Wednesday, March 16, 2011

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLIII

The next few days went rather well. I passed my basic driving test on the Tortoise and was rewarded by Bulls and Griffin with a little topless hula doll for the dashboard. Anders had a fit and kept trying to throw it out the window until Sgt. Marks somewhere, somehow found a tiny little Hooter's tee shirt to put on her. It was still offensive but no longer obscene.

"I'll get rid of the damn thing yet." Anders said as he tried to pry her off the dash with a scalpel. He had managed to slice through the prior three double sided adhesives so Bulls had used Gorilla glue this time.  Anders and Walter were taking turns giving me 'defensive urban combat' driving lessons (dodging mines and IEDs, Plowing through rubble, running over enemy combatants, you know, the easy stuff.) so he he often sat with me while I navigated the course and Walter or one of the Geese tried to "kill" us. Zelig and Griffin were enthusiastic but often predictable. Burnadet was subtle and sneaky but not quite so bloodthirsty. But if we were playing against Walter or Sgt. Marks, they killed us every time.

It's a good thing they don't seem to like each other very much, because if they ever teamed up, they could rule the world.

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Miss Pringle had unofficially set up headquarters in Dr. Levin's office refusing to come out whenever Zelig or his enthusiastic 'assistant' were in the lab. A poor, lovelorn, Griffin was reduced to slipping her love poems under the door and Andrew was practically counting his winnings.

"I don't think she much likes Limericks." Said Zelig as we listened to the sound of the paper shredder running behind closed doors. "I told you to try the haiku."

"It was too esoteric." Said Griffin. "I didn't want ta be too subtle."

"No chance of that." Said Zelig.

"Besides, It didn't even rhyme. Poems are supposed to rhyme."

"Yes, 'bench press' and 'French maid's dress' do almost rhyme." Said Zelig.

"I thought it rather clever actually." Said Seras.

"Hmmm," Said Zelig. Maybe she didn't like the dress reference. You know, like you don't take her profession seriously and you equate nursing to being like a maid."

"You think?"

"Well, women are always quite touchy about clothing and such."

"True."

"Perhaps, it was too short. Perhaps if we finished that sonnet. "

"Yeah, but I'm just totally stuck on rhyming up bicep and if I try to pull it out, the whole stanza falls apart."

"Art is never easy." Said Zelig. "How's the ballad coming?"

"Eh."

Andrew rubbed his hands together with glee.

"Don't get cocky." Said Stewart.

"Hard not to." Said Andrew. "Your boy's a bit of a disaster and our Miss Pringle is made of steel."

"Ah, but many a 'disaster' has been known to bend steel." Andrew laughed.

"At this rate he won't even rust her."

"Care to wager another ten on that?"

"Hate to take your money 'old chap'." Said Andrew. "But I need a new stereo for the car."

"Adore taking your money 'old bean'," Said Stewart putting on his best P.T. Barnum face, "but I tell you what, bump it up another ten and I'll throw in my XM radio I'll even install her for you, if I lose."

"Done." Said Andrew as he shoved a twenty at me and Stewart handed me a ten.

"I don't have hold the stupid stereo for you do I?" I grumbled, stuffing the money down my shirt. I need to start wearing pants with pockets to the lab.

"No but it would certainly fit." Said Stewart eying my chest appreciatively.

I snorted and shoved at his rolling chair with my foot.

"Book!" he shouted to Zelig as his chair bumped into a table.

"Excellent." Said Zelig. taking down the details. "Victoria?"

Seras eyed a very satisfied looking Stewart with suspicion then shook her head.

Zelig shrugged. "How bout you Doctor Levin? Care to back your horse with a fiver? I'll cover it."

"Bicep, tricep, flycep.." Muttered Griffin.

Dr. Levin smiled and reached for his wallet. Then stopped. He looked from Griffin to Zelig to Stewart then back at Griffin. A good long look. He shook his head and chuckled. "I think I'll sit this one out boys." He said.

"Smart man." Said Griffin. "If we're all done playing then?" Stewart nodded and Zelig closed his little book. "Good. Cause I've got me a little nurse to catch and we all know how I feel about nurses."

"Never seen you throw one back yet Porn." Said Stewart.

"Go get her." Said Zelig Grinning.

Griffin cracked his knuckles then stretched and flexed like a big cat before casually strolling over to the door to Dr. Levin's office. "Nice professional gal like nurse Pringle needs ta see a man's resume before she makes up her mind." He said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a DVD. He drummed his fingers gently against the frosted glass and said. "I gotta go baby but I'll leave ya a little something ta put under your pillow tonight." He brought the DVD to his lips and gave it a kiss before crouching down to slide it under the door. "Sweet dreams Nurse Pringle."

"What was that?" Asked Andrew suspiciously.

"Just a few highlights from my brief but illustrious film career."

"You were in the movies Griffin?" I asked. "I didn't know that."

Griffin looked at me and blushed. "Yeah, well, they was what you might call independent films of a specialized nature."

"What?" said Seras. Stewart snorted and grinned while Dr. Levin stared pointedly at the ceiling. "Ohhh. Eww!"

"Now hang on." Said Andrew. " You mean to tell me that you just slipped Miss Pringle..."

"Nurse Pringle. Show some respect." Said Griffin.

"Nurse Pringle." Said Andrew. "You mean to tell me you just slipped Nurse Pringle a video nasty?"

"No."

"Well thank Goodness for tha..."

"I slipped her highlights from several 'video nastys'. The good parts, ya know, with me in um."

"Dear God, your a dead man."

"Care to wager on that?" Said Stewart."

"No." I shouted. "No more betting. I mean it!"

"Now Corrine, it's just a bit of fun." Said Stewart.

"No!"

Zelig shrugged and put his notebook away. "You, of course included "Dock Her, Dock Her?"

"Of course."

I raised an eyebrow.

"A raunchy rock and roll romp though an inner city hospital." Said Stewart.

"Oh dear." I said, eying the closed office door.

"All the ones with nurses in um." Said Griffin. "Also, I put in some of my super hero series."

"Super hero series?" I queried.

"Yeah." Said Griffin. "Let's see...there was 'Super Wham: can of steel', 'The X-rated men', played Colossus in that one.."

"Great performance but his accent was bloody awful." Whispered Stewart. I bit my tongue to keep from laughing.

"...and what else? Oh yeah I threw in part two of ' Edible Bulk: Revenge of the.." Zelig cleared his throat loudly and made a shushing gesture at Griffin. "What?" Asked Griffin.

"Not that I don't support your work and all," Said Zelig. but, well, there is a lady present."

Seras and I looked at each other then back at Zelig. 'A lady present'? As in just one?

"Oh, yes, right. Sorry 'bout that Corrine." Said Griffin.

"Oh nice." Said Seras sarcastically.

"Well don't get get you knickers in a twist Victoria." Said Zelig. "Your not a lady, your one of us."

"One of you?" Asked Seras tremulously.

"Yeah, you know, like one of the guys." Said Griffin.

"You mean, I'm one of you? I'm a Goose?" She said breathlessly.

Stewart nodded, lips quirking

"That's just brilliant!" She shouted jumping into Stewart's lap and hugging him.

"Ooof! Right, that's enough of that Victoria." Said Stewart as he shoved her off his lap. "There is positively none of that allowed in the ranks!"

"I'm a goose Corrine!" Said Seras as Stewart unwound his mouse cord from her wrist.

"You most certainly are." Said Stewart, trying not to laugh.

"That's wonderful. Oh," I said thinking it through. "does this mean I'm not?"

"What, a goose?" Said Stewart raising his eyebrows. I nodded. "Well sorry, you can't."

"Why not?"

"Because, like I said, you're a lady Corrine." Said Zelig.

"So?"

"So no ladies allowed in the Geese." Said Griffin.

"Why ever not?"

"Well, the Captain's got a saying bout ladies, 'In the bedroom, in the kitchen even on the bathroom fl..."

Zelig cleared his throat loudly.

"Oh, yes, right. Sorry Corrine. It's just a rule OK?"

"Well that seems unfair."

"Sorry Corrine, but you can be a lady or you can be a goose but you can't be both." Said Stewart.

"I find it hard to believe that you refer to yourself as a goose."

"Well, actually I refer to myself as a sexy beast but that's beside the point. You're one or the other, there is no both."

"This reminds me of that story they made us read in school." Said Andrew. "You know where the bloke had to choose between two doors."

"Right," Said Seras. "And behind one door was a pretty lady and behind the other was a tiger... What was it called again?"

"The Lady or the Tiger." I said.

"Ooo right." Said Seras. "Like the game you and the master sometimes play."

"Oh dear I hope not."

"No, no, I mean you've got to choose."

"Between the lady or the tiger?"

"No." She said disgustedly. "Lady or goose."

"The Lady or the Goose?"

"Exactly." She said. "you've got to choose which one to be."

"Aw that's easy," Said Griffin. "Lady."

"I'd rather she choose Goose."

"Are these my only choices?" I asked but they ignored me.

"Naw, she's a lady." Asserted Griffin.

"Goose!" Insisted Seras.

"Couldn't I just be a swan or something?"

"Lady, lady lady!"

"A duck perhaps?"

"Goose, goose, goose!"

"Stop!" Shouted Stewart. "Corrine, you are not a goose or a swan or any other type of waterfowl. It's not a question of what you want to be. It's how we perceive you. We see you as a lady because it's what you are. You don't get to choose."

I crossed my arms and pouted.

"Now don't get cross Corrine," Said Zelig. "Your a lady, that's better than being one of us lot any day."

"Fine." I huffed. "I'll be a lady. But I don't have to like it."

"Now, that's settled," Said Dr. Levin. "Perhaps we should move this act down the hall. Is the equipment ready Mr. Stewart?"

"Yes, I set up in the storage room as you suggested. there are no antennas, phones or intercoms of any kind in there so, we should avoid a repeat of Tuesday's 'Mary Hopkins' fiasco." (I had been singing "The Sparrow" and somehow had ended up blowing out all of the phones in the lab and half the intercoms on the first floor.)

"Sorry." I said.

"Not at all my dear." Said Dr. Levin who had decided to like me now that I could do something interesting. "It was quite informative. Expensive, but informative. Shall we go?" He said, gesturing to the door.

"Just a sec." Said Stewart as he stared at something on his laptop screen. "Aaaand, she's in!"

"Good job old man!" Said Zelig Giving Griffin a thumbs up.

"What?" Shouted Andrew. "She never!"

"Oh, but she did." Said Stewart.

"Oh ewww, just ewww!" Said Seras.

"Care to pay up now and save yourself the humiliation later?" asked Stewart.

"Wait." Said Andrew. "How do you even know she's, you know...looking?" There was a horrified shriek and the sound of plastic hitting the wall.

"She looked." Said Zelig.

"Young man," Said Dr. Levin. "Did you hack into my computer?"

"Don't be insulting." Said Stewart rapidly blanking his screen. We all stared at him. "I planted spyware in the DVD."

"Mr. Stewart...!"

"Didn't you want to get us down the hall? Come on Corrine, chop, chop!" Said Stewart as he bustled me out the door.