh!"

"You wish to add to the conversation Chanson?"

"Is death still an option?"

"Sorry, no."

"Drat."

"There is, however, one final option we have yet to explore."

"That being?"

"You could stop feeling sorry for yourself and let the men with the guns not hate you any more."

I winced at the truth of his statement. "I was wallowing a bit there wasn't I?"

"Oui, a bit."

"Then why play along?"

Instead of answering me he turned to Anders. "Almost done there carabin?"

Anders nodded as he tied off a suture. "They look worse than they are but they're pretty deep."

"Ah," I said. "Distraction."

He shrugged lighting up yet another one of his ever present Turkish cigarettes. "Couldn't have you fretting all girly like while Anders was patching you up."

"Girly like?"

"Yes, you know, all womanish and weepy."

"Why you chauvinistic little...You come over here and I'll show you weepy!"

"Finished." said Anders. taping up my bandage.

Startled, I looked down at Anders then back up to the Captain. Who was gazing at me with remarkable innocence.

I shook my head smiling. Normally I hate being 'managed' but you had to admire his style.

I looked back down at Anders who was packing up his bag. "Thank you." I said. He grunted and continued packing. I bent down lower so I could whisper in his ear. "I know what it's like to feel helpless against the carnage. To feel powerless and afraid but you didn't give up. You jumped in that pool and saved me because that's what you do. You fight to save lives." His hand stilled over his bag but he said nothing. "Please don't give up. They need you. They.." But I wasn't sure what else to say.

"The cuts are clean but You should have Dr. Levin check them in the morning." He said still not looking up at me. "I wouldn't worry about scars." He slid his suture kit into his bag then placed a small plastic cylinder on my knee. I Picked it up and read the label. 'Wound Be Gone. Liquid antiseptic bandage.' "For bigger cuts." He said.

"Ah." I said blushing. "Clever." I held out the tube to him. "Truce?"

"Truce." He said accepting my offering. He finally looked up at me with the same sweet/sad look in his eyes I first saw that night in the theatre. As if liking me against his will. He stood up, put the tube in the bag, sealed the clasp then walked away without another word.

I understood perfectly.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXXVI

2010-05-13T15:04:00.004-04:00

"Playing our Ace are we?"

"Walter?" Alucard turned to him, looking mildly surprised but immensely pleased. "You wish to join us? You wish to join the game?"

"If I must." He said. "Release Mr. Anders and we'll discuss it shall we?"

"Oh Walter." Alucard breathed. "It's been so long since we had a real game you and I." His grin broadened. "Are you sure you're up for it old man?"

Walter's eyes flashed but his face remained totally impassive as if they were merely discussing the weather. "We shall see. Mr. Anders, Alucard?"

"Oh yes, him." Said Alucard dismissively waiving his hand as if shooing a gnat. Anders collapsed the rest of the way to the ground whimpering quietly. He still looked frightened but he no longer seemed to be in pain. "Shall we?"

Walter nodded and gestured towards the entrance to the cave. His face was an emotionless mask but his eyes glinted with some strange unreadable emotion.

"Oh Angel, you have made me so happy."

"Nooo! Nem. Nem neki! wailed the voice in my head.

Oh my God, what have I done?

How many long years had Walter suffered under Alucard's thrall? Playing his games sacrificing his humanity before finally breaking away only to have me drag him back into it? I knew that look now. It was the look a recovering junkie gives the needle heading towards his arm. A combination of need and revulsion, desire and disgust. It was the look Seras got when she broke down and drank blood. The same look I am sure I had when Alucard whispered to me how delicious he found my fear.

What have I done?

Az én katona. Nem én farkas. Nem újra! Screamed the voice. You will stop this. You will stop this now!

"What stakes shall we play for Walter? My Angel? The Police Girl? I am not certain I wish to give them up. You will have to make it worth my while." He said heading for the exit.

Now!

Damn straight now.

"No." I said, climbing to my feet. It wasn't loud but it was there.

Alucard glanced at me then dismissively turned his back to walk away.

"I SAID NO!" This time the command rocked and pulsed through the cave. Walter, Seras and the men looked startled. Alucard looked annoyed.

"You dare?"

"I dare. No more Alucard. No more strangling me until I almost pass out. No more drowning me, no more rats, no more setting me on fire and most of all, no more threatening those around me. Period."

"Or else what? We've been through this Angel."

You have to mean it. And I did. Every last word.

"Or else I will break my promise to you and to God." He looked as if to say something derisive but I raised my hand and continued. "I will leave. I will walk out this door and take the next flight back to the U.S. and I will never look back. And if you try to find me, I will sense you coming. I will sit in the bathtub and open my wrists and give my life's blood to the bay. I swear on all that is holy, the hellbender and the horseshoe crab will feast upon your 'gifts' to me before I ever allow you to use those I love against me again!"

Alucard pulsed and stretched, tendrils of him rolling like mist over the water towards me wrapping me in a black fog. A score of small, red eyes opened to look at me in the mist and a mouth full of sharp, dangerous teeth spoke. "What makes you think I will let you leave this house alive? Why shouldn't I just kill you or make you into a ghoul?"

I crossed my arms and shrugged. "Then kill me, turn me. Either way, the game is over."

The fog tightened around me growing denser. "Last chance Angel." Said the sharp mouth moving closer.

"I know."

The sharp mouth chuckled as Alucard coalesced in front of me. He brushed the hair from my face then circled his hands loosely about my neck. "No more strangling?" He asked playfully tugging me toward him.

"No."

"But I do so enjoy it."

"No."

He sighed wistfully. "Agreed." He placed his forehead on mine. "But I still get to break your arm then."

"No! No arm breaking!"

"That wasn't part of the deal. You said; strangling, drowning, rats, burning, and that love nonsense. You never mentioned personal injury."

"I'm mentioning it now."

"You can't change the agreement once it's made."

"You do it all the time."

"True. Then I get rats back. It's only fair."

I narrowed my eyes at him.

"We could always go back to my killing you."

"Fine." I said disgustedly. I know to quit while I'm ahead.

He laughed and whirled me around to face the cave entrance.

"You see Walter? You see why I adore her so?" Anyone else I would have just killed or called their bluff but she meant it Walter. She meant it! Not a glorious death in battle but her soul lost to damnation all to protect them. To protect you.

She's ready now Walter. You can train her up. Put her in the field."

"To do what exactly?"

"Oh, you'll see." Said Alucard grinning. "You can put her with that one for now." He said waiving in Anders' general direction. "I don't want to risk her on the front lines. Besides, it will serve him right for wanting to shoot her."

He spun me around to face him again. "Ah Angel," He said. "We'll show Walter and the master such amazing things. Things you do not even know yet that you can do. You will call them Angel. You will call them to you and you will free them and you will not be afraid."

I frowned, puzzled. This was the second time he had mentioned my calling "them" but I still had absolutely no idea who "them" was and what I was to do with them once they were there. "I don't.."

"Shhh. Later Angel. It can wait" He said pressing his finger to my lips. "For now your off to bed.

A girl your age should know better than to be cavorting around at all hours drinking and dancing with men of low caliber. Your setting a bad example for the Police girl. She was quite well behaved until you came along you know. Really Walter, you should be keeping a better eye on them."

He Released me after one final bone jarring shake and a playful bruising squeeze (Alucard's notion of play is often that of a terrier's with a rat) and turned to Walter. "Come Walter, let's have a real discussion." He said striding over the bridge towards the exit. "I have such plans. The master, I think, will be pleased." He strode out the exit never looking back but he took one last departing shot at me. "I know your secrets Angel. I know your heart. You have no power that I don't allow you. Push me too far one day and I will destroy you. Useful or not."

Walter paused before exiting, eying me, weighing me again, reassessing. He looked up to Capt. Burnadett who had come up behind me with my robe and was helping me into it.

"You will of course wish to discuss this Captain. If you will allow me to see to Alucard first?"

"Oui." Said Burnadett.

"Would you please be so kind as to see Ms. Doyle and Miss Victoria safely back to their rooms?"

"Of course." Said Burnadett, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. Some unspoken message seemed to pass between them.

Walter nodded. "Thank you." He said. He bowed slightly to the room then left to "see" to Alucard.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXXV

2010-05-04T15:33:00.028-04:00

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Demanded Zelig.

"Oh." Said Seras. "Oooh, I get it."

"Get what Victoria?" Asked Stewart.

"See, I didn't notice it at first cause I can always hear Corrine when she's singing so it didn't even occur to me."

"What?"

"That you shouldn't"

"What? Shouldn't what? Spit it out girl!"

"That you shouldn't be have been able to hear her from the outer caverns. I mean I could hear her of course because I'm, well, you know but you guys..."

"...should not have been able to hear her through solid rock." Finished Stewart for her.

"Exactly. I noticed a slight shifting in the direction of the sound right about the time you guys started joking about being serenaded. I just thought it was the cave's acoustics but it was.."

"The intercoms!" Said Stewart slapping his forehead. "I see."

"But without the antenna how...?" Asked Zelig.

"Don't you get it? She doesn't need the antenna. She's tapping directly into the system somehow. She is the antenna. Well, transmitter actually."

"Like a wireless amp? Huh, strange." Said Zelig sounding more curious than concerned. "How are your doing that Corrine?"

I didn't answer. I was too busy glaring at Alucard.

"No, you still don't understand! It's not the volume it's her singing." Said Anders. "He's done something to her so it gets into your head and glick..." Anders eyes widened. He seemed to be choking on his words.

"You bore me little man." Said Alucard. "And you insult the master. I find these both unacceptable."

"Stop it." I said.

He ignored me.

"Get out of my mind." Anders whispered.

"Your worthless existence means nothing to me. Your sad little secrets even less, almost amusing in how pathetic they are. Barely worth my time. Still, Angel, you played your piece..."

Anders began shaking violently. I grabbed his arm shoving him behind me placing myself physically between him and Alucard.

"Leave him alone!"

"Temper temper Angel."

"I mean it."

"Oh, you always mean it Angel. But it's not sincerity I want from you, it's capitulation."

"No!"

"Very well." He shrugged.

Anders gasped as if in pain. "Get out of my mind!" He shouted collapsing to his knees and clutching his head.

A strange thought flashed through my mind 'you can stop him but you have to mean it.' I shook my head confused. I threw my arms about Anders' shoulders and tried to shield him as best I could but he just shoved me away moaning "Get out. Get out." over and over.

"Let him go! Let him go or else...!" 'You have to mean it'.

"Or else what Angel?" He asked sarcastically.

I paused. Or else, what? What leverage did i have? None. What bribe could I offer beside submission?

To submit to Alucard was to submit my soul. To hand him my core, the very essence of what made me still human over to his will. To be his creature totally and no longer be Corrine.

No. Submission was not an option.

'Not offer, threaten'

I don't understand.

'Only because you don't want to. Only because you're too afraid.'

I frowned, thinking hard.

Alucard shook his head and tisked.

I opened my mouth hoping for something to say but it was Burnadett who spoke interrupting our deadlock.

"Release him." He said calmly.

"Another piece on the board Angel?" Alucard looked at him incredulously. "Le Gaul parle ?"

"Yes, he speaks." Said Burnadett sauntering to the edge of the pool. "You will release my man."

"Will I?"

"Yes."

"This one looks to be more fun. Shall I play with him a bit longer?" Sent Alucard winking at me. "And if I refuse?"

"Then there is trouble. A great deal of it."

"From you, toy soldier?"

Burnadett nodded smiling thinly.

"From us." Said Marks. He was crouching over Anders protectively but looking directly at Alucard.

"All of us." Said Zelig as he and the others fanned out along the pool.

"You will forgive me if I find your threat to be an empty one."

"I think you will find us not such soft prey as you are used to."

"You know you can not win hired man?"

"Probably not. But we can mess you up real bad."

"This could be fun." Mused Alucard. "I might even let you go back for your guns."

"Oh, we have our guns." It was just then that I noticed all the geese were armed. "As you say, we are hired men. It is our job to be ready."

Alucard laughed delighted. "Ah mercenary, you do entertain."

"Stop it Alucard!"

"What was that Angel? Was that capitulation I heard?"

"Why are you dragging them into this?"

"You dragged them into this Angel, the moment you took off that robe. You thought to shame the Master? You shame yourself! You placed the pieces on the board, I merely play them"

"This is not a game!"

"It's always a game and everyone is a pawn. Best you remember that Angel."

He looked at me intently. "You can stop this you know. End the game with just one word."

"That word being?"

"Master."

"Never."

"Come now Angel, you're already on your knees. You don't even have to mean it. I just want you to say it front of the Police girl and Walter and all of your new friends."

I shook my head. If I said it he would make damn sure I meant it.

"Just one little word Angel and it will all be over."

But it won't be over, I thought. It will never be over. He will just use your love against you again and again until there is nothing left. And who will he threaten next time? Seras? Your son?

You can stop this, stop him but you have to mean it. You have to be prepared to ... I closed my eyes unwilling to finish that thought. Unsure if I was willing to make that sacrifice. Because I would have to mean it. He would know if I was bluffing.

"Don't you want to save them?"

"Son of a bitch." Said Sherman.

"Bastard." Whispered Marks.

"Steady." Said Burnadett. "You use us against Chanson vampire? This is not, nice."

Alucard snorted.

"Enough of your games. You release my man now."

"Or?"

"Or we do our job and kill a vampire. Your choice."

"Oh yes?" Alucard said literally pulsing with pleasure. I am not sure if the others saw it, but for a moment I caught the barest glimpse of his true nature. Seething, boiling blackness, barley contained by Hellsing's restrictions and not even remotely human. "Well in that case.."

"Alucard," Came Walter's voice cutting calmly through the tension. "Perhaps you and I could continue this conversation in the hall." I was so busy fighting with Alucard, I had forgotten Walter was still there.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXXIV

2010-02-22T17:39:00.003-05:00

“Illusion,” I rasped “not real.”

“The hell it was!”

“Not real.” I said, as much to convince myself as him.

“No? Just look at the state of you girl,” he said gesturing towards the deep lacerations on my leg “illusions don’t do that!”

“It’s not that bad.” I said cringing at such an outright lie.

“What? Are you kidding me? It’s down to the bone. You’ve cut her down to the bone you bastard!”

“Please,” I begged Anders, “I’m OK, really.”

“Stand Down Anders” Said Burnadett.

“But look at her Capitan. We’re supposed to be killing these monsters not giving them people to play with!”

I heard several muttered sounds of assent from the men as they took in my injuries. The room was turning hostile.

“Please.” I whispered “Please don’t.”

“What the hell kind of operation is this?” He shouted at Sir Integra. What’s wrong with you?”

“You over step yourself Mr. Anders.” Said Walter.

He turned to Walter and asked sadly. “Why are you letting him do this to her?”

“Interesting piece to place on the board Angel. Albeit a stupid and weak one.”

“Leave him alone.”

“Enough!” Said Sir Integra firmly. “Mr. Anders, this is my house and my charter. If you do not care for the way I run this operation, there is the door. None will stop you from leaving. Otherwise, you will never question my authority or dedication to this cause again or I will show first hand what pain and cruelty truly are.”

She turned to Alucard. “Don’t think for a moment I don’t know that you are sticking your oar in here. You had better show some results soon or I will be taking your little toy away from you.”

“Walter.”

“Ma’am?”

“Sort this and report to me in the morning.”

Walter nodded.

She turned on her heel and began to stride away. She had just made it to the entrance when Alucard’s voice carried across the cave.

“Ask yourself this. How is it that you heard her singing well before the antenna was hooked up?”

She spared Alucard one brief glance, her face completely devoid of emotion, then nodded to Walter. “Sort this.” She said and was gone.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXXIII

2010-01-29T17:25:00.010-05:00

“I’m sick of these illusions.”

“Are you sure it’s an illusion Angel?” He asked as a dark blob detached itself from the blackness and began slouching towards me.

“What else could it be?” I asked a bit frightened. Something was not right. It was moving closer now, small, dark and vaguely human shaped, humping towards me on uneven limbs.

“Your punishment Angel. Punishment for you insolence penance for your failure”

It was much closer now I could begin to make out some detail. It was human or had been at some point I was pretty sure. The body was badly damaged and portions of its limbs seemed to be missing. Its head hung down between its shoulders bobbling loosely as if its neck were broken. It dragged itself towards me, using its forearms to pull its ragged, useless legs along the gravely bottom of the pool. A strange trail of ichor floating behind the body marked its passing.

“Reach out to it Angel. Reach out with your mind, tell me what you feel, what you ‘see’.”

I shook my head not wanting to obey but unable to look away, drawn to it as much as it seemed to be drawn to me. Something was tugging at my mind, calling to me, crying piteously for my attention.

It halted a few feet in front of me. It was small, no larger than a child. Its skin was pale, bloated and bruised. It appeared that something or some things had been nibbling away at the areas exposed by its tattered clothing stripping away flesh exposing bone and muscle. I felt my bile rising as I stared at the small, wormlike remnants of fat still clinging to its flesh waiving gently in the current.

“Don’t you recognize him Angel?”

I bit my lip concentrating. Something nagged at my subconscious like a shiver running up my spine but my mind kept batting it away before I could grasp it. “I…don’t…” The head caught the currant, floating up so that I could now see what was left of its face. Waves of horror crashed though me I gasped out most of my air. “No, it’s not possible.”

“Of course it is.”

“It’s not real!”

“Isn’t it?”

“No! She would never let you.”

“Wouldn’t she? He’s just a little souvenir.”

“It’s a lie! It’s not real! Not real!” I began to panic kicking away at the hand on my ankle, my foot connecting with the soft flesh, digging into the skin tearing it away from the bone. “What did you do? What have you done?” I sobbed losing what precious little air I had left. Flesh and blood began to mix with the ichor clouding up the water but I could still see it through the gory chum. Still see those sad eyes begging me for help. Still see the single hand it had left loosely waving in the current back and forth in a cruel parody of that day in the theater. I squeezed my eyes shut but I could still see him.

Somewhere, far away I could hear Seras screaming my name begging Alucard to stop. My head was spinning I was close to blacking out.

“Turning our back again Angel? Still not going to save him?”

My eyes snapped open black fury replacing all fear. I let loose a torrent of rage at him hurling my anger and frustration back into his face. He laughed at me. Laughed! A stream of profanity spewed from my mind. Words I didn’t even know I knew. Words that were not even in English and that woman from the first night was there again in my head shrieking along beside me.

“There you are.” Sent Alucard thoughtfully. “I was wondering when you would show up. Perhaps we should...”

Something hard slammed into me. Rough cloth grated against my back as strong arms wrapped themselves about my waist tearing me away from those fingers, away from that thing and propelling me to the surface.

As we broke through, I was slammed by light and sound. Seras was still calling my name but I couldn’t see her or answer. I was shoved up against the side of the pool and I felt hands under my arm pits lifting me up out of the water. Seras was clinging to me sobbing my name over and over. I tried to tell her that I was OK but I couldn’t seem to breathe. Something landed beside me with a wet slap. I heard a muffled curse as I was torn from Seras’ grasp and thrown over a wet knee. Strong hands slammed down on my back driving that knee painfully into my diaphragm. Water spewed out of my lungs and, for the first time in far too long, air, sweet blessed air, was sucked in.

Another thump, a bit less rough this time, and more water spewed out. I took a deep shuttering breath to say thank you and promptly threw up more water. This process was repeated two or three more times before I could finally breathe without a corresponding purge. I was still coughing and sputtering though so I simply nodded my head to indicate that I required no further thumping the knee collapsed and my rescuer and I landed in a tangled heap on the ground.

I closed my eyes for a moment until the dizziness passed then turned to see whose lap I was sitting on and ended staring into the terrified eyes of Anders. “What...” he whispered softly, “What the hell was that?”

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXXII

2010-01-27T17:08:00.002-05:00

The pool was deeper and further across than I remembered. As I began to swim, my now unbound hair started to tangle itself under my arms. So much for the graceful exit I thought to myself as I reached over with my left hand to pull my hair out of my armpit. The errant strands obligingly responded by wrapping themselves about my wrist. It seemed to be getting longer. I angrily tugged my wrist free only to have my hair whip around and begin wrapping itself around my torso pinning my other arm to my side.

“Angel”

I growled with frustration trying to swim with one hand.

“I’m not finished with you yet.”

I’m finished with you. I thought kicking my legs and trying to ignore the hair wrapping around my waist.

“Are you listening to me?”

“No.” I thought back at him as I tried to pull away the hair which was now clamping down my thighs.

“You stupid girl, you think you’re being clever? You think you can just walk away?”

My hair was now down to my knees its weight began dragging me down.

“Do you know what happens to little fishes who turn their backs on the shark?”

I stopped struggling and allowed myself to sink hoping to push off the bottom and propel myself to the surface.

“This time Angel, I won’t just break your arm.”

My feet hit the gravelly bottom; I bent my knees to push off.

“This time, I’m going to break you.”

I pushed off shooting towards the surface only to be brought up short with a painful jerk.

“Got you little fish.”

I looked down to see what was holding me. A pale arm was thrusting out from the gravel its thin, bony fingers were wrapped about my ankle anchoring me to the bottom of the pool. I tried to pull my leg out but it only tightened its grip squeezing painfully. This was not good.

“Let go of me you sick bastard!”

His chuckle rolled over my mind like fly filled honey. “When you ask so sweetly what can I say but no. I have you where I want you Angel, why should I let go?”

“Let go!”

The hand squeezed still harder its purple black nails digging into my flesh.

“Never Angel, I will never let you go. Not until I am bored of you or you are dead. But I might let you out of the water. Just admit that you are nothing, that I am your master. Submit to my will and live”

“No!”

“As I see it you have three choices; Submit, die, or grow a pair of gills. Don’t you just love choices?”

“I am not a ghoul! You are not my master!” I sent kicking furiously at the arm.

“That just leaves you with two choices.”

I was rapidly running out of air so I forced my self to calm down and think.

“How are those gills coming Angelfish?”

“It’s not funny you know.”

“It’s hysterical from where I’m standing. Come on, you can do it Angel just split those oxygen molecules away from the hydrogen. “

Son of a…

“You know Angel, not everything down here is dead.”

I froze, pulse pounding in my ears. The lights seemed to have gone out along the back wall. I squinted into the darkness straining to see. A shiver ran down my spine as I felt, rather than saw something moving toward me from the far end of the pool.

And now back to our regular programming

2010-01-27T17:07:00.001-05:00

And now back to our regular programming.

A RANT

2010-01-07T17:30:00.003-05:00

And now, a brief time out from our regularly scheduled programming for a wild and unfounded accusation.

WHO DID IT?????!!!!!!!!

I KNOW IT WAS YOU!

A large portion of Corrine's diary has gone missing and a certain, so called, former Associate Professor Evil (like that was ever a real title). has recently been spotted skulking about the D.C. metro area, plotting with varied Sith lords and mooching food at asundry holiday parties.

I even heard he was filching goodies from his dear auntie's (the really cool aunt no less who buys him great gifts like socks and educational reading materials! [so I've heard, ahem]) Christmas stocking.

So now the next several entries have gone missing (along with my glasses, you little so and so) and we were just getting to some good bits with bloated dead bodies and blood and stuff! But no, someone went and took them didn't they? And now my several million concerned readers will not know what happens next and they will all cry! Plus, my notes were in there and I tell you what, that Corrine's handwriting is harder to read than Sanskrit and I CAN'T READ SANSKRIT! I swear it's like trying to translate clay cuneiform tablets.

I don't know what these things go for on the black market but could it really be worth the oceans of misery you have generate?

Huh?
Is it? Huh?

I just hope you are pleased with yourself.

And this had better not be some stupid attempt to join the ELE because I've seen several of the application videos and they all had far more evil plots than this and were set to music even. So there.

Unless....

Unless of course you were paid by the Hellsing organization to steal them in which case oh how tediously common criminal of you.

Well, either way, I know who your mother is and after she finishes laughing she will punish you severely. Take away you evil pop-tarts or something. And just see if you ever get anymore socks from me!

That is umm.... that is what I would say if I were your aunt (the real cool one)...if I were her, which of course, I , ahem , am not. Never met the woman...but I hear she is real cool so stop stealing her candy!

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXXI

2009-11-20T16:55:00.007-05:00

We all turned to see Sir Integra stalking angrily towards us across the bridge. Walter stood at the control panel by the cave’s entrance his hand firmly on the power switch of Stewart’s poor abused stereo. He gave it a final disparaging glance before striding over to stand behind Sir Integra who had halted at the foot of the bridge to glare at us.

“Captain Burnadett,” she said coolly, “would you care to explain the meaning of this little gathering of yours?”

“Of course M’dame.” Said Burnadett slipping on his best alter boy expression and turning up the Gallic charm. “We were assisting Private. Zelig with his final technical run through before tomorrow night’s presentation.”

“Technical run through was it?”

“Oui M’dame.”

“Just testing the equipment.”

“Exactement.”

“I see.” She said, selecting a cigar from the case which had magically appeared in Walter’s hand. “This…music,” She paused, igniting her cigar with practiced ease from the lighter Walter now offered her, “and charming little dance demonstration,” she said waiving disparagingly in my direction, “are they also part of tomorrow nights presentation?”

“No. M’dame. We have finished with the testing. This is just a little informal gathering.”

“How cozy.” She said. I felt the weight of Walter’s stare and stepped back a bit from Sgt. Marks trying to casually hide the flask behind my back. Walter raised one eyebrow slightly, who was I trying to fool?

“And this testing of the equipment Captain, I assume it was successful?”

“Oui M’dame.” Burnadett replied suspiciously.

“No technical flaws?”

“As far as we are aware, no.”

“I am afraid Captain, that Walter and I have stumbled across a slight technical glitch in the system which we feel needs to be brought to your attention.?”

A puzzled frown crossed his face. “M’dame?”

“Yes, it seems this new antenna you have installed has somehow gotten hardwired into the main communication lines and is currently bleeding its signal into the intercom system.”

“…”

“And the telephone system.”

“…”

“Throughout the entire house as well as the barracks.”

“No.” said Zelig beginning to turn purple. “No, it’s not possible!”

“Any yet, I assure you it is happening.”

“But,” Said Stewart, “How?”

“You tell me.”

A soft chuckle at the edge of my hearing. A mild throbbing pain between my eyes. Alucard was approaching.

Stewart frowned, thinking. “The lines must be crossed somewhere but I assure you ma’am that the antenna was placed with the utmost care. I can’t understand how the radio signal could be bleeding into intercom, much less the phone lines.”

“No. It was not a bleed over from the radio we were receiving.” Said Walter firmly. “It was a direct feed from this room.”

I blanched as the ramifications of Walter’s statement sunk in. That would mean… “Um f-for how long?” I squeaked.

“Fifty two minutes.” He said. “As nearly every room on the estate was effected, it took us some little time to find you.”

“Oh dear.” I whispered.

“Oh dear is correct Ms. Doyle!” Snapped Sir Integra. “For the last hour you have been serenading not only Walter and myself but the entire staff! We are trying to close out the quarterly budget and are forced to endure your caterwauling about draft dodging cross dressers and large reptiles consuming major Japanese ports!”

“Really Angel, it’s enough to wake the dead.” Quipped Alucard emerging from the shadows.

Sir Integra spared him an annoyed glance. He grinned and tipped his hat to her. She turned away with a derisive snort. He winked at me then settled back against a stone pillar. A sneaking suspicion began tugging at the back of my brain.

“Ms. Doyle!” Barked Sir Integra snapping back my attention.

“Yes? what? Sorry.”

“Sorry?”

“Yes, that is to say I hope my singing wasn’t too disruptive to the staff.” Alucard looked far to pleased for my liking.

“It most certainly was.”

“Well, they enjoyed the Pat Benatar but felt that you’re Janis Joplin was a bit overreaching” Sent Alucard.

“Hey! I nailed that!” I accidentally shouted back to him out loud. Oops.

“Ms. Doyle, are you drunk?” Asked Sir Integra.

“What? No, of course not!” I said fervently wishing for a better place to hide Sgt. Marks’ flask than behind my back. My head began buzzing.

I glared at Alucard who was leaning up against the pillar smiling serenely up at the roof of the cave.

“You set me up.”

He shrugged.

“You...”

“Sir Integra please, I assure you.” Began Burnadett.

“No Captain, this will not do. I know you allow discipline to be quite lax within your squad and I have turned a blind eye to certain, incidents off of the estate but this is my house! My home and I will not have it turned into a discotheque!

And you, Ms. Doyle!” She said turning back to me. “This is not the first time that you have caused a disruption. I know you may feel you are on vacation but this is a working estate with a serious mission not, may I remind you, a resort hotel. You will cease interfering with my staff!”

Unfortunately, hard liquor makes me both stupid and brave.

“Vacation?” I gasped “You think I think I am on vacation?!” I had to fight to contain the hysterical laughter that was bubbling up inside me. “Let me assure you ‘Sir’ Integra, I suffer no illusion that I am on vacation. As to this not being a resort hotel? That is a fact of which I am painfully aware and fortunate too as other wise I would have to register a serious complaint about the masseuse!”

I calmly handed Sgt. Marks back his flask then, never breaking eye contact with Sir Integra, untied my robe and shrugged it to the floor. “Now, if you will excuse me.” With a final glare at her, Walter and especially Alucard, I turned on my heel and casually strolled over to the pool ignoring the muttered curses and gasps of the others as I passed and dove in.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXX

2009-10-26T17:30:00.011-04:00

I Dragged Seras off of her rock perch, brownie and all, and installed us both on one of the benches by the pool so I could fix my hair. Seras obligingly began digging through the bag and pulling out supplies. She took the brush from my hand and began gently running it through my hair.

“I like your hair,” she said, “it’s so much softer than mine and such a pretty color.”

“It’s brown.” I said.

“No, it’s lovely.”

“You know you’re the 4^th person today to complement my hair or try and yank it out of my head. It must be the new conditioner.”

“Or the paste Andrew smeared all over it.” Seras giggled.

A strange electronic hum cut through the night music followed by brief static then an odd, discordant chorus of sounds like someone rapidly changing stations on a car stereo. There was another hum and a pop then a small cheer arose as the thumping strains of rock music (Meatloaf actually) began to roll through the cave.

“Sounds like Stewart and Zelig got the receiver hooked up to the antenna.” Said Seras.

“Outstanding!” I said moving in time to the music.

“Hold still!” She commanded. I closed my eyes and submitted humbly to her ministrations humming along with the song.

The pool and the wine had relaxed me quite a bit. The music and Sera’s rhythmic brushing of my hair further lulled me into a very pleasant stupor so I am not really sure when it was I stopped humming and started to sing. I just know that when the song “Arms of an Angel” came on a sweet, yet sad feeling washed through me and began to build and I just had to sing along. “Spend all your time waiting for that second chance. For a break that would make it OK” I felt the music, like a living thing, flowing through me and around me, spiraling and dancing its way though the cave. “There’s always one reason to feel not good enough and it’s hard at the end of the day.”

I did not need to open my eyes to see the others. I could feel them, feel there emotions, sense them listening to the song, listening to me. “I need some distraction. Oh beautiful release. Memory seeps from my veins.” I wanted them to feel what I felt in the music. Experience this living creature, this lovely, aching, yearning, fragile phoenix that was this song. “Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I’ll find some peace tonight.”

I wanted to share this beauty with them so much. The need to show them what I felt was overwhelming. The emotions were bursting from me, out of my control, flowing through the cave. “In the arms of an angel, fly away from here….”

I opened my eyes as the song ended, brushing away a few tears. No one moved. They were all staring at me somewhat astonished. I did not have time to get embarrassed. The next song started “We Belong”, still sentimental but more upbeat. Without thinking I slid into the music and started to sing along.

Four songs later, “Psycho Killer”, everyone was singing along and the party was really getting started. This is a fantastic station, I was thinking to myself. Lots of great dance music and so many female artists to sing along with.

Seras and I, being the only girls there, ended dancing well, with everyone just about. As each song ended I kept thinking, surely, this is it, they have to take a commercial break but then anther great song would come on and we would all start belting out the lyrics our voices rolling and echoing throughout the cave. I found the combination of music and friends intoxicating. I hoped it would never end.

As the last strains of “Love Shack” played out, I found myself near Sgt. Marks who was leaning casually against one of the stone “trees”.

“Good evening miss Doyle.” He said pleasantly.

“Guten abend Herr Marks”

He chuckled. “I did not think you spoke German.”

“I know about 5 words.”

“We shall have to teach you more. There are many useful words I could teach you.”

“I’ll bet there are.”

“In fact, a few come to mind as we speak.”

“Oh yes?”

He leaned in closer, a devilish expression on his face. “Would you like me to tell you what the are?”

“Hmmm, let me think about it.” I said casually but was beginning to blush. Is Sgt. Marks flirting with me? Oh no, am I flirting back? I asked myself. It was hard to tell as I was not using my usual method of flirting which consisted of running in confusion and terror from the man in question.

“I assure you, I am an excellent teacher.”

I’ll just bet you are. I thought blushing still more, turning into a brunette tomato. I had made the mistake of looking into his eyes which were a light twinkly blue, brimming over with humor and something else perhaps a bit warmer. Oh my! I thought, gazing up at his rough handsome face with its strong jaw and boyish smile and that little scar just below his lip that one could just reach up and…Oh my!

I pulled my hands behind my back to curtail the urge and tore my eyes from his face and ended up staring at his broad shoulders and chest. Sigh. He was wearing his uniform sleeves neatly rolled above his elbows revealing his firm biceps and large, well formed forearms which were lightly covered with golden hairs which would probably feel very nice if one were to…Oh my! Oh no!

What’s going on?! Damn you Alucard! Puberty was bad enough the first time without all my middle aged body issues to pile on top of it.

I looked back up at Marks’ face and my knees went weak. He was so good looking. I wanted to cry. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to hit him and run away screaming before he could say something cruel or laugh at me for being so stupid in thinking that he might like me ‘that way’.

Ah, now at least, I was back in familiar territory.

I took a deep breath and met his warm gaze. Something of my emotions must have shown in my face because there was just a hint of concern in his eyes.

Don’t you ruin this for me! I silently screamed at me issues. You have been in control of my life long enough. Now, get in there Corrine and say something coherent, preferably charming, to deflect this train of thought before you blow it!

“Do you dance sergeant Marks?”

He blinked a couple of times. “Do I dance?”

Smile you stupid girl! I smiled up at him. “Yes.”

“Yes, I dance.”

Flirt with him darn you. You flirt with him right now! “I just noticed that you haven’t been dancing.” Little smile. Tilt head a bit. “Do you like to dance?”

“I’d like to dance with you.”

Bingo! “So, why haven’t you asked me to dance?” Casually examine hands then sly look back at him. Yes! This may actually be working. Shhh, steady now girl.

“Well, your dance card has been quite full. Someone else was always dancing with you.”

Don’t you dare, giggle. 40 year old women don’t giggle!

“You could have pulled rank. Captain Burnadett has done it at least 4 times with Seras and me.”

“Perhaps I was biding my time.”

“Perhaps.”

“Waiting for the right song.”

“Oh yes?”

“A much slower song.”

Oh. Oh my! “Well I’m not dancing with anyone right now…” We cocked our heads to take in the “tune” currently rolling through the cave. It was Klaus Nomi’s cover of “You Don’t Own Me”. “Well, it’s slower anyway.” I said skeptically.

“Definitely not the right song.” We said at the same time and laughed.

He pulled out his flask and offered it to me. “Care to try some for non-medicinal purposes?”

“Are you sure you trust me with it?”

“Just don’t pour it on anybody OK?”

“Just in here.” I promised tilting it to my lips. I took a sip, smiled at him then took a good long pull. “Wow, good. Slivovitz yes?”

He cocked an eyebrow at me.

“You were expecting coughing and sputtering perhaps?”

“I find myself liking you more and more.” Another song started playing. “Ah, now this is more the thing.” He said. “Shall we?” He took my free hand and led me to the open area just in front of the pool that we had been using as a dance floor as Marc Anthony began to sing.

“They say around the way you’ve asked for me…”

Marks stepped in close and placed a hand on the small of my back.

Ooops. Real dancing. “I ah, don’t really know how to … um…Samba?” I guessed.

“There’s even talk about you wanting me...”

He chuckled and took the flask from my hand.

“Meringa?”

“I must admit that’s what I want to hear…”

“Don’t worry,” he said pulling me closer “I’m an excellent teacher”

‘I’ll just bet you are’ I thought as he guided me into the first few steps of the dance.

“But that’s just talk until you take me there…”

“Have another drink.” He said after I stepped on his foot for the 3^rd time.

“Are you trying to get me drunk?”

“I need to know. I need to know…”

“If I said yes, would you become very indignant?”

“No, but is it wise to try and make me even less coordinated at the moment?”

“We in the Geese do not flinch at danger. Besides, I am wearing boots and you are wearing, very little so, yes.” He said looking teasingly roguish.

“Tell me baby girl cause I need to know...”

He stepped into the turn and dipped me then pulled me up and whispered softly into my ear. “Now, about those cookies for tomorrow night…I’m partial to peanut butter.”

I dissolved into laughter.

“Girl I’m exactly where I want to...” WHAM! The music was very decisively cut off.

LETTERS TO HELLSING XXIX

2009-07-10T16:57:00.011-04:00

“All right, yes, here.” Zelig said positioning me inside the entrance and waiving the others back a bit. “Now, quiet all of you! Are you ready?” He whispered to me.

“Yes. This is very exciting!” I whispered back.

He smiled and squeezed my hand then reached out to touch something hidden in the wall.

Nothing happened for a moment then, just audible over the sounds of the waterfall, came the soft strains of a harp. I held my breath trying to better hear the quiet melody. As I listened, the song grew louder and more complex as other instruments were woven in. I realized that I was beginning to distinguish shapes in the darkness. A flute joined in the song, trilling like a bird. Slowly, slowly the lights began to come up like the dawning of a new day. Shafts of light came down from the ceiling, sparkling off of the waterfalls and the crystal rock formations creating a dappled carpet on the floor of the cave.

The effect was stunning.

I realized I was still holding my breath. I expelled it the whispered, “Oh Zelig, it’s just lovely.”

I heard several affirmative sounds behind me.

Zelig smiled distantly, his eyes slightly feverish. “Wait,” he breathed “wait.” He reached out again and the “sun” began to set.

The music merged into night sounds and I found myself transported from my dappled little grove to a magical forest. The waterfall no longer flowed merrily but instead seemed to dance. The crystal formations no longer sparkled but burned softly with an inner fire. The pillar “trees” seemed to move and sway on some enchanted breeze. The marble glowed in the diffuse “moonlight” and the pool seemed to reflect starlight from above. It was one of the most magnificent things I had ever seen. It was truly magical.

I could not speak. I could only sigh with pleasure. It was so beautiful.

“Well?” He whispered.

I squeezed his hand and he squeezed it back, my expression conveying my opinion more eloquently than words ever could. He squeezed my hand again and smiled up at me. We stood there for a moment just marveling at his genius.

Eventually, there was a small strangled sound of despair as Stewart spotted the mangled ruins of his stereo on the work bench by the entrance. The spell was broken and everyone crowded around to congratulate Zelig. He gave my hand a final squeeze before we were forcibly separated by the friendly punches and rough back slaps of his comrades.

I wandered over to Stewart who was sifting sadly though the remains of his stereo only slightly mollified by the brownie Zelig had given him in way of apology.

“I don’t suppose you would let me buy you a new one?” I asked.

“Why, you didn’t destroy it?”

“Yes but I gave it to Zelig which, apparently, made its destruction a foregone conclusion.”

“I could have refused. Should have done but, to be honest, I kind of wanted to see what he would do. The man is insane but he is quite talented.”

“I don’t know about ‘insane’.”

“Take my word for it.”

“Come now.”

“Totally off his nut.”

I laughed and looked over at a beaming Zelig who stood accepting his due praise whilst doling out brownies like a benevolent dictator.

“What did Zelig do before he joined the squad?”

“Landscape architect.”

“In Algeria?”

“No, France. His mother was Algerian, his father is French. Zelig worked for his father’s company until artistic differences drove them apart.”

“Artistic differences?”

“Yes, his father felt that customer satisfaction was the cornerstone to good business.”

“And Zelig?”

“Zelig felt that if the customers even considered replanting one of his garden beds it was grounds for blowing up their car.”

“What!”

“Or house.”

“You’re joking of course.”

“I’m afraid I’m not. He’s the terrorist version of Frank Lloyd Wright.”

“But.”

“Corrine, we’re all damaged goods here in the Geese one way or another. We all had our own reasons for joining. Some of us are addicted to the danger, some are running from their past, others are just mean son’s of bitches but some of us,” he sighed and gestured to Zelig “some of us simply can not function in the main stream and have nowhere else to go.”

“Poor Zelig.” I sighed.

Stewart laughed. “I tell you a man is crazy and blows things up and you feel sorry for him?”

“Was anyone hurt in the explosions?”

“Well, no.”

“Then yes.”

“There’s your problem. You like people too much.”

“What’s wrong with liking people?”

“Nothing but liking the wrong people can be dangerous.”

“Like Zelig.”

“No, Zelig’s fine as long as he stays with us. Besides, you liked his work. You could shoot him in the foot now and he would still adore you.”

“Like you?”

“Perhaps.”

“Really?”

“No, but a certain girlfriend could prove to be hazardous.”

“Seras is my friend.” I snapped.

“I know, I like her too but is it truly wise to befriend a vampire?”

“Seras, is, my, friend.” I said angrily. Poking him in the chest to emphasize my point.

“Steady love, were just talkin.”

A large hand came down on my shoulder. “Excuse me miss, is this man bothering you?” Asked Marks.

“No. He’s warning me off dangerous men.”

“Very wise. Was my name mentioned?”

“You were next on the list.” Quipped Stewart. “Right after…Oh, hello Zelig.”

“Stewart…Marks.” Zelig said nodding regally to them. “Corrine!” He beamed. “There you are.” He dropped his voice to a loud whisper. “I have to ask you something.” He took my hand and attempted to draw me away but Marks’ hand on my shoulder did not budge. He narrowed his eyes at Marks who gave him a slight smile.

Zelig sighed dramatically, leaned in close and whispered, “Do you have any more brownies?”

“Um, no.”

“Oh.” He said disappointed “Are you sure?”

“Afraid so.”

He sighed. “I didn’t get any.”

“But Zelig, I gave you the whole tray.”

“Yes but I was sharing them out with the fellows. Then there was only this nice big corner piece left and then that girl…” He said balefully.

“Her name is Seras.”

“That Seras, snatched it right out of my hand saying they was hers and wouldn’t give it back.”

“Oh Seras.” I sighed glancing over at her. She was sitting on a rock clutching the tray containing the last brownie and glaring defiantly in our direction. Most of the others had left her alone opting instead to go through the bag of snacks in search of easier prey. Except for corp. Sherman who could not seem to resist trying to sneak up behind her and snatch the last brownie. She backhanded him away without even looking. He landed on the ground with a thump laughing uproariously. Seras gripped the try even more tightly and continued to glare in our direction.

Zelig glared back petulantly at her. “Not even one.” He groused.

I sighed again turning to Stewart. “I don’t suppose?”

Zelig looked at him hopefully.

“Sorry no.” He said stuffing the rest of his brownie into his mouth.

Zelig huffed as Stewart waived a piece of broken stereo at him.

“I’m sorry Zelig.” I said. “But I actually did make them for Seras. But I promise to make lots more for you tomorrow night if you’d like for when you show Sir Integra and the rest of the staff your lovely work.”

“And they’d be for me?”

“Yes.”

“Extra walnuts?”

“Sure.”

“I want more of the cream cheese ones like you made last week.” Said Stewart.

“I wanted walnuts.”

“She can make both can’t she?”

The two of them looked at me expectantly.

“All right.”

“How about those blondie things? What were they called Marks?” Asked Zelig.

“Blondies.”

“Yes, some of those too.”

“Wait…”

“Yes some of those!” shouted Seras. “And the fudgie chippy ones as well.” Damn her and her uncanny hearing.

“Now hold on. I can’t…Oh Zelig you’re bleeding!”

Zelig glanced down at his arm. “It’s nothing.” He said.

“But you’re bleeding.”

“It’s nothing. Now, about cookies…”

“Honestly it’s like dealing with a bunch of 4 year olds!” I muttered under my breath dragging Zelig over to the workbench where the light was better.

“Welcome to my world.” Said Marks.

“I don’t suppose you installed a first aid kit down here?”

Zelig sniffed disdainfully. “This is art, not some poncy municipal pool facility.”

The former lifeguard in me brindled but I remained calm. I removed the towel from my head and gently dabbed at the wound with a corner. “Hmmm, not too bad.” I said. I looked around. I had almost everything I needed. “I need alcohol, preferably hard liquor.”

“Excellent idea.” Said Marks pulling out a flask. “But perhaps you should wait till you’re finished with Rührkuchen here.”

“Tot umfallen kraut!” Growled Zelig.

“What is this, kindergarten at the Tower of Babel?” I said snatching the flask from Marks. I sniffed it’s contents.

“This will do. OK now Zelig, hold still.”

“Why?” Asked Zelig.

“No, wait!” said Marks.

I grinned evilly and tipped a liberal portion of the flask’s contents onto Zelig’s forearm.

Both men flinched.

“Damn, that burns. What the hell is it?”

“Damned expensive is what it is!” Growled Marks.

“Well, if you had a first aid kit down here,” I said sweetly “I wouldn’t need to use this.”

“You could have let him bleed.”

“I most certainly could not!” I said, gently cleaning the grease and dirt from around the cut with another corner of my towel.

“Anders should be doing this.” Grumped Marks. “It’s what we bloody pay him to do. Where the hell is he anyway?”

Stewart chuckled. “He took off as soon as he heard her singing."

“Well he’s still on call and he can bloody well get back here and slap a plaster on Herr Artist here!”

“That’s OK. I like the way she does it better.” Said Zelig as I fussed with his arm.

“Does it still sting?” I asked.

“A little.”

I blew gently on his arm to cool the burn.

“I think I’m in love.” Said Zelig.

“Damn it Anders, get your ass in here right now!” Shouted Marks.

Stewart laughed. “Corrine, you have to stop.”

“What? My mom used to do that.”

“Mind you own business.” Snapped Zelig. “So did mine.” He said patting my arm.

“I’m almost done.” I said. Reaching for the super glue.

“What’s that for?” Zelig asked suspiciously.

“Hopefully to glue your mouth shut.” Said Marks.

I smiled and shook my head then bent over and glued the wound shut.

“Your mother never did that.” Said Stewart.

“I like it!” Said Zelig poking at his arm.

“Pretty clever.” Said Marks. "Now give me back my flask. And just where the deuce have you been?” he said to Anderson who had come up behind me.

“Did you see what she did Anders?” Said Zelig, grinning and flexing his arm. “She glued me back together she did! You should try it.” He said tossing him the tube.

Anders caught it and stared at Zelig his eyes flashing but his face carefully neutral. “How very useful.” He said without inflection.

“You could have done it yourself if you’d been here instead of skulking about.” Snapped Marks. “She shouldn’t have to do your job.” Anders flinched a little at Marks’ tone but said nothing. He just stared down angrily at the tube in his hand.

I suddenly remembered that Anderson did not like me and this was not helping. “It was just a little cut.” I said quickly. “Mom stuff really. No big deal.”

He weighed the tube in the palm of his hand. “For little cuts yes?” He said quietly in that dead voice.

“Um, yes?”

“Not so good for ripped off limbs then?” He said bitterly, squeezing the tube.

“Well, no.”

“Perhaps I could use it on ghoul bites instead?” He looked up at me, his eyes filled with rage.

I choked and shook my head.

“No? Pity that.” He said, glaring at me.

I stumbled back a bit, shocked by his hostility. He seemed so full of anger and pain that I was not sure how to react. Resentment, compassion and a little bit of fear warred inside of me, my usual instinct to apologize and placate stumbling against the fact that, to the best of my knowledge, I had done absolutely nothing wrong. “I…I didn’t….” I took a deep breath and clutched my fisted hands against my stomach to hide their trembling. Don’t you dare cry Corrine! I thought and looked him in the eye. “Why?” I asked.

“What the hell are you playing at Anders?!” Said Zelig, stepping between us and bowing his chest. Stewart looked more puzzled than angry.

Anders dropped his head staring down at his hands, his jaw clenching and unclenching his lips quirking. He looked up at me his eyes full of pain and confusion. His lips moved but no words came out.

“That’s enough.” Said Marks quietly but firmly. “Anders, go see the captain about pulling a first aid kit from stores for down here.”

Anders’ face went blank. He turned mechanically and left without a sound.

“Zelig, you and Stewart clean up that mess on the work bench.”

“But.” Said Stewart.

“Now.” Said Marks.

Stewart shrugged and went to help Zelig.

“You," He said chucking me under the chin, “go brush your hair.’

I absently ran a hand through the tangled mass but said nothing. Marks turned his gaze to follow my confused one over to Anders. He shook his head. “He needs to figure out how to deal with this before it’s too late.”

I looked up at him. “I’m sorry. I seem to upset him greatly.” I said miserably.

Marks smiled sadly. “It’s not just you. It’s this place.” He said. “It’s like a hell for him. It’s driving him mad but he won’t leave. He won’t leave the men without a medic and who in his right mind would take the job?”

I looked back at Anders. Slow, horrifying comprehension dawning on me.

Hard enough to be a combat medic but to be a medic for a combat team which battled the undead? To have to watch your team get blown apart and ripped open. To have to decide at a moments notice whether to tend a wound or to administer the only mercy available to a friend or civilian with a ghoul bite, a bullet in the head. And if you make a mistake, you might be murdering an innocent or worse yet, spare them only to watch them rise up to kill and eat your men.

My mind wandered back to the theater. To the way he had looked at me. The way his hand kept moving to his holster. He had decided to shoot me but Alucard had not allowed it. I shivered with terror. He would have killed me, shot me in the head then and there but instead, here I was, standing in front to him alive and healthy and a constant reminder of all of those deaths and of how far from being a healer he had strayed.

“He knows that we don’t resent it.” Said Marks. “That any of us would rather take a bullet in the head than turn but knowing that is still a cold comfort when you’re the one who has to pull the trigger.”

“Oh, poor Anders.” I whispered. “How can he bear it?”

“He bears it because he has to. We all do.” He turned back to me. “Now don’t cry on me liebste.” He said, noticing my tears. “A river of tears couldn’t save the damned souls in this room.”

“I’m not crying, I’m leaking.” I said blotting my eyes on my sleeve. “I do that sometimes. Ask the captain.”

“Hmm.” He said handing me a tissue. “As you say. Now go see to that pet demon of yours before she breaks one of my men.”

I squeezed his arm and smiled at him. “Thank you, you’re very kind.”

“Slander and lies girl! I like you better when you are being mean. Now go away before you destroy my reputation.”

“Sir! Yes sir!” I barked throwing him a mock salute then scurrying away quickly before he could swat me.

LETTERSFROM HELLSING XXVIII

2009-06-19T17:57:00.005-04:00

“He better not ruin my stereo.” Stewart whispered.

“Ruin how?” I whispered back. Zelig had hustled us back out beyond the cave entrance but was still within earshot.

“Give him anything with wires and he takes it apart. I can’t believe I let you talk me into giving it to him.”

“But it made him so happy.”

“Of course it made him happy. He always gets happy when he gets to take stuff apart.”

“Or blow stuff up.” Added Griffin “He likes to blow stuff up.”

“It was practically new.”

“Perhaps he wont take it apart too much.” I said hopefully. Stewart stared at me reproachfully. “It could happen.” I said less hopefully.

“Bête fille mon chanson.” Said Burnadett. “It is in many pieces by now. You should not have given it to him.”

Stewart groaned

“But he had these puppy dog eyes.” I said.

“And you shouldn’t have given him all of the brownies!” Griped Seras “Those were for us.”

“I’m sure he’ll share.”

“Bête, bête fille.”

“What?”

“You silly, silly girl.”

“I kept the wine though.” I said.

“Did I say silly? I meant clever. Pass it here.”

“Actually, it was Seras who brought the wine.” I confessed.

“And this is why we like her.” He said taking the bottle from me.

“So tell me about this ‘Titania’s Delight’.”

“Oh that?” Snorted Burnadett. “That was some folly of Zelig’s back in Bosnia. We had set up headquarters in this little hut in the hills. There was an abandoned fruit orchard behind and he took a fancy to it. Said it reminded him of this Shakespeare play.”

“A Midsummer’s Night Dream?”

"Yes, this is the one. Well, he began to muck about with it and I let him because there wasn’t anything needing blowing up at the time. I thought it would keep him from getting bored and taking apart all of the equipment but he started using up all of the detonation wire to string up these lights and then the backup generator went missing …”

“He was out of control.” Growled Marks.

“He meant well.”

“He took the bulbs out of every flashlight in the company. I had to sneak into Serbia and buy more on the black market before we could do any more night missions.”

“He is very single minded with his projects.” Confessed Burnadett.

“Obsessed more like.”

“It did look quite nice though, I have to admit.” Said Stewart. “When it was finished.”

“Like a little magic forest.” Agreed Burnadett.

“He even put in one of them fairy circles.” Said corp. Blaven.

“Sounds pretty.” Said Seras

“It was.” Said Stewart. “Until those two drove a tank through it.” He said gesturing towards Marks and Griffin.

“What!? Why?” I burst out.

Marks made a disgusted noise. “We had captured this tank during a counter offensive and thought it might come in handy. Captain told us to hide it so we hid it.”

“Right in the middle of Zelig’s orchard.” Quipped Stewart.

“We said we was sorry.” Said Griffin.

“In case you have forgotten. There was, in fact, a war going on? It was the best cover for miles.”

“Yes we know Marks” said Burnadett “but did you have to park it right on top of the fairy ring?”

“That was a pity.” Said Blaven “I rather liked the fairy circle.”

“Do you have any idea what flashlight bulbs go for in the Serbian black market?” Countered Marks.

“I would have docked his pay for it.”

“Because of us, you didn’t have to. He even got a little bonus after we sold off that tank to the Soviets.”

“Yes, well, that was nice.” Said Blaven.

Marks shrugged.

“You stole a tank?” I asked.

“Captured.” Corrected Marks.

“And sold it?”

“Well, it wouldn’t fit in the plane.”

“To the Soviets.”

“Seemed only fair seeing as how it was theirs in the first place.”

“You people scare me.”

“No we don’t girl, that is why we like you." Said Marks. “That, and other things.”

“Yes like those brownies you made.” Said Burnadett.

“Zelig had better share.” Said Stewart.

“Speaking of which,” said Seras “how much longer is this going to take? I’m getting cold.”

“Have some wine.” Said Burnadett offering his cup.

“I don’t get drunk you know.” She said.

“Ah, pity that. Well, best not waste it then.” He said taking the cup back from her hand and drinking it himself. “One should only buy drinks for girls to get them drunk.”

“But it’s my wine.” Said Seras tugging the bottle away from his grasp. “I bought it myself.”

“Even better.” He said. “Are you trying to get me drunk petit?” He took her hand in his. “Do you wish to take advantage of me?”

“What? No!” She said snatching back her hand. (I’m telling you right through the wall someday) “I bought it for us, for Corrine and me!”

“Really?” He said looking slyly at me. I groaned inwardly. “So it our Corrine you wish to get drunk?” He looked at me again and winked. “I heartily approve.”

There was a chorus of approval and the bottle was shoved at me as Seras turned bright red from head to toe.

“I..” Stammered Seras.

“I’ve seen movies that start like this but I never imagined…”

“Fat chance Griffin.” I said.

“Oh but Corrine.” Said Stewart.

“Not going to happen.” I said firmly.

“Pity.” Sniffed Stewart.

“At least not while you lot are about.” I added evilly.

A string of boos and cat calls echoed through the chamber.

“And you.” I said turning to the captain. “You had better stop teasing her like that or no more wine for you!”

“Un défi ? This is a hard choice.”

“I mean it.” I said plucking the cup from his hand.

“Si jolie et si moyenne.” He stage whispered to Marks.

“Ja. Schon und mittlere. Ich muy sie sehr.”

“In English please.” I poked him.

“Ah, mon chanson, you are cruel to make me choose between two things that I love.”

“Rubbish.” I said tilting the neck of the bottle towards the floor.

“Well then,” He sighed.

And we will never know which he loved more, wine or teasing Seras because Zelig chose this exact moment to appear at the entrance and announce he was ready for us. Burnadett took advantage of my temporary distraction and snatching back the bottle with one hand and grabbing Seras with the other began herding us all toward Zelig. Before I could intervene, Zelig had captured my hand and was leading me toward the entrance of the cave.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXVII

2009-03-31T10:12:00.009-04:00

"This pleasant month of May,
the fauns and satyrs trip it.
Fa la, la la la.
Fa la, la la la.
Fa, la la la la la!”

What is it about sipping wine from a paper cup while soaking in a hot pool of water in a fake Roman temple that makes one want to sing madrigals?

"All nature now is gay.
All nature now is gay.
Fa la, la la la.
Fa la, la la la.
Fa, la la la la la!”

I was really enjoying the acoustics. Perhaps a sea shanty would be appropriate.

"Here’s one more day, on the Great Funnel Line...” hmmm.

Seras was right. This is relaxing. Good old Seras.... I had found the perfect spot where I could sit in the warm water with my arms stretched out along the ledge and my head could lean back onto the lip of the pool and still keep dry. It was so nice. Bless you Cupcake.

Unfortunate call sign that. That’s the problem with nicknames you know, you rarely get to choose them. Other, crueler people, such as your friends, usually choose them for you.

Ironically, I had lobbied for years without success for a nickname but nothing ever seemed to stick. Then, one night my sister talked me into going to a Markland feast and there, surrounded by drunk medieval re-enactors, I was finally granted my wish (be careful what you wish for little girl) and dubbed ‘Roadkill’.

Sexy, no?

Well, it could have been worse, much worse. Plus, I really had a great time at the feast. I don’t recall any food but there was mead. Lots of mead and my sister had seemed so happy. We had finally reached an age when we could really start being friends and not just siblings and when she was happy she would energize the whole room and it was hard not to be happy too.

Re-enactors. Ach, weird and crazy the whole lot of them. Myself included. I miss those days. But NOT my secret Skraeling name! Misty eyed, I raised my fisted right had to the side of my head and sang “Markland thy slimy sod, forsook by all but God. Home of the darkest swamps and thickest of thorns...”

I didn’t sound half bad but I felt myself becoming oddly maudlin. Must be the wine I thought pushing the cup away. After all, I did not want my earlier diatribe to Seras to become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I needed to lighten the mood.

Kate Smith? No, one must sing quite loud to do Kate justice and the reverberations might prove dangerous. It seemed fairly stable in here but being a properly British cave, the strains of ‘God Bless America’ might just cause a stalactite to break free and whack me on the head just to prove a point.

I glanced warily at the ceiling. Perhaps a musical.

Yeah!

Something Cheerful and bouncy.

Something light and fun.

Something like... like....Hair!

Perfect.

I settled a bit further down into the water, threw back my head and belted out ‘Aquarius’.

“When the Moon is in the 7th house...”

Much better.

When I got to ‘My Conviction’, I was really feeling feisty so I decided to tackle the operatic version featured in the movie soundtrack (but sadly omitted from the film) cause I wanted to try out the high notes. It was great. My voice was madly whizzing and zooming and bouncing about the cave. The cacophony was amazing. By the time I reached the note
near the end which was to be held for a 17 count , I felt as if I were being backed by a demented, but very cool, chorus.

"There is a peculiar notion that, elegant plumage and fine feathers are not proper for the man, when
A----------------ctually,”

Wow, this is great!

“That is the way things are in mo-o-o-ost spe-cies.”

My arms splashed down into the water with the final crashing note of the orchestra.

I was having a great time. I had even forgotten to wonder what was taking Seras so long until about ½ of the way through ‘Frank Mills’.

“I love him but it embarrasses me, to walk down the street with him.”

Hmmm. Are those voices I hear?

“He lives in Brooklyn somewhere and wears this white crash helmet.”

Yes, that sounds like Seras. I wonder who she’s talking to.

“He has golden chains on his leather jacket and on the back are written the names,”

Oh yes, that must be Cpt. Burnadett asking why she is talking so loud.

“Mary”

The squad must have gotten back early.

“and Mom”

And decided to go for a swim.

“and Hell’s Angels.”

And Seras is talking loud to warn me they are coming.

“I would gratefully appreciate it ..” Oh. Oh!

“Oh rats!” I screeched as I exploded out of the pool and grabbing for my robe just in time.

The guys trooped in staring at Seras who was talking very fast and very loudly about nothing in particular. She sagged with relief when she saw me belting my robe tightly around my waist.

I turned up my collar so that it covered most of my neck and beamed at them. “Oh, is that you Seras? I didn’t hear you coming.”

“Surprising considering the high level of noise she was making.” Twinkled the Captain.

“Yes, almost as if to warn you we were coming .” Growled Corp., no, Sgt. again Marks. “And give you time to get into that robe.”

His look of disappointment was quite flattering.

Seras’ triumphant look of ‘I told you so’ was just annoying.

‘Shut up’ I glared back at her.

“Is that what you were doing? Drat you Victoria!” Said Corp. Stewart.

I giggled, so help me, I actually giggled a bit.

“Not that I’m surprised you couldn’t hear us with how loud you were singing.” He continued.

“Oh was singing too loud? Sorry.”

“No, you sounded great. We were trying to shut this one up so we could listen.”

“Well!” Said Seras indignantly.

“The acoustics in here are amazing.” I said walking over to Seras and hooking my arm through hers. “Thanks.” I whispered in her ear giving her arm a squeeze.

“The acoustics in here are quite good.” He said. “I should bring my guitar down here but you were what sounded amazing.”

“Oh.” I said blushing and giggled again. No more wine for you Corrine.

“Yes, but I do not recall the words ‘Oh rats’ in the lyrics of that particular song.” mused Sgt. Marks.

“Artistic license.” I laughed.

“And that operatic recitation earlier. I do not recall that particular arrangement from the play.” He said.

“Movie soundtrack.” I confessed.

“I thought you were more of a purist.” Said Corp. Stewart.

“I wanted to see if I could hit the high notes.”

“Philistine.”

“Art is where you find it.” I sniffed. “Speaking of which, Zelig you did just an amazing job here. It’s absolutely.... Why is he glaring at us like that?” I whispered to Sgt. Marks.

Pvt. Zelig, who had not uttered one word since coming in, was standing with his fists on his hips, eyes flashing, seething with anger.

“He is very artistic. Likes to be complimented right off.” Marks whispered back. Then in a louder voice said, “What ho Zelig. Why so angry? The place looks damn nice I think.”

“Yes, great job.” Chimed in Stewart.

“Oh like I care what you scutters think!” snapped Zelig. “What do you know of art? What do you know of beauty?” He glared balefully at each of the men in turn looking for all the world like a wet angry rooster. “You look at this and what do you see? A naked lady and a warm pool and your happy. You haven’t an ounce of aesthetic sense to share among you!”

“Oh Gut in Himmel! Is this about that stupid fairy lights garden in Bosnia again?” Bellowed Sgt. Marks. “Cause if it is..”

“We said we was sorry.” Said Pfc. Griffin.

“This is not about Titania’s Delight!” Zelig roared back.

“So what’s eating you if you don’t care what we think?”

“Because I care what Corrine thinks!” He said striding over to me.

“---” I said. Caught off guard.

He looked at me beseechingly. “ I wanted to show to you because I knew you could appreciate what I had done. I wanted to show you and Mr. Dollneaz and Sir Integra tomorrow night when everything was perfect. But now!” He threw his hands down a portrait of despair.

“Oh but it really is beautiful!” I said “And what you did with the heating elements, the way you made the wall so warm, sheer genius! I haven’t felt so relaxed in ages.”

He looked at me still miserable. “But it’s all wrong.”

“No, it’s lovely.”

“No it’s not. And this one!” He said whirling around and pointing to Seras like an actor in a bad historical courtroom drama ‘J’accuse’. “Thinks she can just bring you in early and show you my work. Then she doesn’t even turn on the lights right.”

“What? I flipped the switch. I turned on the lights.”

“You turned on the wrong lights! These are not the proper lights!”

“...I flipped the..”

“These are the work lights! These are not the proper lights.” He growled.

“We could see good enough to swim.” Said Seras getting a bit defensive.

Zelig’s face began to turn purple.

“Merde.” Said Capt. Burnadett under his breath as he tried to insert himself between Zelig and Seras.

“Here we go.” Said Sgt Marks.

“Good enough? Good enough!” Roared Zelig. “This isn’t about ‘good enough’ this isn’t about just seeing! This, this is about...”

“Encountering a multi-sensory artistic experience.” Chimed the Capt. And the Sgt. At the same time.

“Exactly!” Said Zelig. “Not that you care and this one has ruined it!”

“Now wait just a min..umph!” Seras began before Burnadett clapped his hand over her mouth.

She glared at him so hatefully that he immediately snatched it back. Opting instead to wrap an arm around her shoulders and whisper to her urgently “By all that is holy little one, please shut up.” He looked up “She really is sorry Zelig. Aren’t you Victoria?”

“Um yes?”

“See. She is very, very sorry.”

“But the lights.” He said sadly.

“I knew it! Stupid fairy lights again. I swear I am going to fu.. Hey!” Said Marks as I ‘accidentally’ kicked him in the shin.” This was getting out of hand.

I stepped forward to Zelig. “Zelig, Bertram, this is all my fault really. You see, I was so miserable tonight from training and when Seras told me about what you had done here, it sounded so lovely and fun I got excited and just had to see it for myself. Seras was just trying to make me feel better. I am so sorry. Can you forgive me?”

“Well,”

“I baked brownies.”

“With Walnuts?”

“And fudge chips.”

“Well, I suppose you weren’t to know.”

“I am sorry.”

“So, you liked the heating elements?”

“Love them.”

“And the benches? I added those.”

“Did you? I would never have guessed. They look original.”

“Oh for the love of...Ow!”

“Shut up Marks!” Hissed Burnadett. “She’s got this.”

“I just wish you could have seen it right.”

“You could still show me, couldn’t you?”

“Well, I don’t have the tuner but... I suppose I could... yes, that would work....hmm, yes. And you really want to see it right? With the lighting and, and everything?” He asked tremulously.

“Oh yes, very much.”

“Well then, hmmm..., yes. Yes! I will show you. I will show it to you the right way!” He grabbed my hand and pulled me back across the bridge. “Come, come all of you out. We do it the right way so Corrine can see it the way it should be!” He shouted happily as he herded us out of the cave.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXVI

2009-03-18T20:04:00.006-04:00

I did not tell Seras what Alucard had told me about her parents but I did tell her that I was exhausted and dirty and did not think I could handle going to the barracks that night. Plus, I did not want anyone to see the bruises. That’s when Seras told me about the “grotto”.

It seems that after the recent attack on the house, Sir Integra had taken Walter’s advice about expanding and fortifying not just the buildings but the old cave system and aqueduct that ran under the estate as well. Apparently these caves had been used on and off over the centuries by the Brits, the Romans, the Saxons and one or two radical protestant sects. For the last 50 years they had, for the most part, fallen into disuse. Even Alucard had only ever shown mild interest in them, saying bats and caves were a bit too cliche for his tastes, and he could see in the dark.

It comes to pass that while attempting to track back the source of the stream that ran though part of the cave system, former Sgt. Marks (having been busted to corporal for the 5th time that year), Pvt. Zelig and some of the other Wild Geese had run across a passage which had some time ago been sealed off by a rock slide but which seemed to run parallel to the stream. After clearing away some of the rubble, Pvt. Zelig, being the smallest, had been stuffed through the tiny opening only to find himself standing shin deep in freezing cold water and staring at a statue of a naked woman.

Naturally, Corp. Marks and the others had immediately set about rescuing Pvt. Zelig who, for some reason, seemed disinclined to leave the cave. In no time at all most of the rubble had been cleared away and as the water drained out, they found themselves standing in a fair sized cave which seemed to contain a small but well preserved temple dedicated to a Roman goddess.

Their excitement was only slightly dampened by Walter’s declaring it not an original Roman bath but most likely a renascence reproduction created as an idyll for a wealthy nobleman. Still, a naked lady statue is a naked lady statue regardless of her antiquity so, with Sir Integra’s grudging permission, the men had set about “restoring” the grotto to its full and former glory... and then some.

The ‘and them some’ involving the addition of electrical lighting and a heating element for the pool.

Seras said that Pvt. Zelig had finished the wiring this afternoon. The grand unveiling was scheduled for tomorrow night and she and I had been invited to go swimming.

I sighed, a good soak in a heated pool sounded just the thing (there was no bathtub only showers on my and Seras' floors) but I could not possibly do so while the others were there. Perhaps if were just Seras ... She broke my revere reading my mind. Mentioning the guys were all on call tonight and Walter was sequestered in a meeting with Sir Integra so we decided to throw our own pre-opening party. We could always feign surprise and delight tomorrow.

Seras led the way through the sub basement carefully skirting the chapel and crypt which marked the entrance to the cave system by taking me into the aqueduct. Too creepy she said. I repressed a smile. The path was bordered by a series of rectangular pools obviously of man made origin. Seras said they were fed by the stream and were part of the old Roman system which still supplied the estate.

We followed the path back into the caves and through the areas under renovation. From the looks of the supplies and armaments being laid in, it appeared that Sir Integra planned to be able to withstand a siege of long duration. The thought of trying to fight vampires underground made me shudder. “That’s not the plan.” Was all Seras would say and she pulled me into a side passage which seemed to have had few renovations thus far.

I liked this section of the cave much better. It had retained much of its natural state. The water, having cut its own channel deeper and deeper into the soft stone over the millennia, had needed little improvement from the Romans.

The only obviously man made object was a metal post planted at the edge of the water where the channel widened out near the back before disappearing into the darkness at the back of the cave. It was very ornate and had apparently at one time been gilded. The top was in the form of a stag rampant, fleeing towards the entrance of the cave. A pack of hounds in relief swarmed up the body of the post snapping at the stag’s heels.

I reached out and stroked the stags nose. The head was turned back but it was not looking at the dogs but towards the darkened rear of the cave with an expression of both longing and resignation. As if, even with death only a moment away, it yearned to turn back. I shuddered in sympathy before turning away.

As the channel widened, the path beside it grew narrower and narrower. Once or twice, Seras and I had to squeeze past a stalagmite or duck under a stalactite. The odd angels of the walls and rock formations caused the illumination from work lights strung along our path to be quite dim and I bonked my head a couple of time before I had to sternly remind Seras that, unlike her, I could not see in the dark so an occasional warning from her would be nice. We finally emerged from the path, Seras happy and excited myself sweaty and disgruntled, then she flipped on the switch.

Oh it was so worth it.

The narrow passage had opened out into a large cave filled with all sorts of rock and crystal formations peeking out from behind delicate pillars where Stalactite and stalagmite had merged to form tall, graceful trees of stone. The wide channel cut through the left half of the cave winding towards the back to its source, a waterfall which came pouring out through a large crack in the wall of the cavern. A small stone bridge near the waterfall led across the channel. At the end of the bridge stood another post its features somewhat corroded but suspiciously naked and nymph like.

Beyond the bridge lay the grotto. A large pebbly pool fed by the gentler sister of the first waterfall, trickling down the stone wall in a slow but steady stream.

At the far edge of the pool stood a white marble statue of a young, lithe woman. One of her arms was resting on her shoulder coyly in front of but not quite concealing her breasts, the other was reaching down towards the pool. She seemed to have just disrobed and was deciding whether or not to bathe. Below her were stone steps leading into the pool their risers carved with images of nymphs and frolicking dogs which seemed to be beckoning her to enter the water.

I recognized her immediately. “Artemis .” I whispered.

“Oh you guessed it!” Seras said sounding mildly disappointed.

“Yes.” I said. “The maiden goddess of the hunt. It’s exquisite. That explains the stag outside, poor creature. Strange theme for a rich man’s idyll.” I mused out loud. And yet how appropriate for it to have been found on Sir Integra’s watch I kept to myself.

Seras shrugged. “You and Walter love all of that history stuff. It was never really my thing.” She said, tossing her towel on the bench.

“History stuff.” I snorted. “How about Irony?” I asked the potentially immortal creature, the virginal vampire who stood opposite Diana’s statue poking her toe in the water.

She looked at me bemused. “Odd, that’s just what Capt. Burnadett said.” She shrugged again stripping off her robe. “Shall we go in?”

I suppressed a laugh. Poor Burnadett, there’s nothing worse then telling a joke and having your intended target not get it. It was probably for the best. He teased her far too much. One of these days she was going to lose it and put him right through a wall.

“It looks cold to me.” I said suddenly self conscious of my overweight middle aged figure compared to her disturbingly perfect one. Perhaps if I dunked her head under the water a few times...

“No it’s great. Z installed some heating elements and set them up so the pool is cool by the waterfall but pretty hot by the time it reaches that end.” She pointed to a spot in the pool where the lip was slightly lower than the rest and the water cascaded down into yet another, smaller pool then away to who knows where.

“That is so cool.” I said. “Wait, ‘Z’?”

“Yeah, Zelig wants us to call him Z now cause he doesn’t like his first name and he really hates his call sign.”

His first name was Bertram so I really couldn’t blame him. “What’s his call sign?”

“Cupcake.”

“Ouch! How did that happen?”

“I don’t know. Marks just said something cryptic about girls underwear and I was afraid to ask. So, anyway, he’s lobbying like crazy for a new one. I think this whole grotto thing is part of a bribe to get the others on his side.”

“He who controls the heating coil controls the world.” I said.

“Something like that.” She laughed.

“Still it’s not as bad as the secret Skraeling name they wanted to give me anyway.”

“What was that?”

“Let’s just say, I had to talk them up to ‘Roadkill’ and leave it there.”

“Ouch.” She said.

“Exactly.” I said.

“Boy, and I though I hated being called ‘Kitten’ by my old unit before..” She trailed off.

Bad memories.

Seras had been a police officer before she had ever even heard of Hellsing. Her entire squad had been slaughtered the night she and Alucard had met. She was the sole ‘survivor’. Alucard had shot her through the lungs to get to the vampire who was holding her as the last living hostage. Then he had turned her into a vampire herself. Why he did it was unclear. Perhaps because she was a virgin. Perhaps because he was hungry. Perhaps because she had looked him in the eye and not flinched when he had shot her.

Bad memories.

I moved to the far end of the pool, slipped out of my shoes and took a tentative step down onto the shelf near where the water flowed out. It was delightfully warm. “Oh that Cupcake, he’s a genius.” I said.

I stripped off my robe and ventured in. Seras did a neat dive into the deep center of the pool and popped up next to me.

“That was fun going through the temperatures like that. You should try it.” She said.

“Not moving. Too comfortable.” I murmured snuggling my back up against the smooth, hot marble which formed the wall of the pool.

“Mmm. It is nice.” Seras said stretching languidly in the warm water. “I wonder if that little pool down there could be turned into a Jacuzzi?” She mused.

“Promise Zelig you’ll wear a bikini in it. That will motivate him.”

She giggled and blushed then turned serious. “You think it would work?”

“Seras, I think half the squad would chew though rock to get you into a 2 piece.”

“No, stop.” She said. “Really?”

My hands itched to dunk her under the water. I hate reassuring beautiful girls that they are pretty. Only the fact that I knew Seras had been practically raised by overprotective police officers who would just assume bludgeon a guy for looking at her funny much less asking her out, kept me from acting on the impulse. “Yes honey really.” I said instead.

She smiled and blushed again then looked at me thoughtfully. “I wonder what they would do to see you in one?”

“Not funny.” I said mildly hurt.

She frowned and seemed genuinely puzzled. “Oh, because of the bruises?” She said. Then her face cleared. "Wait a couple weeks till they’ve cleared up and we’ll both wear them together!” she said brightly.

Pretty people can often be quite insensitive without meaning to. I compressed my lips into a thin line. My emotional baggage was not her problem but come on, how oblivious could she be. I suppressed my hurt and said as calmly as I could. “Seras, I assure you, no one wants to see this, in a bikini."

Her eyes narrowed and me and she frowned, finally catching on. She looked worried for a moment then snorted at me derisively. “Shows how much you know Miss ‘I know all the Greek gods names’!”

I looked at her stunned.

“I happen to know for a fact that there are several guys in the squad who would be quite well pleased to come down here and find you lounging about in a bikini so don’t you dare glare at me like that.” She punctuated the point by splashing me in the face.

“Like who?” I spluttered.

“I pick up on things you know.” She pinned my shoulders to the wall and glared down at me with those red eyes. She lowered he voice. “I have excellent hearing.”

“Yes, I know but Seras...”

“I hear the guys talking after missions about what kind of girls they like.”

“Yes?”

She glanced meaningfully down at my cleavage which even I, as much as I hate my body, have to admit is quite impressive. It was my turn to blush.

“They also mention legs a lot and you have very nice calves.”

“It’s my bits in between that seems to turn them off.” I harrumphed.

She growled and to my astonishment actually dunked me under the water. She hauled me back up coughing and sputtering.

“Nobody is allowed to talk about you like that. Not even you!”

One look at her flashing eyes and the sarcastic retort I had been about to give, died on my lips. Was she actually angry with me? Her eyes lost their focus but not their intensity. “Nobody.” She whispered firmly.

I stared at her astonished at a loss of what to do.

So I sneezed.

That snapped her out of it.

Her eyes grew round and soft again as she took in my bedraggled state. “Oh oops, you didn’t want to get your hair wet did you?”

“No, I did not.” I said tugging at the soaking wet bun which was now listing uncomfortably off to one side of my head. I finally managed to get the scrunchey out and it fell past my shoulders in a tangled lump.

“It doesn’t look that bad.” She said trying to keep a straight face as she watched me ineffectually poke at the sodden mass.

“It took forever to wash that paste out of it this morning” I grumbled. “I usually braid it if I go swimming otherwise it gets everywhere and tangles me up.” I climbed up to sit at the edge of the pool and began to vigorously towel my hair. “Good thing I packed my hairbrush. Can you get it for me?”

“Hairbrush?”

“Yes, it’s in the bag.”

“What bag?”

“You know, the bag with our dry clothes. The bag I handed you before we came down here?”

“Oh, that bag.”

“You did bring it didn’t you? I saw you carrying a bag.”

“Um.”

“Seras!”

“Well.”

“Then what’s in that bag?”

“Um snacks?” She said meekly.

“Snacks?”

“Yeah. You know, munches. And wine.”

“You don’t drink. You can't get drunk.”

“Well I like the taste and I thought it might be nice for you so you could, you know, relax.” She said waiving the bottle at me.

“Aw Seras!”

“I thought you would like it.” She sniffed.

“Yeah, sure, great. Get me nice and toasty so I can then wander damp and tipsy through a poorly lit subterranean cave system leaving a trail of wet, tangley Medusa hair on every stalactite and rock outcrop and if I get sleepy, that’s just fine cause I can just take a little nap in my damp bathing suit in the Hellsing family crypt where I will, ironically, catch my death of cold.”

“OK, I get it. I’m sorry. I forgot.”

“Well, someone is going to have to go back and get it.” I said archly.

Seras carefully avoided eye contact. “Can’t we go back together?” She asked meekly.

“I can’t walk though the halls like this!”

“I think you look rather nice with that turbany towel thing on your head.”

“Seras!”

“But,”

“What?”

“I don’t want to go by myself.”

“Why not?”

“It’s cold and dark.”

“Exactly why I’m not going.”

“But,”

“Seras, you’re a vampire. You can see in the dark. You don’t get drunk and you can't catch a cold!”

“I know I’m a vampire,” She said testily. “But I still don’t want to walk around by myself in just a robe.” She pouted.

“So go turn yourself into a mist or a bat or something before my hair dries like this.

“Alright, I’m going, I’m going. You know, most people don’t speak to vampires this way.”

“I’m not most people and your not most vampires.”

“No, were not, are we?” She smiled and kissed my cheek.

“Don’t forget my hairbrush.”

“I wont.”

“And some leave in conditioner.”

“Fine.”

“And some lotion.”

“OK.”

“Oh, and Seras?”

“Bloody H... something else?”

I grinned. “Could you leave the wine?”

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXV

2009-01-07T18:49:00.012-05:00

I froze in place staring at him in disbelief. Was he really going to break my arm? Was this another test?

Test or not, it didn't matter. Arguing with him was useless and pleading with him would only make him angry. It wasn’t like I could outrun him so, really, my only option was to obey and hope he would change his mind.

I had to force myself to walk towards him. This was worse than the old game. If he decided to hurt me now it would not be an illusion, it would be for real.

I finally stood before him trembling. He stared at me hard for a long time then said, “Give me your arm.” I did not dare to close my eyes or look away. I held out my arm, delivering myself into the jaws of the mother of all tigers. His hand reached out and circled my wrist. “Sit.” He said lightly, indicating the chair next to his and giving my arm a little tug.

I sat. He rested my forearm across the armrests of our two chairs. Our gazes were still locked, his face was unreadable.

“I should you know. I should break your arm.” He said running his finger up and down my exposed wrist and forearm. His touch was as light as a feather, it sent thrills of fear through me. I was screaming with terror inside my head but managed to maintain my outward calm, praying that this was only a test.

He smiled, his eyes glowing as he savored my fear. “Angel how delicious you are. Your fear is so sweet. You will have to learn to control it or no matter how strong your powers get, the next vampire you meet will rip you apart just to taste it.” He stilled his finger over my pulse, slitted his eyes and literally rumbled with pleasure. The vampire blood within me responded to his pleasure, shivering with anticipation of the pain to come.

No, stop! This is sick. I could feel the bile rising in my throat, pushing up against the fear and panic. I began to sweat. It was just a matter of moments before my control snapped and I would begin to scream uncontrollably.

He closed his eyes and sighed. His nostrils flared as he breathed in my scent. “Lovely. So sweet.” His eyes snapped open. "You had better find a way to control that fear fast Angel or I will have to break that arm of yours just to keep myself from drinking every last drop of you.”

Oh my God he’s not kidding. Panic and elation shot through me at the same time. This is so wrong I thought but I had to do something fast so I grabbed on to the feeling of elation and followed it back to its source. To the place within me where Alucard dwelled. It was sick and dark but my blood sang through it, brushing up against it with both revulsion and secret delight. This is where the dark thoughts lived. I held on and rode the feeling through it, past it. Knowing that if I let go now I might be sucked in and lost there forever.

Finally I found it, bumped up against it. My core. I released the sick feeling of elation, wrapped myself around who and what I was and hung on tight. I took a deep breath, recaptured his gaze and looked back at him without fear.

He could break my arm if that’s what he decided. It would hurt dreadfully and I did not want him to but I had no control over that. He was stronger than I and I was in his power. He could tear off my arm if he wished to, tear me apart. He could even kill me but he could not touch me. Not my core anyway. For all his powers, even he could not reach me here without my consent. So I looked at him and for the first time, in a long time, I was not afraid.

He smiled. “Well done Angel.” He said, squeezing my arm. “I shan’t break it today.”

He pulled my hand up and over to his mouth dragging my chair towards his until they came together with an audible click. He brushed his lips against the inside of my wrist. I noticed dispassionately that my pulse quickened with pleasure. He smiled at me again. “But you will still have to be punished. This is the second time you have defied me and I can not let it go again. I have my reputation to consider.”

He tilted his head slightly and gave me a considering look. “Now let’s see...” He said. “It will have to be an appropriate punishment so that you will remember...” He drummed his fingers thoughtfully on my wrist. His glance wandered down to his other hand where he still held the strange lacy net he had woven from my hair. “Yes, that will do nicely.” He smiled. “Turn your head Angel to look at the door and don’t move until I say so.”

I glanced down at his hand then back up into his eyes, then turned my head to face the door. I felt his fingers comb through my hair.

“Ow!” I jumped a bit with surprise but did not turn my head.

“Hold still Angel.”

“What are you? Ow!”

“If you are going to make such a fuss over your hair, the least I can do is make sure it serves some useful function. Ah yes, these and these.”

“Ow!”

“Quiet! You didn’t make this much noise when I was really hurting you.”

“Well, you were strangling me at the time. Eeep!”

“You squawk like a chicken.”

“Those were baby hairs.” I could tell the lesson was over and he was just enjoying himself now.

“You mean like these?”

I hissed painfully and gripped the arms of my chair tightly. “What exactly is it that you are going to do with my hair?”

“Show you in a minute. Almost done.” He was actually humming a tune under his breath. “I like the reddish gold ones they are like blood on new copper.”

“Glimpt!”

“They weave in nicely with the gold and brown. Oh, here’s a grey one. Shall I pluck it for you?”

“Yes, I’ve named it Alucard.”

“Then we’ll just leave it there shall we? Here are two more.”

“They are all named Alucard. Take as many of the grey ones as you want.”

“Hmm. No, they are too stiff and lifeless. I like the others so full of light.” He yanked out a few more and swung his arm around to show them to me. “See? Walter’s right, you do have pretty hair. The strands are very fine, very reflective. Good for weaving and holding power. OK, done. You can move now.”

“Good. Ow!”

“Still needed a couple more.”

“That felt like more than a couple.”

“Squawks like a chicken, squeaks like a rat, gibbers like a monkey. Do you actually make any human noises?”

I turned to see what he was doing, rubbing my tender scalp. Andrew should have no trouble with those connections now, I thought wryly. He was weaving the new hairs into the lacy net giving it layers and making the pattern more and more complex. He had resumed his humming. His fingers were moving impossibly fast.

“Poor Walter.” He mused. “You know he was really something once. Cruel, cunning, arrogant. He knew no fear. He waded through hordes of the undead and killed without quarter.

"He was quite a sight to watch in action. 14 years old and both mortals and eldritch quaked in fear at the thought of him. The carnage was glorious. He truly was the 'Angel of Death'.

"Those were good times. What fun we had.” He smiled fondly at the memory .

“14?”

“Yes, he was beautiful. Full of horror and rage. And oh how he used that rage Angel. Took that bitterness and betrayal and the rape of his childhood and turned it into a powerful and determined hatred. He tore though Europe raining down death and destruction. They fell by the score and still there was never enough blood to slake his thirst.

"And the games Angel, the games we played. He was a master. One of only two humans who ever came close to beating me. What a magnificent vampire he would have made.

"But he wasted it, threw it all away and for what? For honour? A misplaced sense of duty to this house?

“Honour.” He spat out the word distastefully. “It was the one, so-called higher human virtue I never seemed able to cure him of. I blame all of those books that woman gave him to read about King Arthur.

He knew he was different. That others did not seem to relish the violence as much as he. So he sought to change his very nature by chaining himself to some ridiculous and impossible code of ethics instead of accepting and embracing who and what he truly was.”

“Which was?” I asked tightly.

“A born predator. A beautiful and vicious killing machine.”

“He was a boy!” I said angerly, trying hard to fight back the tears. “Who does this to a boy!? Turns him over to a vampire, teaches him to kill?”

“He was feral when we found him Angel. Life is cruel to the weak. He had already seen more horrors than you can imagine. He already knew how to kill.”

“So instead of helping him heal, he was given to a monster?”

“I assure you he was an eager pupil. We were well suited as companions. Monsters together. I think he even loved me a little.”

“What kind of a monster would do such a thing?” What kind of a bastard had the Lord of Hellsing been?

“Monster enough to control us both. Monster enough to kill other monsters. You cry for him Angel? Do you shed your tears for Walter? You should. Not for what he was but for what he should have been.”

“No, I weep for the boy.”

“Why? We were wolves together. Sharp and fierce. It was his own pathetic need to ‘ennoble’ himself that turned him into a dog so that he could better serve his master. So what is he now? An old, infirm hound lying in the hall. Nearly toothless, barely able serve. Too meek to even beg bones from the table.”

“Stop it!”

“I only speak the truth.”

“You pervert the truth to be cruel.”

“And you rise too easily to the bait. Look at you. Crying for a child who has been dead for decades. No matter, it suits my needs today.” He said as he reached up and wiped at my tears with the net he had woven from my hair. “Yes.” He said. “Tears of self pity and pain are useless to me but empathy and compassion, these hold great power.”

“Observe Angel.” He spread out his hand, opening up the ‘cloth’. Its pattern was both intricate and open, layered and flat like some magical spider web. It was amazing. And my tears, instead of soaking into my hair making it dark and damp, had beaded like morning dew and were glinting softly in the dim light. He flexed his fingers and twisted his wrist and the tears slid along the strands glittering like jewels. Reflecting, making the copper and gold highlights gleam.

“You see Angel. How I can create beauty from your pain? You are soft and weak but I can use you. Can use your tears." He stroked my cheek fondly. “I may be cruel Angel but I speak the truth. I can not feel compassion but if I did I would imagine that it would be hurtful to hear such terrible things about one’s friends. So, if I were to tell you the story of how your dear Captain Burnadett lost his eye...”

I glared at him.

“No. Not that one. You don’t love him enough yet. Besides, children are your weakness aren’t they?”

"......."

“Did the Police Girl ever tell how she lost her parents?”

“Don’t!”

“What she had to watch them do to her mother?”

And so I cried for Seras. Cried for her pain and gave my tears to Alucard because vampires do not feel compassion. Vampires do not cry.