LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLVI

I froze, handful of popcorn halfway to my mouth. "Me?"

"You." He said.

I blinked up at him innocently. "What?"

He crossed his arms and scowled.

"Oh that. Hadn't we finished talking about that?" I asked examining a kernel before popping it in my mouth.

"No, we have not."

"Are you quite sure? I felt certain we had finished." I said, tossing in three more kernels.

"Non."

"Hm num mum mum." I said stuffing the rest of the popcorn in my mouth and grabbing another handful from the bowl.

"Stop stalling Chanson. We are going to discuss this."

"Of course." I said docilely. "Oh, did you see the new girl Cook just hired?" (She asked innocuously.)

"Nice try Corrine, but it won't work." Said Marks.

"Is she pretty?" Asked Burnadett. "No, no, Marks is right. You will not distract us from this Chanson."

"Wouldn't dream of it Pip." I said amiably. "Is that a cuttlefish your carving Berti or are you moving on to Cthulhu myths?"

"Cthulhu, cuttlefish don't have legs Corrine."

"Yes but neither do most Cthulhu gods."

"True, but see he's chewing on H.P. Lovecraft here."

"Ah, yes, I see. Quite...Realistic."

"Of course."

"Zelig." Said Stewart mildly. "We weren't going to get distracted today remember?"

"Focusing right?"

"Right." Said Stewart "Shame on you Corrine." He said, wagging a finger at me.

I attempted to look chastised.

"You are talking instead of listening Chanson."

"Yes, of course, I'm all ears." I said.

"They're my favorite you know?" Said Zelig.

"What?" I asked.

"Cuttlefish. they're my favorite invertebrate."

"Mine too!"

"I love how they change color and shape at will, I wish I could do that. If I could do that I could be my own art all the time." He sighed.

"Zelig!" Roared the Captain.

"What? Oooh, right! Focusing."

"And you." Growled Burnadett turning back towards me. "No more talking unless you are answering my direct questions."

I mimed locking up my mouth and tossing the key.

The captain shook his head and sighed. "Now Chanson, it is not so much the bruises as it is..." He frowned at me as I plucked an ice cube from my water glass and began sliding it down my neck. "As it.... What are you doing?" He asked, interrupting himself.

"It's hot in here." I said.

"It's not that hot." He said.

"It's stifling!" I argued, sliding the ice cube back up my neck.

Marks snorted and shook his head grinning.

The captain pointed an angry finger at me and opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Griffin. "Jet," He said to Blaven. "I will give you 50 to make her spill that whole glass down her shirt."

"What?" I yelped, accidentally dropping the ice cube down my cleavage.

"Dollars or Pounds?"

"Dollars."

"Pfft."

"Fine, pounds."

"Eh" Said Blaven.

"75" Said Griffin staring intently at the spreading damp spot on the front of my shirt. Why oh why did I wear white today?

"Wellll."

"You stay out of this Griffin!" I yelled.

The captain placed his fists on his hips and tilted his head at me. "Non Chanson, you started this show for everyone but I warn you, mon petit navet, Griffin, he always calls the bluff and Blaven will do anything for money."

"True." Said Blaven.

I slammed the glass down on the coffee table as far away from him as possible.

"Hey!" Shouted Zelig. "Oh no wait, hmmm" He said dipping his finger in a droplet of spilled water and tracing it along the grain. "Ahh yes, I see." He said reaching for his knife and whistling a selection from "Peter and the Wolf".

The captain pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "You," He said. "are being astoundingly annoying tonight. I am thinking that your dear mother did not spank you nearly enough as a child." He glanced at me thoughtfully for a moment. "I am thinking perhaps that I shall take Griffin's money but instead of this little glass I drag you outside and spray you down with the hose."

"Ha!" I scoffed then stiffened as I looked up at him. "You wouldn't dare."

"Ah, wouldn't I?" He said smiling crookedly. "Two things you should know about me mon cher panais, there is nothing I don't dare and..." He paused a moment to lean over me and place his hands on the back of the couch to either side of my head. "I rarely bluff."

"But..." I whispered then fell silent as he raised one arm and snapped his fingers.

I watched, horrified as a blue poker chip arced its way across the room towards us. Gaze never leaving mine, he snatched it from the air then brought his hand down before my face. "Care to risk it?" he asked holding the chip up with two fingers.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLV

"That is one spectacular set of bruises." Said corp. Sherman taking a picture of the suspiciously kiwi shaped line of marks running up the side of my calf to just above my knee. "Definitely going in the album." *

[*One of Corporal Sherman's many odd hobbies is taking pictures of "interesting" injuries and sharing them with his friends back home in West Virginia. He also enjoys fashioning jewelry from spent shell casings for his mother and sisters and preparing and eating things that most people would not actually consider food. He's quite versatile really and unabashedly, unashamedly proud of his call sign "Hillbilly".]

"You should see my right shoulder."

"Really?" he said tugging at the loose button down shirt I had pulled on over my tank top. "Holy Moses!"

"Hey! If anyone is undressing women in this barracks it is to be me and... Mon dieu! Is that a pentagram?" Said Burnadett.

"I think so." I said, twisting my head around. "I can't really see it."

"Hold still Corrine! I'm going to want a close up of this." Said Sherman. "Captain, would you hold this pen up next to it for scale?"

The Captain frowned but complied.

"Good. Now one with me in it. Will you take the picture Doc?"

"I'll shove it down your throat. Zieke aangeboren idiot." Said Anders.

He handed me an Ice pack for my leg and bent down to examine my shoulder. "And how exactly did this one happen?" He asked.

"Well, I ducked when he threw an orange at me so..." I shrugged.

"So what'd he use on you, blueberries or something?" Asked Sherman, undaunted by Anders' glare.

"Currents actually."

"Close range was it?"

"About 25 feet away."

Sherman whistled. "Impressive." He said reaching almost reverently towards my shoulder. "Such precision."

"Dwaas! Verlof alvorens ik u sloeg." Snapped Anders as he slapped Sherman's hand away.

"Oh bite me Doc! She don't mind why should you?"

Anders turned to Marks. "Please make him go away."

"Oh you give me a headache. Why don't you both go away." Said Burnadett.

"Excellent idea." Said Marks. "Both of you out."

"What! Your kidding right?" Sputtered Sherman.

"That's two laps Sherman." Said Marks who did not like to ask twice. "Now."

Sherman stomped off, muttering under his breath.

Anders looked inclined to argue as well but wisely kept his mouth shut. He instead mutely held up the ointment jar he had pulled out of his bag.

"I'll take care of it." Said Marks gently lifting the jar from Anders' hand. "You go cool off Häckchen ." He said giving him a friendly but firm shove towards the door.

Marks had turned to frown down at me so he never saw the look of pure adoration Anders gave him just before walking out the door. It was then I realized that Lukas Anders would walk though Hell and back without blinking just to bring Sergeant Marks a thimble full of water. I am not sure why as I was pretty sure that Marks had just called him a tick.

Marks shook his head "Was sind wir, zum mit ihm zu tun?" he asked Burnadett.

"Es erhält schlechter." The captain replied.

"Ich weiß." Marks turned back to me his hands on his hips. "Und was sind wir, zum mit Ihnen mein liebes zu tun?"

"Speak English for a start." I answered tartly as I pawed through my German/English dictionary**. He'd used that last phrase on me before though so I had a pretty god idea what he meant.

[**You won't last long with the Geese unless you speak at least three languages and/or are wiling to carry several language dictionaries with you at all times.***]

[*** I at one point bought this real nifty, and highly expensive, audio translation gadget online but made the fatal mistake of letting Zelig "see" it so it is now in several hopeless pieces. On the upside, I now have a lovely hi-tech broach that can swear at you in five different languages. I can't even get my money back as Burnadett pointed out the "Zelig" principle**** applies to civilians as well as Geese.]

[****If you were stupid enough to let him touch it, you deserve what you got.*****]

[ *****You will not be surprised to hear that Zelig is as proud to have a principle named after him as is of being "an excellent debater".]

"God I love a sassy woman." He said as he knelt down behind me. He unscrewed the lid and the the scent of peppermint and cloves wafted towards me. He scooped up a generous portion of the salve onto his fingers and began applying it to the bruises on my shoulder. I shivered a bit as the cold burning sensation touched my skin. He chuckled.

"It's cold." I said defensively.

He bent in close. "And here I thought it was me." He said in my ear as he ran his thumb along the edge of my shoulder blade. I shivered again.

I blushed. "Well, it's not." I snapped, feeling flustered and a bit embarrassed.

"As you say, sassy." He chuckled, giving my shoulder a final rub before handing me the jar. "but I bet Anders doesn't make you shiver like that."

I sniffed disdainfully and started rubbing the ointment on my right arm.

Burnadett cleared his throat. "If you two are quite finished playing doctor, we actually do have things to discuss."

I blushed harder and glared at him. Not quite liking the flutter in my stomach or the smug expressions on both their faces. I opened my mouth to retort but the captain held up his hand placatingly.

"Trêve, Chanson. C'est important."

"All right, shoot." I said. Turning to rub the salve on my left arm.

"We, that is, some of us..." He said gesturing to indicate himself and the others in the room. "We have some, concerns about...well, that." He said pointing to my poor, abused arm.

"What, the bruises?" I asked.

"In part, yes."

"But you guys get stuff like this all the time, worse even, just training."

"Yes, I know but..."

"Is it because I'm a girl?"

"No..."

Zelig, who had been happily carving a quazi-mythical surrealist scene into the coffee table that would have given Hieronymus Bosch the willies snorted. "Like we've never fought girls before." He turned to Stewart who was playing cards with Griffin and Bulls. "Hey remember that Mossad chick? What was her name again? "

"Which one? Adara or Miriam?"

"The one who tried to off the Capitan."

"Well they both did eventually as I recall."

"No. the first time."

"Ah, Miriam."

"Yeah Miriam." Zelig sighed wistfully. "She was wicked good with a knife."

"You guys fought against Mossad?"

"No, they hired us for a gig in Syria." Said Griffin.

"But then why did they try to kill...?"

"He has this effect on women." Sighed Marks. "It's quite tiresome actually."

"Ho, ho, quite amusing you are today." Quipped Burnadett. "She was a double agent." He said turning to me. "I caught her signalling our position to the enemy and she tried to convince me to keep quiet at the point of her knife so..." He shrugged.

"Why do I suspect I don't want to know what that 'so' means?" I asked.

"Because you, Chanson, are a smart girl." He replied.

"Hmm," I said. "And the other one? This Adara?"

"Ah, well, that you may say was more in the nature of a misunderstanding." Said the Captain.

"Misunderstanding?" Snorted Marks. "More in the nature of you not being able to keep your lips or other disgusting body parts to yourself."

"Watch your step now, private."

"You slept with a Mossad agent?" I asked.

"No of course not. What do you take me for?"

"Then why...?"

"He slept with her sister." Said Marks.

"Oh."

"And her best friend."

"Ah."

"And her mother."

"Eeek!"

"Exactly."

"Oh Pip tell me you didn't really?"

"Who knew they'd compare notes?" Said Burnadett, giving me a sheepish smile.

"He's a menace to decent women everywhere Corrine. You and Victoria are best advised to avoid him at all cost." Quipped Marks.

"You know we're going to have to come up with a whole new set of ranks just to cover how low I'm going to bust you." Growled the Captain. Marks shrugged indifferently. It was well known that he used Velcro to attach his ever changing rank insignia to his uniforms. As long as he got his contracted percentages and the men followed orders he didn't care what rank he was.

"And your a one to talk." Continued the Capitan. "At least I didn't sleep with the cabinet ministers daughter."

"So?"

"So? We were lucky to get out of there alive!"

"Oh you exaggerate. He wasn't that mad"

"Just what every Israeli politician dreams of, a big giant Aryan kraut such as yourself to father his grandchildren."

"We got our bonus didn't we?"

"Only because he wanted those negatives destroyed and you gone."

"Exactly." Said Marks spreading his hands. "You got a bloody nose and I got us a bonus. Who's the menace now?"

"You are." Said the Captain grinning. "This is why I hired you."

"Exactly." Nodded Marks smiling back.

"This is better than TV." I said to Blaven who had plunked down beside me with a bowl of popcorn. "You guys are like a soap opera, with knives and guns."

"Oui." He said. "I used to watch that Sopranos program but after I joined the Geese it just seemed boring by comparison."

"Umhm. I agreed, swallowing a mouthful of popcorn. "Excuse me." I said raising my hand for attention. "Could I get clarification on that 'negatives' statement?"

"You see," Marks said. "sometimes, after we finish a job, the people who hire us seem to forget the specific terms of our ah, verbal agreement and try to offer us more of a take it leave it sort of settlement."

"Yeah," Said Griffin. "As in take your sh-gear and leave the country or else."

"And it's not like we can un-kill people if they don't pay up." Said Zelig without glancing up from the Furies he was carving one of which had a suspiciously Sir Integra-ish cast to its scowling countenance.

"Exactly." Said Marks. "So it always pays to have some 'insurance' laid by just in case someone decides to lose his long term memory. A special little reminder for the invoice, as it were."

"You would think all of your nice shiny guns and grenades would be argument enough to pay"

"Surprisingly, this is not always the case. Some men feel they are immune to such things."

"Petty dictators, military Junta leaders...?"

"Oh no, most third world dictators have a healthy respect for the men with the guns. It's usually how they got to be dictators in the first place. They tend to appreciate the value of our services. They pay on time and in cash"

"Really?"

"Some of our best repeat customers are fascists." Said the Captain.

"No it's the petty politician from the 'civilized' industrial nation that tends to get a bit stingy when the bill comes due." Said Marks. "Especially if he's been playing fast and loose with the slush fund. So I like to make sure we have a little dirt on our clients so they won't be tempted to try and renegotiate."

"Who knew the life of a mercenary could be so complicated." I mused.


"Oui." Said Burnadett. "This is what Marks is for. He could get dirt on the Pope if he wanted to."

"True, true." Said Marks.

"Oooo." I said. "So what do you have on Sir Integra?"

Marks cleared his throat. "That's confidential."

"Aw come on spill it. Please." I asked as endearingly as I could.

"Sorry, that would be unprofessional."

I raised my eyebrows and pondered this statement a moment. "You've got nothing." I gasped.

We locked gazes for about 10 seconds then he looked away and growled. "Not a damn thing!"

"Is that unusual?"

"It's unheard of." Said the Captain. "No one gets to where she is without doing some very naughty things and Marks can always find them."

"You can barley find proof that she exists much less anything incriminating. Not like her father, Mein Gott, the things that man did makes Pip look a saint. "

"Wow!" I said glancing at Burnadett. "Maybe there's nothing there. She's pretty straight laced."

"No one is that clean." Said the Captain.

"I tell you it's that damn butler of hers! Everywhere I look, he's been there, fixing the witnesses and scrubbing the files. No one will talk. I swear, er bin der Teufel!"

"He is quite good isn't he?" Said Burnadett with a smirk. "It's almost uncanny how he keeps ahead of you so thoroughly"

"He is der Teufel I tell you but he won't beat me!"

"Well, I guess it's part of his job you know to cover Hellsing's tracks."

Marks narrowed his eyes at me. "Oh yes, I forgot, you like that officious, annoying man. How disappointing of you."

I glared at him. "You should just be thankful I like annoying people or we might not be on speaking terms right now."

Marks glared back at me as if he wanted to order me to do two laps.

"Oh, you are just angry that there is someone out there who can do something better than you for once." Said Burnadett. "It's about time, helps to build the character."

"Then you must have a very well built character at this point."

"Such humour out of you today! I am thinking to add the rank of slug or worm to the list. Whichever is lower. "

"Worms are longer." Said Griffin.

"But slugs are taller." Said Stewart.

"Worm it is." Said the Capitan. "Perhaps even a tape worm. Zelig!"

"Sir?"

"I want a tape worm insignia designed and ready by 16:00 tomorrow."

"Got it!"

"Besides," He said turning back to Marks. "I do not care if Mr Dollneaz or his mistress is Satan himself, as long as the bill is paid on time, which it is, every month, like clockwork. I would spend more time worrying about der Teufel in the basement then the ones upstairs if I were you mon ami.

"And this reminds me." He said turning back to me.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLIV

'Thwack'

"Ouch!"

"Try Again."

'Thwack'

"Ouch!"

"Wrong. Try again."

Thwack'

"Ouch! Hey! stop it!"

"No."

"But.." 'Thwack!'

"Shut up and concentrate."

"How am I supposed to concentrate when you keep throwing..." 'Thwack "Ouch! That hurt!"

"Stop wingeing you useless girl it's only grapes."

"Frozen grapes."

"Pft!"

"Hurled with inhuman force."

"Ungrateful infant!"

'Thwack' "Ow!", 'Thwack' "Ow!", 'Thwack' "Ow! Hey! that was a strawberry, you could poke an eye out with that!"

"Cowardly, whining wretch! You mewl over a few bruises from fruit? If you cannot concentrate when hit by a harmless bit of food, what are you going to do in the field when the ghouls attack and bullets start flying. Tell your friends die more quietly as their screams are distracting you?"

"That's not fair!"

"Fair? Fair! Fair is for the nursery, not the battlefield! I have neither the time nor the patience for fair.

"Much as I, am indifferent to the lives of those sad, disposable, dogs of war you seem so fond of, every turning, every death weighs on the heart of the master. It is for her and her alone that I train you but I would think that, if only for the sake of those sad mongrels, you would be willing grow a backbone and learn."

"You could have said..."

"And you should have trusted me! You trusted me with your life in that theatre. Will you trust me now to teach you to save theirs? "

"Yes. but?"

"What?"

"Could we possible switch sides for awhile? My left arm is going numb."

"Of course Angel, we wouldn't want you to not be able to feel your 'distraction' now would we?"

Sigh. "No, of course not."

'Thwack'

"Ouch!"

"Try Again."...

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLIII

The next few days went rather well. I passed my basic driving test on the Tortoise and was rewarded by Bulls and Griffin with a little topless hula doll for the dashboard. Anders had a fit and kept trying to throw it out the window until Sgt. Marks somewhere, somehow found a tiny little Hooter's tee shirt to put on her. It was still offensive but no longer obscene.

"I'll get rid of the damn thing yet." Anders said as he tried to pry her off the dash with a scalpel. He had managed to slice through the prior three double sided adhesives so Bulls had used Gorilla glue this time.  Anders and Walter were taking turns giving me 'defensive urban combat' driving lessons (dodging mines and IEDs, Plowing through rubble, running over enemy combatants, you know, the easy stuff.) so he he often sat with me while I navigated the course and Walter or one of the Geese tried to "kill" us. Zelig and Griffin were enthusiastic but often predictable. Burnadet was subtle and sneaky but not quite so bloodthirsty. But if we were playing against Walter or Sgt. Marks, they killed us every time.

It's a good thing they don't seem to like each other very much, because if they ever teamed up, they could rule the world.

-----------

Miss Pringle had unofficially set up headquarters in Dr. Levin's office refusing to come out whenever Zelig or his enthusiastic 'assistant' were in the lab. A poor, lovelorn, Griffin was reduced to slipping her love poems under the door and Andrew was practically counting his winnings.

"I don't think she much likes Limericks." Said Zelig as we listened to the sound of the paper shredder running behind closed doors. "I told you to try the haiku."

"It was too esoteric." Said Griffin. "I didn't want ta be too subtle."

"No chance of that." Said Zelig.

"Besides, It didn't even rhyme. Poems are supposed to rhyme."

"Yes, 'bench press' and 'French maid's dress' do almost rhyme." Said Zelig.

"I thought it rather clever actually." Said Seras.

"Hmmm," Said Zelig. Maybe she didn't like the dress reference. You know, like you don't take her profession seriously and you equate nursing to being like a maid."

"You think?"

"Well, women are always quite touchy about clothing and such."

"True."

"Perhaps, it was too short. Perhaps if we finished that sonnet. "

"Yeah, but I'm just totally stuck on rhyming up bicep and if I try to pull it out, the whole stanza falls apart."

"Art is never easy." Said Zelig. "How's the ballad coming?"

"Eh."

Andrew rubbed his hands together with glee.

"Don't get cocky." Said Stewart.

"Hard not to." Said Andrew. "Your boy's a bit of a disaster and our Miss Pringle is made of steel."

"Ah, but many a 'disaster' has been known to bend steel." Andrew laughed.

"At this rate he won't even rust her."

"Care to wager another ten on that?"

"Hate to take your money 'old chap'." Said Andrew. "But I need a new stereo for the car."

"Adore taking your money 'old bean'," Said Stewart putting on his best P.T. Barnum face, "but I tell you what, bump it up another ten and I'll throw in my XM radio I'll even install her for you, if I lose."

"Done." Said Andrew as he shoved a twenty at me and Stewart handed me a ten.

"I don't have hold the stupid stereo for you do I?" I grumbled, stuffing the money down my shirt. I need to start wearing pants with pockets to the lab.

"No but it would certainly fit." Said Stewart eying my chest appreciatively.

I snorted and shoved at his rolling chair with my foot.

"Book!" he shouted to Zelig as his chair bumped into a table.

"Excellent." Said Zelig. taking down the details. "Victoria?"

Seras eyed a very satisfied looking Stewart with suspicion then shook her head.

Zelig shrugged. "How bout you Doctor Levin? Care to back your horse with a fiver? I'll cover it."

"Bicep, tricep, flycep.." Muttered Griffin.

Dr. Levin smiled and reached for his wallet. Then stopped. He looked from Griffin to Zelig to Stewart then back at Griffin. A good long look. He shook his head and chuckled. "I think I'll sit this one out boys." He said.

"Smart man." Said Griffin. "If we're all done playing then?" Stewart nodded and Zelig closed his little book. "Good. Cause I've got me a little nurse to catch and we all know how I feel about nurses."

"Never seen you throw one back yet Porn." Said Stewart.

"Go get her." Said Zelig Grinning.

Griffin cracked his knuckles then stretched and flexed like a big cat before casually strolling over to the door to Dr. Levin's office. "Nice professional gal like nurse Pringle needs ta see a man's resume before she makes up her mind." He said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a DVD. He drummed his fingers gently against the frosted glass and said. "I gotta go baby but I'll leave ya a little something ta put under your pillow tonight." He brought the DVD to his lips and gave it a kiss before crouching down to slide it under the door. "Sweet dreams Nurse Pringle."

"What was that?" Asked Andrew suspiciously.

"Just a few highlights from my brief but illustrious film career."

"You were in the movies Griffin?" I asked. "I didn't know that."

Griffin looked at me and blushed. "Yeah, well, they was what you might call independent films of a specialized nature."

"What?" said Seras. Stewart snorted and grinned while Dr. Levin stared pointedly at the ceiling. "Ohhh. Eww!"

"Now hang on." Said Andrew. " You mean to tell me that you just slipped Miss Pringle..."

"Nurse Pringle. Show some respect." Said Griffin.

"Nurse Pringle." Said Andrew. "You mean to tell me you just slipped Nurse Pringle a video nasty?"

"No."

"Well thank Goodness for tha..."

"I slipped her highlights from several 'video nastys'. The good parts, ya know, with me in um."

"Dear God, your a dead man."

"Care to wager on that?" Said Stewart."

"No." I shouted. "No more betting. I mean it!"

"Now Corrine, it's just a bit of fun." Said Stewart.

"No!"

Zelig shrugged and put his notebook away. "You, of course included "Dock Her, Dock Her?"

"Of course."

I raised an eyebrow.

"A raunchy rock and roll romp though an inner city hospital." Said Stewart.

"Oh dear." I said, eying the closed office door.

"All the ones with nurses in um." Said Griffin. "Also, I put in some of my super hero series."

"Super hero series?" I queried.

"Yeah." Said Griffin. "Let's see...there was 'Super Wham: can of steel', 'The X-rated men', played Colossus in that one.."

"Great performance but his accent was bloody awful." Whispered Stewart. I bit my tongue to keep from laughing.

"...and what else? Oh yeah I threw in part two of ' Edible Bulk: Revenge of the.." Zelig cleared his throat loudly and made a shushing gesture at Griffin. "What?" Asked Griffin.

"Not that I don't support your work and all," Said Zelig. but, well, there is a lady present."

Seras and I looked at each other then back at Zelig. 'A lady present'? As in just one?

"Oh, yes, right. Sorry 'bout that Corrine." Said Griffin.

"Oh nice." Said Seras sarcastically.

"Well don't get get you knickers in a twist Victoria." Said Zelig. "Your not a lady, your one of us."

"One of you?" Asked Seras tremulously.

"Yeah, you know, like one of the guys." Said Griffin.

"You mean, I'm one of you? I'm a Goose?" She said breathlessly.

Stewart nodded, lips quirking

"That's just brilliant!" She shouted jumping into Stewart's lap and hugging him.

"Ooof! Right, that's enough of that Victoria." Said Stewart as he shoved her off his lap. "There is positively none of that allowed in the ranks!"

"I'm a goose Corrine!" Said Seras as Stewart unwound his mouse cord from her wrist.

"You most certainly are." Said Stewart, trying not to laugh.

"That's wonderful. Oh," I said thinking it through. "does this mean I'm not?"

"What, a goose?" Said Stewart raising his eyebrows. I nodded. "Well sorry, you can't."

"Why not?"

"Because, like I said, you're a lady Corrine." Said Zelig.

"So?"

"So no ladies allowed in the Geese." Said Griffin.

"Why ever not?"

"Well, the Captain's got a saying bout ladies, 'In the bedroom, in the kitchen even on the bathroom fl..."

Zelig cleared his throat loudly.

"Oh, yes, right. Sorry Corrine. It's just a rule OK?"

"Well that seems unfair."

"Sorry Corrine, but you can be a lady or you can be a goose but you can't be both." Said Stewart.

"I find it hard to believe that you refer to yourself as a goose."

"Well, actually I refer to myself as a sexy beast but that's beside the point. You're one or the other, there is no both."

"This reminds me of that story they made us read in school." Said Andrew. "You know where the bloke had to choose between two doors."

"Right," Said Seras. "And behind one door was a pretty lady and behind the other was a tiger... What was it called again?"

"The Lady or the Tiger." I said.

"Ooo right." Said Seras. "Like the game you and the master sometimes play."

"Oh dear I hope not."

"No, no, I mean you've got to choose."

"Between the lady or the tiger?"

"No." She said disgustedly. "Lady or goose."

"The Lady or the Goose?"

"Exactly." She said. "you've got to choose which one to be."

"Aw that's easy," Said Griffin. "Lady."

"I'd rather she choose Goose."

"Are these my only choices?" I asked but they ignored me.

"Naw, she's a lady." Asserted Griffin.

"Goose!" Insisted Seras.

"Couldn't I just be a swan or something?"

"Lady, lady lady!"

"A duck perhaps?"

"Goose, goose, goose!"

"Stop!" Shouted Stewart. "Corrine, you are not a goose or a swan or any other type of waterfowl. It's not a question of what you want to be. It's how we perceive you. We see you as a lady because it's what you are. You don't get to choose."

I crossed my arms and pouted.

"Now don't get cross Corrine," Said Zelig. "Your a lady, that's better than being one of us lot any day."

"Fine." I huffed. "I'll be a lady. But I don't have to like it."

"Now, that's settled," Said Dr. Levin. "Perhaps we should move this act down the hall. Is the equipment ready Mr. Stewart?"

"Yes, I set up in the storage room as you suggested. there are no antennas, phones or intercoms of any kind in there so, we should avoid a repeat of Tuesday's 'Mary Hopkins' fiasco." (I had been singing "The Sparrow" and somehow had ended up blowing out all of the phones in the lab and half the intercoms on the first floor.)

"Sorry." I said.

"Not at all my dear." Said Dr. Levin who had decided to like me now that I could do something interesting. "It was quite informative. Expensive, but informative. Shall we go?" He said, gesturing to the door.

"Just a sec." Said Stewart as he stared at something on his laptop screen. "Aaaand, she's in!"

"Good job old man!" Said Zelig Giving Griffin a thumbs up.

"What?" Shouted Andrew. "She never!"

"Oh, but she did." Said Stewart.

"Oh ewww, just ewww!" Said Seras.

"Care to pay up now and save yourself the humiliation later?" asked Stewart.

"Wait." Said Andrew. "How do you even know she's, you know...looking?" There was a horrified shriek and the sound of plastic hitting the wall.

"She looked." Said Zelig.

"Young man," Said Dr. Levin. "Did you hack into my computer?"

"Don't be insulting." Said Stewart rapidly blanking his screen. We all stared at him. "I planted spyware in the DVD."

"Mr. Stewart...!"

"Didn't you want to get us down the hall? Come on Corrine, chop, chop!" Said Stewart as he bustled me out the door.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLII

Miss Pringle is having a bad week.

As if Zelig pulling down her precious sign and slapping her on the bottom weren't enough, Sir Integra had personally requested the lab begin running tests on my voice.

And then there was the bulletin board.

Oh , how she hated that bulletin board.

Not only had Dr. Levin ignored her protests and decided to put up a bulletin board where the "No singing" sign used to be but he had decided to put up Zelig's bulletin board.

All of it.

Down to the last burnished brass hook and Velcro pen holder. And when "Mr. Dollneaz" (batt, batt, batt, eyelashes) had approved the expense, there was nothing she could say without sounding like the mean evil harpy that she is. (Oops, not nice Corrine. Not nice. I am sometimes glad no one will ever read this journal.)

It seems Miss Pringle, and possibly Sir Integra, are the only denizens of Hellsing immune to the fascination of watching Zelig's brilliant, demented mind at work. Because when he goes into full blown temperamental artist mode he is a wonder to behold.

This wasn't an installation, it was performance art.

Zelig sailed into the lab and began tearing into boxes, leaping about and spinning like a Tasmanian devil cartoon. Within minutes he managed to cover every surface in the lab with bits and pieces of his project and litter the floor with packing debris and rejected parts. He then strutted about barking orders while Miss Pringle grimly chased after him with a trash bag.

"Don't touch that woman!" He shouted as she picked up a ripped up piece of box lid. "It's important."

"It's cardboard."

"Do I tell you how to do your job? Do I tell you how to stick needles in Victoria's arm?"

"Yes, actually, you do."

"Well you should listen. My way looked better. Now put that down and stop messing with my system."

"This is not a system, this is chaos!"

"Exactly." Said Zelig smugly. "So stop trying to organize it."

"You're impossible."

"Then go away! Honestly, I hate working with amateurs."

Pip, pap, pip.

"What's that noise?" Demanded Miss Pringle.

I had found a stray piece of bubble wrap and was fiddling about while Andrew stuck the EEG contact pads in my hair.

"Who cares?" Said Zelig. "Hey! Give that back!" He bellowed snatching a small empty bag from her hand. "I can use that. Can put lots of little bits and bobs in a bag like that and you throwing it away."

"Its got a hole in it!"

"Course it does, it's a bag."

"No, I mean the bottom."

He gave her a disgusted look as he tied a knot in the ripped corner. "Really Pringle, that solution would have been obvious to anyone who had even the most rudimentary of problem solving skills."

"Or you could just put all of your loose screws in one of the dozen or so not torn bags you have tossed on the floor."

"All the bags in the world wouldn't hold his loose screws." Muttered Stewart as he booted up his laptop.

Pippy pap, pap, pap. I had found another piece of bubble wrap and was sharing with Seras.

"You see this? " He said waiving the bag at her. "This is why there is a hole in the ozone layer! People like you just throwing trash away like it was garbage."

Stewart snorted.

Miss Pringle worked her way through that sentence and sucked in a breath to retort bu,t unfortunately, Griffin stepped in first.

********Which brings us to the actual worst part of Miss Pringle's week.
It wasn't being forced to listen to me sing nor was it Dr. Levin's and Walter's betrayal in authorizing the bulletin board [which later turned out to be mostly an excuse for Dr. Levin to study Zelig so he could publish what would eventually become an award winning article for Mental Health Practice magazine.]. It wasn't even having to deal with Zelig, It was Griffin. All '6.7' 265 pounds of him. And he was, it seems, in love. Well, obsessed anyway. It seems Zelig's quip about Griffin liking high strung women was true because from the moment he walked in to "assist" Zelig, Griffin had been panting after Miss Pringle in a big way. He took one look at her and muttered something to Zelig about little white hats and sensible shoes and movies he had seen that started with... Never mind, I can't repeat it. Long story short, he had quickly found an excuse to remove both his jacket and his uniform shirt and prowl around the lab after Miss Pringle in his Gold's Gym muscle tee rippling and flexing and asking her barely appropriate medical questions. He was doing his best to impress her and she was doing her best to avoid eye contact. So when Griffin, jealous of her attention, broke in to her argument with Zelig, Miss Pringle gasped quietly and began to edge away from the wall of muscle stalking her. ********

"Aww, Nurse Pringle," He said. "why ya wastin time on arguing with him? Figti'n with Zelig's like trying to tunnel through a sand dune with a shovel. Ya get all hot 'n' itchy and ya wind up nowheres.

Only way to win an argument with Zelig is ta beat him to a bloody pulp. And even then half the time he'll just call it a draw."

"It's true," Said Zelig proudly as if Griffin were complementing him. "I'm an excellent debater."

"Listen baby," Growled Griffin in a low voice as he loomed over her (I couldn't tell if he was doing a bad Barry White imitation or just had something caught in his throat.). "If you want ta get all hot 'n' itchy, I can think of lots of better ways to go about it."

She continued to edge away and he continued to stalk her until he had backed her into a corner. She deftly grabbed a chair and pulled it between them.

"And maybe, if you ask real nice, I'll help you 'win' that argument with Zelig." He said, smacking a meaty fist into his open palm. He then braced his arm against the wall by her head, leaned in and said, "I's got the tools and the talent for both." He flexed his biceps. "Wann'a see?"

"That won't be necessary Mr. Griffin." She said coldly.

"Are you sure? I ain't shown you all the tools yet."

"No."

"Just a little peek."

"Mr. Griffin, back away at once."

"Not till you give us a kiss." He leered.

She narrowed her eyes and glared at him.

"I promise baby, once you sample the goods, your gonna wanna buy..... Whaddaya say nurse, Pringle?"

She smiled and leaned towards him, hands still tightly gripping the chair.

Griffin raised his eyebrows and leaned in for his kiss not noticing the chair slowly lifting from the floor...

Wham! She slammed one of the chair legs down on his foot.

Griffin yelped and jumped back surprised. Then looked down at her and chuckled. "Zelig's right. You are a mean one."

She snorted derisively and hefted the chair menacingly.

"I like them mean."

"Oh yes?" She said and swung the chair at him.

He neatly stepped outside of her swing, darting back in while she was off balance and planting a big wet kiss on her cheek then merrily danced away before she could get him on the backstroke.

"Her problem was aiming for the legs." I whispered to Andrew. "You should always go for body mass."

"Unless it's a ghoul." Whispered Seras. "Then you want to aim for the heart or the head."

"She's not trying to kill him Victoria" Said Stewart. "...I think."

"Well, then, Corrine's right. Body shot is best then."

"Good form though." I said.

"Yes." She agreed. "Lots of energy in the swing."

Andrew turned his head to hide his grin.

I handed him a piece of bubble wrap.

"Damn you look sweet." Said Griffin to a seething Miss Pringle.

Zelig looked up from a pile of clipboards he was detailing with an annoyed expression. "Are we working or are we chatting up birds here? Come on Griffin, help me get this LCD mounted."

"I'll call you." Said Griffin over his shoulder as he strolled over to Zelig. He then made a big show of rippling his muscles as he lifted the heavy screen .

Miss Pringle stuck her nose up in the air and marched into Dr. Levin's office to give her hourly report (10 minutes early but who's counting).

I shook my head ruefully. "Do lines like that ever work?" Pippity pap pippty.

"You'd be surprised." Said Stewart.

"Well they shan't work on her." Said Andrew loyally. Pap,pop,pop.

"You'd be surprised." Said Stewart again.

"Not our Miss Pringle." Insisted Andrew.

"Care to..." Pop, pop, pappty, pop. "Give over Corrine!" Said Andrew, taking away my bubble wrap and handing me some sheet music to choose from.

"Sorry."

"Care to wager on that?" He asked Andrew.

"It's not going to happen." Said Andrew.

"Ten quid says their snogging by the end of the month."

"Done." Said Andrew reaching for his wallet.

"Victoria?"

"I don't know," Said Seras. "She seem to desperately hate him but..."

"But what?"

"But there was this kind of gleam in her eye when she swung at him..." She pondered a moment. "I'll wager a fiver."

"Covered. Corrine?"

"You're sick you know that?"

"No from Corrine. Zelig!?"

"What?"

"Book on the Ice maiden"

"Excellent! Details?"

"Straight odds. Snogging by the end of the month."

"I'll bet with the house."

"Fine, you can cover Victoria's five. Corrine's holding the money." He said holding out a 10 pound note to me.

"What? Why me?"

"Cause you're not betting."

"I don't want to." I said pushing Stewart's hand away.

"Come on Corrine." Said Zelig. "It's an honour to hold the money."

"No. This bet is immoral and I want no part of it!"

"I'll give you back your bubble wrap."

"Done." I said holding out my hand. Miss Pringle choose that moment to stroll back into the lab so I had to quickly stuff the money down my shirt as I had no pockets and try not to look guilty (Griffin spent much of the rest of the afternoon trying to get me to change 20).

Miss Pringle gave our little group a disdainful look and stalked to her desk to ignore us and do paperwork.

Pippty, pop, pippt pop. Went Seras, Andrew, and I. As Stewart finished calibrating his machines.

Miss Pringle gritted her teeth, gripped her pencil tightly and continued to write.

"How about a sound level check?" Said Stewart.

We grinned and complied. Pop, pip, pip, pap, pop, pop,pop, papptity, pappity, pop, pop...

"Stop that infernal noise this instant!" Shouted Miss Pringle as she launched herself out of her chair towards us. She first snatched away Andrew's bubble wrap then mine. She reached for Seras' but thought better of it when she growled at her.

"Oi!" Barked Seras. "Get your own!"

"This plastic wrap is not a toy!" She said jabbing her finger at us. "So stop playing with it! What if it's needed to wrap parts back up? It's of no use if you've popped all the bubbles!"

"What's she going on about now?" Asked Zelig.

Griffin whispered into his ear.

"Bubble wrap? Are you kidding me?" He glared at Miss Pringle. "It's just bits of bubble wrap. I've got rolls of it back in the barracks. What's wrong with you? I'm trying to work here!" He was quiet a moment. "It is the final purpose of bubble wrapped to be popped." He said philosophically. "It is, its destiny." He smiled benignly at her. "Besides, it makes the most delightful sound when you pop it don't you think? Quite addictive actually."

We all nodded at his sage wisdom. Except of course for Miss Pringle.

"you're all just deliberately trying to provoke me but it won't work!" She said slamming the bubble wrap in her hand onto a counter. Unfortunately her hand clipped the edge of a small box, flipping it up in the air end over end and spraying foam packing peanuts everywhere.

No one made a sound.

Miss Pringle calmly straightened her back and smoothed down her dress.

"Miss Pringle." Said Andrew timidly. "You've got a little something in your..." He pointed to her head.

She reached up and plucked a packing peanut from where it had landed in her hat. She glared a moment at the offending object before grinding it to dust, probably pretending it was one of our heads.

"Hey!" Shouted Zelig. "What are you doing? I save those, I use those!"

"No." She said calmly. "I refuse to believe that."

"Is she calling me a liar?" asked Zelig angerly.

"fraid so." Said Griffin.

"Are you calling me a liar?!" He shouted.

"Yes." Said Miss Pringle.

"You shouldn't call him a liar nurse Pringle." Said Griffin. "He don't like it."

"Well then, he should stop lying. Shouldn't he?" She said smiling condescendingly.

Zelig started puffing up again and turning purple. "You..."

"Actually Miss," Said Stewart urgently. "he uses them all the time."

"Oh really?"

"Yes Miss. He uses them to make explosives."

She stared at him non-plussed.

"Apparently, they're so common, it makes it hard to trace. Harder to prove who did it in court. If you know what I mean miss."

"Acquitted of all charges." Said Zelig proudly.

"That you were Bertie." Said Stewart.

"But these are the white packing peanuts." Said Zelig. "I mostly use those in potting soil. Helps the drainage."

Miss Pringle's jaw snapped shut.

"Now the pink ones, they make excellent explosives. They burn pretty too, but not the green ones, I'm not sure why that is. Of course, I never use the colored ones in the potting soil. Chemicals might hurt the plants."

Miss Pringle turned without a word and walked into Dr. Levin's office. She shoved Dr. Levin,who was scribbling furiously in his notebook, out of his office and locked the door.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLI

That afternoon at tea, Walter had a most interesting suggestion as to how I could help Seras.

"It's a long shot." He said, as I fiddled with the rubber tubing included in the box of materials he had gathered together for his plan. "But I think if you are the one making the offer, she just might accept. She will will see it as an act of friendship not charity or duty."

"Possibly." I said dropping the tubing back in the box and glancing at the needles with distaste. "But why all the steps?" I asked reaching for my teacup. "Why can't I just let her..?"

"No." He said firmly. That would be most unwise."

I stilled my hands, cup halfway to mouth and looked at him questioningly.

"We need your actions to be intimate enough for Miss Victoria to feel comfortable feeding but still maintain enough distance between your providing the blood and her drinking it so that she knows your are willingly providing food but does not think of you as the food itself." He locked onto me with his steely intense gaze and said calmly but forcefully. "If I were even to suspect that you were considering letting Miss Victoria feed directly off of you, I would separate the two of you immediately and forbid any further contact between you permanently. Is that understood?"

I opened my mouth but no words came out, speechless under his onslaught.

He softened a bit. "Ms. Doyle," He said, gently removing the rattling teacup from my hand. "my concern is for your safety. What we attempt here is dangerous and, if done improperly, could cause irreparable harm. Miss Victoria is close to the breaking point otherwise I would not even consider this plan and I certainly would not consider involving you Ms. Doyle, if I did not trust you to proceed with all due caution."

He refilled my teacup and handed it back to me. "I would not wish to lose either one of you."

I smiled at him feeling a bit warm and fuzzy. 'How sweet.' I thought. "Thank you." I said, taking a sip.

"Yes, Sir Integra has charged me with the care of both yourself and Miss Victoria so it would be quite remiss of me to allow one of you to massacre the other in a frenzied bloodbath. She would be very annoyed at me to say the least."

My warm and fuzzy moment died. "I see." I said.

"Very messy. Quite inconvenient."

"OK, I get it!" Just couldn't leave it at warm and fuzzy, could you Walter?

He smiled slightly then his expression grew intense once again. "In all seriousness Ms. Doyle, if you have any doubts, any doubts whatsoever, please do not feel you must go through with this. We can always try something else."

"Is there another plan at this time?"

"Not as such, no."

"Well then, why don't we go over precisely how this is to be done." I said, putting down my teacup and handing him a syringe.

******

We sprang out plan on Seras that Thursday, one of my nights off from my "special training" with Alucard. When she woke up I was to be waiting for her in her room.

She had this cool mechanical canopy bed Walter had designed for her which converted into a sort of coffin during her daylight sleeping hours. She was late in getting up so I knocked on the lid a few times to wake her.

"Go away." Came her muffled voice.

"Get up!" I chirped loudly.

"I'm tired."

"Come now." I shouted cheerfully. "The moon is shining and all the ...um, owls are ...hooting in the breeze."

"Mumble murf munf muff!"

"That's no way for a lady to talk!" I said, smacking the lid. "You spend too much time hanging out with Burnadett."

"I'm tired. Go away."

I was weary of waiting and afraid I would loose my nerve so I sat down on top of her bed/coffin and started singing show tunes but warping the lyrics.

"There's a bright silver haze on the meadow. There's a bright silver haze on the meadow..."

"Shut it!" She said banging the lid once from the inside.

"When the black, black bat comes flap, flap, flapping along. A-long!" I sang, drumming my heels in time to the music. "Come on, I've got a million of these."

"OK. OK."

"Yeay!" I said, jumping off as the lid started to rumble open.

Seras rubbed her eyes, stretched, and rolled out of bed hitting the ground with a thud. She looked up at me smiling sheepishly. She still had her uniform on.

"Late night?"

"mmumf."

"I didn't hear the bell. Another of Captain Chambers' training exorcises?"

"grumble (yawn) munf munf."

I felt a bit guilty waking her up like this but Walter said she would be at her most pliant around twilight therefore more likely to accept my offer. I was just glad she wasn't as grumpy about being woken up as I am.

"Sorry." I said offering my hand. "But I have a surprise for you."

"Mmmm?"

"No, it's a surprise. You go wash up and I'll get it ready."

While she was gone, I pulled out my supplies. Walter had shown me how to run a line into a vein on the back of my hand and had helped me carefully tape the tube down and around to the bottom of my wrist so it did not show as much. We then, very carefully, cleaned away all traces of blood.

Now came the tricky part.

I was not to draw the blood directly in front of Seras but was also not to let it get cold so I only had a few minutes. I quickly filled several syringes without spilling a drop (take that Miss Pringle!) then removed the lid from the covered tray and set about injecting the items therein with the gruesome contents. I had just emptied the last syringe and was carefully wiping my line with an alcohol pad when she returned.

"What are you doing?" She asked as I quickly swept the syringe into my supply kit. I dropped the pad in after it and sealed the lid.

"A surprise for you! Sit down, sit down." I said, smiling and placing my hand behind my back.

She looked at me suspiciously and sat down her eyes on my box. I picked up the covered tray with my other hand and placed it in front of her grinning.

She lifted the lid and stared at the contents with a puzzled frown. "Truffles?"

"Not just any truffles my dear, Lindt dark chocolate truffles, the best!"

"But I ..." she started, then her nostrils flared. She stared at the the tray a moment, her eyes glazed, her lips slightly parted, then she slammed the lid down.

"They're very good." I said, pulling one from the bag I had set aside for myself and unwrapping it.

"They're filled with blood." She said in a dead pan voice.

"Yes, I know, I filled them." I said. "With my own blood no less!" I held up my wrist. "Pretty neat huh? Walter helped me with the tape."

"It's not funny." She said, glaring at me.

"No, it's not funny." I said, glaring back. "Not funny to watch you starve yourself night after night while I stuff my face in front of you. Not funny to watch you grow weaker and more desperate for food everyday. Not funny at all."

"But your blood... I can't." She said choking.

"As you say, it's my blood. I can give it to whomever I want."

She shook her head, closing her eyes and shuttering. "You're my friend, I can't feed off of you."

"You can and you will!" I said slamming my hand down on the table. "Look," I said taking her hand and stroking it gently. "If by giving you my blood I help ease your hunger even the slightest bit, then I am glad to give it." I looked deep into her eyes. "I offer it freely as a friend. Will you accept it?"

She looked at the tray and bit her lip with indecision.

"Young lady, if you don't eat your chocolate truffles, you will be sent to bed without any dessert!"

She smiled at me, lifting the lid. "What's for dessert then? Brussel sprouts?"

"How'd you guess? Now eat before it gets cold." I said popping my own unwrapped truffle into my mouth. "These are so good!" I said through a mouthful of chocolate.

She slowly, cautiously, placed a truffle in her mouth and bit into it. I tried not to think about my blood trickling down her throat and instead concentrated on unwrapping another truffle and eating it. It was all I could do not to throw up but I could not let Sears see that so I looked at the ceiling pretending to savor the candy until the nausea passed.

Seras reached for another piece. A good sign.

By her 4th truffle, I could finally look her in the eye again, just not at her mouth while she was chewing, and we were even managing a bit of light conversation. By her 8th truffle, Seras was chattering away like a magpie. I don't know if it was the blood or the caffeine but she was wired.

I just smiled and chattered back. Even when the last truffle began to leak, I just pretended I didn't notice it. Seras quickly popped it into her mouth, wiping the blood off of the tray with her finger.

"This is quite good." She said, unthinkingly licking her fingers.

"Yes, it's very good chocolate." I said, trying to silence the gibbering monkey in my head which was screaming at me to run away. 'It's OK. It's OK. Just pretend it's a cherry cordial. But it's not! It's my blood! It's OK. It's OK. You can do this.' "We should try Mrs. See's sometime it's my favorite." 'Oh God, oh God, oh God!'

******

It was dark in the corridor outside of Sera's room, just a single light bulb to mark the foot of the stairs and even darker down towards Alucard's chambers. Not many of the staff ventured this way and vampires don't mind the dark.

Normally I wouldn't mind the dark either but I was tired and dizzy and feeling a bit disturbed so when I placed my hand on the wall to steady myself and encountered not cold, rough stone but warm, smooth fabric, I was more than a little freaked out.

I yelped and jumped back stumbling over my own feet. I would have fallen if a strong hand had not firmly gripped my arm and pulled me back upright.

"Walter?" I screeched. "You startled me." I managed to say in a more normal voice as he released my arm.

"I am sorry." He said. "That was not my intent. I merely meant to be on hand, should you require assistance with the stairs."

I looked at him uncomprehending for a moment. How could I have not seen him? I must be tired.

"It's rather dim and the steps can be treacherous."

I looked over at the stairs then back at him. Me, Walter and staircases, quite the emotional history. I smiled at him sheepishly. "Thank you. That's very kind." I said handing him the box of supplies and following him to the stairs.

"Did everything go well?" He asked, motioning me to proceed him up the stairs. He followed immediately behind and just to the left of me.

"As well as could be expected." I said clambering up the the steps. "She ate but I'm afraid I..Whoops!" I had turned my head to speak to him and tripped on the next riser. Walter's hand came up to steady me. I looked down at the glove gripping my arm and gasped. I knew those gloves. That rough, heavy leather of their fingers, the smooth reinforced plates in the palm. Those were the gloves from my hallucination in the elevator. The ones he was wearing when he... I shuttered at the memory but forced myself not to yank my arm from his grip and possibly send us both tumbling down the stairs.

Why was he wearing those gloves?

"Ms. Doyle?"

"I'm fine, just a bit dizzy. I'll be all right in a moment." I half lied.

"Are you sure?" He asked. "I can..."

"No really, I'll be fine." I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. This was getting dangerously close to a reverse re-enactment of our first encounter on the stairs.

"Very well." Said Walter, lowering his hand.

I sagged with relief which caused Walter's hand to start up again. I bit my lip and forced myself not to flinch. He must have sensed something because he checked himself and stared down at his hand with a puzzled expression.

"Oh I am sorry Ms. Doyle. I'd forgotten to remove my work gloves. The plates didn't hurt you did they?" His intense gaze locked onto mine.


"No Walter." I said tightly, staring at the gloves. 'But the wire wrapped around my neck sure did.' I thought shuttering a bit. I still sometimes had nightmares.

He stared at me a moment longer. "Very thoughtless of me." He said dropping his hand to his side. "Please forgive me."

It was my turn to stare at him. The 'forgive me' seemed out of proportion. After all, he wasn't responsible for what had happened in the elevator. He had no control over Alucard's actions. Then it dawned on me that he wasn't just talking about the gloves.

Over these last several weeks, Walter had become more than just my babysitter, he had become my guardian and protector. Sheltering me, encouraging me, giving me the tools I needed to heal, to find my way. But for all his strengths, we both knew that there was one person, one thing, he could not protect me from.

Alucard.

He could advise me, console me but he could not shield me from the monster. What was it Alucard had said about Walter and his overdeveloped sense of chivalry?

My knight could not only not rescue the damsel from the dragon but had to keep sending her back into its cave, poorly armed and with very few defenses. The fact that she had volunteered did not seem to matter.

Far from decreasing him in my eyes, my hero worship for Walter only increased. I was a total heel for taking off my robe like that the other night and showing my bruises to everyone. I had let anger and spite move me to thoughtless action and poor Walter had once again borne the brunt of my foolishness by being drawn into a useless confrontation with Alucard. Alucard was right, I was pathetic and whiny.

"Walter," I said with all sincerity. "there is nothing to forgive."

There was an awkward moment of silence as Walter seemed to ponder a reply to my statement. For once, I was able to come to the rescue. I smiled and said lightly, "They are, after all, only a pair of gloves. No harm done, see?" I wiggled my arm to demonstrate. "But I am a bit hungry. Can we get something to eat?"

He eyed me for a moment then said. "Of course Ms. Doyle. What would you like?"

"Anything but chocolate." I said dramatically.

We both smiled a bit at that.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XL

It took two soul wrenching days for Griffin to teach me to maneuver the "Tortoise" about the motor pool lot without the constant grinding of gears and the unremitting wails of "Ach! Your a kellin her gel. Your kellin her!" from Bulls. Finally, on the third day, I was allowed to take the 'pur gel' once around the course on the proving grounds and managed to only run over two "pedestrian" pop-ups and a stuffed squirrel Bulls had thrown out in front of the transport.

I slammed on the brakes, throwing Griffin out of his seat and jumped out of the transport horrified and crying (just a little) thinking I had killed it. Griffin punched Bulls hard twice on the shoulder. Once, for making me cry and then again for offering me an oil rag as a handkerchief. Bulls apologetically pulled the mangled lump out from under the treads to show me it wasn't real.

"Wow," I said snuffling a bit. "Those treads really did a number on him."

"Ah the pur wee beasty, do you think he's done for Corrine?" Asked Bulls.

"Poor beasty my as-ah butt." Said Griffin. "Your the idiot who tossed it."

"Aye, but I dinna quite realize..."

"You want me to fix him for you?" I asked.

"Can ya you think?"

"I can try." I said.

"I've got a better idea." Said Griffin tossing me up onto his beefy shoulder and shouting 'Medic!" as he ran for the back of the transport. Bulls laughed and ran along behind us the "squirrel" flopping about in his hands.

Anders came charging in after us, medical bag at the ready only to find a dismembered stuffed animal on his gurney. "You think he'll pull through doc?" was all Griffin had time to say before Anders physically thew us out of the back of the transport calling us 'juvenile idiots' and something else, in German I believe, before slamming the door shut in our faces.

We all looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"I hope he's not too mad." I said. "He already doesn't like me."

"Naw, it's good. He ain't been properly pissed off in ages."

"What do you mean? He always seems angry to me."

"Yeah, he's been an angry SOB since we got here." Said Griffin.

"Aye all mopin and morose. Specially since you shewed oop."

"Gee, thanks." I said. "I feel much better now."

"Noo, noo he's been angry ya see but he haint been pissed off proper for some time."

"You lost me." I said.

"That's cause Groundskeeper Willie here don't speak English proper." Said Griffin. "Look it's simple. Anders has always been a moody one, 'thinks too much' the Sarge says. Thinks about things guys like us shouldn't think about."

"Like what."

"like when life begins, when it ends...where you go after you die. The kind of things that might make you think twice before you pull the trigger and blow some guy's head off. Make you think maybe you shouldn't cause what if he's got a family or what if I'm going to Hell for killing some guy I've got no beef with just cause I'm gettin paid too. Then it's your brains that end up spattered on the wall cause you can be sure that's not what the other guy's thinking, he's thinking I'm gonna kill this stupid SOB before he kills me."

"Too philosophical." Said Bulls.

"Yeah," Said Griffin. "Too many books, too much thinking."

I looked at them speechless.

"Look now, you've shooked her."

"Aww, it's just the truth is all. I mean ain't none of of saints. Corrine knows that."

"No, yes. I mean, I know it's the truth. I just never thought about it that way before."

"That's the ticket Corrine. There's stuff ya just shouldn't think too close about too often. You'll just wake up screaming at night and that's no good is it?"

"Of course." I said. Pushing my misgivings aside to think about later.

"See, she get's it."

"Smart gel."

"Yeah. But now see Anders, he gets stuck thinking about these things and then gets all moody and mad cause he can't stop. Usually, we can knock him out of it by doing something real stupid and annoying to piss him off. Then he can yell and blow off steam and be OK again for awhile. Not too bad a guy. Kinda funny in a over thinky sort of way."

"Boot lately, nothing we did would piss him oof and we rella di try, you know."

"I'm sure you did."

"Yeah but he wouldn't yell. He would just get more and more quiet and more and more angry. Finally the Sarge said to just leave him alone. That he could be as pissy as he wanted as long as he did his job right. So we did."

"Till now."

"Yeah, well, the squirrel thing was just to good to miss."

"Brilliant."

"Yeah."

"Well, it was kind of funny." I admitted. "Do you think it worked?"

"I hoope so."

"Yeah, the yellin' in German was a good sign. He usually only does that when you break something."

"So now what?" I asked. We still had an hour left in my training session and Anders had locked himself, and the keys, inside.

"Tch, we rella should get er back un there afore Mr. Walter comes back."

"Yeah, with that damn clipboard lookin all dissapprovin like."

"Or the Sargent..."

"shi...oot. We gotta get her back in" Griffin looked at me apologetically. I smiled back at him. tickled at his efforts to not swear around me. 'How odd my life is.' I thought.

"Can ya jimmy the lock Porn?" Asked Bulls.

Griffin nodded. "But you'll need to distract Anders. He's wicked mean with those needles."

"Hmm." Said Bulls. "Tricky."

"We could just ask him to open the door." I said.

"Naw" Said Griffin. "Oh, I know. Corrine, why don't you.. (whisper, whisper)..Ouch!"

I glared at him barely amused.

"Fine, leave your top on. Oh, I know, you could bend over to get something and.. Ouch!"

"Or," I said through gritted teeth. "we could just ask him to open the door."

"Nooo, I dunna think so Corrine. It hasta be tricky you see."

"Yeah, like if Corrine were to..."

Don't make me hit you again."

"OK, OK relax. No nudity sheeze."

"Oooh, I know." Said Bulls, introducing a very bad plan involving a tow truck and a diffused hand grenade.

"Naw," Said Griffin. "How about..." This was an even worse plan and involved a small brush fire.

"Or," I said marching towards the transport. "we could just ask him to open the door."

"Noo, Corrine. Noo! Ye can't ask him! It hasta be tricky."

"Yeah, or it don't count. See?"

"Fine." I sighed. "I'll think of something."

"Good girl. I just need a minute, two tops, if he took the keys and I hav'ta hotwire it. "

"Don you cut my pur babe. She's been through enough."

I left them bickering,walked to the back door of the transport and knocked. "Anders?" I called out.

"What do you want?" Came his muffled voice through the door.

"Would you please open the door?"

"Why?"

" I..." I caught sight of Griffin circling the ambulance as Bulls kept waiving and tapping the side of his nose to remind me to be 'tricky'. I sighed. "I um, hit my head on the door frame when Griffin carried me into the Tortoise." I said.

"So?"

"I thought you could check it."

"Ha!"

I tapped my foot impatiently and was rewarded with a twinge where my leg had been clawed. "I ah, also think I may have ripped one of your sutures."

The door swung open a bit, Anders stuck his head out, stared at my leg a moment then said, "No you didn't" and slammed the door shut in my face.

Griffin who was now sidling his large frame along the far side of the vehicle gave me a thumbs up while Bulls was signaling me from the sidelines to 'stretch it out'. Subtle as turkey vultures, the both of them. I sighed and knocked again.

"Anders?"

"Still here?"

"Yes. Please open the door."

"Why?"

"Because you've locked us out and I have to drive us back to the motor pool before Walter or Sergent Marks comes looking for us."

Anders poked his head out the door and glared at me. "Why didn't you just say that the first time?"

"Not tricky enough?" I asked meekly.

His gaze shifted to Bulls then back to me. "Ah." He said. His mouth twitched slightly. He cleared his throat then in a loud voice said. "You think you ripped a suture you say?" He gazed at me expectantly.

"Oh, ah yes. I think I may have." I said in an equally loud voice.

"Well best come in then so I can check it." He shouted, opening the door wider and ushering me inside. He shook his head as he closed the door behind me. "So they went with the honey trap. Surprised you've still got your shirt on."

I blushed. "This was the only plan that did not involve destruction of property and or nudity."

"Ripped sutures?" He said. "Has anyone ever told you what a terrible liar you are?"

"Pretty much everyone I've tried lying to." I confessed.

That surprised a laugh out of him.

"I really did bump my head though."

"Good." He said sternly but moving over to run gentle fingers across my scalp to find the small lump.

There was some muffled cursing outside as Griffin tried to jimmy the lock.

"Idiots." Said Anders.

"They really do mean well you know." I said.

He raised his eyebrow at me.

"In an oddly perverse and annoying kind of way."

"They're not even trying to be subtle anymore."

"They're just trying to cheer you up."

He sighed. "I know."

There was more muffled cursing and small metallic grinding noises as Griffin continued struggling with the lock.

"You would think he'd be better at this." I said remembering Griffin bragging about all the cars he'd stolen as a kid.

"Not if I've jammed the locking mechanism shut." He said. "Amazing what you can do with a clamp and some surgical tape."

It was my turn to laugh. "You're like Medic MacGyver."

"Yes." He said drolly. "He'll figure it out in a minute. He was born to steal. Follow my finger. Just your eyes please."

He straightened out tucking his pen light away. "Your good." he said. tossing me the keys.

"OK to drive then Doc?" I asked.

"Yes. Please do hurry before he tries to hotwire it."

"No." I said touching his arm. "I mean, is it OK to drive with you?"

He became quite still. "If I say no?"

"Then I ask Walter to put me somewhere else."

He stared at me intently for a long moment then held out his hand. "Lukas Anders." He said. "Looks like we'll be riding together."

"Corrine Doyle." I said. "Looks like we are."

There was a tearing noise then a sort of a 'sproingg ping' as the clamp broke loose and flew across the inside of the transport's cabin. A low, evil chuckle rumbled from Griffin as the lock popped open.

He actually seemed disappointed to find me already sitting in the driver's seat.

It all ended well though.

I manged to back the Tortoise into the garage without further incident and Bulls was so delighted that Griffin had not had to hotwire her that he presented me with a nice pink lay to hang from the rear view mirror. Anders pretended to hate it beyond reason in front of them both and so everyone was happy by the time Walter arrived to fetch me for tea.

Which, of course, made me happy.