Saturday, May 28, 2011

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLV

"That is one spectacular set of bruises." Said corp. Sherman taking a picture of the suspiciously kiwi shaped line of marks running up the side of my calf to just above my knee. "Definitely going in the album." *

[*One of Corporal Sherman's many odd hobbies is taking pictures of "interesting" injuries and sharing them with his friends back home in West Virginia. He also enjoys fashioning jewelry from spent shell casings for his mother and sisters and preparing and eating things that most people would not actually consider food. He's quite versatile really and unabashedly, unashamedly proud of his call sign "Hillbilly".]

"You should see my right shoulder."

"Really?" he said tugging at the loose button down shirt I had pulled on over my tank top. "Holy Moses!"

"Hey! If anyone is undressing women in this barracks it is to be me and... Mon dieu! Is that a pentagram?" Said Burnadett.

"I think so." I said, twisting my head around. "I can't really see it."

"Hold still Corrine! I'm going to want a close up of this." Said Sherman. "Captain, would you hold this pen up next to it for scale?"

The Captain frowned but complied.

"Good. Now one with me in it. Will you take the picture Doc?"

"I'll shove it down your throat. Zieke aangeboren idiot." Said Anders.

He handed me an Ice pack for my leg and bent down to examine my shoulder. "And how exactly did this one happen?" He asked.

"Well, I ducked when he threw an orange at me so..." I shrugged.

"So what'd he use on you, blueberries or something?" Asked Sherman, undaunted by Anders' glare.

"Currents actually."

"Close range was it?"

"About 25 feet away."

Sherman whistled. "Impressive." He said reaching almost reverently towards my shoulder. "Such precision."

"Dwaas! Verlof alvorens ik u sloeg." Snapped Anders as he slapped Sherman's hand away.

"Oh bite me Doc! She don't mind why should you?"

Anders turned to Marks. "Please make him go away."

"Oh you give me a headache. Why don't you both go away." Said Burnadett.

"Excellent idea." Said Marks. "Both of you out."

"What! Your kidding right?" Sputtered Sherman.

"That's two laps Sherman." Said Marks who did not like to ask twice. "Now."

Sherman stomped off, muttering under his breath.

Anders looked inclined to argue as well but wisely kept his mouth shut. He instead mutely held up the ointment jar he had pulled out of his bag.

"I'll take care of it." Said Marks gently lifting the jar from Anders' hand. "You go cool off Häckchen ." He said giving him a friendly but firm shove towards the door.

Marks had turned to frown down at me so he never saw the look of pure adoration Anders gave him just before walking out the door. It was then I realized that Lukas Anders would walk though Hell and back without blinking just to bring Sergeant Marks a thimble full of water. I am not sure why as I was pretty sure that Marks had just called him a tick.

Marks shook his head "Was sind wir, zum mit ihm zu tun?" he asked Burnadett.

"Es erhält schlechter." The captain replied.

"Ich weiß." Marks turned back to me his hands on his hips. "Und was sind wir, zum mit Ihnen mein liebes zu tun?"

"Speak English for a start." I answered tartly as I pawed through my German/English dictionary**. He'd used that last phrase on me before though so I had a pretty god idea what he meant.

[**You won't last long with the Geese unless you speak at least three languages and/or are wiling to carry several language dictionaries with you at all times.***]

[*** I at one point bought this real nifty, and highly expensive, audio translation gadget online but made the fatal mistake of letting Zelig "see" it so it is now in several hopeless pieces. On the upside, I now have a lovely hi-tech broach that can swear at you in five different languages. I can't even get my money back as Burnadett pointed out the "Zelig" principle**** applies to civilians as well as Geese.]

[****If you were stupid enough to let him touch it, you deserve what you got.*****]

[ *****You will not be surprised to hear that Zelig is as proud to have a principle named after him as is of being "an excellent debater".]


"God I love a sassy woman." He said as he knelt down behind me. He unscrewed the lid and the the scent of peppermint and cloves wafted towards me. He scooped up a generous portion of the salve onto his fingers and began applying it to the bruises on my shoulder. I shivered a bit as the cold burning sensation touched my skin. He chuckled.

"It's cold." I said defensively.

He bent in close. "And here I thought it was me." He said in my ear as he ran his thumb along the edge of my shoulder blade. I shivered again.

I blushed. "Well, it's not." I snapped, feeling flustered and a bit embarrassed.

"As you say, sassy." He chuckled, giving my shoulder a final rub before handing me the jar. "but I bet Anders doesn't make you shiver like that."

I sniffed disdainfully and started rubbing the ointment on my right arm.

Burnadett cleared his throat. "If you two are quite finished playing doctor, we actually do have things to discuss."

I blushed harder and glared at him. Not quite liking the flutter in my stomach or the smug expressions on both their faces. I opened my mouth to retort but the captain held up his hand placatingly.

"Trêve, Chanson. C'est important."

"All right, shoot." I said. Turning to rub the salve on my left arm.

"We, that is, some of us..." He said gesturing to indicate himself and the others in the room. "We have some, concerns about...well, that." He said pointing to my poor, abused arm.

"What, the bruises?" I asked.

"In part, yes."

"But you guys get stuff like this all the time, worse even, just training."

"Yes, I know but..."

"Is it because I'm a girl?"

"No..."

Zelig, who had been happily carving a quazi-mythical surrealist scene into the coffee table that would have given Hieronymus Bosch the willies snorted. "Like we've never fought girls before." He turned to Stewart who was playing cards with Griffin and Bulls. "Hey remember that Mossad chick? What was her name again? "

"Which one? Adara or Miriam?"

"The one who tried to off the Capitan."

"Well they both did eventually as I recall."

"No. the first time."

"Ah, Miriam."

"Yeah Miriam." Zelig sighed wistfully. "She was wicked good with a knife."

"You guys fought against Mossad?"

"No, they hired us for a gig in Syria." Said Griffin.

"But then why did they try to kill...?"

"He has this effect on women." Sighed Marks. "It's quite tiresome actually."

"Ho, ho, quite amusing you are today." Quipped Burnadett. "She was a double agent." He said turning to me. "I caught her signalling our position to the enemy and she tried to convince me to keep quiet at the point of her knife so..." He shrugged.

"Why do I suspect I don't want to know what that 'so' means?" I asked.

"Because you, Chanson, are a smart girl." He replied.

"Hmm," I said. "And the other one? This Adara?"

"Ah, well, that you may say was more in the nature of a misunderstanding." Said the Captain.

"Misunderstanding?" Snorted Marks. "More in the nature of you not being able to keep your lips or other disgusting body parts to yourself."

"Watch your step now, private."

"You slept with a Mossad agent?" I asked.

"No of course not. What do you take me for?"

"Then why...?"

"He slept with her sister." Said Marks.

"Oh."

"And her best friend."

"Ah."

"And her mother."

"Eeek!"

"Exactly."

"Oh Pip tell me you didn't really?"

"Who knew they'd compare notes?" Said Burnadett, giving me a sheepish smile.

"He's a menace to decent women everywhere Corrine. You and Victoria are best advised to avoid him at all cost." Quipped Marks.

"You know we're going to have to come up with a whole new set of ranks just to cover how low I'm going to bust you." Growled the Captain. Marks shrugged indifferently. It was well known that he used Velcro to attach his ever changing rank insignia to his uniforms. As long as he got his contracted percentages and the men followed orders he didn't care what rank he was.

"And your a one to talk." Continued the Capitan. "At least I didn't sleep with the cabinet ministers daughter."

"So?"

"So? We were lucky to get out of there alive!"

"Oh you exaggerate. He wasn't that mad"

"Just what every Israeli politician dreams of, a big giant Aryan kraut such as yourself to father his grandchildren."

"We got our bonus didn't we?"

"Only because he wanted those negatives destroyed and you gone."

"Exactly." Said Marks spreading his hands. "You got a bloody nose and I got us a bonus. Who's the menace now?"

"You are." Said the Captain grinning. "This is why I hired you."

"Exactly." Nodded Marks smiling back.

"This is better than TV." I said to Blaven who had plunked down beside me with a bowl of popcorn. "You guys are like a soap opera, with knives and guns."

"Oui." He said. "I used to watch that Sopranos program but after I joined the Geese it just seemed boring by comparison."

"Umhm. I agreed, swallowing a mouthful of popcorn. "Excuse me." I said raising my hand for attention. "Could I get clarification on that 'negatives' statement?"

"You see," Marks said. "sometimes, after we finish a job, the people who hire us seem to forget the specific terms of our ah, verbal agreement and try to offer us more of a take it leave it sort of settlement."

"Yeah," Said Griffin. "As in take your sh-gear and leave the country or else."

"And it's not like we can un-kill people if they don't pay up." Said Zelig without glancing up from the Furies he was carving one of which had a suspiciously Sir Integra-ish cast to its scowling countenance.

"Exactly." Said Marks. "So it always pays to have some 'insurance' laid by just in case someone decides to lose his long term memory. A special little reminder for the invoice, as it were."

"You would think all of your nice shiny guns and grenades would be argument enough to pay"

"Surprisingly, this is not always the case. Some men feel they are immune to such things."

"Petty dictators, military Junta leaders...?"

"Oh no, most third world dictators have a healthy respect for the men with the guns. It's usually how they got to be dictators in the first place. They tend to appreciate the value of our services. They pay on time and in cash"

"Really?"

"Some of our best repeat customers are fascists." Said the Captain.

"No it's the petty politician from the 'civilized' industrial nation that tends to get a bit stingy when the bill comes due." Said Marks. "Especially if he's been playing fast and loose with the slush fund. So I like to make sure we have a little dirt on our clients so they won't be tempted to try and renegotiate."

"Who knew the life of a mercenary could be so complicated." I mused.


"Oui." Said Burnadett. "This is what Marks is for. He could get dirt on the Pope if he wanted to."

"True, true." Said Marks.

"Oooo." I said. "So what do you have on Sir Integra?"

Marks cleared his throat. "That's confidential."

"Aw come on spill it. Please." I asked as endearingly as I could.

"Sorry, that would be unprofessional."

I raised my eyebrows and pondered this statement a moment. "You've got nothing." I gasped.

We locked gazes for about 10 seconds then he looked away and growled. "Not a damn thing!"

"Is that unusual?"

"It's unheard of." Said the Captain. "No one gets to where she is without doing some very naughty things and Marks can always find them."

"You can barley find proof that she exists much less anything incriminating. Not like her father, Mein Gott, the things that man did makes Pip look a saint. "

"Wow!" I said glancing at Burnadett. "Maybe there's nothing there. She's pretty straight laced."

"No one is that clean." Said the Captain.

"I tell you it's that damn butler of hers! Everywhere I look, he's been there, fixing the witnesses and scrubbing the files. No one will talk. I swear, er bin der Teufel!"

"He is quite good isn't he?" Said Burnadett with a smirk. "It's almost uncanny how he keeps ahead of you so thoroughly"

"He is der Teufel I tell you but he won't beat me!"

"Well, I guess it's part of his job you know to cover Hellsing's tracks."

Marks narrowed his eyes at me. "Oh yes, I forgot, you like that officious, annoying man. How disappointing of you."

I glared at him. "You should just be thankful I like annoying people or we might not be on speaking terms right now."

Marks glared back at me as if he wanted to order me to do two laps.

"Oh, you are just angry that there is someone out there who can do something better than you for once." Said Burnadett. "It's about time, helps to build the character."

"Then you must have a very well built character at this point."

"Such humour out of you today! I am thinking to add the rank of slug or worm to the list. Whichever is lower. "

"Worms are longer." Said Griffin.

"But slugs are taller." Said Stewart.

"Worm it is." Said the Capitan. "Perhaps even a tape worm. Zelig!"

"Sir?"

"I want a tape worm insignia designed and ready by 16:00 tomorrow."

"Got it!"

"Besides," He said turning back to Marks. "I do not care if Mr Dollneaz or his mistress is Satan himself, as long as the bill is paid on time, which it is, every month, like clockwork. I would spend more time worrying about der Teufel in the basement then the ones upstairs if I were you mon ami.

"And this reminds me." He said turning back to me.