LETTERS FROM HELLSING LI

I looked up and sagged with relief to see Seras standing in the doorway then surged upward in a panic, dumping Anders off my back in the process, when I saw the blood dripping from her hand where she clutched the blade of Zelig's knife just inches from her left eye.

"Ahhh! Seras, what did he do to you? Don't worry, I'm coming, I'm coming!" I screeched, bowling aside several armed mercenarys who happened to be in my way. I careened into the captain who had reached her before me then rebounded off Sherman before shoving my way back to her side.

"Is it bad? Let me see. Oh my poor baby! My poor, poor baby." I crooned. I kicked up such a fuss, the captain was forced to interrupt his tending of Seras' wound and relinquish her hand so that I could examine it. Tears continued to roll down my cheeks even after Seras assured me she was OK and showed me how the cut was already closing on its own.

"You see Chanson," Said the captain as he tucked me under his arm and chucked Seras under her chin. "ma pauvre carotte découpée peu, she shall be whole again quite soon." He laughed ruefully as Seras batted his hand away. "You, on the other hand are still bleeding." He said handing me a tissue. so I could staunch the nose bleed which had started back up again. "Perhaps I shall start calling you lapin de chant."

"And this reminds me...Zelig!"

Zelig, who had been standing motionless, eyes wide and round as he gazed at Seras throughout the entire exchange, finally spoke. "That," He said in a breathless reverent tone. "was absolutely outstanding."

"It bloody well wasn't!" Shouted Seras.

"Totally spectacular." He said, dreamily. "Only wish I'd thought to film it."

"I've got my camera." Offered Sherman.

"Excellent." Said Zelig clapping his hands and grinning. "Let's do it again! Ready Victoria?" He asked reaching for his boot knife.

"What? No!" Yelped Seras.

"Ow! What was that for Capitan?" Asked Zelig rubbing the back of his head where Burnadett had slapped him.

"What part of 'Hold your fire' did you not understand?" Growled the captain.

"But I didn't shoot her, I threw a knife now now didn't I?"

"Paugh!" Said the captain.

"Well, he's got a point." Said Sherman. "Ow! Wha'd I do Sarge?"

"Stop encouraging him." Said Marks.

"You see," Said Zelig deftly dodging a second smack from the captain. "The way I figured it, if it wasn't Victoria busting in here then someone had better slow whatever it was down but if it was her, well, it's not like it was going to kill her... seeing as how she's already dead."

The captain stopped, hand poised mid-strike as he digested Zelig's logic.

"Well I'll be damned." Said Marks. "He actually does have a point."

"Yes, excellent job Zelig," Said the captain sarcastically. "Wounding Victoria and making our Corrine cry was just an added bonus then, no?"

Zelig, who up to this point had been looking pretty pleased with himself, stiffened turned to me with a look of consternation. "Is this true Corrine?"

"Yes Bertie."

He walked over and peered up into my face. "But why? It makes your face all blotchy." He asked puzzled.

"Because Bertie, you hurt Seras. You hurt someone I love."

"So when I hurt Victoria, I hurt you."

"Yes Bertie."

"And made you cry."

"Yes Bertie."

"Because you love her?"

"Yes."

"Oh." He reached out and placed a finger on my cheek. "And if someone were to hurt me Corrine," He asked solemnly. "would it make you cry?"

"You know Bertie, I believe I would."

"Everyone should have someone to cry for them." He whispered, tracing the wet track of one of my tears down my face. He turned to Seras and said somberly. "I'm sorry I threw a knife at you and made Corrine cry."

You could have heard a pin drop. Zelig never apologized for anything. Ever.

"Well, no permanent harm done." Said Seras grudgingly.

"So next time, I'll just make sure Corrine's not around before I throw the knife." He said beaming up at her with inspiration.

"Aaand he's back." Said Stewart shaking his head ruefully.

"You bloody well won't!" Shouted Seras. "I'll throw it right back at that big stupid head of yours see if I don't!"

"Fair enough." Shrugged Zelig, who was always willing to suffer for his art. "But could you aim for the shoulder or the upper arm so I don't snuff it? Ah, iridescent." He said holding his finger which was still damp from my tears up to the light. "Lovely"

Seras stared at him with a mixture of horror and pity. "My God," She said quietly. "You really are insane aren't you?"

"Can't prove it in court." He said slyly as he tilted his head and shrugged one shoulder. Then his eyes lit up again and he flashed her the most charming grin. "Come on Victoria, we'll post on You Tube. It will be fantastic!"

"Probably go viral!" Said Sherman enthusiastically. "Ow! Sarge, what?"

Marks raised an eyebrow.

"Oh right, 'encouraging'." He said. "Still think it would be cool." He muttered under his breath.

"What do you say Victoria?"

"No."

"Hmmm." Said Zelig. "We'll film it in in the grotto I think."

"I said no."

"Oooo. and dress you as Artemis in a lovely white toga."

"No!"

"Will her left breast be exposed?" Asked the captain.

"Well that goes without saying."

"I like it."

"No! Never! Absolutely not! Listen to me you demented dwarf, I'm not going to do it ever!"

He sighed. "Fine you Philistine, we'll fuzzy out the naughty bits."

The assorted boos and catcalls were interrupted by a cultured and, according to sgt. Marks, satanic voice. "Much as I am sure Ms. Victoria would look positively delightful in a toga, I am afraid the non-publicity clause in her employee contract will not allow for you to continue in this endeavour Mr. Zelig. And on a possibly unrelated note, would anyone care to explain to me why it is I have found poor corporal Beddings stuffed in the supply closet and covered with jam?"

LETTERS FROM HELLSING L

The "Irish Ballad" went over so well that I was going to follow it up with "We will all Go Together When we Go" but Bulls came over and offered me a Kit Kat to sing "The Banks O'Doon" so I sang that instead. I was about halfway through "Will Ye Go Lassie Go?", (I really like Kit Kats), when Seras went to ground and Stewart and I discovered our limitations.

Seras had slipped into the catacombs under the estate and as soon as she passed the family crypt and entered the caves I lost my mental map and found it almost impossible to track her. Stewart, in turn, was learning that the signal from a small, portable tracking device rapidly loses strength through several meters of solid rock.

I needed to focus, so while Stewart muttered about redheads and tried to tweak the signal, I switched to hymns.

" I come to the garden alone..."

I can feel her...

"while the dew is still on the roses..."

but where exactly is she? I closed my eyes and let the words flow through me.

"And the voice I hear, falling on my ear, the son of God discloses..."

Suddenly, my eyes snapped open and my body began to rotate, orienting itself to face Seras' position. "She's there." I murmured, pointing roughly downward and to the left.

"And, He walks with me, and He talks with me..."

Stewart pounded away on his keyboard and cursed cheap Chinese batteries and 'bloody undead redheads'.

"And He tells me that I am His own..."

"Interesting," Said Marks. "This could have some potential."

"Hmmn" The captain said as he sidled up to me. "This is good Chanson" He said touching my shoulder. "but in what direction is she moving?"

I didn't stop singing, just raised my other arm and traced a line in the air.

"And the joy we share as we tarry there..."

"Du sud-est" Said the captain.

"none other,..."

"Some very definite potential." Said Marks as he checked his compass.

"has ever,..." .

"C'est très bon mon champignon chéri. Said Burnadett. "Now, how fast is she travelling?"

"...known."

"She's walking." I murmured then frowned, puzzled, and reached for my dictionary. "Why a mushroom? Are we out of root vegetables already? "

"Possibly." evaded the captain, as he lit a cigarette.

"I begin to suspect you have a vitamin deficiency."

"I begin to suspect you both of a deficiency." Said Marks. "Have you forgotten we are tracking a vampire here?"

"Sorry." I said trying to concentrate. I closed my eyes and tried to be good and find Seras, but it just popped out. "What about carrots? You haven't yet called me a carrot."

"Alas, there is but room for only one carrot in my heart and she has gone deep under the the ground. Will you find her for me Chanson? Will you please find ma carotte douce et croquante for me?"

"OK, now your just being creepy."

"Stop distracting her!" Roared Marks.

"She started it."

"Did not!"

He glared us both into silence.

"Got her!" Shouted Stewart triumphantly.

"Glad someone's still working." Said Marks causticity. "How'd you boost the signal?"

"Didn't have too. I tapped into the com lines we ran through the caves."

"Good thought but that won't help us when we're hunting in a location where you haven't installed your spy-ware. Now, don't give me that look Corrine." He said, turning to me. "We'll uninstall it when our contracts over...and the final payment clears."

I huffed.

"And don't you go running to that butler!"

"You mean 'der Teufel'" I asked innocently.

"Yes, him!" He said picking up Stewart's extra laptop. "I am in fact, a bit surprised that he hasn't already found and disabled...oh, fluch dumm von mir. Stewart! I want diagnostics run on all of your equipment first thing in the morning! "

"Sarge?"

"Were looking for bugs."

"Right Sarge!"

"You," Said Marks, turning to the captain. "I have an idea so, stop distracting her!" He said as he booted up the computer.

"Aren't you supposed to be the boss round here?" I whispered.

"I am, when it matters." Shrugged Burnadett. "The rest of the time, pheh, he can have it." He took a deep drag off his cigarette then wafted away in cloud of philosophical smoke.

"And you," Marks said leading me back over to Stewart. "Now, don't take this the wrong way Corrine but, shut up and sing."

I nodded and closed my eyes.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."

"Nice." Said Stewart.

"That saved a wretch like me...."

"Very nice." Said Marks. "Now,"

"I once was lost..."

"find her for me Corrine." He took my hand and placed it on the laptop screen.

"but now am found..."

"Find your little friend liebst ." He said as he released my hand.

"Was blind..."

"Show me where she is."

"but now I see..."

I pointed.

"She's dead on." I heard Stewart say.

I opened my eyes and saw a schematic of the cave system glowing on the laptop screen in front of me and that my finger was pointing to a cave on said screen that corresponded exactly to the cave on Stewart's screen with the blinking red "Seras" dot. I blinked back, amazed.

"Excellent." Said Marks, placing himself between Stewart and me so I could not see the other screen. "Now, show me where she is going."

I Smiled and closed my eyes again.

"Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear...."

It grew easier and easier as the song progressed. I just rolled along with the lyrics and occasionally pointed my finger. I didn't even have to open my eyes, I just waited for the distant sound of Stewart's voice confirming my hits. I was also vaguely aware that the Geese had gathered around me as we went on and could feel their undivided interest but I simply placed that knowledge to one side letting it add to the murmuring background noise of the living and non-living things around me.

It was almost too easy, I was literally finding Seras with my eyes closed. But then the little minx swung into the grotto and I started to pick up a second signal.

I tried to ignore it but it was like those old "silent" fans they used to have in the escalator shaft at Montgomery Ward that would whine, just on the edge of awareness, pressing in on your eardrums and vibrating against your fillings. Impossible to ignore. It was a horrible creeping wrongness that, at all costs, I could not, must not believe was real. But it was there, a persistent, unpleasant, festering void, painfully demanding my attention like a cavity. Every time I tried to bat it away and deny it, it stabbed back harder. It was like biting over and over on a piece of tinfoil. My head was pounding and I began to sweat with the effort of denial.

I became so wrapped up in defending against her diversion that I almost missed Seras exiting the cave. I muttered under my breath and cursed her mentally while I tried to refocus. Someone was touching my shoulder, trying to get my attention but I shook them off stabbing viscously at the computer screen with my finger. She wasn't getting away from me! not after that little stunt.

Somewhere in the background, I distantly heard Stewart's voice somewhere droning 'no, wrong. wrong way!' but I did not care. I had her now and she was moving fast through the stockpile caverns. up and east.

"No," Stewart buzzed, "South!"

Someone was pulling on my arm. They were beginning to annoy me. I redoubled my efforts to focus.

"Rock of Ages,..."

Seras was on a roll now. zooming under the motor pool towards the proving grounds.

"cleft for me..."

Then, just like that, she was on the surface smack dab in the middle of the obstetrical course. There must have been a hidden exit that I wasn't aware of.

"Let me hide myself in thee..."

Suddenly, I was right there with her. I felt her stretch her limbs and revel in her strength as she effortlessly leaped to the top of the climbing wall to get her bearings.

"Let the water and the blood,..."

I could feel the cool night breeze caressing our face and smell the green spring growth.

"From Thy wounded side which flowed,..."

We grinned with pleasure at the sleepy murmurs of small animals around us, matching our pulses up with the rhythm of their sweet living heartbeats, our hunger temporally dulled by sentimental yearning to hold on to this illusion of being alive once more, if only for a moment.

"be of sin the double cure,..."

We sighed, 'oh well' and turned to face the barracks.

"save from wrath,..."

Work to be done. Now, how best to approach the target?

"and make me pure..."

Hands were gripping us, shaking us. We slapped them away annoyed. Something wet and stinging cold hit our face just above our upper lip. We reached up and touched our face confused. Seras' hand came away wet from a raindrop. My hand was wet from...Whoof!

Without warning, I was enveloped in a chemical haze. I came up coughing and sputtering, my eyes watering like mad.

"What?" I gasped shoving Anders hand out from under my nose. "What are you doing! Why did you do that?"

"You were unresponsive." He said showing me the ammonia capsule he held in one hand.

"So?"

"And bleeding." He said holding up a pink tinged alcohol pad with his other hand.

"But I had her! I was locked in. I had her right here!" I shouted as I pointed to my temple. "And you made me lose her!"

"I'm sorry Corrine but you didn't." Said Stewart.

I whirled on him. "I had her." I ground out between clenched teeth.

"Sorry luv but no. You lost her just outside the grotto and have been pointing the wrong way ever since. See?" He said tapping his computer screen.

I glared at the screen and saw where my hits and the signal from the tracking device diverged. I slumped, I had been so sure.

"Its OK Corrine you were doing great till ..."

"Wait a second. Isn't that a water channel ?" I asked tracing the path Stewart's computer said Seras had taken with a finger.

"Yes, so?"

"So your telling me that Seras ran into the grotto, jumped off the bridge into freezing cold water, swam down the canal, waded through the settling pools then...., crawled through a 12 inch feeder pipe so she could paddle around in leisurely circles in the cistern?"

"What is this?" Barked Marks. Grabbing the screen.

"As opposed to her barrelling through solid rock and tunnelling under the motor pool? Yes."

"So she what, collapsed her skeleton and grew gills?"

"No, she chewed through solid rock and popped out of the ground like a daisy!"

"Oh don't be stupid."

"Stupid!"

Marks slammed the computer back down on the table. "So which is it? Is she a fish or a mole now?" He asked glaring at us.

I opened my mouth to answer, then hesitated because:
a, there was probably a reason the Geese didn't know about the tunnel under the motor pool &
b, they had automatically assumed I was the one who lost track of Seras. Jerks!

"She could, I suppose be a platypus, they both swim and burrow...or an otter." Offered Zelig.

"An otter?!" Shouted Marks.

"Well a river otter maybe." I mused. My feelings were still a bit hurt.

"Otters? Cuttlefish! What is it with you two and the zoology lessons today?"

"An artist. A true artist should study and understand his subjects." Said Zelig smugly.

"I watch a lot of PBS." I shrugged.

"Ridiculous!" barked Marks. "This gets us nowhere."

"Perhaps, because you miss the obvious." Said the Capitan strolling back over in a blanket of Turkish smog.

"Do, tell." Growled Marks.

"Well, you see our little Corrine here, she did not actually claim that Victoria tunnelled her way out of the caves did she?"

"Well, no but..."

"Perhaps, this is because the tunnel was already there. Perhaps what you should have asked yourself mon amie was where, in this cavern," He said tapping the screen. "a tunnel entrance could be hidden no?"

"But we've thoroughly searched those caverns Blaven even pinged them with the sonar when..."

"The weapons lockers!" Said Blaven smacking his hand on his forehead. "The auxiliary units behind the machine shop. They was already installed before we got here and it were them regs*, not us, that moved the merchandise into that particular area."

*Regs; regular soldiers or as Griffin liked to put it, "The poor slobs who hav'ta follow regulations as well as orders.". In this case, Capt. Chamber's men.

"Hmmn that butler did oversee the final mountings in that area himself but he did that for the main weapons lockers as well. Still, all that lead and steel might mask a tunnel from the sonar and the frames of the lockers would definitely conceal any seams that might normally give the entrance away...It's the perfect little bolt hole."

The captain nodded. "Hidden in plain sight, easily barricaded, one maybe two men could cover your escape."

"You could even re-arm yourself on the way out. Marks continued.

"And all that ammo." Said Zelig. "Probably has the whole cave rigged to blow once they're clear. Ha, genius!"

Griffin whistled in appreciation. "Total death trap. Sweet!"

"Undead trap you mean." Said Sherman. "Take a ghoul awhile to dig their way out of that. It'd even slow that Alucard down a bit I bet. No wonder they didn't want us to know about it."

"It's bloody brilliant." Said Stewart. "Perhaps Mr. Walter is the devil."

"Or works for her anyway." Said Anders.

That got an amused snort from several of the men.

"This," Said Marks. "is a very good thing to know. This, is the sort of thing that can guarantee final payment. This, is the sort of thing that bonuses are made of!" He finished rubbing his hands together with glee.

"Yeah, the 'shut your trap' variety." Snickered Griffin.

I stood gaping at them aghast. No wonder they had been kept in the dark about the escape tunnel.

"The word you are searching for Chanson is 'mercenary'." Grinned the captain.

"So where did you say the tunnel exits Corrine?" Asked Stewart.

"I didn't!" I snapped.

"Here, by the motor pool?" He asked pointing to a storage shed.

"Garage makes mooore sense." Said Bulls. "Could snag a vehicle an stay unner cover while looden it." They all looked at me expectantly.

"I take it back. She's in the cistern." I evaded.

"Oh come off it Corrine." Said Stewart. "You beat me fair and square. Now, be a mate and spill."

I shook my head.

"We are your friends now ain't we Corrine?" Asked Griffin crowding into my space.

I nodded warily.

"So, friends share." He said, reaching out and plucking an invisible piece of fluff from my hair. He leaned in and rumbled in my ear. "Why not be a good friend and share now?"

"Go play with Nurse Pringle, Hoss." I said pushing him away with a finger.

"Aww Come on Rin, play nice and tell us."

I thinned my lips and shook my head mulishly. I'd done enough damage to Hellsing for one night.

"Leave her be!" Growled Marks elbowing the Griffin mountain to one side. "We understand liebst." He nodded to me. "Loyalty's a complicated thing for people with scruples. It's why I avoid having them. You don't have to tell us. We'll figure it out on our own. Give this idiot something better to do than put his hands where they don't belong." He said warningly to Griffin. "Someone might just chop off his arm and feed it to him one day."

"Has everyone forgotten that we are tracking a vampire here?" Asked the Captain mimicking Marks' voice as he pulled out and frowned at his BlackBerry. Marks had his out as well and Stewart had swung back around to his computer screen and was typing like crazy. "Speaking of which, something has tripped several perimeter alarms. Perhaps it would be wise to see if it is your little friend before we shoot it no?" He said glancing at me.

"Yes!" I agreed and closed my eyes in preparation but before I could so much as sing a note, there was crashing sound and the tinkle of breaking glass overhead followed by a strangled scream in the corridor.

Marks cursed and stepped in front of me. All of the Geese had drawn their weapons.

The door burst open and I was pushed to the ground knocking the breath out of me before I was able to shout "No, don't shoot!". Someone was on top of me shielding my body I desperately tried to buck him off me terrified for Seras so I almost missed Burnadett's barked order to "Hold your fire!" just as Seras burst into the room singing "Rock of Ages" at the top of her lungs.

"While I draw this fleeting br...bloody hell Zelig watch where you're throwing those things."

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLIX

"I'm afraid this is really going to be annoying for Seras." I said.

"Oh yes?" asked the captain hopefully.

"Try not to look too thrilled." I said. "You got her cell number?"

"Speed dial one." He said pulling out his phone and grinning.

"OK. Don't call her yet. Just be ready."

And so, much to Seras' exasperation, began "The Great Vampire Hunt". Well maybe "Great" is bit of a stretch but the title "The Highly Educational Yet, Terribly Interesting And Vastly Entertaining Search for Seras across the Hellsing Estate" while more accurate is, in my humble god-like opinion, a bit too convoluted for public consumption.

Basically; I sang, Seras ran and the captain made crank calls.

Specifically; I demonstrated my new-found ability to locate and track the movements of the undead from a "relatively" safe distance.

It was a bit like the method I had been using to send messages and images to Seras for the last couple of weeks but, instead of throwing balls of thought at her to catch; I was casting my awareness out like a net to find her position without actually sending her any sort of message. It's a bit like sonar but instead of using sound, I was using thought to "see" without being seen or sensed rather.

It was the not the sensing part for me that had been hard to learn. At this point, I could find Seras in my sleep but the not being sensed part, that was much harder and according to Alucard, being quite key to my future survival in the field, the reason for my most recent set of bruises.

I am apparently clumsy as an ox and loud as, well, a “stupid, clumsy ox” on the psychic plane. It was annoying enough, he said, that he had to listen to me "squawking" at the top of my mental lungs as Seras and I "blathered on and on like idiots", but one moronic misstep while I was scanning a building for vampires and I would not only give away my physical location but expose myself to a possible mental backlash that could leave me brain dead, if I were lucky or howling, gibbering mad if I were not. Gosh, he's fun. So he taught me how to make my general thoughts more diffuse so they would blend in with the background and create a sort of mental white noise while I was casting out and sifting through the echoes in my net.

Here, is where the quick have a slight advantage over the dead. You see, life is everywhere and living things, even if it is on the most rudimentary level, think and thinking creates waves or noise if you will, on the psychic plane. And humans, apparently, make a lot of noise. Not, according to Alucard, because we are sentient or self aware but because we are so unbelievably self-centered. From our first breath to our last, we humans literally sing a non-stop chorus of "Me, me, me, me, I, I, I!”. When I pointed out to him that he was without a doubt, hands down, the most egotistical, self centered creature I had ever met, he laughed and said of course he was and rightfully so but vampires, already being aware of their extreme superiority over all living things, felt no need to muck up the aether chuntering on about it. That, and the fact that one vampire is just as likely to attack and destroy another vampire just for the fun if it, or maybe that was just him. Either way, not so much noise.

So, the advantage for me then was that a human can theoretically learn to blend their thoughts in with the thoughts of the quite literally millions of their fellow living creatures in a given acre but the undead are usually quite spare on the ground and therefore, once you knew what to look for, much easier to spot. Think of it this way, if you had a portable brain wave scanner pointed at a goldfish, you could expect at least some reading be it the smallest of wiggles, you would not however expect any reading from say a grandfather clock or bowl of soup*.

*Should you get such a reading from a grandfather clock, I suggest you check for mice. Should you get such a reading from your soup, I suggest that you immediately throw it away.

At first, I tried to just be background noise when looking for Seras and not human at all, just a random living thing. I tried thoughts like “How lovely to be an ant today” and “perhaps I can grow my roots a bit deeper to reach that water.” But what came across to Seras was more like: “OK, so, I’m an ant now, hmmm...What do ants think?...‘EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY’... OK, T.H. White notwithstanding?...‘Mammy, mammy, mammy’...Ack! No stop it...Perhaps if I were a plant...Plants need water so...OWW!...Did he just throw a grape at me?..." and so on.

So after Alucard's gentle prompting I worked on being human background noise. Just a generic human no one in particular. Certainly no one who had any interest whatsoever in vampires or other such non-existent nonsense. This went over almost as well as the ant disguise. You know how when a cat pretends it is not in the least bit interested in the bird hopping a few feet away from it? Well, I was the cat, Seras was the bird and Alucard was a big pile of rocks landing on my head.

Eventually, after much bruising and an ear full of raspberry juice, (where does he get all of that fruit?) I finally hit on a method that would focus most of my random and subconscious thoughts away from the task at hand while also masking my scans as background noise but still leaving me nominally aware of my surroundings.

I sang.

When I sing, I tend to sing loud, both on the physical and psychic plane and when I really get into a song I start broadcasting my thoughts and emotions across those planes as well. These broadcasts can be used to both mask and enhance my ability to sweep a given area for the non-living. So instead of hearing "Gee, I wonder if there are any vampires about?" they hear "Do wah ditty ditty dum ditty do." or something of the kind. It was so annoyingly simple, I could of kicked myself.

The tricky part is to not think about what you are doing and learning not to get distracted while you are doing it. That, apparently, is where the fruit comes in. Because believe me, having odd bits of produce hurled at you with inhuman force at unpredictable intervals is very distracting. Not to mention painful, sticky and more than a bit humiliating. But if a piece of my pride and the ability to wear short sleeve shirts in public is the cost I have to pay to save the life of one of my boys, it's a bargain. Just don't tell them that. They're cocky enough as it is.

It was pretty routine at first. I would tell the captain where Seras was then he would call her up and confirm her location, then he would harangue her with a description of several interesting things that a young, healthy and exceptionally flexible couple could do with each other in that particular room. Normally I would chastise him but Stewart needed time to track her signal and many of his suggestions were quite intriguing. It's been a very long time and I'm only human.*

*No really, I got the all clear about a week ago from the lab staff. I am altered but now officially, "mostly human".

...Anyway.

It worked splendidly for about 20 minutes and six rooms until a particularly intriguing scenario involving a card catalog drawer and one of the rolling ladders in the library put forth by the captain, caused Seras to throw her cell phone into the fireplace. Stewart tried to bring her another one but she merely thanked him sweetly then promptly locked it in her sock drawer.

So much for that, I thought but a clever Stewart had secreted a tracking device on her uniform so we were back in business. Only this time, instead of pinging Seras and waiting for conformation of her location, we were able to test my ability to track her movements in, real time.

It was kind of surreal, but in a fun way. I would be rolling along singing, say a Jim Croce song, and seemingly random words and phrases would slide into the lyrics such as, "...and if you go down there you'd better just beware of she's in the laundry room..." or "...I'm in love with a roller derby rose parlor..." and the like. And once Seras got warmed up to the game, it became a real challenge to keep track of her. She's sneaky and can move real fast.

I even managed, for the most part, not to get distracted by what was going on around me. I slipped a bit when I made the mistake of starting to sing "Like a Prayer" forgetting Griffin's visceral dislike of all things Madonna. Personally, I can take her or leave her but I've always sounded good singing that particular tune so I went for it. But then I had to listen him him gripe about how annoying Madonna was coupled with Sherman's "At least she's sexy, now that Sade, she's annoying...and bald." ??? A point which Griffin grudgingly conceded 'but still'...

"...When you call my name it's Sinéad O'Connor..." I sang at them.

"Where the what?" Asked Stewart hands pausing above his keyboard where he was plotting my sightings over his tracking signal.

"...I want to take you portrait gallery..." I corrected.

Stewart narrowed his eyes at us but resumed typing.

"That's right," said Sherman, "Sade's the one with those pouty lips."

"Right." Said Griffin. "Nothin annoying bout those lips. Not-at-all. You can sing a Sade song if ya like Corrine, I won't mind. Just no more Madonna."

"Or Sinéad O'Connor." Added Sherman.

"Right." Agreed Griffin. "Too annoying." ... "So, ya gonna sing a Sade song Corrine?"

I clacked my tongue against my teeth trying to to focus on not focusing. Lips indeed. I only wish I knew any Sinéad O'Connor songs. Annoying? I'd give them annoying. I'd give them annoying real loud.

"I had a dream, a dream about you, baby. It's gonna come true, baby. They think that we're through, but baby,..."

"What the bloody..?" Yelped Stewart.

"...You'll be swell! You'll be great! She's just now at the east gate..." I sang disgustingly satisfied with myself.

"You two, leave her alone before it gets worse."

"What could be worse than Ethel Merman?" Asked Sherman.

I grinned evilly.

"No, Don't!" Shouted Stewart who was more familiar with my repertoire.

But it was too late.

"Wave your little hand and whisper So long dearie..."

"Dear God what is that?" Barked the captain.

"...You ain't gonna see me anymore..."

"Carol Channing." Sighed Stewart.

"...And when you discover that your life is dreary..."

"It's quite, loud." Offered Marks.

"Don't you come a knockin' at my door..."

"Yes." Agreed Stewart.

"...cause I'll be all dolled up And singin' that song..."

"And kinda scary." Added Sherman.

"... That says you dog, I told you so..."

"Yep, she dead on perfect so,..."

"...So wave your little hand and whisper

So long dearie..."

"bugger off will you before she decides to do the second verse!"

The were several cries of distress and promises of good behavior and one 'I kind o' like it' from Bulls before they hit him.

"Dearie, should have said so long
So long ago!!!!"

I finished with a flourish and took a sip of Fresca.

Stewart raised a questioning eyebrow.

"She doubled back at the proving grounds and is headed back towards the front entrance." I said smugly.

He grunted and typed in the coordinates.

"Pretty cocky she is for a vampire's piñata." Muttered Blaven.

I sucked in an indignant breath and scanned my mental catalog of obnoxious songs prepared to make ears bleed.

"How bout a nice ballad?" Asked Marks quickly offering me another Fresca.

"Of course." I said sweetly. "How kind." murmured taking the offered soda.

"About a maid I'll sing a song,

Sing rickety-tickety-tin..."

"You have to love a girl who can sing Tom Lehrer." Said Marks smiling.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLVII

Several thoughts raced through my mind in that moment not the least of which was astonishment that a man with only one eye could have such excellent depth perception and, of course, a mental note to kill Griffin. But first and foremost was the sinking realization that I was way in over my head. Fortunately, the one upshot to being trained by a vampire is that you learn to think fast and move even faster. I mean, once you've decided between fight and flight, it's just a question of looking for the exits.

"Well..." I said, then snatched the bowl of popcorn from Blaven's hands and threw it at the captain's head while simultaneously launching myself up and over the back of the couch. I landed with a thump, on my bad shoulder of course, muttered under my breath then popped up just in time to see an explosion of popcorn wash over a retuning Sherman and Anders as the bowl hit the wall inches from the door frame.

"What in God's name...?" Said Anders.

"Nimble little minx ain't she?" Said Sherman plucking a kernel off of his shoulder and tossing it in his mouth.

"Sure is." Said Marks. "I mean girls often run from the Capitan, just usually not that fast."

"Shut it." Said Burnadett.

"I was eating that." Said Blaven reproachfully.

"You too."

"Now Chanson, this is just silly." He said stepping around the sofa towards me. I backed away, carefully keeping the bulk of the couch between us while mentally calculating the distance to the door.

"Tut, tut Chanson," He said wagging his finger at me. "We both know I will beat you to that door." I knew this to be true. I haven't voluntarily run since my sophomore year of high school.
"Come back to me mon radis épicé and all will be forgiven."

"Did you just call me a radish?"

"I but express my tender feelings for you mon igname de chine visqueuse. Now come over here this moment or I will tackle you to the ground."

I edged a little further away from him.

"Fine, I promise not to spray you with the hose."

I hesitated, uncertain.

"Come now, " He said extending his arm out to me, palm up. "I just wish to talk, nothing more honnête."

"Ha!"

"You doubt my honesty?'

"Always."

"She is a smart one." Said Marks.

"Then we are at an impasse."

"Give Griffin back his chip." I said.

"What?"

"You heard me."

"You wound me Chanson."

"You'll get over it. Give Griffin back the chip and tell him the deal is off and I'll come over."

"She's got your number Pip." Said Marks.

The captain crossed his arms and gave me a speculative look. "Perhaps she does mon aime, perhaps she does." He threw back his head and laughed. "Very well Chanson, I give you your way. My apologies Griffin," He said tossing back the chip. "but one must always defer to the ladies."

"Aww Cap'n."

"...and our Corrine is, above all things, a lady." He held out his hand to me as I walked over. "Is she not?"

"Well, yeah." Said Griffin despondently.

"Told you." Said Stewart, winking at me.

It's not ladylike to stick out your tongue so I settled for a dainty roll of the eyes.

"Now that is better." Said Burnadett settling me back on the couch and sitting on the arm. "I still can not comprehend why you were so difficult. Is it, you know," He bent over me and whispered. "your woman's time?"

I pushed him off the couch.

"Is that a yes?" He asked rolling gracefully to his feet.

"No!"

"Then why...?"

"I was trying to prove a point."

"This point being?"

"How utterly impossible it is to deal with you when you won't stay on topic or give a straight answer."

"When have I ever done this?" He asked astonished.

"You do it to Seras all the time. She can't have a single conversation with you without you reciting a dirty limerick, singing a bawdy song or just asking her inappropriate questions about...about..."

"About?" he said grinning.

"About...Inappropriate things." I finished lamely.

"Ahh Chanson I see," He said taking my hand in his. "and I am so flattered that you wish to imitate me but, sadly, my sweet friend you are doing it all wrong."

"What?"

"Surely you see that you lack the gentle timing, the subtle wit needed for proper teasing."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning, when I do it it is funny and charming. When you do it, well, it's just annoying."

I gasped.

"It is not your fault Chanson." He said patting my hand like I was a small child. "Some people just aren't clever enough that's all."

I pulled my hand from his grasp. "You! You...arrgh!

"I think it's cute the way she can't say it." Said Stewart.

"What do you expect, I heard her say 'fudgesicles' when she hit the floor earlier." Said Blaven.

"I like when she says 'Jiminy Cricket'." Offered Zelig. "Makes me think of Disneyland."

"Then there's 'sugar beets'" Said Griffin.

I covered my face with my hands .

"Aww it's OK Corrine." He said. "We all think it's cute but really there are some word's, ya know natural words between a man and a woman and sometimes between a man and a ..."

Marks smacked Griffin on the head. "Why don't you save up that charm for nurse Pringle."

"I've got plenty enough to share round Sarge... Ow!"

"Trust me, you don't."

"Have you even asked her yet?" Interrupted an exasperated Anders

"Hadn't quite gotten to that yet." Said Stewart. "The Capitan was having too much fun."

"I was working my way round to it." Said Burnadett.

"Oh for the love of..." Said Anders striding over to me. "Corrine, we want to know if that vampire is still using us as an excuse to hurt you during training."

"Now what would make you ask a silly question like that?" I said looking down at my feet.

"Just answer." Said Anders.

"No, of course not." I said to the ceiling.

"Oh, that's just sad." Said Stewart.

"Pathetic," Agreed Griffin. "Forest Gump wouldn't buy that one."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, Chanson, that you are possibly the worst person at lying that I have ever met." Said Burnadett shaking his head in wonder. "How have you managed to survive this long in this modern age?"

"I..."

The captain stopped me, placing his hands on my shoulders and looking deep into my eyes. "Cuts and bruises and broken bones are fine, expected even as you say, during training. You can pierce, tattoo, even brand yourself on your own time no matter. It is not our business or concern. But, that vampire, using threats against us to force you to endure abuse, that Chanson, is our business and not to be tolerated."

I looked up from his solemn gaze to the earnest expressions reflected around the room. A bunch of school-yard bullies, the lot of them, banding together to defend their geeky sister from the baddest bully of them all. It was totally unnecessary and stupidly suicidal but ever so wonderful of them to even think it.

"Oh," I said, choking up with emotion. "Oh that's so...thank you...that's sweet. I threw my arms around Burnadett's neck and gave him a squeeze. "You are all.." I said taking his face in my hands and planting a big kiss on his cheek. "so very sweet. The lot of you!" I said throwing my arms wide to encompass them all. "But totally unnecessary." I said.

" So, these bruises have nothing to do with us? Nothing whatsoever?" Asked Anders.

"Well, I didn't say that." Anders started to protest so I held up my hand. "Now let explain. No, better yet, let me show you."

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLVI

I froze, handful of popcorn halfway to my mouth. "Me?"

"You." He said.

I blinked up at him innocently. "What?"

He crossed his arms and scowled.

"Oh that. Hadn't we finished talking about that?" I asked examining a kernel before popping it in my mouth.

"No, we have not."

"Are you quite sure? I felt certain we had finished." I said, tossing in three more kernels.

"Non."

"Hm num mum mum." I said stuffing the rest of the popcorn in my mouth and grabbing another handful from the bowl.

"Stop stalling Chanson. We are going to discuss this."

"Of course." I said docilely. "Oh, did you see the new girl Cook just hired?" (She asked innocuously.)

"Nice try Corrine, but it won't work." Said Marks.

"Is she pretty?" Asked Burnadett. "No, no, Marks is right. You will not distract us from this Chanson."

"Wouldn't dream of it Pip." I said amiably. "Is that a cuttlefish your carving Berti or are you moving on to Cthulhu myths?"

"Cthulhu, cuttlefish don't have legs Corrine."

"Yes but neither do most Cthulhu gods."

"True, but see he's chewing on H.P. Lovecraft here."

"Ah, yes, I see. Quite...Realistic."

"Of course."

"Zelig." Said Stewart mildly. "We weren't going to get distracted today remember?"

"Focusing right?"

"Right." Said Stewart "Shame on you Corrine." He said, wagging a finger at me.

I attempted to look chastised.

"You are talking instead of listening Chanson."

"Yes, of course, I'm all ears." I said.

"They're my favorite you know?" Said Zelig.

"What?" I asked.

"Cuttlefish. they're my favorite invertebrate."

"Mine too!"

"I love how they change color and shape at will, I wish I could do that. If I could do that I could be my own art all the time." He sighed.

"Zelig!" Roared the Captain.

"What? Oooh, right! Focusing."

"And you." Growled Burnadett turning back towards me. "No more talking unless you are answering my direct questions."

I mimed locking up my mouth and tossing the key.

The captain shook his head and sighed. "Now Chanson, it is not so much the bruises as it is..." He frowned at me as I plucked an ice cube from my water glass and began sliding it down my neck. "As it.... What are you doing?" He asked, interrupting himself.

"It's hot in here." I said.

"It's not that hot." He said.

"It's stifling!" I argued, sliding the ice cube back up my neck.

Marks snorted and shook his head grinning.

The captain pointed an angry finger at me and opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Griffin. "Jet," He said to Blaven. "I will give you 50 to make her spill that whole glass down her shirt."

"What?" I yelped, accidentally dropping the ice cube down my cleavage.

"Dollars or Pounds?"

"Dollars."

"Pfft."

"Fine, pounds."

"Eh" Said Blaven.

"75" Said Griffin staring intently at the spreading damp spot on the front of my shirt. Why oh why did I wear white today?

"Wellll."

"You stay out of this Griffin!" I yelled.

The captain placed his fists on his hips and tilted his head at me. "Non Chanson, you started this show for everyone but I warn you, mon petit navet, Griffin, he always calls the bluff and Blaven will do anything for money."

"True." Said Blaven.

I slammed the glass down on the coffee table as far away from him as possible.

"Hey!" Shouted Zelig. "Oh no wait, hmmm" He said dipping his finger in a droplet of spilled water and tracing it along the grain. "Ahh yes, I see." He said reaching for his knife and whistling a selection from "Peter and the Wolf".

The captain pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "You," He said. "are being astoundingly annoying tonight. I am thinking that your dear mother did not spank you nearly enough as a child." He glanced at me thoughtfully for a moment. "I am thinking perhaps that I shall take Griffin's money but instead of this little glass I drag you outside and spray you down with the hose."

"Ha!" I scoffed then stiffened as I looked up at him. "You wouldn't dare."

"Ah, wouldn't I?" He said smiling crookedly. "Two things you should know about me mon cher panais, there is nothing I don't dare and..." He paused a moment to lean over me and place his hands on the back of the couch to either side of my head. "I rarely bluff."

"But..." I whispered then fell silent as he raised one arm and snapped his fingers.

I watched, horrified as a blue poker chip arced its way across the room towards us. Gaze never leaving mine, he snatched it from the air then brought his hand down before my face. "Care to risk it?" he asked holding the chip up with two fingers.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLV

"That is one spectacular set of bruises." Said corp. Sherman taking a picture of the suspiciously kiwi shaped line of marks running up the side of my calf to just above my knee. "Definitely going in the album." *

[*One of Corporal Sherman's many odd hobbies is taking pictures of "interesting" injuries and sharing them with his friends back home in West Virginia. He also enjoys fashioning jewelry from spent shell casings for his mother and sisters and preparing and eating things that most people would not actually consider food. He's quite versatile really and unabashedly, unashamedly proud of his call sign "Hillbilly".]

"You should see my right shoulder."

"Really?" he said tugging at the loose button down shirt I had pulled on over my tank top. "Holy Moses!"

"Hey! If anyone is undressing women in this barracks it is to be me and... Mon dieu! Is that a pentagram?" Said Burnadett.

"I think so." I said, twisting my head around. "I can't really see it."

"Hold still Corrine! I'm going to want a close up of this." Said Sherman. "Captain, would you hold this pen up next to it for scale?"

The Captain frowned but complied.

"Good. Now one with me in it. Will you take the picture Doc?"

"I'll shove it down your throat. Zieke aangeboren idiot." Said Anders.

He handed me an Ice pack for my leg and bent down to examine my shoulder. "And how exactly did this one happen?" He asked.

"Well, I ducked when he threw an orange at me so..." I shrugged.

"So what'd he use on you, blueberries or something?" Asked Sherman, undaunted by Anders' glare.

"Currents actually."

"Close range was it?"

"About 25 feet away."

Sherman whistled. "Impressive." He said reaching almost reverently towards my shoulder. "Such precision."

"Dwaas! Verlof alvorens ik u sloeg." Snapped Anders as he slapped Sherman's hand away.

"Oh bite me Doc! She don't mind why should you?"

Anders turned to Marks. "Please make him go away."

"Oh you give me a headache. Why don't you both go away." Said Burnadett.

"Excellent idea." Said Marks. "Both of you out."

"What! Your kidding right?" Sputtered Sherman.

"That's two laps Sherman." Said Marks who did not like to ask twice. "Now."

Sherman stomped off, muttering under his breath.

Anders looked inclined to argue as well but wisely kept his mouth shut. He instead mutely held up the ointment jar he had pulled out of his bag.

"I'll take care of it." Said Marks gently lifting the jar from Anders' hand. "You go cool off Häckchen ." He said giving him a friendly but firm shove towards the door.

Marks had turned to frown down at me so he never saw the look of pure adoration Anders gave him just before walking out the door. It was then I realized that Lukas Anders would walk though Hell and back without blinking just to bring Sergeant Marks a thimble full of water. I am not sure why as I was pretty sure that Marks had just called him a tick.

Marks shook his head "Was sind wir, zum mit ihm zu tun?" he asked Burnadett.

"Es erhält schlechter." The captain replied.

"Ich weiß." Marks turned back to me his hands on his hips. "Und was sind wir, zum mit Ihnen mein liebes zu tun?"

"Speak English for a start." I answered tartly as I pawed through my German/English dictionary**. He'd used that last phrase on me before though so I had a pretty god idea what he meant.

[**You won't last long with the Geese unless you speak at least three languages and/or are wiling to carry several language dictionaries with you at all times.***]

[*** I at one point bought this real nifty, and highly expensive, audio translation gadget online but made the fatal mistake of letting Zelig "see" it so it is now in several hopeless pieces. On the upside, I now have a lovely hi-tech broach that can swear at you in five different languages. I can't even get my money back as Burnadett pointed out the "Zelig" principle**** applies to civilians as well as Geese.]

[****If you were stupid enough to let him touch it, you deserve what you got.*****]

[ *****You will not be surprised to hear that Zelig is as proud to have a principle named after him as is of being "an excellent debater".]

"God I love a sassy woman." He said as he knelt down behind me. He unscrewed the lid and the the scent of peppermint and cloves wafted towards me. He scooped up a generous portion of the salve onto his fingers and began applying it to the bruises on my shoulder. I shivered a bit as the cold burning sensation touched my skin. He chuckled.

"It's cold." I said defensively.

He bent in close. "And here I thought it was me." He said in my ear as he ran his thumb along the edge of my shoulder blade. I shivered again.

I blushed. "Well, it's not." I snapped, feeling flustered and a bit embarrassed.

"As you say, sassy." He chuckled, giving my shoulder a final rub before handing me the jar. "but I bet Anders doesn't make you shiver like that."

I sniffed disdainfully and started rubbing the ointment on my right arm.

Burnadett cleared his throat. "If you two are quite finished playing doctor, we actually do have things to discuss."

I blushed harder and glared at him. Not quite liking the flutter in my stomach or the smug expressions on both their faces. I opened my mouth to retort but the captain held up his hand placatingly.

"Trêve, Chanson. C'est important."

"All right, shoot." I said. Turning to rub the salve on my left arm.

"We, that is, some of us..." He said gesturing to indicate himself and the others in the room. "We have some, concerns about...well, that." He said pointing to my poor, abused arm.

"What, the bruises?" I asked.

"In part, yes."

"But you guys get stuff like this all the time, worse even, just training."

"Yes, I know but..."

"Is it because I'm a girl?"

"No..."

Zelig, who had been happily carving a quazi-mythical surrealist scene into the coffee table that would have given Hieronymus Bosch the willies snorted. "Like we've never fought girls before." He turned to Stewart who was playing cards with Griffin and Bulls. "Hey remember that Mossad chick? What was her name again? "

"Which one? Adara or Miriam?"

"The one who tried to off the Capitan."

"Well they both did eventually as I recall."

"No. the first time."

"Ah, Miriam."

"Yeah Miriam." Zelig sighed wistfully. "She was wicked good with a knife."

"You guys fought against Mossad?"

"No, they hired us for a gig in Syria." Said Griffin.

"But then why did they try to kill...?"

"He has this effect on women." Sighed Marks. "It's quite tiresome actually."

"Ho, ho, quite amusing you are today." Quipped Burnadett. "She was a double agent." He said turning to me. "I caught her signalling our position to the enemy and she tried to convince me to keep quiet at the point of her knife so..." He shrugged.

"Why do I suspect I don't want to know what that 'so' means?" I asked.

"Because you, Chanson, are a smart girl." He replied.

"Hmm," I said. "And the other one? This Adara?"

"Ah, well, that you may say was more in the nature of a misunderstanding." Said the Captain.

"Misunderstanding?" Snorted Marks. "More in the nature of you not being able to keep your lips or other disgusting body parts to yourself."

"Watch your step now, private."

"You slept with a Mossad agent?" I asked.

"No of course not. What do you take me for?"

"Then why...?"

"He slept with her sister." Said Marks.

"Oh."

"And her best friend."

"Ah."

"And her mother."

"Eeek!"

"Exactly."

"Oh Pip tell me you didn't really?"

"Who knew they'd compare notes?" Said Burnadett, giving me a sheepish smile.

"He's a menace to decent women everywhere Corrine. You and Victoria are best advised to avoid him at all cost." Quipped Marks.

"You know we're going to have to come up with a whole new set of ranks just to cover how low I'm going to bust you." Growled the Captain. Marks shrugged indifferently. It was well known that he used Velcro to attach his ever changing rank insignia to his uniforms. As long as he got his contracted percentages and the men followed orders he didn't care what rank he was.

"And your a one to talk." Continued the Capitan. "At least I didn't sleep with the cabinet ministers daughter."

"So?"

"So? We were lucky to get out of there alive!"

"Oh you exaggerate. He wasn't that mad"

"Just what every Israeli politician dreams of, a big giant Aryan kraut such as yourself to father his grandchildren."

"We got our bonus didn't we?"

"Only because he wanted those negatives destroyed and you gone."

"Exactly." Said Marks spreading his hands. "You got a bloody nose and I got us a bonus. Who's the menace now?"

"You are." Said the Captain grinning. "This is why I hired you."

"Exactly." Nodded Marks smiling back.

"This is better than TV." I said to Blaven who had plunked down beside me with a bowl of popcorn. "You guys are like a soap opera, with knives and guns."

"Oui." He said. "I used to watch that Sopranos program but after I joined the Geese it just seemed boring by comparison."

"Umhm. I agreed, swallowing a mouthful of popcorn. "Excuse me." I said raising my hand for attention. "Could I get clarification on that 'negatives' statement?"

"You see," Marks said. "sometimes, after we finish a job, the people who hire us seem to forget the specific terms of our ah, verbal agreement and try to offer us more of a take it leave it sort of settlement."

"Yeah," Said Griffin. "As in take your sh-gear and leave the country or else."

"And it's not like we can un-kill people if they don't pay up." Said Zelig without glancing up from the Furies he was carving one of which had a suspiciously Sir Integra-ish cast to its scowling countenance.

"Exactly." Said Marks. "So it always pays to have some 'insurance' laid by just in case someone decides to lose his long term memory. A special little reminder for the invoice, as it were."

"You would think all of your nice shiny guns and grenades would be argument enough to pay"

"Surprisingly, this is not always the case. Some men feel they are immune to such things."

"Petty dictators, military Junta leaders...?"

"Oh no, most third world dictators have a healthy respect for the men with the guns. It's usually how they got to be dictators in the first place. They tend to appreciate the value of our services. They pay on time and in cash"

"Really?"

"Some of our best repeat customers are fascists." Said the Captain.

"No it's the petty politician from the 'civilized' industrial nation that tends to get a bit stingy when the bill comes due." Said Marks. "Especially if he's been playing fast and loose with the slush fund. So I like to make sure we have a little dirt on our clients so they won't be tempted to try and renegotiate."

"Who knew the life of a mercenary could be so complicated." I mused.


"Oui." Said Burnadett. "This is what Marks is for. He could get dirt on the Pope if he wanted to."

"True, true." Said Marks.

"Oooo." I said. "So what do you have on Sir Integra?"

Marks cleared his throat. "That's confidential."

"Aw come on spill it. Please." I asked as endearingly as I could.

"Sorry, that would be unprofessional."

I raised my eyebrows and pondered this statement a moment. "You've got nothing." I gasped.

We locked gazes for about 10 seconds then he looked away and growled. "Not a damn thing!"

"Is that unusual?"

"It's unheard of." Said the Captain. "No one gets to where she is without doing some very naughty things and Marks can always find them."

"You can barley find proof that she exists much less anything incriminating. Not like her father, Mein Gott, the things that man did makes Pip look a saint. "

"Wow!" I said glancing at Burnadett. "Maybe there's nothing there. She's pretty straight laced."

"No one is that clean." Said the Captain.

"I tell you it's that damn butler of hers! Everywhere I look, he's been there, fixing the witnesses and scrubbing the files. No one will talk. I swear, er bin der Teufel!"

"He is quite good isn't he?" Said Burnadett with a smirk. "It's almost uncanny how he keeps ahead of you so thoroughly"

"He is der Teufel I tell you but he won't beat me!"

"Well, I guess it's part of his job you know to cover Hellsing's tracks."

Marks narrowed his eyes at me. "Oh yes, I forgot, you like that officious, annoying man. How disappointing of you."

I glared at him. "You should just be thankful I like annoying people or we might not be on speaking terms right now."

Marks glared back at me as if he wanted to order me to do two laps.

"Oh, you are just angry that there is someone out there who can do something better than you for once." Said Burnadett. "It's about time, helps to build the character."

"Then you must have a very well built character at this point."

"Such humour out of you today! I am thinking to add the rank of slug or worm to the list. Whichever is lower. "

"Worms are longer." Said Griffin.

"But slugs are taller." Said Stewart.

"Worm it is." Said the Capitan. "Perhaps even a tape worm. Zelig!"

"Sir?"

"I want a tape worm insignia designed and ready by 16:00 tomorrow."

"Got it!"

"Besides," He said turning back to Marks. "I do not care if Mr Dollneaz or his mistress is Satan himself, as long as the bill is paid on time, which it is, every month, like clockwork. I would spend more time worrying about der Teufel in the basement then the ones upstairs if I were you mon ami.

"And this reminds me." He said turning back to me.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLIV

'Thwack'

"Ouch!"

"Try Again."

'Thwack'

"Ouch!"

"Wrong. Try again."

Thwack'

"Ouch! Hey! stop it!"

"No."

"But.." 'Thwack!'

"Shut up and concentrate."

"How am I supposed to concentrate when you keep throwing..." 'Thwack "Ouch! That hurt!"

"Stop wingeing you useless girl it's only grapes."

"Frozen grapes."

"Pft!"

"Hurled with inhuman force."

"Ungrateful infant!"

'Thwack' "Ow!", 'Thwack' "Ow!", 'Thwack' "Ow! Hey! that was a strawberry, you could poke an eye out with that!"

"Cowardly, whining wretch! You mewl over a few bruises from fruit? If you cannot concentrate when hit by a harmless bit of food, what are you going to do in the field when the ghouls attack and bullets start flying. Tell your friends die more quietly as their screams are distracting you?"

"That's not fair!"

"Fair? Fair! Fair is for the nursery, not the battlefield! I have neither the time nor the patience for fair.

"Much as I, am indifferent to the lives of those sad, disposable, dogs of war you seem so fond of, every turning, every death weighs on the heart of the master. It is for her and her alone that I train you but I would think that, if only for the sake of those sad mongrels, you would be willing grow a backbone and learn."

"You could have said..."

"And you should have trusted me! You trusted me with your life in that theatre. Will you trust me now to teach you to save theirs? "

"Yes. but?"

"What?"

"Could we possible switch sides for awhile? My left arm is going numb."

"Of course Angel, we wouldn't want you to not be able to feel your 'distraction' now would we?"

Sigh. "No, of course not."

'Thwack'

"Ouch!"

"Try Again."...

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLIII

The next few days went rather well. I passed my basic driving test on the Tortoise and was rewarded by Bulls and Griffin with a little topless hula doll for the dashboard. Anders had a fit and kept trying to throw it out the window until Sgt. Marks somewhere, somehow found a tiny little Hooter's tee shirt to put on her. It was still offensive but no longer obscene.

"I'll get rid of the damn thing yet." Anders said as he tried to pry her off the dash with a scalpel. He had managed to slice through the prior three double sided adhesives so Bulls had used Gorilla glue this time.  Anders and Walter were taking turns giving me 'defensive urban combat' driving lessons (dodging mines and IEDs, Plowing through rubble, running over enemy combatants, you know, the easy stuff.) so he he often sat with me while I navigated the course and Walter or one of the Geese tried to "kill" us. Zelig and Griffin were enthusiastic but often predictable. Burnadet was subtle and sneaky but not quite so bloodthirsty. But if we were playing against Walter or Sgt. Marks, they killed us every time.

It's a good thing they don't seem to like each other very much, because if they ever teamed up, they could rule the world.

-----------

Miss Pringle had unofficially set up headquarters in Dr. Levin's office refusing to come out whenever Zelig or his enthusiastic 'assistant' were in the lab. A poor, lovelorn, Griffin was reduced to slipping her love poems under the door and Andrew was practically counting his winnings.

"I don't think she much likes Limericks." Said Zelig as we listened to the sound of the paper shredder running behind closed doors. "I told you to try the haiku."

"It was too esoteric." Said Griffin. "I didn't want ta be too subtle."

"No chance of that." Said Zelig.

"Besides, It didn't even rhyme. Poems are supposed to rhyme."

"Yes, 'bench press' and 'French maid's dress' do almost rhyme." Said Zelig.

"I thought it rather clever actually." Said Seras.

"Hmmm," Said Zelig. Maybe she didn't like the dress reference. You know, like you don't take her profession seriously and you equate nursing to being like a maid."

"You think?"

"Well, women are always quite touchy about clothing and such."

"True."

"Perhaps, it was too short. Perhaps if we finished that sonnet. "

"Yeah, but I'm just totally stuck on rhyming up bicep and if I try to pull it out, the whole stanza falls apart."

"Art is never easy." Said Zelig. "How's the ballad coming?"

"Eh."

Andrew rubbed his hands together with glee.

"Don't get cocky." Said Stewart.

"Hard not to." Said Andrew. "Your boy's a bit of a disaster and our Miss Pringle is made of steel."

"Ah, but many a 'disaster' has been known to bend steel." Andrew laughed.

"At this rate he won't even rust her."

"Care to wager another ten on that?"

"Hate to take your money 'old chap'." Said Andrew. "But I need a new stereo for the car."

"Adore taking your money 'old bean'," Said Stewart putting on his best P.T. Barnum face, "but I tell you what, bump it up another ten and I'll throw in my XM radio I'll even install her for you, if I lose."

"Done." Said Andrew as he shoved a twenty at me and Stewart handed me a ten.

"I don't have hold the stupid stereo for you do I?" I grumbled, stuffing the money down my shirt. I need to start wearing pants with pockets to the lab.

"No but it would certainly fit." Said Stewart eying my chest appreciatively.

I snorted and shoved at his rolling chair with my foot.

"Book!" he shouted to Zelig as his chair bumped into a table.

"Excellent." Said Zelig. taking down the details. "Victoria?"

Seras eyed a very satisfied looking Stewart with suspicion then shook her head.

Zelig shrugged. "How bout you Doctor Levin? Care to back your horse with a fiver? I'll cover it."

"Bicep, tricep, flycep.." Muttered Griffin.

Dr. Levin smiled and reached for his wallet. Then stopped. He looked from Griffin to Zelig to Stewart then back at Griffin. A good long look. He shook his head and chuckled. "I think I'll sit this one out boys." He said.

"Smart man." Said Griffin. "If we're all done playing then?" Stewart nodded and Zelig closed his little book. "Good. Cause I've got me a little nurse to catch and we all know how I feel about nurses."

"Never seen you throw one back yet Porn." Said Stewart.

"Go get her." Said Zelig Grinning.

Griffin cracked his knuckles then stretched and flexed like a big cat before casually strolling over to the door to Dr. Levin's office. "Nice professional gal like nurse Pringle needs ta see a man's resume before she makes up her mind." He said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a DVD. He drummed his fingers gently against the frosted glass and said. "I gotta go baby but I'll leave ya a little something ta put under your pillow tonight." He brought the DVD to his lips and gave it a kiss before crouching down to slide it under the door. "Sweet dreams Nurse Pringle."

"What was that?" Asked Andrew suspiciously.

"Just a few highlights from my brief but illustrious film career."

"You were in the movies Griffin?" I asked. "I didn't know that."

Griffin looked at me and blushed. "Yeah, well, they was what you might call independent films of a specialized nature."

"What?" said Seras. Stewart snorted and grinned while Dr. Levin stared pointedly at the ceiling. "Ohhh. Eww!"

"Now hang on." Said Andrew. " You mean to tell me that you just slipped Miss Pringle..."

"Nurse Pringle. Show some respect." Said Griffin.

"Nurse Pringle." Said Andrew. "You mean to tell me you just slipped Nurse Pringle a video nasty?"

"No."

"Well thank Goodness for tha..."

"I slipped her highlights from several 'video nastys'. The good parts, ya know, with me in um."

"Dear God, your a dead man."

"Care to wager on that?" Said Stewart."

"No." I shouted. "No more betting. I mean it!"

"Now Corrine, it's just a bit of fun." Said Stewart.

"No!"

Zelig shrugged and put his notebook away. "You, of course included "Dock Her, Dock Her?"

"Of course."

I raised an eyebrow.

"A raunchy rock and roll romp though an inner city hospital." Said Stewart.

"Oh dear." I said, eying the closed office door.

"All the ones with nurses in um." Said Griffin. "Also, I put in some of my super hero series."

"Super hero series?" I queried.

"Yeah." Said Griffin. "Let's see...there was 'Super Wham: can of steel', 'The X-rated men', played Colossus in that one.."

"Great performance but his accent was bloody awful." Whispered Stewart. I bit my tongue to keep from laughing.

"...and what else? Oh yeah I threw in part two of ' Edible Bulk: Revenge of the.." Zelig cleared his throat loudly and made a shushing gesture at Griffin. "What?" Asked Griffin.

"Not that I don't support your work and all," Said Zelig. but, well, there is a lady present."

Seras and I looked at each other then back at Zelig. 'A lady present'? As in just one?

"Oh, yes, right. Sorry 'bout that Corrine." Said Griffin.

"Oh nice." Said Seras sarcastically.

"Well don't get get you knickers in a twist Victoria." Said Zelig. "Your not a lady, your one of us."

"One of you?" Asked Seras tremulously.

"Yeah, you know, like one of the guys." Said Griffin.

"You mean, I'm one of you? I'm a Goose?" She said breathlessly.

Stewart nodded, lips quirking

"That's just brilliant!" She shouted jumping into Stewart's lap and hugging him.

"Ooof! Right, that's enough of that Victoria." Said Stewart as he shoved her off his lap. "There is positively none of that allowed in the ranks!"

"I'm a goose Corrine!" Said Seras as Stewart unwound his mouse cord from her wrist.

"You most certainly are." Said Stewart, trying not to laugh.

"That's wonderful. Oh," I said thinking it through. "does this mean I'm not?"

"What, a goose?" Said Stewart raising his eyebrows. I nodded. "Well sorry, you can't."

"Why not?"

"Because, like I said, you're a lady Corrine." Said Zelig.

"So?"

"So no ladies allowed in the Geese." Said Griffin.

"Why ever not?"

"Well, the Captain's got a saying bout ladies, 'In the bedroom, in the kitchen even on the bathroom fl..."

Zelig cleared his throat loudly.

"Oh, yes, right. Sorry Corrine. It's just a rule OK?"

"Well that seems unfair."

"Sorry Corrine, but you can be a lady or you can be a goose but you can't be both." Said Stewart.

"I find it hard to believe that you refer to yourself as a goose."

"Well, actually I refer to myself as a sexy beast but that's beside the point. You're one or the other, there is no both."

"This reminds me of that story they made us read in school." Said Andrew. "You know where the bloke had to choose between two doors."

"Right," Said Seras. "And behind one door was a pretty lady and behind the other was a tiger... What was it called again?"

"The Lady or the Tiger." I said.

"Ooo right." Said Seras. "Like the game you and the master sometimes play."

"Oh dear I hope not."

"No, no, I mean you've got to choose."

"Between the lady or the tiger?"

"No." She said disgustedly. "Lady or goose."

"The Lady or the Goose?"

"Exactly." She said. "you've got to choose which one to be."

"Aw that's easy," Said Griffin. "Lady."

"I'd rather she choose Goose."

"Are these my only choices?" I asked but they ignored me.

"Naw, she's a lady." Asserted Griffin.

"Goose!" Insisted Seras.

"Couldn't I just be a swan or something?"

"Lady, lady lady!"

"A duck perhaps?"

"Goose, goose, goose!"

"Stop!" Shouted Stewart. "Corrine, you are not a goose or a swan or any other type of waterfowl. It's not a question of what you want to be. It's how we perceive you. We see you as a lady because it's what you are. You don't get to choose."

I crossed my arms and pouted.

"Now don't get cross Corrine," Said Zelig. "Your a lady, that's better than being one of us lot any day."

"Fine." I huffed. "I'll be a lady. But I don't have to like it."

"Now, that's settled," Said Dr. Levin. "Perhaps we should move this act down the hall. Is the equipment ready Mr. Stewart?"

"Yes, I set up in the storage room as you suggested. there are no antennas, phones or intercoms of any kind in there so, we should avoid a repeat of Tuesday's 'Mary Hopkins' fiasco." (I had been singing "The Sparrow" and somehow had ended up blowing out all of the phones in the lab and half the intercoms on the first floor.)

"Sorry." I said.

"Not at all my dear." Said Dr. Levin who had decided to like me now that I could do something interesting. "It was quite informative. Expensive, but informative. Shall we go?" He said, gesturing to the door.

"Just a sec." Said Stewart as he stared at something on his laptop screen. "Aaaand, she's in!"

"Good job old man!" Said Zelig Giving Griffin a thumbs up.

"What?" Shouted Andrew. "She never!"

"Oh, but she did." Said Stewart.

"Oh ewww, just ewww!" Said Seras.

"Care to pay up now and save yourself the humiliation later?" asked Stewart.

"Wait." Said Andrew. "How do you even know she's, you know...looking?" There was a horrified shriek and the sound of plastic hitting the wall.

"She looked." Said Zelig.

"Young man," Said Dr. Levin. "Did you hack into my computer?"

"Don't be insulting." Said Stewart rapidly blanking his screen. We all stared at him. "I planted spyware in the DVD."

"Mr. Stewart...!"

"Didn't you want to get us down the hall? Come on Corrine, chop, chop!" Said Stewart as he bustled me out the door.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLII

Miss Pringle is having a bad week.

As if Zelig pulling down her precious sign and slapping her on the bottom weren't enough, Sir Integra had personally requested the lab begin running tests on my voice.

And then there was the bulletin board.

Oh , how she hated that bulletin board.

Not only had Dr. Levin ignored her protests and decided to put up a bulletin board where the "No singing" sign used to be but he had decided to put up Zelig's bulletin board.

All of it.

Down to the last burnished brass hook and Velcro pen holder. And when "Mr. Dollneaz" (batt, batt, batt, eyelashes) had approved the expense, there was nothing she could say without sounding like the mean evil harpy that she is. (Oops, not nice Corrine. Not nice. I am sometimes glad no one will ever read this journal.)

It seems Miss Pringle, and possibly Sir Integra, are the only denizens of Hellsing immune to the fascination of watching Zelig's brilliant, demented mind at work. Because when he goes into full blown temperamental artist mode he is a wonder to behold.

This wasn't an installation, it was performance art.

Zelig sailed into the lab and began tearing into boxes, leaping about and spinning like a Tasmanian devil cartoon. Within minutes he managed to cover every surface in the lab with bits and pieces of his project and litter the floor with packing debris and rejected parts. He then strutted about barking orders while Miss Pringle grimly chased after him with a trash bag.

"Don't touch that woman!" He shouted as she picked up a ripped up piece of box lid. "It's important."

"It's cardboard."

"Do I tell you how to do your job? Do I tell you how to stick needles in Victoria's arm?"

"Yes, actually, you do."

"Well you should listen. My way looked better. Now put that down and stop messing with my system."

"This is not a system, this is chaos!"

"Exactly." Said Zelig smugly. "So stop trying to organize it."

"You're impossible."

"Then go away! Honestly, I hate working with amateurs."

Pip, pap, pip.

"What's that noise?" Demanded Miss Pringle.

I had found a stray piece of bubble wrap and was fiddling about while Andrew stuck the EEG contact pads in my hair.

"Who cares?" Said Zelig. "Hey! Give that back!" He bellowed snatching a small empty bag from her hand. "I can use that. Can put lots of little bits and bobs in a bag like that and you throwing it away."

"Its got a hole in it!"

"Course it does, it's a bag."

"No, I mean the bottom."

He gave her a disgusted look as he tied a knot in the ripped corner. "Really Pringle, that solution would have been obvious to anyone who had even the most rudimentary of problem solving skills."

"Or you could just put all of your loose screws in one of the dozen or so not torn bags you have tossed on the floor."

"All the bags in the world wouldn't hold his loose screws." Muttered Stewart as he booted up his laptop.

Pippy pap, pap, pap. I had found another piece of bubble wrap and was sharing with Seras.

"You see this? " He said waiving the bag at her. "This is why there is a hole in the ozone layer! People like you just throwing trash away like it was garbage."

Stewart snorted.

Miss Pringle worked her way through that sentence and sucked in a breath to retort bu,t unfortunately, Griffin stepped in first.

********Which brings us to the actual worst part of Miss Pringle's week.
It wasn't being forced to listen to me sing nor was it Dr. Levin's and Walter's betrayal in authorizing the bulletin board [which later turned out to be mostly an excuse for Dr. Levin to study Zelig so he could publish what would eventually become an award winning article for Mental Health Practice magazine.]. It wasn't even having to deal with Zelig, It was Griffin. All '6.7' 265 pounds of him. And he was, it seems, in love. Well, obsessed anyway. It seems Zelig's quip about Griffin liking high strung women was true because from the moment he walked in to "assist" Zelig, Griffin had been panting after Miss Pringle in a big way. He took one look at her and muttered something to Zelig about little white hats and sensible shoes and movies he had seen that started with... Never mind, I can't repeat it. Long story short, he had quickly found an excuse to remove both his jacket and his uniform shirt and prowl around the lab after Miss Pringle in his Gold's Gym muscle tee rippling and flexing and asking her barely appropriate medical questions. He was doing his best to impress her and she was doing her best to avoid eye contact. So when Griffin, jealous of her attention, broke in to her argument with Zelig, Miss Pringle gasped quietly and began to edge away from the wall of muscle stalking her. ********

"Aww, Nurse Pringle," He said. "why ya wastin time on arguing with him? Figti'n with Zelig's like trying to tunnel through a sand dune with a shovel. Ya get all hot 'n' itchy and ya wind up nowheres.

Only way to win an argument with Zelig is ta beat him to a bloody pulp. And even then half the time he'll just call it a draw."

"It's true," Said Zelig proudly as if Griffin were complementing him. "I'm an excellent debater."

"Listen baby," Growled Griffin in a low voice as he loomed over her (I couldn't tell if he was doing a bad Barry White imitation or just had something caught in his throat.). "If you want ta get all hot 'n' itchy, I can think of lots of better ways to go about it."

She continued to edge away and he continued to stalk her until he had backed her into a corner. She deftly grabbed a chair and pulled it between them.

"And maybe, if you ask real nice, I'll help you 'win' that argument with Zelig." He said, smacking a meaty fist into his open palm. He then braced his arm against the wall by her head, leaned in and said, "I's got the tools and the talent for both." He flexed his biceps. "Wann'a see?"

"That won't be necessary Mr. Griffin." She said coldly.

"Are you sure? I ain't shown you all the tools yet."

"No."

"Just a little peek."

"Mr. Griffin, back away at once."

"Not till you give us a kiss." He leered.

She narrowed her eyes and glared at him.

"I promise baby, once you sample the goods, your gonna wanna buy..... Whaddaya say nurse, Pringle?"

She smiled and leaned towards him, hands still tightly gripping the chair.

Griffin raised his eyebrows and leaned in for his kiss not noticing the chair slowly lifting from the floor...

Wham! She slammed one of the chair legs down on his foot.

Griffin yelped and jumped back surprised. Then looked down at her and chuckled. "Zelig's right. You are a mean one."

She snorted derisively and hefted the chair menacingly.

"I like them mean."

"Oh yes?" She said and swung the chair at him.

He neatly stepped outside of her swing, darting back in while she was off balance and planting a big wet kiss on her cheek then merrily danced away before she could get him on the backstroke.

"Her problem was aiming for the legs." I whispered to Andrew. "You should always go for body mass."

"Unless it's a ghoul." Whispered Seras. "Then you want to aim for the heart or the head."

"She's not trying to kill him Victoria" Said Stewart. "...I think."

"Well, then, Corrine's right. Body shot is best then."

"Good form though." I said.

"Yes." She agreed. "Lots of energy in the swing."

Andrew turned his head to hide his grin.

I handed him a piece of bubble wrap.

"Damn you look sweet." Said Griffin to a seething Miss Pringle.

Zelig looked up from a pile of clipboards he was detailing with an annoyed expression. "Are we working or are we chatting up birds here? Come on Griffin, help me get this LCD mounted."

"I'll call you." Said Griffin over his shoulder as he strolled over to Zelig. He then made a big show of rippling his muscles as he lifted the heavy screen .

Miss Pringle stuck her nose up in the air and marched into Dr. Levin's office to give her hourly report (10 minutes early but who's counting).

I shook my head ruefully. "Do lines like that ever work?" Pippity pap pippty.

"You'd be surprised." Said Stewart.

"Well they shan't work on her." Said Andrew loyally. Pap,pop,pop.

"You'd be surprised." Said Stewart again.

"Not our Miss Pringle." Insisted Andrew.

"Care to..." Pop, pop, pappty, pop. "Give over Corrine!" Said Andrew, taking away my bubble wrap and handing me some sheet music to choose from.

"Sorry."

"Care to wager on that?" He asked Andrew.

"It's not going to happen." Said Andrew.

"Ten quid says their snogging by the end of the month."

"Done." Said Andrew reaching for his wallet.

"Victoria?"

"I don't know," Said Seras. "She seem to desperately hate him but..."

"But what?"

"But there was this kind of gleam in her eye when she swung at him..." She pondered a moment. "I'll wager a fiver."

"Covered. Corrine?"

"You're sick you know that?"

"No from Corrine. Zelig!?"

"What?"

"Book on the Ice maiden"

"Excellent! Details?"

"Straight odds. Snogging by the end of the month."

"I'll bet with the house."

"Fine, you can cover Victoria's five. Corrine's holding the money." He said holding out a 10 pound note to me.

"What? Why me?"

"Cause you're not betting."

"I don't want to." I said pushing Stewart's hand away.

"Come on Corrine." Said Zelig. "It's an honour to hold the money."

"No. This bet is immoral and I want no part of it!"

"I'll give you back your bubble wrap."

"Done." I said holding out my hand. Miss Pringle choose that moment to stroll back into the lab so I had to quickly stuff the money down my shirt as I had no pockets and try not to look guilty (Griffin spent much of the rest of the afternoon trying to get me to change 20).

Miss Pringle gave our little group a disdainful look and stalked to her desk to ignore us and do paperwork.

Pippty, pop, pippt pop. Went Seras, Andrew, and I. As Stewart finished calibrating his machines.

Miss Pringle gritted her teeth, gripped her pencil tightly and continued to write.

"How about a sound level check?" Said Stewart.

We grinned and complied. Pop, pip, pip, pap, pop, pop,pop, papptity, pappity, pop, pop...

"Stop that infernal noise this instant!" Shouted Miss Pringle as she launched herself out of her chair towards us. She first snatched away Andrew's bubble wrap then mine. She reached for Seras' but thought better of it when she growled at her.

"Oi!" Barked Seras. "Get your own!"

"This plastic wrap is not a toy!" She said jabbing her finger at us. "So stop playing with it! What if it's needed to wrap parts back up? It's of no use if you've popped all the bubbles!"

"What's she going on about now?" Asked Zelig.

Griffin whispered into his ear.

"Bubble wrap? Are you kidding me?" He glared at Miss Pringle. "It's just bits of bubble wrap. I've got rolls of it back in the barracks. What's wrong with you? I'm trying to work here!" He was quiet a moment. "It is the final purpose of bubble wrapped to be popped." He said philosophically. "It is, its destiny." He smiled benignly at her. "Besides, it makes the most delightful sound when you pop it don't you think? Quite addictive actually."

We all nodded at his sage wisdom. Except of course for Miss Pringle.

"you're all just deliberately trying to provoke me but it won't work!" She said slamming the bubble wrap in her hand onto a counter. Unfortunately her hand clipped the edge of a small box, flipping it up in the air end over end and spraying foam packing peanuts everywhere.

No one made a sound.

Miss Pringle calmly straightened her back and smoothed down her dress.

"Miss Pringle." Said Andrew timidly. "You've got a little something in your..." He pointed to her head.

She reached up and plucked a packing peanut from where it had landed in her hat. She glared a moment at the offending object before grinding it to dust, probably pretending it was one of our heads.

"Hey!" Shouted Zelig. "What are you doing? I save those, I use those!"

"No." She said calmly. "I refuse to believe that."

"Is she calling me a liar?" asked Zelig angerly.

"fraid so." Said Griffin.

"Are you calling me a liar?!" He shouted.

"Yes." Said Miss Pringle.

"You shouldn't call him a liar nurse Pringle." Said Griffin. "He don't like it."

"Well then, he should stop lying. Shouldn't he?" She said smiling condescendingly.

Zelig started puffing up again and turning purple. "You..."

"Actually Miss," Said Stewart urgently. "he uses them all the time."

"Oh really?"

"Yes Miss. He uses them to make explosives."

She stared at him non-plussed.

"Apparently, they're so common, it makes it hard to trace. Harder to prove who did it in court. If you know what I mean miss."

"Acquitted of all charges." Said Zelig proudly.

"That you were Bertie." Said Stewart.

"But these are the white packing peanuts." Said Zelig. "I mostly use those in potting soil. Helps the drainage."

Miss Pringle's jaw snapped shut.

"Now the pink ones, they make excellent explosives. They burn pretty too, but not the green ones, I'm not sure why that is. Of course, I never use the colored ones in the potting soil. Chemicals might hurt the plants."

Miss Pringle turned without a word and walked into Dr. Levin's office. She shoved Dr. Levin,who was scribbling furiously in his notebook, out of his office and locked the door.