LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLIV

'Thwack'

"Ouch!"

"Try Again."

'Thwack'

"Ouch!"

"Wrong. Try again."

Thwack'

"Ouch! Hey! stop it!"

"No."

"But.." 'Thwack!'

"Shut up and concentrate."

"How am I supposed to concentrate when you keep throwing..." 'Thwack "Ouch! That hurt!"

"Stop wingeing you useless girl it's only grapes."

"Frozen grapes."

"Pft!"

"Hurled with inhuman force."

"Ungrateful infant!"

'Thwack' "Ow!", 'Thwack' "Ow!", 'Thwack' "Ow! Hey! that was a strawberry, you could poke an eye out with that!"

"Cowardly, whining wretch! You mewl over a few bruises from fruit? If you cannot concentrate when hit by a harmless bit of food, what are you going to do in the field when the ghouls attack and bullets start flying. Tell your friends die more quietly as their screams are distracting you?"

"That's not fair!"

"Fair? Fair! Fair is for the nursery, not the battlefield! I have neither the time nor the patience for fair.

"Much as I, am indifferent to the lives of those sad, disposable, dogs of war you seem so fond of, every turning, every death weighs on the heart of the master. It is for her and her alone that I train you but I would think that, if only for the sake of those sad mongrels, you would be willing grow a backbone and learn."

"You could have said..."

"And you should have trusted me! You trusted me with your life in that theatre. Will you trust me now to teach you to save theirs? "

"Yes. but?"

"What?"

"Could we possible switch sides for awhile? My left arm is going numb."

"Of course Angel, we wouldn't want you to not be able to feel your 'distraction' now would we?"

Sigh. "No, of course not."

'Thwack'

"Ouch!"

"Try Again."...

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLIII

The next few days went rather well. I passed my basic driving test on the Tortoise and was rewarded by Bulls and Griffin with a little topless hula doll for the dashboard. Anders had a fit and kept trying to throw it out the window until Sgt. Marks somewhere, somehow found a tiny little Hooter's tee shirt to put on her. It was still offensive but no longer obscene.

"I'll get rid of the damn thing yet." Anders said as he tried to pry her off the dash with a scalpel. He had managed to slice through the prior three double sided adhesives so Bulls had used Gorilla glue this time.  Anders and Walter were taking turns giving me 'defensive urban combat' driving lessons (dodging mines and IEDs, Plowing through rubble, running over enemy combatants, you know, the easy stuff.) so he he often sat with me while I navigated the course and Walter or one of the Geese tried to "kill" us. Zelig and Griffin were enthusiastic but often predictable. Burnadet was subtle and sneaky but not quite so bloodthirsty. But if we were playing against Walter or Sgt. Marks, they killed us every time.

It's a good thing they don't seem to like each other very much, because if they ever teamed up, they could rule the world.

-----------

Miss Pringle had unofficially set up headquarters in Dr. Levin's office refusing to come out whenever Zelig or his enthusiastic 'assistant' were in the lab. A poor, lovelorn, Griffin was reduced to slipping her love poems under the door and Andrew was practically counting his winnings.

"I don't think she much likes Limericks." Said Zelig as we listened to the sound of the paper shredder running behind closed doors. "I told you to try the haiku."

"It was too esoteric." Said Griffin. "I didn't want ta be too subtle."

"No chance of that." Said Zelig.

"Besides, It didn't even rhyme. Poems are supposed to rhyme."

"Yes, 'bench press' and 'French maid's dress' do almost rhyme." Said Zelig.

"I thought it rather clever actually." Said Seras.

"Hmmm," Said Zelig. Maybe she didn't like the dress reference. You know, like you don't take her profession seriously and you equate nursing to being like a maid."

"You think?"

"Well, women are always quite touchy about clothing and such."

"True."

"Perhaps, it was too short. Perhaps if we finished that sonnet. "

"Yeah, but I'm just totally stuck on rhyming up bicep and if I try to pull it out, the whole stanza falls apart."

"Art is never easy." Said Zelig. "How's the ballad coming?"

"Eh."

Andrew rubbed his hands together with glee.

"Don't get cocky." Said Stewart.

"Hard not to." Said Andrew. "Your boy's a bit of a disaster and our Miss Pringle is made of steel."

"Ah, but many a 'disaster' has been known to bend steel." Andrew laughed.

"At this rate he won't even rust her."

"Care to wager another ten on that?"

"Hate to take your money 'old chap'." Said Andrew. "But I need a new stereo for the car."

"Adore taking your money 'old bean'," Said Stewart putting on his best P.T. Barnum face, "but I tell you what, bump it up another ten and I'll throw in my XM radio I'll even install her for you, if I lose."

"Done." Said Andrew as he shoved a twenty at me and Stewart handed me a ten.

"I don't have hold the stupid stereo for you do I?" I grumbled, stuffing the money down my shirt. I need to start wearing pants with pockets to the lab.

"No but it would certainly fit." Said Stewart eying my chest appreciatively.

I snorted and shoved at his rolling chair with my foot.

"Book!" he shouted to Zelig as his chair bumped into a table.

"Excellent." Said Zelig. taking down the details. "Victoria?"

Seras eyed a very satisfied looking Stewart with suspicion then shook her head.

Zelig shrugged. "How bout you Doctor Levin? Care to back your horse with a fiver? I'll cover it."

"Bicep, tricep, flycep.." Muttered Griffin.

Dr. Levin smiled and reached for his wallet. Then stopped. He looked from Griffin to Zelig to Stewart then back at Griffin. A good long look. He shook his head and chuckled. "I think I'll sit this one out boys." He said.

"Smart man." Said Griffin. "If we're all done playing then?" Stewart nodded and Zelig closed his little book. "Good. Cause I've got me a little nurse to catch and we all know how I feel about nurses."

"Never seen you throw one back yet Porn." Said Stewart.

"Go get her." Said Zelig Grinning.

Griffin cracked his knuckles then stretched and flexed like a big cat before casually strolling over to the door to Dr. Levin's office. "Nice professional gal like nurse Pringle needs ta see a man's resume before she makes up her mind." He said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a DVD. He drummed his fingers gently against the frosted glass and said. "I gotta go baby but I'll leave ya a little something ta put under your pillow tonight." He brought the DVD to his lips and gave it a kiss before crouching down to slide it under the door. "Sweet dreams Nurse Pringle."

"What was that?" Asked Andrew suspiciously.

"Just a few highlights from my brief but illustrious film career."

"You were in the movies Griffin?" I asked. "I didn't know that."

Griffin looked at me and blushed. "Yeah, well, they was what you might call independent films of a specialized nature."

"What?" said Seras. Stewart snorted and grinned while Dr. Levin stared pointedly at the ceiling. "Ohhh. Eww!"

"Now hang on." Said Andrew. " You mean to tell me that you just slipped Miss Pringle..."

"Nurse Pringle. Show some respect." Said Griffin.

"Nurse Pringle." Said Andrew. "You mean to tell me you just slipped Nurse Pringle a video nasty?"

"No."

"Well thank Goodness for tha..."

"I slipped her highlights from several 'video nastys'. The good parts, ya know, with me in um."

"Dear God, your a dead man."

"Care to wager on that?" Said Stewart."

"No." I shouted. "No more betting. I mean it!"

"Now Corrine, it's just a bit of fun." Said Stewart.

"No!"

Zelig shrugged and put his notebook away. "You, of course included "Dock Her, Dock Her?"

"Of course."

I raised an eyebrow.

"A raunchy rock and roll romp though an inner city hospital." Said Stewart.

"Oh dear." I said, eying the closed office door.

"All the ones with nurses in um." Said Griffin. "Also, I put in some of my super hero series."

"Super hero series?" I queried.

"Yeah." Said Griffin. "Let's see...there was 'Super Wham: can of steel', 'The X-rated men', played Colossus in that one.."

"Great performance but his accent was bloody awful." Whispered Stewart. I bit my tongue to keep from laughing.

"...and what else? Oh yeah I threw in part two of ' Edible Bulk: Revenge of the.." Zelig cleared his throat loudly and made a shushing gesture at Griffin. "What?" Asked Griffin.

"Not that I don't support your work and all," Said Zelig. but, well, there is a lady present."

Seras and I looked at each other then back at Zelig. 'A lady present'? As in just one?

"Oh, yes, right. Sorry 'bout that Corrine." Said Griffin.

"Oh nice." Said Seras sarcastically.

"Well don't get get you knickers in a twist Victoria." Said Zelig. "Your not a lady, your one of us."

"One of you?" Asked Seras tremulously.

"Yeah, you know, like one of the guys." Said Griffin.

"You mean, I'm one of you? I'm a Goose?" She said breathlessly.

Stewart nodded, lips quirking

"That's just brilliant!" She shouted jumping into Stewart's lap and hugging him.

"Ooof! Right, that's enough of that Victoria." Said Stewart as he shoved her off his lap. "There is positively none of that allowed in the ranks!"

"I'm a goose Corrine!" Said Seras as Stewart unwound his mouse cord from her wrist.

"You most certainly are." Said Stewart, trying not to laugh.

"That's wonderful. Oh," I said thinking it through. "does this mean I'm not?"

"What, a goose?" Said Stewart raising his eyebrows. I nodded. "Well sorry, you can't."

"Why not?"

"Because, like I said, you're a lady Corrine." Said Zelig.

"So?"

"So no ladies allowed in the Geese." Said Griffin.

"Why ever not?"

"Well, the Captain's got a saying bout ladies, 'In the bedroom, in the kitchen even on the bathroom fl..."

Zelig cleared his throat loudly.

"Oh, yes, right. Sorry Corrine. It's just a rule OK?"

"Well that seems unfair."

"Sorry Corrine, but you can be a lady or you can be a goose but you can't be both." Said Stewart.

"I find it hard to believe that you refer to yourself as a goose."

"Well, actually I refer to myself as a sexy beast but that's beside the point. You're one or the other, there is no both."

"This reminds me of that story they made us read in school." Said Andrew. "You know where the bloke had to choose between two doors."

"Right," Said Seras. "And behind one door was a pretty lady and behind the other was a tiger... What was it called again?"

"The Lady or the Tiger." I said.

"Ooo right." Said Seras. "Like the game you and the master sometimes play."

"Oh dear I hope not."

"No, no, I mean you've got to choose."

"Between the lady or the tiger?"

"No." She said disgustedly. "Lady or goose."

"The Lady or the Goose?"

"Exactly." She said. "you've got to choose which one to be."

"Aw that's easy," Said Griffin. "Lady."

"I'd rather she choose Goose."

"Are these my only choices?" I asked but they ignored me.

"Naw, she's a lady." Asserted Griffin.

"Goose!" Insisted Seras.

"Couldn't I just be a swan or something?"

"Lady, lady lady!"

"A duck perhaps?"

"Goose, goose, goose!"

"Stop!" Shouted Stewart. "Corrine, you are not a goose or a swan or any other type of waterfowl. It's not a question of what you want to be. It's how we perceive you. We see you as a lady because it's what you are. You don't get to choose."

I crossed my arms and pouted.

"Now don't get cross Corrine," Said Zelig. "Your a lady, that's better than being one of us lot any day."

"Fine." I huffed. "I'll be a lady. But I don't have to like it."

"Now, that's settled," Said Dr. Levin. "Perhaps we should move this act down the hall. Is the equipment ready Mr. Stewart?"

"Yes, I set up in the storage room as you suggested. there are no antennas, phones or intercoms of any kind in there so, we should avoid a repeat of Tuesday's 'Mary Hopkins' fiasco." (I had been singing "The Sparrow" and somehow had ended up blowing out all of the phones in the lab and half the intercoms on the first floor.)

"Sorry." I said.

"Not at all my dear." Said Dr. Levin who had decided to like me now that I could do something interesting. "It was quite informative. Expensive, but informative. Shall we go?" He said, gesturing to the door.

"Just a sec." Said Stewart as he stared at something on his laptop screen. "Aaaand, she's in!"

"Good job old man!" Said Zelig Giving Griffin a thumbs up.

"What?" Shouted Andrew. "She never!"

"Oh, but she did." Said Stewart.

"Oh ewww, just ewww!" Said Seras.

"Care to pay up now and save yourself the humiliation later?" asked Stewart.

"Wait." Said Andrew. "How do you even know she's, you know...looking?" There was a horrified shriek and the sound of plastic hitting the wall.

"She looked." Said Zelig.

"Young man," Said Dr. Levin. "Did you hack into my computer?"

"Don't be insulting." Said Stewart rapidly blanking his screen. We all stared at him. "I planted spyware in the DVD."

"Mr. Stewart...!"

"Didn't you want to get us down the hall? Come on Corrine, chop, chop!" Said Stewart as he bustled me out the door.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLII

Miss Pringle is having a bad week.

As if Zelig pulling down her precious sign and slapping her on the bottom weren't enough, Sir Integra had personally requested the lab begin running tests on my voice.

And then there was the bulletin board.

Oh , how she hated that bulletin board.

Not only had Dr. Levin ignored her protests and decided to put up a bulletin board where the "No singing" sign used to be but he had decided to put up Zelig's bulletin board.

All of it.

Down to the last burnished brass hook and Velcro pen holder. And when "Mr. Dollneaz" (batt, batt, batt, eyelashes) had approved the expense, there was nothing she could say without sounding like the mean evil harpy that she is. (Oops, not nice Corrine. Not nice. I am sometimes glad no one will ever read this journal.)

It seems Miss Pringle, and possibly Sir Integra, are the only denizens of Hellsing immune to the fascination of watching Zelig's brilliant, demented mind at work. Because when he goes into full blown temperamental artist mode he is a wonder to behold.

This wasn't an installation, it was performance art.

Zelig sailed into the lab and began tearing into boxes, leaping about and spinning like a Tasmanian devil cartoon. Within minutes he managed to cover every surface in the lab with bits and pieces of his project and litter the floor with packing debris and rejected parts. He then strutted about barking orders while Miss Pringle grimly chased after him with a trash bag.

"Don't touch that woman!" He shouted as she picked up a ripped up piece of box lid. "It's important."

"It's cardboard."

"Do I tell you how to do your job? Do I tell you how to stick needles in Victoria's arm?"

"Yes, actually, you do."

"Well you should listen. My way looked better. Now put that down and stop messing with my system."

"This is not a system, this is chaos!"

"Exactly." Said Zelig smugly. "So stop trying to organize it."

"You're impossible."

"Then go away! Honestly, I hate working with amateurs."

Pip, pap, pip.

"What's that noise?" Demanded Miss Pringle.

I had found a stray piece of bubble wrap and was fiddling about while Andrew stuck the EEG contact pads in my hair.

"Who cares?" Said Zelig. "Hey! Give that back!" He bellowed snatching a small empty bag from her hand. "I can use that. Can put lots of little bits and bobs in a bag like that and you throwing it away."

"Its got a hole in it!"

"Course it does, it's a bag."

"No, I mean the bottom."

He gave her a disgusted look as he tied a knot in the ripped corner. "Really Pringle, that solution would have been obvious to anyone who had even the most rudimentary of problem solving skills."

"Or you could just put all of your loose screws in one of the dozen or so not torn bags you have tossed on the floor."

"All the bags in the world wouldn't hold his loose screws." Muttered Stewart as he booted up his laptop.

Pippy pap, pap, pap. I had found another piece of bubble wrap and was sharing with Seras.

"You see this? " He said waiving the bag at her. "This is why there is a hole in the ozone layer! People like you just throwing trash away like it was garbage."

Stewart snorted.

Miss Pringle worked her way through that sentence and sucked in a breath to retort bu,t unfortunately, Griffin stepped in first.

********Which brings us to the actual worst part of Miss Pringle's week.
It wasn't being forced to listen to me sing nor was it Dr. Levin's and Walter's betrayal in authorizing the bulletin board [which later turned out to be mostly an excuse for Dr. Levin to study Zelig so he could publish what would eventually become an award winning article for Mental Health Practice magazine.]. It wasn't even having to deal with Zelig, It was Griffin. All '6.7' 265 pounds of him. And he was, it seems, in love. Well, obsessed anyway. It seems Zelig's quip about Griffin liking high strung women was true because from the moment he walked in to "assist" Zelig, Griffin had been panting after Miss Pringle in a big way. He took one look at her and muttered something to Zelig about little white hats and sensible shoes and movies he had seen that started with... Never mind, I can't repeat it. Long story short, he had quickly found an excuse to remove both his jacket and his uniform shirt and prowl around the lab after Miss Pringle in his Gold's Gym muscle tee rippling and flexing and asking her barely appropriate medical questions. He was doing his best to impress her and she was doing her best to avoid eye contact. So when Griffin, jealous of her attention, broke in to her argument with Zelig, Miss Pringle gasped quietly and began to edge away from the wall of muscle stalking her. ********

"Aww, Nurse Pringle," He said. "why ya wastin time on arguing with him? Figti'n with Zelig's like trying to tunnel through a sand dune with a shovel. Ya get all hot 'n' itchy and ya wind up nowheres.

Only way to win an argument with Zelig is ta beat him to a bloody pulp. And even then half the time he'll just call it a draw."

"It's true," Said Zelig proudly as if Griffin were complementing him. "I'm an excellent debater."

"Listen baby," Growled Griffin in a low voice as he loomed over her (I couldn't tell if he was doing a bad Barry White imitation or just had something caught in his throat.). "If you want ta get all hot 'n' itchy, I can think of lots of better ways to go about it."

She continued to edge away and he continued to stalk her until he had backed her into a corner. She deftly grabbed a chair and pulled it between them.

"And maybe, if you ask real nice, I'll help you 'win' that argument with Zelig." He said, smacking a meaty fist into his open palm. He then braced his arm against the wall by her head, leaned in and said, "I's got the tools and the talent for both." He flexed his biceps. "Wann'a see?"

"That won't be necessary Mr. Griffin." She said coldly.

"Are you sure? I ain't shown you all the tools yet."

"No."

"Just a little peek."

"Mr. Griffin, back away at once."

"Not till you give us a kiss." He leered.

She narrowed her eyes and glared at him.

"I promise baby, once you sample the goods, your gonna wanna buy..... Whaddaya say nurse, Pringle?"

She smiled and leaned towards him, hands still tightly gripping the chair.

Griffin raised his eyebrows and leaned in for his kiss not noticing the chair slowly lifting from the floor...

Wham! She slammed one of the chair legs down on his foot.

Griffin yelped and jumped back surprised. Then looked down at her and chuckled. "Zelig's right. You are a mean one."

She snorted derisively and hefted the chair menacingly.

"I like them mean."

"Oh yes?" She said and swung the chair at him.

He neatly stepped outside of her swing, darting back in while she was off balance and planting a big wet kiss on her cheek then merrily danced away before she could get him on the backstroke.

"Her problem was aiming for the legs." I whispered to Andrew. "You should always go for body mass."

"Unless it's a ghoul." Whispered Seras. "Then you want to aim for the heart or the head."

"She's not trying to kill him Victoria" Said Stewart. "...I think."

"Well, then, Corrine's right. Body shot is best then."

"Good form though." I said.

"Yes." She agreed. "Lots of energy in the swing."

Andrew turned his head to hide his grin.

I handed him a piece of bubble wrap.

"Damn you look sweet." Said Griffin to a seething Miss Pringle.

Zelig looked up from a pile of clipboards he was detailing with an annoyed expression. "Are we working or are we chatting up birds here? Come on Griffin, help me get this LCD mounted."

"I'll call you." Said Griffin over his shoulder as he strolled over to Zelig. He then made a big show of rippling his muscles as he lifted the heavy screen .

Miss Pringle stuck her nose up in the air and marched into Dr. Levin's office to give her hourly report (10 minutes early but who's counting).

I shook my head ruefully. "Do lines like that ever work?" Pippity pap pippty.

"You'd be surprised." Said Stewart.

"Well they shan't work on her." Said Andrew loyally. Pap,pop,pop.

"You'd be surprised." Said Stewart again.

"Not our Miss Pringle." Insisted Andrew.

"Care to..." Pop, pop, pappty, pop. "Give over Corrine!" Said Andrew, taking away my bubble wrap and handing me some sheet music to choose from.

"Sorry."

"Care to wager on that?" He asked Andrew.

"It's not going to happen." Said Andrew.

"Ten quid says their snogging by the end of the month."

"Done." Said Andrew reaching for his wallet.

"Victoria?"

"I don't know," Said Seras. "She seem to desperately hate him but..."

"But what?"

"But there was this kind of gleam in her eye when she swung at him..." She pondered a moment. "I'll wager a fiver."

"Covered. Corrine?"

"You're sick you know that?"

"No from Corrine. Zelig!?"

"What?"

"Book on the Ice maiden"

"Excellent! Details?"

"Straight odds. Snogging by the end of the month."

"I'll bet with the house."

"Fine, you can cover Victoria's five. Corrine's holding the money." He said holding out a 10 pound note to me.

"What? Why me?"

"Cause you're not betting."

"I don't want to." I said pushing Stewart's hand away.

"Come on Corrine." Said Zelig. "It's an honour to hold the money."

"No. This bet is immoral and I want no part of it!"

"I'll give you back your bubble wrap."

"Done." I said holding out my hand. Miss Pringle choose that moment to stroll back into the lab so I had to quickly stuff the money down my shirt as I had no pockets and try not to look guilty (Griffin spent much of the rest of the afternoon trying to get me to change 20).

Miss Pringle gave our little group a disdainful look and stalked to her desk to ignore us and do paperwork.

Pippty, pop, pippt pop. Went Seras, Andrew, and I. As Stewart finished calibrating his machines.

Miss Pringle gritted her teeth, gripped her pencil tightly and continued to write.

"How about a sound level check?" Said Stewart.

We grinned and complied. Pop, pip, pip, pap, pop, pop,pop, papptity, pappity, pop, pop...

"Stop that infernal noise this instant!" Shouted Miss Pringle as she launched herself out of her chair towards us. She first snatched away Andrew's bubble wrap then mine. She reached for Seras' but thought better of it when she growled at her.

"Oi!" Barked Seras. "Get your own!"

"This plastic wrap is not a toy!" She said jabbing her finger at us. "So stop playing with it! What if it's needed to wrap parts back up? It's of no use if you've popped all the bubbles!"

"What's she going on about now?" Asked Zelig.

Griffin whispered into his ear.

"Bubble wrap? Are you kidding me?" He glared at Miss Pringle. "It's just bits of bubble wrap. I've got rolls of it back in the barracks. What's wrong with you? I'm trying to work here!" He was quiet a moment. "It is the final purpose of bubble wrapped to be popped." He said philosophically. "It is, its destiny." He smiled benignly at her. "Besides, it makes the most delightful sound when you pop it don't you think? Quite addictive actually."

We all nodded at his sage wisdom. Except of course for Miss Pringle.

"you're all just deliberately trying to provoke me but it won't work!" She said slamming the bubble wrap in her hand onto a counter. Unfortunately her hand clipped the edge of a small box, flipping it up in the air end over end and spraying foam packing peanuts everywhere.

No one made a sound.

Miss Pringle calmly straightened her back and smoothed down her dress.

"Miss Pringle." Said Andrew timidly. "You've got a little something in your..." He pointed to her head.

She reached up and plucked a packing peanut from where it had landed in her hat. She glared a moment at the offending object before grinding it to dust, probably pretending it was one of our heads.

"Hey!" Shouted Zelig. "What are you doing? I save those, I use those!"

"No." She said calmly. "I refuse to believe that."

"Is she calling me a liar?" asked Zelig angerly.

"fraid so." Said Griffin.

"Are you calling me a liar?!" He shouted.

"Yes." Said Miss Pringle.

"You shouldn't call him a liar nurse Pringle." Said Griffin. "He don't like it."

"Well then, he should stop lying. Shouldn't he?" She said smiling condescendingly.

Zelig started puffing up again and turning purple. "You..."

"Actually Miss," Said Stewart urgently. "he uses them all the time."

"Oh really?"

"Yes Miss. He uses them to make explosives."

She stared at him non-plussed.

"Apparently, they're so common, it makes it hard to trace. Harder to prove who did it in court. If you know what I mean miss."

"Acquitted of all charges." Said Zelig proudly.

"That you were Bertie." Said Stewart.

"But these are the white packing peanuts." Said Zelig. "I mostly use those in potting soil. Helps the drainage."

Miss Pringle's jaw snapped shut.

"Now the pink ones, they make excellent explosives. They burn pretty too, but not the green ones, I'm not sure why that is. Of course, I never use the colored ones in the potting soil. Chemicals might hurt the plants."

Miss Pringle turned without a word and walked into Dr. Levin's office. She shoved Dr. Levin,who was scribbling furiously in his notebook, out of his office and locked the door.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLI

That afternoon at tea, Walter had a most interesting suggestion as to how I could help Seras.

"It's a long shot." He said, as I fiddled with the rubber tubing included in the box of materials he had gathered together for his plan. "But I think if you are the one making the offer, she just might accept. She will will see it as an act of friendship not charity or duty."

"Possibly." I said dropping the tubing back in the box and glancing at the needles with distaste. "But why all the steps?" I asked reaching for my teacup. "Why can't I just let her..?"

"No." He said firmly. That would be most unwise."

I stilled my hands, cup halfway to mouth and looked at him questioningly.

"We need your actions to be intimate enough for Miss Victoria to feel comfortable feeding but still maintain enough distance between your providing the blood and her drinking it so that she knows your are willingly providing food but does not think of you as the food itself." He locked onto me with his steely intense gaze and said calmly but forcefully. "If I were even to suspect that you were considering letting Miss Victoria feed directly off of you, I would separate the two of you immediately and forbid any further contact between you permanently. Is that understood?"

I opened my mouth but no words came out, speechless under his onslaught.

He softened a bit. "Ms. Doyle," He said, gently removing the rattling teacup from my hand. "my concern is for your safety. What we attempt here is dangerous and, if done improperly, could cause irreparable harm. Miss Victoria is close to the breaking point otherwise I would not even consider this plan and I certainly would not consider involving you Ms. Doyle, if I did not trust you to proceed with all due caution."

He refilled my teacup and handed it back to me. "I would not wish to lose either one of you."

I smiled at him feeling a bit warm and fuzzy. 'How sweet.' I thought. "Thank you." I said, taking a sip.

"Yes, Sir Integra has charged me with the care of both yourself and Miss Victoria so it would be quite remiss of me to allow one of you to massacre the other in a frenzied bloodbath. She would be very annoyed at me to say the least."

My warm and fuzzy moment died. "I see." I said.

"Very messy. Quite inconvenient."

"OK, I get it!" Just couldn't leave it at warm and fuzzy, could you Walter?

He smiled slightly then his expression grew intense once again. "In all seriousness Ms. Doyle, if you have any doubts, any doubts whatsoever, please do not feel you must go through with this. We can always try something else."

"Is there another plan at this time?"

"Not as such, no."

"Well then, why don't we go over precisely how this is to be done." I said, putting down my teacup and handing him a syringe.

******

We sprang out plan on Seras that Thursday, one of my nights off from my "special training" with Alucard. When she woke up I was to be waiting for her in her room.

She had this cool mechanical canopy bed Walter had designed for her which converted into a sort of coffin during her daylight sleeping hours. She was late in getting up so I knocked on the lid a few times to wake her.

"Go away." Came her muffled voice.

"Get up!" I chirped loudly.

"I'm tired."

"Come now." I shouted cheerfully. "The moon is shining and all the ...um, owls are ...hooting in the breeze."

"Mumble murf munf muff!"

"That's no way for a lady to talk!" I said, smacking the lid. "You spend too much time hanging out with Burnadett."

"I'm tired. Go away."

I was weary of waiting and afraid I would loose my nerve so I sat down on top of her bed/coffin and started singing show tunes but warping the lyrics.

"There's a bright silver haze on the meadow. There's a bright silver haze on the meadow..."

"Shut it!" She said banging the lid once from the inside.

"When the black, black bat comes flap, flap, flapping along. A-long!" I sang, drumming my heels in time to the music. "Come on, I've got a million of these."

"OK. OK."

"Yeay!" I said, jumping off as the lid started to rumble open.

Seras rubbed her eyes, stretched, and rolled out of bed hitting the ground with a thud. She looked up at me smiling sheepishly. She still had her uniform on.

"Late night?"

"mmumf."

"I didn't hear the bell. Another of Captain Chambers' training exorcises?"

"grumble (yawn) munf munf."

I felt a bit guilty waking her up like this but Walter said she would be at her most pliant around twilight therefore more likely to accept my offer. I was just glad she wasn't as grumpy about being woken up as I am.

"Sorry." I said offering my hand. "But I have a surprise for you."

"Mmmm?"

"No, it's a surprise. You go wash up and I'll get it ready."

While she was gone, I pulled out my supplies. Walter had shown me how to run a line into a vein on the back of my hand and had helped me carefully tape the tube down and around to the bottom of my wrist so it did not show as much. We then, very carefully, cleaned away all traces of blood.

Now came the tricky part.

I was not to draw the blood directly in front of Seras but was also not to let it get cold so I only had a few minutes. I quickly filled several syringes without spilling a drop (take that Miss Pringle!) then removed the lid from the covered tray and set about injecting the items therein with the gruesome contents. I had just emptied the last syringe and was carefully wiping my line with an alcohol pad when she returned.

"What are you doing?" She asked as I quickly swept the syringe into my supply kit. I dropped the pad in after it and sealed the lid.

"A surprise for you! Sit down, sit down." I said, smiling and placing my hand behind my back.

She looked at me suspiciously and sat down her eyes on my box. I picked up the covered tray with my other hand and placed it in front of her grinning.

She lifted the lid and stared at the contents with a puzzled frown. "Truffles?"

"Not just any truffles my dear, Lindt dark chocolate truffles, the best!"

"But I ..." she started, then her nostrils flared. She stared at the the tray a moment, her eyes glazed, her lips slightly parted, then she slammed the lid down.

"They're very good." I said, pulling one from the bag I had set aside for myself and unwrapping it.

"They're filled with blood." She said in a dead pan voice.

"Yes, I know, I filled them." I said. "With my own blood no less!" I held up my wrist. "Pretty neat huh? Walter helped me with the tape."

"It's not funny." She said, glaring at me.

"No, it's not funny." I said, glaring back. "Not funny to watch you starve yourself night after night while I stuff my face in front of you. Not funny to watch you grow weaker and more desperate for food everyday. Not funny at all."

"But your blood... I can't." She said choking.

"As you say, it's my blood. I can give it to whomever I want."

She shook her head, closing her eyes and shuttering. "You're my friend, I can't feed off of you."

"You can and you will!" I said slamming my hand down on the table. "Look," I said taking her hand and stroking it gently. "If by giving you my blood I help ease your hunger even the slightest bit, then I am glad to give it." I looked deep into her eyes. "I offer it freely as a friend. Will you accept it?"

She looked at the tray and bit her lip with indecision.

"Young lady, if you don't eat your chocolate truffles, you will be sent to bed without any dessert!"

She smiled at me, lifting the lid. "What's for dessert then? Brussel sprouts?"

"How'd you guess? Now eat before it gets cold." I said popping my own unwrapped truffle into my mouth. "These are so good!" I said through a mouthful of chocolate.

She slowly, cautiously, placed a truffle in her mouth and bit into it. I tried not to think about my blood trickling down her throat and instead concentrated on unwrapping another truffle and eating it. It was all I could do not to throw up but I could not let Sears see that so I looked at the ceiling pretending to savor the candy until the nausea passed.

Seras reached for another piece. A good sign.

By her 4th truffle, I could finally look her in the eye again, just not at her mouth while she was chewing, and we were even managing a bit of light conversation. By her 8th truffle, Seras was chattering away like a magpie. I don't know if it was the blood or the caffeine but she was wired.

I just smiled and chattered back. Even when the last truffle began to leak, I just pretended I didn't notice it. Seras quickly popped it into her mouth, wiping the blood off of the tray with her finger.

"This is quite good." She said, unthinkingly licking her fingers.

"Yes, it's very good chocolate." I said, trying to silence the gibbering monkey in my head which was screaming at me to run away. 'It's OK. It's OK. Just pretend it's a cherry cordial. But it's not! It's my blood! It's OK. It's OK. You can do this.' "We should try Mrs. See's sometime it's my favorite." 'Oh God, oh God, oh God!'

******

It was dark in the corridor outside of Sera's room, just a single light bulb to mark the foot of the stairs and even darker down towards Alucard's chambers. Not many of the staff ventured this way and vampires don't mind the dark.

Normally I wouldn't mind the dark either but I was tired and dizzy and feeling a bit disturbed so when I placed my hand on the wall to steady myself and encountered not cold, rough stone but warm, smooth fabric, I was more than a little freaked out.

I yelped and jumped back stumbling over my own feet. I would have fallen if a strong hand had not firmly gripped my arm and pulled me back upright.

"Walter?" I screeched. "You startled me." I managed to say in a more normal voice as he released my arm.

"I am sorry." He said. "That was not my intent. I merely meant to be on hand, should you require assistance with the stairs."

I looked at him uncomprehending for a moment. How could I have not seen him? I must be tired.

"It's rather dim and the steps can be treacherous."

I looked over at the stairs then back at him. Me, Walter and staircases, quite the emotional history. I smiled at him sheepishly. "Thank you. That's very kind." I said handing him the box of supplies and following him to the stairs.

"Did everything go well?" He asked, motioning me to proceed him up the stairs. He followed immediately behind and just to the left of me.

"As well as could be expected." I said clambering up the the steps. "She ate but I'm afraid I..Whoops!" I had turned my head to speak to him and tripped on the next riser. Walter's hand came up to steady me. I looked down at the glove gripping my arm and gasped. I knew those gloves. That rough, heavy leather of their fingers, the smooth reinforced plates in the palm. Those were the gloves from my hallucination in the elevator. The ones he was wearing when he... I shuttered at the memory but forced myself not to yank my arm from his grip and possibly send us both tumbling down the stairs.

Why was he wearing those gloves?

"Ms. Doyle?"

"I'm fine, just a bit dizzy. I'll be all right in a moment." I half lied.

"Are you sure?" He asked. "I can..."

"No really, I'll be fine." I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. This was getting dangerously close to a reverse re-enactment of our first encounter on the stairs.

"Very well." Said Walter, lowering his hand.

I sagged with relief which caused Walter's hand to start up again. I bit my lip and forced myself not to flinch. He must have sensed something because he checked himself and stared down at his hand with a puzzled expression.

"Oh I am sorry Ms. Doyle. I'd forgotten to remove my work gloves. The plates didn't hurt you did they?" His intense gaze locked onto mine.


"No Walter." I said tightly, staring at the gloves. 'But the wire wrapped around my neck sure did.' I thought shuttering a bit. I still sometimes had nightmares.

He stared at me a moment longer. "Very thoughtless of me." He said dropping his hand to his side. "Please forgive me."

It was my turn to stare at him. The 'forgive me' seemed out of proportion. After all, he wasn't responsible for what had happened in the elevator. He had no control over Alucard's actions. Then it dawned on me that he wasn't just talking about the gloves.

Over these last several weeks, Walter had become more than just my babysitter, he had become my guardian and protector. Sheltering me, encouraging me, giving me the tools I needed to heal, to find my way. But for all his strengths, we both knew that there was one person, one thing, he could not protect me from.

Alucard.

He could advise me, console me but he could not shield me from the monster. What was it Alucard had said about Walter and his overdeveloped sense of chivalry?

My knight could not only not rescue the damsel from the dragon but had to keep sending her back into its cave, poorly armed and with very few defenses. The fact that she had volunteered did not seem to matter.

Far from decreasing him in my eyes, my hero worship for Walter only increased. I was a total heel for taking off my robe like that the other night and showing my bruises to everyone. I had let anger and spite move me to thoughtless action and poor Walter had once again borne the brunt of my foolishness by being drawn into a useless confrontation with Alucard. Alucard was right, I was pathetic and whiny.

"Walter," I said with all sincerity. "there is nothing to forgive."

There was an awkward moment of silence as Walter seemed to ponder a reply to my statement. For once, I was able to come to the rescue. I smiled and said lightly, "They are, after all, only a pair of gloves. No harm done, see?" I wiggled my arm to demonstrate. "But I am a bit hungry. Can we get something to eat?"

He eyed me for a moment then said. "Of course Ms. Doyle. What would you like?"

"Anything but chocolate." I said dramatically.

We both smiled a bit at that.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XL

It took two soul wrenching days for Griffin to teach me to maneuver the "Tortoise" about the motor pool lot without the constant grinding of gears and the unremitting wails of "Ach! Your a kellin her gel. Your kellin her!" from Bulls. Finally, on the third day, I was allowed to take the 'pur gel' once around the course on the proving grounds and managed to only run over two "pedestrian" pop-ups and a stuffed squirrel Bulls had thrown out in front of the transport.

I slammed on the brakes, throwing Griffin out of his seat and jumped out of the transport horrified and crying (just a little) thinking I had killed it. Griffin punched Bulls hard twice on the shoulder. Once, for making me cry and then again for offering me an oil rag as a handkerchief. Bulls apologetically pulled the mangled lump out from under the treads to show me it wasn't real.

"Wow," I said snuffling a bit. "Those treads really did a number on him."

"Ah the pur wee beasty, do you think he's done for Corrine?" Asked Bulls.

"Poor beasty my as-ah butt." Said Griffin. "Your the idiot who tossed it."

"Aye, but I dinna quite realize..."

"You want me to fix him for you?" I asked.

"Can ya you think?"

"I can try." I said.

"I've got a better idea." Said Griffin tossing me up onto his beefy shoulder and shouting 'Medic!" as he ran for the back of the transport. Bulls laughed and ran along behind us the "squirrel" flopping about in his hands.

Anders came charging in after us, medical bag at the ready only to find a dismembered stuffed animal on his gurney. "You think he'll pull through doc?" was all Griffin had time to say before Anders physically thew us out of the back of the transport calling us 'juvenile idiots' and something else, in German I believe, before slamming the door shut in our faces.

We all looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"I hope he's not too mad." I said. "He already doesn't like me."

"Naw, it's good. He ain't been properly pissed off in ages."

"What do you mean? He always seems angry to me."

"Yeah, he's been an angry SOB since we got here." Said Griffin.

"Aye all mopin and morose. Specially since you shewed oop."

"Gee, thanks." I said. "I feel much better now."

"Noo, noo he's been angry ya see but he haint been pissed off proper for some time."

"You lost me." I said.

"That's cause Groundskeeper Willie here don't speak English proper." Said Griffin. "Look it's simple. Anders has always been a moody one, 'thinks too much' the Sarge says. Thinks about things guys like us shouldn't think about."

"Like what."

"like when life begins, when it ends...where you go after you die. The kind of things that might make you think twice before you pull the trigger and blow some guy's head off. Make you think maybe you shouldn't cause what if he's got a family or what if I'm going to Hell for killing some guy I've got no beef with just cause I'm gettin paid too. Then it's your brains that end up spattered on the wall cause you can be sure that's not what the other guy's thinking, he's thinking I'm gonna kill this stupid SOB before he kills me."

"Too philosophical." Said Bulls.

"Yeah," Said Griffin. "Too many books, too much thinking."

I looked at them speechless.

"Look now, you've shooked her."

"Aww, it's just the truth is all. I mean ain't none of of saints. Corrine knows that."

"No, yes. I mean, I know it's the truth. I just never thought about it that way before."

"That's the ticket Corrine. There's stuff ya just shouldn't think too close about too often. You'll just wake up screaming at night and that's no good is it?"

"Of course." I said. Pushing my misgivings aside to think about later.

"See, she get's it."

"Smart gel."

"Yeah. But now see Anders, he gets stuck thinking about these things and then gets all moody and mad cause he can't stop. Usually, we can knock him out of it by doing something real stupid and annoying to piss him off. Then he can yell and blow off steam and be OK again for awhile. Not too bad a guy. Kinda funny in a over thinky sort of way."

"Boot lately, nothing we did would piss him oof and we rella di try, you know."

"I'm sure you did."

"Yeah but he wouldn't yell. He would just get more and more quiet and more and more angry. Finally the Sarge said to just leave him alone. That he could be as pissy as he wanted as long as he did his job right. So we did."

"Till now."

"Yeah, well, the squirrel thing was just to good to miss."

"Brilliant."

"Yeah."

"Well, it was kind of funny." I admitted. "Do you think it worked?"

"I hoope so."

"Yeah, the yellin' in German was a good sign. He usually only does that when you break something."

"So now what?" I asked. We still had an hour left in my training session and Anders had locked himself, and the keys, inside.

"Tch, we rella should get er back un there afore Mr. Walter comes back."

"Yeah, with that damn clipboard lookin all dissapprovin like."

"Or the Sargent..."

"shi...oot. We gotta get her back in" Griffin looked at me apologetically. I smiled back at him. tickled at his efforts to not swear around me. 'How odd my life is.' I thought.

"Can ya jimmy the lock Porn?" Asked Bulls.

Griffin nodded. "But you'll need to distract Anders. He's wicked mean with those needles."

"Hmm." Said Bulls. "Tricky."

"We could just ask him to open the door." I said.

"Naw" Said Griffin. "Oh, I know. Corrine, why don't you.. (whisper, whisper)..Ouch!"

I glared at him barely amused.

"Fine, leave your top on. Oh, I know, you could bend over to get something and.. Ouch!"

"Or," I said through gritted teeth. "we could just ask him to open the door."

"Nooo, I dunna think so Corrine. It hasta be tricky you see."

"Yeah, like if Corrine were to..."

Don't make me hit you again."

"OK, OK relax. No nudity sheeze."

"Oooh, I know." Said Bulls, introducing a very bad plan involving a tow truck and a diffused hand grenade.

"Naw," Said Griffin. "How about..." This was an even worse plan and involved a small brush fire.

"Or," I said marching towards the transport. "we could just ask him to open the door."

"Noo, Corrine. Noo! Ye can't ask him! It hasta be tricky."

"Yeah, or it don't count. See?"

"Fine." I sighed. "I'll think of something."

"Good girl. I just need a minute, two tops, if he took the keys and I hav'ta hotwire it. "

"Don you cut my pur babe. She's been through enough."

I left them bickering,walked to the back door of the transport and knocked. "Anders?" I called out.

"What do you want?" Came his muffled voice through the door.

"Would you please open the door?"

"Why?"

" I..." I caught sight of Griffin circling the ambulance as Bulls kept waiving and tapping the side of his nose to remind me to be 'tricky'. I sighed. "I um, hit my head on the door frame when Griffin carried me into the Tortoise." I said.

"So?"

"I thought you could check it."

"Ha!"

I tapped my foot impatiently and was rewarded with a twinge where my leg had been clawed. "I ah, also think I may have ripped one of your sutures."

The door swung open a bit, Anders stuck his head out, stared at my leg a moment then said, "No you didn't" and slammed the door shut in my face.

Griffin who was now sidling his large frame along the far side of the vehicle gave me a thumbs up while Bulls was signaling me from the sidelines to 'stretch it out'. Subtle as turkey vultures, the both of them. I sighed and knocked again.

"Anders?"

"Still here?"

"Yes. Please open the door."

"Why?"

"Because you've locked us out and I have to drive us back to the motor pool before Walter or Sergent Marks comes looking for us."

Anders poked his head out the door and glared at me. "Why didn't you just say that the first time?"

"Not tricky enough?" I asked meekly.

His gaze shifted to Bulls then back to me. "Ah." He said. His mouth twitched slightly. He cleared his throat then in a loud voice said. "You think you ripped a suture you say?" He gazed at me expectantly.

"Oh, ah yes. I think I may have." I said in an equally loud voice.

"Well best come in then so I can check it." He shouted, opening the door wider and ushering me inside. He shook his head as he closed the door behind me. "So they went with the honey trap. Surprised you've still got your shirt on."

I blushed. "This was the only plan that did not involve destruction of property and or nudity."

"Ripped sutures?" He said. "Has anyone ever told you what a terrible liar you are?"

"Pretty much everyone I've tried lying to." I confessed.

That surprised a laugh out of him.

"I really did bump my head though."

"Good." He said sternly but moving over to run gentle fingers across my scalp to find the small lump.

There was some muffled cursing outside as Griffin tried to jimmy the lock.

"Idiots." Said Anders.

"They really do mean well you know." I said.

He raised his eyebrow at me.

"In an oddly perverse and annoying kind of way."

"They're not even trying to be subtle anymore."

"They're just trying to cheer you up."

He sighed. "I know."

There was more muffled cursing and small metallic grinding noises as Griffin continued struggling with the lock.

"You would think he'd be better at this." I said remembering Griffin bragging about all the cars he'd stolen as a kid.

"Not if I've jammed the locking mechanism shut." He said. "Amazing what you can do with a clamp and some surgical tape."

It was my turn to laugh. "You're like Medic MacGyver."

"Yes." He said drolly. "He'll figure it out in a minute. He was born to steal. Follow my finger. Just your eyes please."

He straightened out tucking his pen light away. "Your good." he said. tossing me the keys.

"OK to drive then Doc?" I asked.

"Yes. Please do hurry before he tries to hotwire it."

"No." I said touching his arm. "I mean, is it OK to drive with you?"

He became quite still. "If I say no?"

"Then I ask Walter to put me somewhere else."

He stared at me intently for a long moment then held out his hand. "Lukas Anders." He said. "Looks like we'll be riding together."

"Corrine Doyle." I said. "Looks like we are."

There was a tearing noise then a sort of a 'sproingg ping' as the clamp broke loose and flew across the inside of the transport's cabin. A low, evil chuckle rumbled from Griffin as the lock popped open.

He actually seemed disappointed to find me already sitting in the driver's seat.

It all ended well though.

I manged to back the Tortoise into the garage without further incident and Bulls was so delighted that Griffin had not had to hotwire her that he presented me with a nice pink lay to hang from the rear view mirror. Anders pretended to hate it beyond reason in front of them both and so everyone was happy by the time Walter arrived to fetch me for tea.

Which, of course, made me happy.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXXIX

For the rest of the morning we all tried to be very, very quiet and not be noticed by Miss Pringle.

Dr Levin had it easy, he simply fled to his office, Andrew proved quite proficient in the fine art of camouflage, disguising himself as a piece of lab equipment while Seras and I pretended to be potted plants.

It was all working beautifully until just before noon when Miss Pringle went into Dr. Levin's office to deliver her hourly report and caught him printing out the specs Zelig had emailed for the new bulletin board. The brittle smile she had kept plastered to her face all morning shattered, she burst into tears and stormed out of the lab.

When Walter arrived to fetch me a few minutes later, he was greeted by a chorus of "It wasn't me!" from Dr. Levin, the centrifuge and a couple of palm trees.

"It really wasn't me this time." I said to Walter as we headed out to the motor pool for my 'driving on the wrong side of the road' lesson from Griffin.

"Perhaps not directly and yet, lately, whenever my life is disrupted Ms. Doyle, there you always seem to be."

"But in a good way, right?"

"Hardly."

I muttered under my breath.

"I beg you pardon Ms. Doyle?"

"You heard me."

"I believe you just called me 'stuffy'?"

"That's right."

"I fail to see how a dislike of disruptions in one's life warrants the use of the term stuffy."

"Perhaps not, but your use of the term 'one's life' in that sentence certainly does."

"Ms. Doyle."

"Now wait, listen. I'm just trying to explain how disruption can be a good thing."

"I am breathless with anticipation."

"Aww see now that's sarcasm, we don't use that in the States. I have half a mind not to tell you then you will always wonder at the pearls of wisdom you may have missed. "

"Ah, my humblest apologies. Pray, do continue Ms. Doyle."

"This is me ignoring the sarcasm."

"You are in an interesting mood today Ms. Doyle."

"I am Mr. Dolneaze, I really am." I grinned at him wickedly.

He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Oh I don't know, perhaps it's the change in the weather, I'm feeling quite..."

"Perverse? Feverish perhaps?"

"I was going to say feisty."

"Hmm."

"Speaking of perverse, you're in a bit a mood today yourself."

"Am I Ms. Doyle?"

"Yes, Mr. Dolneaze."

"I never considered myself as the type to be subject to 'moods'."

"Hmm. Well I suppose even Uberbutlers are entitled to them now and again."

"Oh, I'm quite certain we're not."

"No?"

"It's strictly forbidden I'm afraid."

"Well that seems a bit unfair."

"Page 43 of the handbook: In order to obtain Evil Butler Superpowers, one most forgo mood swings, flights of fancy and looking at paintings of small children with overly large eyes."

I swung around to stare at him my jaw agape. "How...?"

He gazed at me serenely.

"Seras! That traitor."

"I assure you it wasn't intentional. She was trying to tell Corporal Bulls a joke and she didn't realize I was in the next room."

"I'm going to kill her!"

"That would be a bit redundant don't you think?"

I glared at him a moment then deflated. "Do you ever tire of being right all the time Walter?"

"Never."

"Humph!"

I tried to look put out but simply could not muster a scowl. It just kept turning into a grin.

The prior day had been a misery for me as I wondered how my, oh so public, skirmish with Alucard was going to effect my relationships with the rest of the Hellsing staff. I knew Seras would understand and stand by me no matter what but was not so sure how the Geese and Walter would react once the dust had settled. I had spent the morning on pins and needles until Walter had picked me up from the lab and brought me to the motor pool for my first driving lesson on the medical transport.

Walter had been his usual hard to read self but Griffin had greeted me warmly and the pink, fuzzy steering wheel cover and lighted vanity mirror he and Bulls had jokingly installed (over Anders' wild protest) had eased my fears a bit. Stewart and Zelig's stunt in the lab the next day had left no doubt in my mind where I stood with the Geese, freak or no, I was still their Corrine.

And now Walter, who had had to cancel tea with me the day before in order to finish up the budget meeting my serenade had disrupted, was teasing me again. You don't really realize how much you miss a thing until it is gone and strange as it sounds Walter busting my chops had become a very important part of my day. That and tea. I really, really, like tea.

I smiled a bit then sobered trying to reorder my thoughts. "Where was I?"

"We were discussing the the futility of your homicidal inclinations towards Miss Victoria."

"No, no, before that."

"Disruptions?"

"Yes, disruptions. Thank you."

"Of course."

"I mean where would we be without disruption?"

"One can only dream."

"No, we would be nowhere. Disruptions challenge us. They goad us out of complacency and into action. Distractions, while also sometimes useful, can be ignored but a good old fashion disruption forces us to confront our problems and resolve our issues. It's the fuel that helps the creative spark take fire. It forces us to innovate to progress."

"That is a surprisingly good argument." He said.

"Yes, I'm very smart you know."

His lips quirked a bit indicating that the word he was thinking of began with 'smart' but didn't end there.

"And how, Ms. Doyle would you argue that distractions are useful?"

"Oh that's easy. The word itself tells you how."

"Oh yes?"

"Yes." I said raising a finger. "Distraction; dis, from the Latin 'to discuss ', action from the Greek to 'go do something fun' ."

He looked at me for a moment his eyebrow raised. "Ah, what a fine example you are Ms. Doyle of the American public school system."

"You scoff Mr. Dolneaze and yet," I said indicating myself with a flourish. "Worlds biggest superpower."

Ms. Doyle, I will concede that a modicum of disruption can be useful if you will concede that the remainder..."

"Yes Mr. Dolneaze?"

"Are hopelessly untidy and generate far to much paperwork."

"I bow to the master Walter."

He nodded sagely.

"Walter?"

"Yes Ms. Doyle?"

"Was there anything else you had to give up for your Evil Butler superpowers?"

"Jelly-babies."

"Oh, that's too bad."

"Yes, I was quite fond of them in my youth." He said opening the door for me to the motor pool's office.

I smiled as he ushered me inside. Walter was teasing me again and all was right with the world.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XXXVIII

Oddly enough things have become a bit more normal since that night. Normal, of course, being a relative term.

I seem to have passed some sort of test with Alucard. He is still cruel, brutally so at times, but he has begun to actually explain which lesson it is that will be hammered into me in a given evening. He also seems less inclined to frighten me at every turn but is still determined to push me to the breaking point and sometimes beyond.

Currently we are working on my ability to sense and communicate with the undead across distances. I can now always tell where Seras is anywhere on the estate and can even pick up on and send her some rudimentary messages, images mostly. I can still only sense Alucard when he is physically near or wants me to "see" him.

There is also something down there in the caves, it's faint but I can feel its wrongness. I keep telling myself that its just an illusion of Alucard's to scare me but I am too frightened of confronting him and finding out that I am wrong.

The Geese, of course, are unfazable (Note my heroic self control in not using the word 'unflappable' here). Two days after the grotto "party" Stewart and Zelig paid an unannounced visit to the lab towing an oscilloscope behind them.

While Stewart brightly explained to an interested Dr. Levin and a horrified Miss Pringle that they wanted to run some tests on my voice, Zelig wandered about the lab oohing and ahhing over some of the more intricate machines, an annoyed Andrew trailing him repeatedly saying things like 'put that down please sir' and 'don't touch that, it's delicate'.

Seras, who had been totally bored and asking for the last half hour if she could please just go to bed, suddenly perked up. She put down the "Guns and Ammo" magazine she had been thumbing through and asked excitedly if I was going to sing for them.

"Of course not!" Said Miss Pringle "Don't be ridiculous!"

"Why ever not?" Asked Seras annoyed. "Sounds fun."

"Yes, why not?" Asked Stewart.

"Well first off," said Miss Pringle "This is a professional lab not a science fair exhibit. Dr Levin is a very busy man doing very important work. We do not do things because they 'sound fun'."

"I can vouch for that." I said. "The no fun part that is." I muttered under my breath.

Seras giggled.

Miss Pringle narrowed her eyes at me.

"Well, I am a busy man." Said Dr. Levin unsure.

"Yes, Dr. you are." chirped Miss Pringle. "Besides, there are regulations to consider." She said meaningfully.

"Regu-whats?" Asked Zelig pondering a centrifuge while absently knuckle rolling a test tube between his fingers.

Andrew, his arms now full of assorted items he had taken away from Zelig, gestured with his head towards the prominently posted, engraved sign prohibiting singing, humming or whistling in the lab.

"That's a joke right?" Said Zelig. "I sometimes have trouble telling." He whispered to Andrew.

"Not in the least." Said Miss Pringle. "Posted regulations are to be upheld at all times."

"If it's on the wall, it's law." Seras and I chorused.

"Well I can understand that. Rules are important" Said Stewart locking his attention on Miss Pringle and attempting to charm her with a smile. but couldn't we just 'take down' the sign just this one time for a bit. You know, for science."

Miss Pringle pursed her lips clearly torn between rules and flattery.

"Unfortunately It's bolted to the wall." Remarked Andrew wryly, clearly forgetting Zelig's earlier confession about jokes and not getting them.

"Oh I can fix that." Said Zelig brightly. He stuck the test tube on the end of Andrew's finger and pulled out a long, wicked looking knife from his belt.

"Gaahh!" Said Andrew.

"Bugger." Said Stewart.

"Oooh." said Seras appreciatively. "Is that the D2 Extreme?"

"Mmmhmm." Said Zelig strolling past a terrified Andrew towards the sign. "Got it on eblade." He stopped before the picture and tilted his head appraisingly. He lifted his thumbs and forefingers before him like a director framing up a shot.

"Just what do you think your doing there young man!" Said Dr. Levin. He turned to Stewart "What is he doing?"

"Um.." Said Stewart

"Aha, right, got it." said Zelig.

"Berti, wait.." Said Stewart but it was too late.

Flourishing his knife dramatically, Zelig leaped up into the air then, in one blindingly fast move, swung his arm down sliding the blade between the sign and the wall. There was quiet 'pop, pop' noise just as Zelig landed lightly on his feet. He sheathed his knife then reached out his hand just in time to have the sign fall neatly into his palm.

Seras and I applauded as he spun the sign on his finger and bowed.

"What did you do? You horrid little man!"

"What?" Zelig asked confused. He glanced at the wall then back at Miss Pringle's angry expression. "Oh I see." he said. "Well, I can fix that." He started to hand the sign to Andrew only to find him no longer standing there. "Huh," he said. then shrugged and Frisbee'd the sign over to Stewart. He pulled out his knife, tilted his head, whistled a bar from the '1812 overture' and sprang once more into the air. 'Clink-pop', 'Clink-pop' two bolts flew from the wall caught deftly in Zelig's free hand.

The crowed (that would be Seras and I) cheered.

"That was so cool!" I said.

"Bravo, Zelig. Well done!" added Seras.

"Please don't encourage him." Said Stewart. "He's very literal." He said to Pringle and Levin. "He really means well." He added as a cheerful Zelig proudly presented miss Pringle with the bolts from the wall.

"I can Spackle the holes for you if you'd like, probably won't even need paint. Or..., " Said Zelig staring up at the wall a dreamy expression on his face. "Or you could put up a bulletin board. Better yet, one of those dry erase boards with the steel backing for magnets or, or," He said, pulling out a pencil and notebook from his pocket. "I could make you a custom board with a testing schedule organizer and a results tally space, ooh yes and little line of hooks across the bottom, in burnished brass of course," He continued, sketching furiously. "to hang your medical charts on and Velcro pen holders on the clip boards so you don't loose the pens, I love Velcro don't you?"

"Err, yes?" Said Dr Levin.

"And Perhaps I could rig up a few ticker tape type electronic banners you know, to monitor tests in progress. Yes, nice! " He said adding a few last strokes before handing the paper to Dr. Levin.

"Err.." Said Dr. Levin.

"What? " Said Miss Pringle. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Ridiculous?" Bristled Zelig.

"What she means Zelig," Said Stewart. "is that it's more than they need. "

"I know what I meant." Grumped Miss Pringle.

"But It would look so much better. Real, hi tech science-y like."

"That's not even a real word!" Said Miss Pringle.

Zelig looked down his nose at her disdainfully. "You, have no art in your soul." He sniffed, then turned to me. "You see what I have to deal with?"

"Most great artists are under-appreciated in their time Berti." I said.

"You see," he said to Stewart. "Corrine understands. That's cause she's got art in her soul."

"Thank you Berti." I beamed.

"Not helping." Said Stewart.

"I wouldn't mind a dry erase board." Said Dr. Levin.

"Yes!" Said Zelig."

Miss Pringle looked at Dr. Levin aghast.

"Well, maybe not the whole lot." He back-pedalled. "Afraid we don't have the budget. But those hooks sound jolly nice." He said to a crestfallen Zelig.

"Budgets," Sighed Zelig. "The unremitting bane of all true artists."

"Perhaps the Velcro pens too?" Piped up Andrew from the corner he had been cowering in. "I never can seem to find one when it's needed."

"And you could use the magnets to post your hourly updates." Said Dr. Levin placatingly to Miss Pringle. "So they don't get misplaced."

"True..." Said Miss Pringle pursing her lips in thought.

There was a moment of silence as we all contemplated the wall's potential then Miss Pringle shook her head and said, "Bah! That's not the point. The point is this man..." She said gesturing towards Zelig.

"Quite right Miss Pringle. Quite right. "Where would we all be without you keeping us on track?" Interrupted Stewart. "We were of course discussing the experiment we wanted to work with Dr. Levin on."

"Work on with Dr. Levin." Corrected Miss Pringle.

"That's the spirit Miss Pringle." Said Stewart. "Glad to have you on board. Isn't that right Zelig?"

"What?" Asked Zelig who, with the help of Dr. Levin, had begun measuring the wall.

"Experiment." Said Stewart, tapping the oscilloscope with a finger.

"Right!" Said Zelig. "The experiment." He put his arm around Dr. Levin's shoulders and walked him over to the device. "Your going to love this." He said. "We thought, if we could sync up the outputs of this device with your EEG, we could track both the changes in the sound waves as well as her brain waives when she starts 'broadcasting'. "

"Interesting." Said Dr. Levin. "How do you propose to synchronize the output?"

"We thought we could jack them both into my laptop." Said Stewart. "I've modified some music editing software. I figure I can rip the output from both devices then layer them into a single file."

"You can do that?" Asked Andrew from his corner.

"Easy!" Said Stewart. "Technically we don't really need the oscilloscope but the mic on my laptop isn't that great plus, It adds to the whole 'mad science' look of the thing."

"You've been reading my 'Girl Genius' comics again haven't you?" I asked

"No." He said. "Don't need to. "

I raised my eyebrows.

"I found the web-comic online."

"Ha!"

"Don't get off topic Corrine." Said Zelig. "She's so distractable." He said to Dr Levin shaking his head. "But she bakes great brownies...so I've heard." He added pointedly.

I opened my mouth to retort but he held up his hand. "As we were saying." He said turning back to Dr. Levin. "We thought we would start her off acapella then move on to acoustic accompaniment, then perhaps recorded music too see if effects the results."

"Hmm." Said Dr. Levin. "How long would it take to set this up?"

"The software is loaded and Stewart here is a passable guitar player so we don't need to wait for that part, we can just jack these puppies up and go."

"Passable?" Asked Stewart offended.

"Puppies?" Asked Seras confused.

"Of course," Continued Zelig tapping a finger on his lips thinking. "later we could have a real musician play an instrument, just to see if impacts her performance."

"I'd like to discuss my impact with you right now Cupcake." Said Stewart.

Zelig whirled on Stewart. "It was agreed that we would not be using that name any longer."

"Must have missed that meeting." Said Stewart.

" It's Z now."

"What? Sorry, can't hear you Cupcake. Probably because I'm apparently tone deaf."

"It's Z!" Shouted Zelig. Puffing up like an affronted rooster.

"Not," Said Stewart quietly but firmly. "until Sargent Marks says so."

I thought for sure Zelig would explode but instead he just seemed to deflate. "Not 'til I earned it?" Said Zelig despondently.

"That's right." Said Stewart.

Zelig sighed. "It's very hard you know, the Seeing?" He frowned down at his clever little hands "Hard to make people understand."

He looked so terribly sad it that moment it was all could do not jump up and throw my arms around him. Even Miss Pringle looked sympathetic.

"You'll get there Berti." Said Stewart gently. "You just need to concentrate more that's all. I'll help."

"I suppose."

"Come on, lets hook this all up so we can have Corrine sing."

"Much as I hate to ruin this touching moment," Said Miss Pringle with a gleam in her eye. "I don't think that we are going to be able run your little experiment today."

"Why ever not?" Said Seras bringing us full circle in a moment of deja vu.

"I'm afraid that our EEG is not equipped to connect to your machine." Said Miss Pringle waiving the cables at Zelig. "So sorry." She said not looking sorry at all.

"Well drat." Said Seras.

"What nonsense is this?" Said Zelig. "Let me see." He said wrestling the cables from Miss Pringle's grasp. "Ummm hmmm."

"Wait, I think I've got something here." Said Stewart diving into his duffel. "Don't do anything!" He said to Zelig.

"Uh huh, hmmm." said Zelig ignoring Stewart as he blithely began disconnecting the cables and humming snatches of 'A little Night Music' .

"What are you doing?" Said Miss Pringle. "Stop that this instant!"

"Zelig, leave it be! I think I've got an adapter somewhere." Said Stewart. He glance up at Dr. Levin. "He's fine as long as its Mozart. That's just his thinking music. It's Beethoven and Wagner you have to worry about."

"Look you..." Began Miss Pringle tapping Zelig on the shoulder.

"Mmm hmm?" Said Zelig distractedly. "No time right now honey. Here, hold this." He said handing the loose cables to her. "And this." He said, placing a flashlight in her other hand. "Just shine it right there on the panel for me baby thanks." He finished patting her on the rump and pulling out a screwdriver.

Miss Pringle's face turned bright red, she glared at Zelig, outrage apparent in every angular line of her body. The cables dropped to the ground with a thump as Miss Pringle straightened to her full height seething and towering over an oblivious Zelig. The only noise in the room besides Zelig's humming was a slight terrified chocking sound from Andrew's corner. She raised the flashlight slowly and dangerously over her head. We were about to witness the death of Cupcake.

"Yes!" Said Stewart pulling some objects from the bag. He straitened and turned back to face us. "These should wor... Oh, bollocks." He swore as Miss Pringle swung her arm down to brain Zelig.

Without blinking, he ducked under the blow then reached out with his hand and pulled Miss Pringle's arm further forward. Overbalanced she fell stomach down into his lap. "Oof! I told you no time to play right now honey. I'm busy. Now, if your not going to help," He said tugging the flashlight from her hand. "Your going to have to scoot!" He raised up his hand and swatted her hard on the butt then slid her off his lap depositing her onto the floor.

"Oh, oh dear." Whispered Dr. Levin. Miss Pringle?" He started towards her as if to help her up but was brought up short by her murderous glare.

"You horrible, demented, twisted little dwarf of a man! How dare you?" She screamed as she Scrambled onto her hands and knees."

Zelig looked at her, a mildly annoyed expression on his face. "If you didn't want to help you could of just said so."

She just looked at him stunned for a moment then gritted out between her teeth. "There is something very, very wrong with you."

Zelig just shrugged and turned back to his work prodding at something with his knife.

Miss Pringle rose to her feet with as much dignity as she could muster. "If you ever touch me again, I promise to un-man you with that knife."

Zelig looked up at her with renewed interest. "Really?"

"Yes."

Zelig rose up in one fluid movement grinning at her. "Promise?" He said balancing his knife on one finger and holding it out towards her.

She looked down at the knife, her lips compressed into a hard line. Her fingers twitched. For a moment I thought she might actually go for it. Then she looked back up at him. "Get out." she said grimly.

He twirled his blade back into his palm and looked at her askance. "You're just a bit too weird for me baby."

"Get out!"

He shrugged and turned to Stewart. "Maybe we should introduce her to Griffin, he likes them high strung repressed ones."

"Zelig!" I gasped.

"What? Well he does."

"Get out!!" Screamed Miss Pringle, her fisted hands banging on her thighs. "You delusional, talentless, disgusting hack!"

"Talentless?" Sputtered Zelig glaring at her with blood in his eye. "You little.."

"Steady Zelig." Said Stewart.

Zelig glared at Miss Pringle a moment longer then his expression went blank. "It's the mustard coloured Mini right?"

"Whoa! That's our cue I believe." Said Stewart, grabbing Zelig by the collar and tugging him towards the door.

"What? I was just asking." Protested Zelig.

"Yeah, right." Said Stewart. "Why don't we schedule a meeting for later?" He said to Dr Levin.

"I'll send you an estimate." Chimed in Zelig as he was dragged through the doorway. " Won't even let me chat up a bird." He muttered.

"Stuff it." Came Stewart's voice from the hall. "I can't take you anywhere."

"Your just jealous cause the girls all want me." Said Zelig as the elevator door chimed in the background.

"One more word from you and I'm telling the Sarge and he'll take away your blasting caps again."

"Aww, see, now that's just mean."

"Look Berti, I'm going to tell you one more time. It's like the Captain says; 'there are ladies and then there are'..." Said Stewart as the elevator doors closed cutting off the rest of his sentence.