Friday, December 19, 2008

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXIV

By 11:30 that night, both Seras and I were tired, dirty and out of sorts. Seras had been reamed out by Walter for laying hands on a co-worker and he had made her field strip the Baron and reassemble it five times to teach her some patience, telling her that next time he would make her polish the silver. This made her late for weapons practice and so the commander made her run the obstacle course twice to teach her punctuality. I don’t know about patience and punctuality but she certainly was pooped.

I, on the other hand, had gotten off fairly lightly with Walter who, for the most part, seemed to wonder out loud how two grown women could be so utterly fierce in defending each other and yet so seemingly incapable of standing up for themselves.

Unfortunately, any slack Walter had cut me was more than compensated for in cruelty by Alucard later that evening. He said I was far too distracted and if I didn’t start focusing he would find extremely unpleasant ways to snap me out of my disgustingly good mood and damn well teach me to concentrate. Then of course, he proceeded to do so.

“You stupid girl. Whatever do you have to be happy about?” He asked as I picked myself up off of the floor.

“I...” I said.

“Shut up.” He said annoyed. “It was a rhetorical question.” And then proceeded to tear into my mind.

“Your Hair?” He spat. “You are all happy and grateful to Walter because he would not let them cut your hair?!!” He placed his hands on my shoulders stroking the front of my throat with his thumbs. “Angel, you wound me.” He said softly.

I looked up at him confused.

He bent down and whispered in my ear. “I give you your life and the lives of those children. I give you my blood. Offer you the dark secrets of the gods. I give you my time and try to train you into something useful. I give you all of these gifts and are you grateful? Do you focus and train?” His hands tightened fingers digging into my shoulders. “No. You show no commitment. You see no gifts, only an ordeal. Something to tolerate until I release you to play with that stupid police girl and those ridiculous cannon fodder meat sacks you sing to in the barracks.” Indignant words formed on my tongue but I forced them back. He wanted me angry. Wanted me frightened.

He loosened his grip and I thought he was going to push me away in disgust but instead he slid one of his hands up the back of my neck and twined his fingers into my hair. “And Walter.” He said yanking on my hair, bending my neck and forcing back my head so that I was staring right up into those soulless, red eyes. “What has Walter ever done for you beyond a servants duty? A few moldy books and a cup of tea and your filled with gratitude? He stops one stupid haircut and suddenly he is some hero? You choose him as your guide? I am your teacher, not he. You are mine to train. I should tear every single hair from your ungrateful little head.” He said, yanking back even harder on my hair.

I hissed in a short painful breath but did not speak.

“Have you nothing to say Angel? Do you deny that you are nothing more than a sad, whiny, pathetic little nothing of a creature on whom I am wasting my time? Have you anything to say to convince me that you are anything but useless?”

I bit my lip.

“Well?” He demanded.

“How am I supposed to be of use to you if you will not tell me what you want? How am I to train if you won't tell me what it is I am to accomplish?” I said as calmly as I could. I was angry and afraid but knew yelling would only lead to more pain. “How can I use my gifts if you won't even tell me what they are?”

“Paugh! Idiot girl, you don’t think. How can I teach you if you are not ready to learn? Why should I give you power if you are not capable of keeping it? You are like the child who wants to be given cake but will not learn to bake it. Stupid and spoiled!” He pulled his hand abruptly away from my head taking a good hunk of hair with it. My eyes watered but I did not cry out.

He gave me an appraising look then placed his hands back on my shoulders and began running his thumbs along my collar bone. “Think Angel, think. What is it that I give you here? What lesson do I teach?” His thumbs ran up again along my throat coming to rest gently on either side of my windpipe.

Fear? I thought. No. Fear is too easy for him. He can get that from anyone.

“What is it that I give you Angel? It’s a simple question.” He dug his fingertips into my shoulder blades, his thumbs began pressing into my throat.

“Pain.” I said between gritted teeth “You give me pain.”

“Yes Angel,” he said smiling, “but why? Why do I give you pain?”

Because you are an evil sadistic bastard, I thought but did not say. He heard it anyway. His smile broadened a bit. “Yes Angel but what lesson does it teach?” He dug his fingers in deeper and pressed harder against my larynx. “What is the lesson?”

Stay calm and think. “To stay on guard?” I asked.

“No, idiot! You already know that one. Stop guessing and tell me. You know the answer.”

His thumbs pressed harder. I was having trouble breathing. I struggled not to panic. What was the lesson? What did he want from me? The pain was becoming unbearable. I had to focus my mind and think. There was no way to stop the pain or fight it, he was too strong. I had to find a way through it, past it so I could not let it distract me so I could concentrate... Oh God it hurts I can’t take it!

Something in my brain snapped. Survival instincts kicked in and suddenly I was there. At the bottom, clinging to my emotional bedrock . Staring at the cruelly simple answer.

He was chocking me so hard now that I could not speak, I could only gurgle. I was close to passing out, everything was going black but I did not panic. I knew. I knew the answer.

I tightened my grip on the core of all that it was that made me Corrine and allowed my self to bend and flow as I was buffeted by the pain. The blackness rolled and tumbled all around me like a riptide but I just clung to that bedrock and let it flow over me, through me, past me. I could hear the music in my head again so I quietly hummed along. No I will not, no I will not. Not go qui-et-ly.

The music grew louder. Shafts of light began to penetrate the darkness. Alucard’s face swam into view. The blood was pounding in my ears in time with the music. Not go quietly, no, no! Not go quietly, no, no! Not go qui-et-ly.

I calmly reached out and placed a hand against his chest looking into his eyes. "Pain", I thought, "is to be endured"

“Yes Angel.” He breathed. A gleam of pride entered his eye. "You begin to understand."

He did not release me but instead pulled me closer to him, placing his forehead against mine as he had done the other night, enfolding me in the dark curtain of his hair. "I have found much pleasure in your fear, much pleasure in your pain but how much more delicious you are in your strength Angel. How brightly you will shine for me through the pain. Like a beacon in a storm. It will rage down on your head but you will endure. You will call them to you Angel. You will call them and not be afraid. "

His hands slowly relaxed their grip. I found myself able to breathe again. I stumbled back a bit. I was dizzy but elated by his approval. It may seem odd but much as I am inclined to follow Walter about like a puppy, during these sessions, it is at Alucard’s feet I sit and he is the master.

How craven to think of oneself as a dog.

Perhaps this, more than anything else, is why I fear and avoid him. It is disturbing to so desperately wish to please someone who is so horribly cruel to you but this is part of the nature of the vampire. So terrifying when they are angry so attractive when they are pleased. All of their moods so disturbingly seductive to us mere mortals once we are in their thrall.

How horrible it must be for Seras to feel his constant displeasure. How strong Sir Integra must be to not only resist but to control him. As I struggled with my desire to please him, I felt new respect for that woman. She is stronger than I.

“Yes Angel?” He said. He was not looking at me, he had begun playing with the hair he had pulled from my head. Wrapping the strands around his fingers, weaving them into an impossibly intricate pattern.

“Your right you know about my being ungrateful.” I said.

He glanced up at me then back down at his work saying nothing.

“I mean you did warn me and I did promise .... I’m sorry.”

He snorted. “Don’t apologize to vampires Angel, it sets a bad precedent.”

“Yes but you’re my ... teacher.” I shuttered, I had almost said ‘master’.

He cocked an eyebrow at me then went back to work.

“I should work harder.”

“Then why don’t you?”

“Besides the fact that you are unbelievably cruel and won’t tell me what it is I am supposed to be learning?”

“Irrelevant

I took a shot. “I’m lazy?”

“True, but too easy. Try again.”

I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate but my mind would not stay put. Random thoughts and emotions kept popping up and clamoring for my attention. I have always been a bit distractable but lately it seemed I was totally adrift, both mentally and emotionally. The only time it seemed I was truly able to focus for any period of time was when Alucard was “training” me and that was because I was usually terrified and or in a great deal of pain. As Walter said, pain is an excellent training tool.

I sneaked a peek at Alucard. He was being disturbingly calm and patient, seemingly engrossed in his task, which meant I had better come up with a good answer soon or it would not go well for me. Experience had taught me that the more reasonable or nice he was, the more dangerous my life became. Overall, I preferred it when he was just mildly annoyed or disgusted with me.

I sighed and clacked my teeth with frustration. He was being so maddeningly quiet and patient it was making me jumpy.

He cocked an eyebrow and looked up at me once more. “Drawing a blank are we Angel?” He asked.

My heart jumped up into my throat. I better think fast or this would not end well for me. I shivered under that calm gaze, his fingers weaving back and forth, back and forth. I swallowed painfully. Why was I having so much trouble concentrating? I knew I should spend more time preparing for my sessions but I just couldn’t seem to focus. My mind and emotions were constantly all over the map so to speak.

Perhaps it was the trauma of the theater resurfacing or the physical stress of the tests they kept running in the lab or my overall terror of Alucard’s teaching methods. I just didn’t know why I couldn’t seem to control my mind or emotions anymore.

“Oh that.” He said dismissively as if I had spoken these thoughts aloud. “That’s just your hormones. I’ve been adjusting the levels in you glands. Nothing to worry about.”

“You what!?”

“Just a bit of tinkering with your brain chemistry, that’s all.” He said with a wicked grin.

“You’ve been messing around with my brain chemistry?”

“Just adjusting the hormonal levels.”

“My brain chemistry? Your messing up my brain chemistry!?”

“And your thyroid. You should thank me by the way for all that weight you’ve been losing.”

“Thank you? Thank you????!!!!”

“Your welcome. Here you thought it was all those stupid walks with Walter but it was me.” He said, his grin turning positively evil.

“Why would you do this? Why didn’t you tell me?”

He shrugged. “It was more fun this way.”

“Fun? I’ve been an emotional train wreck!

“That’s what made it so amusing.”

“I thought I was going insane!”

“Again, amusing. Your not going insane Angel, your just going through puberty.”

“You!” I said. “You are such a...” Words failed me. How could I possibly insult him? What could I say that wasn’t so obviously the truth? ‘Monster?’ ‘Evil bastard?’ ‘Horrible puss filled lesion disfiguring the face of the earth?’ No, he’d like that one too much.

Why was I even surprised? He was a vampire after all. A horrible undead abomination. Why wouldn’t he delight in causing me emotional distress? But still, someone should have... A thought stuck me.

“Does Sir Integra know about this?” I wanted to know just how many people were screwing with me.

“She can read a medical chart as well as the next person.”

“Yes, but does she know?”

He shrugged noncommittally

“The lab staff? Walter?”

“I’m sure Walter has figured it out by now. He’s quite clever you know.”

And if Walter knows it, Sir Integra knows it. I thought, flushing with anger and embarrassment. Why didn’t they tell me?

"Why should they tell you? Does the scientist tell the lab rat when he is spiking the cheese? Why bother?"

“I, am not, a lab rat! And you..., wait a moment.”

“Trouble with adjectives again my little rodent?

“What? No. Wait! Are you reading my thoughts?

“You're very slow today Angel. I must not be beating you enough."

"But you are aren't you? Your reading my thoughts."

"So? I've read them before."

"Yes but this feels different. More like talking instead of..."

"My ripping it out of your head?"

“Yes.”

“Yes, I will miss that part.”

“And I could hear you too but not like before. Not foggy and confusing.”

“That is because you are no longer being ensorceled, no longer being compelled.”

“Is that why you are changing my brain chemistry So that I would no longer have to be compelled in order for me to send or hear thoughts?”

“No, my blood running within you gives you this power. You have always had it.”

“But then why are you messing with my hormo...”

“No, no Angel. Don’t be distracted by the trivial. You are missing the point. Asking the wrong question.”

“Fine, then what is the right question?”

“You should be asking me why, if you have had this power all along, have you not been able to use it.”

The was a pregnant pause as he looked at me expectantly.

Sigh. “Why Alucard, if I have had this power all along, have I not been able to use it?”

“Excellent question Angel. Because you have finally decided to listen instead of fighting me all of the time.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You have some natural resistance to the command voice.”

“Command voice?”

“A form of ensorcelment. A vampire uses it to compel others to obey his commands. Now shut up and listen.”

“Sorry.”

“You had some natural resistance to the voice. That, and your strange, peevish attachment to those children, helped you to fight back in the theatre.”

“There was something else too. ...A voice...”

“Interrupt me again Angel and I will break your arm in five places.’

“Sor..eep!” I clapped my hand over my mouth. He narrowed his eyes but continued.

“When I gave you my blood, it increased your sensitivity to the presence. Had I taken you blood in turn, you would have become one of my undead servants. Totally under my command. You would have instinctively known how to listen and obey but as I left you alive and, for the most part human, you maintain your free will and therefore must be... coaxed into using your powers."

I frowned, wanting to ask him what he meant by ‘for the most part human’ but not daring to interrupt. Sensing that I would not fall into so obvious a trap, he continued his lecture.

"Humans, you see, have a much larger portion of their brains than they would care to admit which is run by a gibbering monkey. It can be useful at times, telling them not to get into the car with that stranger or walk into the tiger cage, even to lie or be selfish when it is to their advantage. The problem arises when the monkey and the rational mind come into conflict. Especially when you need to do something which seems to fly in the face of self-preservation.”

“Like allowing a vampire into your mind?” Oops!

“Exactly. It is a foolish thing to do. A vampire is a predator. You are its prey. The monkey yells and gibbers at you to stop. It is even harder for you because of your increased sensitivity to the presence. Being ensorceled or even just being near the undead, triggers a reaction. It does not matter if you are a willing participant, your body and mind will still instinctively fight back against the perceived threat.

"The human mind is not designed to hold these sorts of powers. Attempting to use them forces your brain to develop new pathways. New methods of thought. This causes pain. These powers also tap into and force you to look at portions of your psyche most humans don’t even wish to acknowledge exists. Impulses, thoughts and emotions of which Freud’s concept of the Id barely even begun to brush the surface. This causes you fear. It is this pain and this fear that causes your monkey to howl. Stopping you on the brink of using your gifts.

"With a ghoul, it is simple. There is no free will, just an empty vessel to be filled as I choose. With a vampire, there is some free will but my command and their bloodlust leads them to their darker nature. There is no pain, they have only to embrace it.

"You, Angel, have no such luxury. To find your powers you will have to walk the path of pain and fear. As you did tonight, you have to find a way past it and tap into your core, the part of you that can not be moved, in order to find the strength to tap into your power.

"Ironically it was the monkey part of your brain which showed you the way this time. You were in so much pain and fear that your very survival depended on your finding the answer you sought. Your instincts finally kicked in to protect you and so you found your core. From there you could face all that you are without judgement or fear.

"The pain, as you said, is to be endured but you must banish your fear and release much of your free will in order to let me show you your powers.

"So, there it is Angel. Pain is a prerequisite. Are you still willing to continue?”

“I have a choice?”

"No, but I like to foster the illusion.”

“...”

“Oh Angel, it will be exquisite. I have such plans for you.”

There was a hint of tender anticipation in his voice which frightened me far worse than anything else he had said so far.

“Now come here Angel.” He said and I began to step towards him. “I seem to recall that you interrupted me.”