Thursday, May 10, 2012

LETTERS FROM HELLSING LIII

A lot of twists, turns and surprises today/night. Amazingly, most of them good.

For starters, Miss Pringle had decided to take a personal day and Dr. Levin had been tempted out of his office by Zelig to view a special exhibit on land-mines at the British War Museum leaving Andrew to finish up the lab work on his own. It was a beautiful day and I was chomping at the bit to get outside and dig in my garden plot so I pitched in, setting up the samples for the slides while he wrote out the labels in an effort to convince him to knock off early and play hookey for a couple of hours.

Andrew wasn't all that hard to tempt as:
a, I was doing his work and
b, Mr. Russell's very attractive and recently divorced daughter was supposed to be dropping by so, while our desires may have been mutually exclusive, our destination was not. An innocuous comment on the weather and the casual mentioning of Sarah's possible visit was all it took. We flipped on the centrifuge, snuck out of the lab and headed for the kitchen garden.

I had planned to transplant the strawberry runners Mr. Russell had promised me from the main garden plot for my border but ended up in the potting shed helping his grandson, Thomas, with his school science project on Eco-friendly power sources instead.

Silly, unimaginative tyke that he was, he merely wanted to make a boring old potato clock. Andrew, trying to impress the mother no doubt, suggested instead that Thomas make a clock that used a water battery so there would be no waste (I.E. no potato to throw away) at the end which would be more Eco-friendly. Thomas said "Ooo..." and Andrew ran off to lab for supplies.

I had read the same article and of course had to put my 2 cents (pence?) in and suggested that the clock be made from a living, growing plant so there would not only be no waste, but oxygen produced as well. Ha! super Eco-friendly. Thomas said "Aah..." and I ran out to my plot to find a good plant.

Then his grandfather, with a twinkle in his eye, suggested we create a window garden box deep enough to house several living potato plants so not only would there be no waste, there would be more oxygen and you could make potatoes Au gratin. Thomas said "Ooh!" and Mr. Russell went to pick out some wood.

We adults were elbow deep into the project when it suddenly occurred to me that Thomas was actually a pretty smart kid after all.

Andrew was stripping wires and I was applying primer to the window box when Zelig and Dr. Levin showed up. Zelig took it all in at a glance then immediately set to whittling a functioning mechanical clock entirely from root vegetables.

Dr. Levin didn't seem to mind the change in venue a bit as, like all good British subjects, he adored gardening. He had an especial fondness for orchids and Mr. Russell had an especially nice collection of them in the bromides section of the greenhouse. The two of them wandered over to the hot house to see the jejewoodia jiewhoei specimen that had just arrived from Borneo arguing amiably over the merits of cross-species fertilization. Zelig threw out a comment about plant propagation powders before turning back to carving cogs out of a turnip. Personally, I prefer grubbing through weeds and dirt to pollinating plants with a paint brush but hey, whatever floats your boat.

Walter arrived not too long after, having read the scrolling marquee note on the lab bulletin board's LED display. He took us all in with a raised eyebrow then deftly removed the comic book Thomas was reading from his hands, rolled it into a tube and firmly rapped the boy on the head with it.

"Ow! Mr. Walter!"

"Mr. Webber, I am quite certain that I have mentioned to you before that my staff is not to be used to complete your homework assignments." Thomas sighed, shuffled over to the planter and resignedly picked up a paint brush. "I would have hoped, of course, that the adults in this room would know better than to fall victim to your Tom Sawyer routine but I remain confident they intended to ensure you did at least a modicum of the work on your project."

Andrew and I grinned sheepishly and put down our tools.

Zelig glanced up and said, "What school project? I thought we were just making clocks." then went back to fastening the claw feet he had carved from some radishes to the timepiece. "Course little slick here can always buy it off me once it's done."

"Or we could make soup." Snickered Andrew, just before Zelig beaned him with a beet.

"I'm sorry Walter, I'm afraid he's incorrigible." Said Thomas' mother, gazing at Walter with her limpid blue eyes.

"Sarah Elizabeth Russell, it is my personal belief that that particular term was invented to describe you as a child."

"Now Walter, I wasn't all that bad." She said pouting her pretty pink lips.

"I seem to recall you convincing the cook to bake the 15 dozen cookies you needed to earn your Girl Guides baking badge."

"I had a cut on my finger." She said holding up a perfectly manicured pinky.

"Then there was poor captain Trent who unwittingly wrote your final essay on the Battle of Waterloo for your A levels."

"I listed him in the bibliography."

"Then there was the scale model wind turbine..."

"I never told him to use those engine parts from the Bentley I swear!"

"Hmm." Said Walter.

"Perhaps, I was a just bit incorrigible." She said, smiling winsomely at him.

"Perhaps?"

"But I never could get one over on you. Could I Walter?" She said playfully batting her long eyelashes.

"I am, alas, immune to your glamour Ms. Russell. Please practice your cantrips on a younger subject."

Instead of being injured by this rebuff, Sara laughed, delighted. She turned to us grinning. "Walter has long suspected me of being a changeling." She said.

I frowned and rubbed at a bit of paint on my hand. Inexplicably annoyed by this exchange.

"Oh, surely not." Said Andrew ingratiatingly.

"Interesting," Said Zelig. "Are you?"

"Could be." She said winking.

Walter cleared his throat. "Ms. Doyle, I am supervising upgrades to the roof''s gun emplacements." I smiled wiping off my hands on a rag prepared to go with him. "Perhaps we can meet in two hours in the study for tea?"

"Oh, OK." I said disappointed.

"Very good." He said putting his watch away. "Please do not forget to bring the Daniel Tammet biography you were going to lend me I am looking forward to reading it."

Zelig looked at me suspiciously.

"Sure." I said.

"Excellent." He said then turned to Thomas. "Mr. Webber," He admonished the boy, who was morosely dabbing the same spot on the planter over and over again with his paintbrush, "sooner started..."

"Sooner finished. Yes I know Mr. Walter." Thomas grumbled.

Walter raised an eyebrow and fixed Thomas with an icy stare his fingers drumming on the comic book tube.

Thomas squeaked with alarm and immediately began painting in earnest.

Walter nodded satisfied then handed the comic book to Sarah. "I would recommend corporal punishment but it never seemed to work on you." He said, then left.

"Ha!" Said Sarah to Walter's disappearing back. She turned to us arms akimbo. "He's awfully mean to me for a man who's seen me naked."

Andrew made a strange choking sound, Zelig put down his knife and looked extremely interested. I frowned and cast a worried glance over at her son. This did not seem an appropriate conversation to have in front of a 10 year old.

"Really mother," Said Thomas rolling his eyes but still painting. "She was four." He said to me.

"Five, actually." She laughed as Andrew and I sagged with relief. Zelig just shrugged and went back to carving veneer inlays for the clock face from a carrot.

"Well now I have to know." Said Andrew, his heart no longer broken.

"It's quite a funny story actually." She said. "There used to be an annual fete held for the staff on the summer solstice. There was music and games with prizes and all kinds of food and Father would have the whole day off to spend with Mother and me. It was better than Christmas.

Well, I had talked my father into buying me the the fanciest, most beautiful dress in the world the week before and, of course, insisted on wearing it to the fete. When mother found out how much daddy had spent, she went spare and forbade me to participate in the games. She said, as I was going to be wearing that dress to church for the rest of my life, I was to do nothing that might tear or stain it in the least. I almost said I didn't care because I looked so nice and already had lots of ribbons from last year but then I saw the prizes.

Sir Integra's grandmother has just returned from a trip to France and had brought back the most wonderful things. There were bottles of brandy and perfume, gloves and wallets and even a haute couture hat for the adults. For the children there was candy, treats and toys of all kinds but for the first first child to win two contests, they would have their choice of either a hand wrought silver belt buckle, a tin of the worlds best Turkish Delight or this painted china shepherdess.

That shepherdess was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my entire life. She was perfection from the curly blond hair spilling out from a lovely straw bonnet covered with ribbons and violets to the black velvet slipper peeking out from the hem of her palest of pale blue gown. I loved her from the moment I saw her and and would do anything to win her.

I begged my mother to reconsider, offered to do extra chores, walk the dog, even clean my room but she would not budge. I tried getting my father on my side but he just patted my cheek and told me if I as good and listened to my mum he would buy me a china doll next pay day. Mother told daddy to stop spoiling me and that I was old enough to behave myself without being bribed. I tried to explain that I did not want a china doll, I wanted a shepherdess. I wanted that shepherdess and just knew I could win her so couldn't I just please, please, please, please, please sign up for the games.

Mother got cross and said that I had enough dolls and didn't need another and to stop whining. That's when I made the big mistake of correcting her and telling her it was not a doll but a china shepherdess. That's when mother, who was eight months pregnant with my brother Tommy at the time, started yelling. She said she did not care if it was a china shepherdess or a golden idol, that if I were to place one foot on the lower field while wearing that dress she would flay me alive and if Father said one more word about buying me dolls she would boil him in oil. She always did get a bit cranky in her last trimester.

Father, who knew better than to argue with Mother when she was angry and pregnant, tried to make peace by suggesting we go up to the gardens so Mother could sit in the shade while he and I fetched cookies and lemonade. Mother agreed and firmly took my hand to lead me away.

Sadly, I turned my head to take one last look at my shepherdess where she stood dainty and beautiful amidst the other prizes on the table. I could not stand the thought of another child winning her. My heart was broken and I would never smile again.

Suddenly, and I will swear this to my dying day, the shepherdess looked right at me and gave me a saucy wink. I gasped and stumbled. When I looked back she was once again a prim and proper china shepherdess standing frozen, a serene, knowing expression on her face but in that moment I knew, just knew she wanted me to win her. Mother gave my hand a jerk to get me going again and I complied, a plot fomenting in my brain..

As soon as we had settled Mother in the garden, I set my plan into action. First, I asked my father if I could go with my best friend Miriam to the gazebo to watch the tableaux then, right in the middle of Florence Nightingale's "Lady of the Lamp", I pretended to hear my mother call me. I dodged around the Splat a Rat and cut across the upper field to the top of the obstacle course. I carefully removed my dress, folded it neatly so it wouldn't crease then hid myself in a bush by the starting line and waited."

We all saw where the story was going but couldn't wait to hear what happened next. Only Thomas seemed immune rolling his eyes before starting the second coat of paint on his window box.

"Bang! went the starter gun." She said. "I leaped out of the bushes and on to the obstacle course just behind the other children wearing nothing but my undies, socks and patent leather shoes.

 By the time we hit the first wall, I had passed the stragglers and was in the thick of it. I soared over the rope pit and emerged from the crawl tunnel s neck and neck with Robert Parker who usually won everything but not today.

I scrambled up the last wall like a monkey, Robert Parker a hairsbreadth behind me. From the top of the wall, I could see the finish line, just beyond the sand hazard. I was going to win.

I swung my legs over the edge and jumped. Something tugged at me for a moment bringing me up short, then there was a loud ripping sound and I dropped lightly to the ground. I heard Robert Parker gasp and giggle before falling off the wall and landing face first into the sand. The crowed cheered as I raced across the finish line bare bottomed, covered in dirt and grinning like a fool."

"I like this story." Said Zelig, twirling his knife. "Lots of nudity and running about. Very exciting" Andrew and I nodded our agreement.

"Wait," Said Sarah. "It gets better."

We leaned forward all ears.

"Lord Hellsing almost fell over he was laughing so hard. He always loved a good laugh. I think even Walter smiled a bit. He used to smile sometimes back then." She said, a bit wistfully. "I did a little victory dance as I took my ribbon and had just turned to walk to the upper field for the next race when I spotted Mother waddling towards me at full steam her face like thunder.

I squeaked with fear and ran for the nearest tree thinking that in her condition, she wouldn't be able to follow much further up than a couple of meters. I flew at the trunk and had just gotten a leg over the first branch when Walter plucked me from the tree like so much reluctant fruit. 'I doubt you will be safe there Miss Russell,' He said, tucking me under his arm. 'I think perhaps it would be best to come with me.' Lord Hellsing laughed even harder watching me struggle in Walter's grip. 'Quite so Walter.' He said wiping a tear from his eye. 'You smuggle that hellion to safety and I'll distract the mother.' He stopped and gave Walter a sly wink. 'For once, I'll deal with the mess while you sneak off with the girl eh?' Walter nodded and began lugging me towards the main house.

You have to understand mind you that all of us children lived in awe of Walter. He was like some distant god, rarely interacting with us but was always watching. Not a cookie stolen or a prank pulled that Walter didn't catch you out and find some horrible chore for punishment. We weren't often allowed in the main house but heaven help the child who tracked mud in when we were. And the stories the adults told when they thought we weren't listening were absolutely terrifying. I mean, we all figured out about the Hellsing charter pretty early and Daddy was still on active duty back then but even he talked about Walter in whispers. He was never actually mean to us and kites would always find their way out of trees and broken dolls would invariably be mended. Still, when Walter spoke, we minded.

So, you can imagine his surprise when instead of snuffling quietly and accepting my fate, I began fighting back with a vengeance. I yelled at him that we were going the wrong way and when that didn't work I tried kicking his legs and pummelling his back. I even tried biting him but he simply folded me in half and tucked me back under his arm so I hung upside-down.

Still, I would not give up, demanding that he take me to the upper field. Refusing to tell him where my clothes were, insisting I was too dirty to put my dress back on anyway and that I would not take a bath no matter what, he could not make me so he might as well just let me go!

So he did. Right into the koi pond.

I thrashed about in the water kicking and sputtering. 'Are you clean enough now Miss Russel?' He asked. I jumped up, glaring at him prepared to make a run for it. 'I wouldn't advise it.' Said Walter. 'You won't get far.' At that moment I heard the starting gun go off for the spoon race. I burst into tears and sat right back down into the water for a good cry sobbing over and over that he'd made me miss it.

'We'll have no more of that Miss Russell.' Said Walter handing me a handkerchief. 'Perhaps you should tell me what this is all about.' So I sat dripping wet in the koi pond, fish nibbling at my toes and poured my heart out to Walter. finally I asked him if he hadn't ever wanted something so much that he would do almost anything to get it, even if everyone else thought it was stupid.

He was quiet a moment then said, 'Sometimes, it is not just a question of being willing to do what it takes to get what you want but also of being willing to face the consequences. Are you willing to face the consequences Miss Russell?' I nodded solemnly and hiccuped. 'Very good then Miss Russel. Blow you nose and come along' He said holding out his hand to me. He helped me from the koi pond and we started back towards the house.

'But Mr. Walter,' I asked quietly. 'How am I to win? the egg and spoon was my best event and we missed it. Robert's sure to have won and next up is the blancmange eating contest and no one ever beats Robert in that.' Walter just said he had absolute faith in me and while he would not allow cheating he was not adverse to evening the odds a bit in my favour. I looked down to where my little hand disappeared inside his big, capable one. He wore fingerless gloves back then and I could see the fine, lines of countless scars running along his fingers like a spider web. I knew how he had gotten them and I knew I should be afraid of what he was but he was the only one who understood. He was the one who was going to help me win that shepherdess.

And with Walter helping me, I couldn't lose.

I grinned and squeezed his hand. 'we're going to win.' I said when he looked down. 'Of course.' He replied and led me into the house.

As I sat down at the blancmange table I surveyed my competition. There was Robert Parker, of course, then George Pratchette who was rather cute but unfortunately prone to nose bleeds under pressure and finally William Morgan who didn't really care if he won but just liked eating blancmanges. Robert was the one to beat as his capacity for eating and belching was unrivalled by any child on the estate but thanks to Walter I had a strategy and a fighting chance. I double checked the garters fastened on the rolled up sleeves of the shirt Walter had lent me and prepared for battle.*

*Walter had dressed me in one of his old shirts which, even after belting it with a tie, still came well down past my knees. He then secured the sleeves with garters and had pulled back my hair in a tight pony tail. Lord Hellsing had taken one look at me swimming in Walter's old shirt and declared it marvellous to now have a new travel sized mini-Walter for his convenience.

The start was sounded and I plunged face first into the blancmange without thought or finesse. I didn't even chew. Per Walter's instruction, my one and only job was to consume.

While I mindlessly shovelled that sticky gelatinous mass into my mouth, Walter's tactics evened the odds. First, a word in cook's ear and the strawberry blancmange normally reserved for William, was placed in front of me while he was served the lime custard, his least favourite. That should slow him down a bit should he decide to make a go of it. Next, and I still feel a bit bad about this, Walter positioned pretty Melissa Smyth in the front row, just between Robert and George. Now, Robert had crush on Melissa while, Melissa had a thing for George and just before the signal, Melissa shouted out to George that if he should win, she was going to give him a big kiss.

Robert got angry and yelled at George to stop flirting with Melissa. George was so embarrassed, that he got a nose bleed right then and there. William, took one look at George and lost his appetite. By the time any of them remembered there was a contest going on, I was half way down to the plate.

I didn't stop to gloat, I just kept eating. Even when I heard my mother's angry voice as she ploughed through the crowed, I didn't slow down. I just kept shovelling that blancmange into my mouth until there was nothing left but plate.

Next I knew, a smiling Lord Hellsing had swung me up from the bench and pinned a 1st place ribbon to my sticky chest declaring that he'd never seen the like. Then, with swat on the behind, he sent me over to a waiting Walter forestalling my parents with a request to allow Walter to at least clean the condemned before her execution. Father consented, trying not to laugh. Mother frowned but nodded.

Savouring my last moments of freedom, I raced up the slope ahead of Walter and with a savage war cry, leapt into the koi pond. Walter, eventually fished me out of the pond and within 10 minutes I was dried, dressed, brushed and looking neat as a pin. My shoes, of course, were ruined but my dress was spotless.

Walter asked me if I was ready to pay the piper, I said yes and he bowed and offered me his arm. The stalwart knight escorting his brave princess to her doom.

It was the the happiest moment of my life. I mean I knew I was in trouble and I felt bad for making Mother angry but standing there, with the shepherdess in my hands at last it all went away. There was only me and my shepherdess. I stared down at her and stroked her cheek lovingly. Her serene gaze assured me she had never doubted for a moment that I would win her.

I missed two sleepovers and had to sweep the kitchen and feed the dog for a month but it was worth it.  I've never worked so hard for anything before or since."  Her eyes got a faraway cast.  "You know, I didn't keep a lot of things from when I was little but I kept her, I kept my shepherdess.  Still have her."  She smiled impishly then winked.  "That, and my hopeless crush on Walter."  She quipped.