Tuesday, November 29, 2011

LETTERS FROM HELLSING LI

I looked up and sagged with relief to see Seras standing in the doorway then surged upward in a panic, dumping Anders off my back in the process, when I saw the blood dripping from her hand where she clutched the blade of Zelig's knife just inches from her left eye.

"Ahhh! Seras, what did he do to you? Don't worry, I'm coming, I'm coming!" I screeched, bowling aside several armed mercenarys who happened to be in my way. I careened into the captain who had reached her before me then rebounded off Sherman before shoving my way back to her side.

"Is it bad? Let me see. Oh my poor baby! My poor, poor baby." I crooned. I kicked up such a fuss, the captain was forced to interrupt his tending of Seras' wound and relinquish her hand so that I could examine it. Tears continued to roll down my cheeks even after Seras assured me she was OK and showed me how the cut was already closing on its own.

"You see Chanson," Said the captain as he tucked me under his arm and chucked Seras under her chin. "ma pauvre carotte découpée peu, she shall be whole again quite soon." He laughed ruefully as Seras batted his hand away. "You, on the other hand are still bleeding." He said handing me a tissue. so I could staunch the nose bleed which had started back up again. "Perhaps I shall start calling you lapin de chant."

"And this reminds me...Zelig!"

Zelig, who had been standing motionless, eyes wide and round as he gazed at Seras throughout the entire exchange, finally spoke. "That," He said in a breathless reverent tone. "was absolutely outstanding."

"It bloody well wasn't!" Shouted Seras.

"Totally spectacular." He said, dreamily. "Only wish I'd thought to film it."

"I've got my camera." Offered Sherman.

"Excellent." Said Zelig clapping his hands and grinning. "Let's do it again! Ready Victoria?" He asked reaching for his boot knife.

"What? No!" Yelped Seras.

"Ow! What was that for Capitan?" Asked Zelig rubbing the back of his head where Burnadett had slapped him.

"What part of 'Hold your fire' did you not understand?" Growled the captain.

"But I didn't shoot her, I threw a knife now now didn't I?"

"Paugh!" Said the captain.

"Well, he's got a point." Said Sherman. "Ow! Wha'd I do Sarge?"

"Stop encouraging him." Said Marks.

"You see," Said Zelig deftly dodging a second smack from the captain. "The way I figured it, if it wasn't Victoria busting in here then someone had better slow whatever it was down but if it was her, well, it's not like it was going to kill her... seeing as how she's already dead."

The captain stopped, hand poised mid-strike as he digested Zelig's logic.

"Well I'll be damned." Said Marks. "He actually does have a point."

"Yes, excellent job Zelig," Said the captain sarcastically. "Wounding Victoria and making our Corrine cry was just an added bonus then, no?"

Zelig, who up to this point had been looking pretty pleased with himself, stiffened turned to me with a look of consternation. "Is this true Corrine?"

"Yes Bertie."

He walked over and peered up into my face. "But why? It makes your face all blotchy." He asked puzzled.

"Because Bertie, you hurt Seras. You hurt someone I love."

"So when I hurt Victoria, I hurt you."

"Yes Bertie."

"And made you cry."

"Yes Bertie."

"Because you love her?"

"Yes."

"Oh." He reached out and placed a finger on my cheek. "And if someone were to hurt me Corrine," He asked solemnly. "would it make you cry?"

"You know Bertie, I believe I would."

"Everyone should have someone to cry for them." He whispered, tracing the wet track of one of my tears down my face. He turned to Seras and said somberly. "I'm sorry I threw a knife at you and made Corrine cry."

You could have heard a pin drop. Zelig never apologized for anything. Ever.

"Well, no permanent harm done." Said Seras grudgingly.

"So next time, I'll just make sure Corrine's not around before I throw the knife." He said beaming up at her with inspiration.

"Aaand he's back." Said Stewart shaking his head ruefully.

"You bloody well won't!" Shouted Seras. "I'll throw it right back at that big stupid head of yours see if I don't!"

"Fair enough." Shrugged Zelig, who was always willing to suffer for his art. "But could you aim for the shoulder or the upper arm so I don't snuff it? Ah, iridescent." He said holding his finger which was still damp from my tears up to the light. "Lovely"

Seras stared at him with a mixture of horror and pity. "My God," She said quietly. "You really are insane aren't you?"

"Can't prove it in court." He said slyly as he tilted his head and shrugged one shoulder. Then his eyes lit up again and he flashed her the most charming grin. "Come on Victoria, we'll post on You Tube. It will be fantastic!"

"Probably go viral!" Said Sherman enthusiastically. "Ow! Sarge, what?"

Marks raised an eyebrow.

"Oh right, 'encouraging'." He said. "Still think it would be cool." He muttered under his breath.

"What do you say Victoria?"

"No."

"Hmmm." Said Zelig. "We'll film it in in the grotto I think."

"I said no."

"Oooo. and dress you as Artemis in a lovely white toga."

"No!"

"Will her left breast be exposed?" Asked the captain.

"Well that goes without saying."

"I like it."

"No! Never! Absolutely not! Listen to me you demented dwarf, I'm not going to do it ever!"

He sighed. "Fine you Philistine, we'll fuzzy out the naughty bits."

The assorted boos and catcalls were interrupted by a cultured and, according to sgt. Marks, satanic voice. "Much as I am sure Ms. Victoria would look positively delightful in a toga, I am afraid the non-publicity clause in her employee contract will not allow for you to continue in this endeavour Mr. Zelig. And on a possibly unrelated note, would anyone care to explain to me why it is I have found poor corporal Beddings stuffed in the supply closet and covered with jam?"