It took two soul wrenching days for Griffin to teach me to maneuver the "Tortoise" about the motor pool lot without the constant grinding of gears and the unremitting wails of "Ach! Your a kellin her gel. Your kellin her!" from Bulls. Finally, on the third day, I was allowed to take the 'pur gel' once around the course on the proving grounds and managed to only run over two "pedestrian" pop-ups and a stuffed squirrel Bulls had thrown out in front of the transport.
I slammed on the brakes, throwing Griffin out of his seat and jumped out of the transport horrified and crying (just a little) thinking I had killed it. Griffin punched Bulls hard twice on the shoulder. Once, for making me cry and then again for offering me an oil rag as a handkerchief. Bulls apologetically pulled the mangled lump out from under the treads to show me it wasn't real.
"Wow," I said snuffling a bit. "Those treads really did a number on him."
"Ah the pur wee beasty, do you think he's done for Corrine?" Asked Bulls.
"Poor beasty my as-ah butt." Said Griffin. "Your the idiot who tossed it."
"Aye, but I dinna quite realize..."
"You want me to fix him for you?" I asked.
"Can ya you think?"
"I can try." I said.
"I've got a better idea." Said Griffin tossing me up onto his beefy shoulder and shouting 'Medic!" as he ran for the back of the transport. Bulls laughed and ran along behind us the "squirrel" flopping about in his hands.
Anders came charging in after us, medical bag at the ready only to find a dismembered stuffed animal on his gurney. "You think he'll pull through doc?" was all Griffin had time to say before Anders physically thew us out of the back of the transport calling us 'juvenile idiots' and something else, in German I believe, before slamming the door shut in our faces.
We all looked at each other and burst out laughing.
"I hope he's not too mad." I said. "He already doesn't like me."
"Naw, it's good. He ain't been properly pissed off in ages."
"What do you mean? He always seems angry to me."
"Yeah, he's been an angry SOB since we got here." Said Griffin.
"Aye all mopin and morose. Specially since you shewed oop."
"Gee, thanks." I said. "I feel much better now."
"Noo, noo he's been angry ya see but he haint been pissed off proper for some time."
"You lost me." I said.
"That's cause Groundskeeper Willie here don't speak English proper." Said Griffin. "Look it's simple. Anders has always been a moody one, 'thinks too much' the Sarge says. Thinks about things guys like us shouldn't think about."
"Like what."
"like when life begins, when it ends...where you go after you die. The kind of things that might make you think twice before you pull the trigger and blow some guy's head off. Make you think maybe you shouldn't cause what if he's got a family or what if I'm going to Hell for killing some guy I've got no beef with just cause I'm gettin paid too. Then it's your brains that end up spattered on the wall cause you can be sure that's not what the other guy's thinking, he's thinking I'm gonna kill this stupid SOB before he kills me."
"Too philosophical." Said Bulls.
"Yeah," Said Griffin. "Too many books, too much thinking."
I looked at them speechless.
"Look now, you've shooked her."
"Aww, it's just the truth is all. I mean ain't none of of saints. Corrine knows that."
"No, yes. I mean, I know it's the truth. I just never thought about it that way before."
"That's the ticket Corrine. There's stuff ya just shouldn't think too close about too often. You'll just wake up screaming at night and that's no good is it?"
"Of course." I said. Pushing my misgivings aside to think about later.
"See, she get's it."
"Smart gel."
"Yeah. But now see Anders, he gets stuck thinking about these things and then gets all moody and mad cause he can't stop. Usually, we can knock him out of it by doing something real stupid and annoying to piss him off. Then he can yell and blow off steam and be OK again for awhile. Not too bad a guy. Kinda funny in a over thinky sort of way."
"Boot lately, nothing we did would piss him oof and we rella di try, you know."
"I'm sure you did."
"Yeah but he wouldn't yell. He would just get more and more quiet and more and more angry. Finally the Sarge said to just leave him alone. That he could be as pissy as he wanted as long as he did his job right. So we did."
"Till now."
"Yeah, well, the squirrel thing was just to good to miss."
"Brilliant."
"Yeah."
"Well, it was kind of funny." I admitted. "Do you think it worked?"
"I hoope so."
"Yeah, the yellin' in German was a good sign. He usually only does that when you break something."
"So now what?" I asked. We still had an hour left in my training session and Anders had locked himself, and the keys, inside.
"Tch, we rella should get er back un there afore Mr. Walter comes back."
"Yeah, with that damn clipboard lookin all dissapprovin like."
"Or the Sargent..."
"shi...oot. We gotta get her back in" Griffin looked at me apologetically. I smiled back at him. tickled at his efforts to not swear around me. 'How odd my life is.' I thought.
"Can ya jimmy the lock Porn?" Asked Bulls.
Griffin nodded. "But you'll need to distract Anders. He's wicked mean with those needles."
"Hmm." Said Bulls. "Tricky."
"We could just ask him to open the door." I said.
"Naw" Said Griffin. "Oh, I know. Corrine, why don't you.. (whisper, whisper)..Ouch!"
I glared at him barely amused.
"Fine, leave your top on. Oh, I know, you could bend over to get something and.. Ouch!"
"Or," I said through gritted teeth. "we could just ask him to open the door."
"Nooo, I dunna think so Corrine. It hasta be tricky you see."
"Yeah, like if Corrine were to..."
Don't make me hit you again."
"OK, OK relax. No nudity sheeze."
"Oooh, I know." Said Bulls, introducing a very bad plan involving a tow truck and a diffused hand grenade.
"Naw," Said Griffin. "How about..." This was an even worse plan and involved a small brush fire.
"Or," I said marching towards the transport. "we could just ask him to open the door."
"Noo, Corrine. Noo! Ye can't ask him! It hasta be tricky."
"Yeah, or it don't count. See?"
"Fine." I sighed. "I'll think of something."
"Good girl. I just need a minute, two tops, if he took the keys and I hav'ta hotwire it. "
"Don you cut my pur babe. She's been through enough."
I left them bickering,walked to the back door of the transport and knocked. "Anders?" I called out.
"What do you want?" Came his muffled voice through the door.
"Would you please open the door?"
"Why?"
" I..." I caught sight of Griffin circling the ambulance as Bulls kept waiving and tapping the side of his nose to remind me to be 'tricky'. I sighed. "I um, hit my head on the door frame when Griffin carried me into the Tortoise." I said.
"So?"
"I thought you could check it."
"Ha!"
I tapped my foot impatiently and was rewarded with a twinge where my leg had been clawed. "I ah, also think I may have ripped one of your sutures."
The door swung open a bit, Anders stuck his head out, stared at my leg a moment then said, "No you didn't" and slammed the door shut in my face.
Griffin who was now sidling his large frame along the far side of the vehicle gave me a thumbs up while Bulls was signaling me from the sidelines to 'stretch it out'. Subtle as turkey vultures, the both of them. I sighed and knocked again.
"Anders?"
"Still here?"
"Yes. Please open the door."
"Why?"
"Because you've locked us out and I have to drive us back to the motor pool before Walter or Sergent Marks comes looking for us."
Anders poked his head out the door and glared at me. "Why didn't you just say that the first time?"
"Not tricky enough?" I asked meekly.
His gaze shifted to Bulls then back to me. "Ah." He said. His mouth twitched slightly. He cleared his throat then in a loud voice said. "You think you ripped a suture you say?" He gazed at me expectantly.
"Oh, ah yes. I think I may have." I said in an equally loud voice.
"Well best come in then so I can check it." He shouted, opening the door wider and ushering me inside. He shook his head as he closed the door behind me. "So they went with the honey trap. Surprised you've still got your shirt on."
I blushed. "This was the only plan that did not involve destruction of property and or nudity."
"Ripped sutures?" He said. "Has anyone ever told you what a terrible liar you are?"
"Pretty much everyone I've tried lying to." I confessed.
That surprised a laugh out of him.
"I really did bump my head though."
"Good." He said sternly but moving over to run gentle fingers across my scalp to find the small lump.
There was some muffled cursing outside as Griffin tried to jimmy the lock.
"Idiots." Said Anders.
"They really do mean well you know." I said.
He raised his eyebrow at me.
"In an oddly perverse and annoying kind of way."
"They're not even trying to be subtle anymore."
"They're just trying to cheer you up."
He sighed. "I know."
There was more muffled cursing and small metallic grinding noises as Griffin continued struggling with the lock.
"You would think he'd be better at this." I said remembering Griffin bragging about all the cars he'd stolen as a kid.
"Not if I've jammed the locking mechanism shut." He said. "Amazing what you can do with a clamp and some surgical tape."
It was my turn to laugh. "You're like Medic MacGyver."
"Yes." He said drolly. "He'll figure it out in a minute. He was born to steal. Follow my finger. Just your eyes please."
He straightened out tucking his pen light away. "Your good." he said. tossing me the keys.
"OK to drive then Doc?" I asked.
"Yes. Please do hurry before he tries to hotwire it."
"No." I said touching his arm. "I mean, is it OK to drive with you?"
He became quite still. "If I say no?"
"Then I ask Walter to put me somewhere else."
He stared at me intently for a long moment then held out his hand. "Lukas Anders." He said. "Looks like we'll be riding together."
"Corrine Doyle." I said. "Looks like we are."
There was a tearing noise then a sort of a 'sproingg ping' as the clamp broke loose and flew across the inside of the transport's cabin. A low, evil chuckle rumbled from Griffin as the lock popped open.
He actually seemed disappointed to find me already sitting in the driver's seat.
It all ended well though.
I manged to back the Tortoise into the garage without further incident and Bulls was so delighted that Griffin had not had to hotwire her that he presented me with a nice pink lay to hang from the rear view mirror. Anders pretended to hate it beyond reason in front of them both and so everyone was happy by the time Walter arrived to fetch me for tea.
Which, of course, made me happy.
I slammed on the brakes, throwing Griffin out of his seat and jumped out of the transport horrified and crying (just a little) thinking I had killed it. Griffin punched Bulls hard twice on the shoulder. Once, for making me cry and then again for offering me an oil rag as a handkerchief. Bulls apologetically pulled the mangled lump out from under the treads to show me it wasn't real.
"Wow," I said snuffling a bit. "Those treads really did a number on him."
"Ah the pur wee beasty, do you think he's done for Corrine?" Asked Bulls.
"Poor beasty my as-ah butt." Said Griffin. "Your the idiot who tossed it."
"Aye, but I dinna quite realize..."
"You want me to fix him for you?" I asked.
"Can ya you think?"
"I can try." I said.
"I've got a better idea." Said Griffin tossing me up onto his beefy shoulder and shouting 'Medic!" as he ran for the back of the transport. Bulls laughed and ran along behind us the "squirrel" flopping about in his hands.
Anders came charging in after us, medical bag at the ready only to find a dismembered stuffed animal on his gurney. "You think he'll pull through doc?" was all Griffin had time to say before Anders physically thew us out of the back of the transport calling us 'juvenile idiots' and something else, in German I believe, before slamming the door shut in our faces.
We all looked at each other and burst out laughing.
"I hope he's not too mad." I said. "He already doesn't like me."
"Naw, it's good. He ain't been properly pissed off in ages."
"What do you mean? He always seems angry to me."
"Yeah, he's been an angry SOB since we got here." Said Griffin.
"Aye all mopin and morose. Specially since you shewed oop."
"Gee, thanks." I said. "I feel much better now."
"Noo, noo he's been angry ya see but he haint been pissed off proper for some time."
"You lost me." I said.
"That's cause Groundskeeper Willie here don't speak English proper." Said Griffin. "Look it's simple. Anders has always been a moody one, 'thinks too much' the Sarge says. Thinks about things guys like us shouldn't think about."
"Like what."
"like when life begins, when it ends...where you go after you die. The kind of things that might make you think twice before you pull the trigger and blow some guy's head off. Make you think maybe you shouldn't cause what if he's got a family or what if I'm going to Hell for killing some guy I've got no beef with just cause I'm gettin paid too. Then it's your brains that end up spattered on the wall cause you can be sure that's not what the other guy's thinking, he's thinking I'm gonna kill this stupid SOB before he kills me."
"Too philosophical." Said Bulls.
"Yeah," Said Griffin. "Too many books, too much thinking."
I looked at them speechless.
"Look now, you've shooked her."
"Aww, it's just the truth is all. I mean ain't none of of saints. Corrine knows that."
"No, yes. I mean, I know it's the truth. I just never thought about it that way before."
"That's the ticket Corrine. There's stuff ya just shouldn't think too close about too often. You'll just wake up screaming at night and that's no good is it?"
"Of course." I said. Pushing my misgivings aside to think about later.
"See, she get's it."
"Smart gel."
"Yeah. But now see Anders, he gets stuck thinking about these things and then gets all moody and mad cause he can't stop. Usually, we can knock him out of it by doing something real stupid and annoying to piss him off. Then he can yell and blow off steam and be OK again for awhile. Not too bad a guy. Kinda funny in a over thinky sort of way."
"Boot lately, nothing we did would piss him oof and we rella di try, you know."
"I'm sure you did."
"Yeah but he wouldn't yell. He would just get more and more quiet and more and more angry. Finally the Sarge said to just leave him alone. That he could be as pissy as he wanted as long as he did his job right. So we did."
"Till now."
"Yeah, well, the squirrel thing was just to good to miss."
"Brilliant."
"Yeah."
"Well, it was kind of funny." I admitted. "Do you think it worked?"
"I hoope so."
"Yeah, the yellin' in German was a good sign. He usually only does that when you break something."
"So now what?" I asked. We still had an hour left in my training session and Anders had locked himself, and the keys, inside.
"Tch, we rella should get er back un there afore Mr. Walter comes back."
"Yeah, with that damn clipboard lookin all dissapprovin like."
"Or the Sargent..."
"shi...oot. We gotta get her back in" Griffin looked at me apologetically. I smiled back at him. tickled at his efforts to not swear around me. 'How odd my life is.' I thought.
"Can ya jimmy the lock Porn?" Asked Bulls.
Griffin nodded. "But you'll need to distract Anders. He's wicked mean with those needles."
"Hmm." Said Bulls. "Tricky."
"We could just ask him to open the door." I said.
"Naw" Said Griffin. "Oh, I know. Corrine, why don't you.. (whisper, whisper)..Ouch!"
I glared at him barely amused.
"Fine, leave your top on. Oh, I know, you could bend over to get something and.. Ouch!"
"Or," I said through gritted teeth. "we could just ask him to open the door."
"Nooo, I dunna think so Corrine. It hasta be tricky you see."
"Yeah, like if Corrine were to..."
Don't make me hit you again."
"OK, OK relax. No nudity sheeze."
"Oooh, I know." Said Bulls, introducing a very bad plan involving a tow truck and a diffused hand grenade.
"Naw," Said Griffin. "How about..." This was an even worse plan and involved a small brush fire.
"Or," I said marching towards the transport. "we could just ask him to open the door."
"Noo, Corrine. Noo! Ye can't ask him! It hasta be tricky."
"Yeah, or it don't count. See?"
"Fine." I sighed. "I'll think of something."
"Good girl. I just need a minute, two tops, if he took the keys and I hav'ta hotwire it. "
"Don you cut my pur babe. She's been through enough."
I left them bickering,walked to the back door of the transport and knocked. "Anders?" I called out.
"What do you want?" Came his muffled voice through the door.
"Would you please open the door?"
"Why?"
" I..." I caught sight of Griffin circling the ambulance as Bulls kept waiving and tapping the side of his nose to remind me to be 'tricky'. I sighed. "I um, hit my head on the door frame when Griffin carried me into the Tortoise." I said.
"So?"
"I thought you could check it."
"Ha!"
I tapped my foot impatiently and was rewarded with a twinge where my leg had been clawed. "I ah, also think I may have ripped one of your sutures."
The door swung open a bit, Anders stuck his head out, stared at my leg a moment then said, "No you didn't" and slammed the door shut in my face.
Griffin who was now sidling his large frame along the far side of the vehicle gave me a thumbs up while Bulls was signaling me from the sidelines to 'stretch it out'. Subtle as turkey vultures, the both of them. I sighed and knocked again.
"Anders?"
"Still here?"
"Yes. Please open the door."
"Why?"
"Because you've locked us out and I have to drive us back to the motor pool before Walter or Sergent Marks comes looking for us."
Anders poked his head out the door and glared at me. "Why didn't you just say that the first time?"
"Not tricky enough?" I asked meekly.
His gaze shifted to Bulls then back to me. "Ah." He said. His mouth twitched slightly. He cleared his throat then in a loud voice said. "You think you ripped a suture you say?" He gazed at me expectantly.
"Oh, ah yes. I think I may have." I said in an equally loud voice.
"Well best come in then so I can check it." He shouted, opening the door wider and ushering me inside. He shook his head as he closed the door behind me. "So they went with the honey trap. Surprised you've still got your shirt on."
I blushed. "This was the only plan that did not involve destruction of property and or nudity."
"Ripped sutures?" He said. "Has anyone ever told you what a terrible liar you are?"
"Pretty much everyone I've tried lying to." I confessed.
That surprised a laugh out of him.
"I really did bump my head though."
"Good." He said sternly but moving over to run gentle fingers across my scalp to find the small lump.
There was some muffled cursing outside as Griffin tried to jimmy the lock.
"Idiots." Said Anders.
"They really do mean well you know." I said.
He raised his eyebrow at me.
"In an oddly perverse and annoying kind of way."
"They're not even trying to be subtle anymore."
"They're just trying to cheer you up."
He sighed. "I know."
There was more muffled cursing and small metallic grinding noises as Griffin continued struggling with the lock.
"You would think he'd be better at this." I said remembering Griffin bragging about all the cars he'd stolen as a kid.
"Not if I've jammed the locking mechanism shut." He said. "Amazing what you can do with a clamp and some surgical tape."
It was my turn to laugh. "You're like Medic MacGyver."
"Yes." He said drolly. "He'll figure it out in a minute. He was born to steal. Follow my finger. Just your eyes please."
He straightened out tucking his pen light away. "Your good." he said. tossing me the keys.
"OK to drive then Doc?" I asked.
"Yes. Please do hurry before he tries to hotwire it."
"No." I said touching his arm. "I mean, is it OK to drive with you?"
He became quite still. "If I say no?"
"Then I ask Walter to put me somewhere else."
He stared at me intently for a long moment then held out his hand. "Lukas Anders." He said. "Looks like we'll be riding together."
"Corrine Doyle." I said. "Looks like we are."
There was a tearing noise then a sort of a 'sproingg ping' as the clamp broke loose and flew across the inside of the transport's cabin. A low, evil chuckle rumbled from Griffin as the lock popped open.
He actually seemed disappointed to find me already sitting in the driver's seat.
It all ended well though.
I manged to back the Tortoise into the garage without further incident and Bulls was so delighted that Griffin had not had to hotwire her that he presented me with a nice pink lay to hang from the rear view mirror. Anders pretended to hate it beyond reason in front of them both and so everyone was happy by the time Walter arrived to fetch me for tea.
Which, of course, made me happy.
