Several thoughts raced through my mind in that moment not the least of which was astonishment that a man with only one eye could have such excellent depth perception and, of course, a mental note to kill Griffin. But first and foremost was the sinking realization that I was way in over my head. Fortunately, the one upshot to being trained by a vampire is that you learn to think fast and move even faster. I mean, once you've decided between fight and flight, it's just a question of looking for the exits.
"Well..." I said, then snatched the bowl of popcorn from Blaven's hands and threw it at the captain's head while simultaneously launching myself up and over the back of the couch. I landed with a thump, on my bad shoulder of course, muttered under my breath then popped up just in time to see an explosion of popcorn wash over a retuning Sherman and Anders as the bowl hit the wall inches from the door frame.
"What in God's name...?" Said Anders.
"Nimble little minx ain't she?" Said Sherman plucking a kernel off of his shoulder and tossing it in his mouth.
"Sure is." Said Marks. "I mean girls often run from the Capitan, just usually not that fast."
"Shut it." Said Burnadett.
"I was eating that." Said Blaven reproachfully.
"You too."
"Now Chanson, this is just silly." He said stepping around the sofa towards me. I backed away, carefully keeping the bulk of the couch between us while mentally calculating the distance to the door.
"Tut, tut Chanson," He said wagging his finger at me. "We both know I will beat you to that door." I knew this to be true. I haven't voluntarily run since my sophomore year of high school.
"Come back to me mon radis épicé and all will be forgiven."
"Did you just call me a radish?"
"I but express my tender feelings for you mon igname de chine visqueuse. Now come over here this moment or I will tackle you to the ground."
I edged a little further away from him.
"Fine, I promise not to spray you with the hose."
I hesitated, uncertain.
"Come now, " He said extending his arm out to me, palm up. "I just wish to talk, nothing more honnête."
"Ha!"
"You doubt my honesty?'
"Always."
"She is a smart one." Said Marks.
"Then we are at an impasse."
"Give Griffin back his chip." I said.
"What?"
"You heard me."
"You wound me Chanson."
"You'll get over it. Give Griffin back the chip and tell him the deal is off and I'll come over."
"She's got your number Pip." Said Marks.
The captain crossed his arms and gave me a speculative look. "Perhaps she does mon aime, perhaps she does." He threw back his head and laughed. "Very well Chanson, I give you your way. My apologies Griffin," He said tossing back the chip. "but one must always defer to the ladies."
"Aww Cap'n."
"...and our Corrine is, above all things, a lady." He held out his hand to me as I walked over. "Is she not?"
"Well, yeah." Said Griffin despondently.
"Told you." Said Stewart, winking at me.
It's not ladylike to stick out your tongue so I settled for a dainty roll of the eyes.
"Now that is better." Said Burnadett settling me back on the couch and sitting on the arm. "I still can not comprehend why you were so difficult. Is it, you know," He bent over me and whispered. "your woman's time?"
I pushed him off the couch.
"Is that a yes?" He asked rolling gracefully to his feet.
"No!"
"Then why...?"
"I was trying to prove a point."
"This point being?"
"How utterly impossible it is to deal with you when you won't stay on topic or give a straight answer."
"When have I ever done this?" He asked astonished.
"You do it to Seras all the time. She can't have a single conversation with you without you reciting a dirty limerick, singing a bawdy song or just asking her inappropriate questions about...about..."
"About?" he said grinning.
"About...Inappropriate things." I finished lamely.
"Ahh Chanson I see," He said taking my hand in his. "and I am so flattered that you wish to imitate me but, sadly, my sweet friend you are doing it all wrong."
"What?"
"Surely you see that you lack the gentle timing, the subtle wit needed for proper teasing."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning, when I do it it is funny and charming. When you do it, well, it's just annoying."
I gasped.
"It is not your fault Chanson." He said patting my hand like I was a small child. "Some people just aren't clever enough that's all."
I pulled my hand from his grasp. "You! You...arrgh!
"I think it's cute the way she can't say it." Said Stewart.
"What do you expect, I heard her say 'fudgesicles' when she hit the floor earlier." Said Blaven.
"I like when she says 'Jiminy Cricket'." Offered Zelig. "Makes me think of Disneyland."
"Then there's 'sugar beets'" Said Griffin.
I covered my face with my hands .
"Aww it's OK Corrine." He said. "We all think it's cute but really there are some word's, ya know natural words between a man and a woman and sometimes between a man and a ..."
Marks smacked Griffin on the head. "Why don't you save up that charm for nurse Pringle."
"I've got plenty enough to share round Sarge... Ow!"
"Trust me, you don't."
"Have you even asked her yet?" Interrupted an exasperated Anders
"Hadn't quite gotten to that yet." Said Stewart. "The Capitan was having too much fun."
"I was working my way round to it." Said Burnadett.
"Oh for the love of..." Said Anders striding over to me. "Corrine, we want to know if that vampire is still using us as an excuse to hurt you during training."
"Now what would make you ask a silly question like that?" I said looking down at my feet.
"Just answer." Said Anders.
"No, of course not." I said to the ceiling.
"Oh, that's just sad." Said Stewart.
"Pathetic," Agreed Griffin. "Forest Gump wouldn't buy that one."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means, Chanson, that you are possibly the worst person at lying that I have ever met." Said Burnadett shaking his head in wonder. "How have you managed to survive this long in this modern age?"
"I..."
The captain stopped me, placing his hands on my shoulders and looking deep into my eyes. "Cuts and bruises and broken bones are fine, expected even as you say, during training. You can pierce, tattoo, even brand yourself on your own time no matter. It is not our business or concern. But, that vampire, using threats against us to force you to endure abuse, that Chanson, is our business and not to be tolerated."
I looked up from his solemn gaze to the earnest expressions reflected around the room. A bunch of school-yard bullies, the lot of them, banding together to defend their geeky sister from the baddest bully of them all. It was totally unnecessary and stupidly suicidal but ever so wonderful of them to even think it.
"Oh," I said, choking up with emotion. "Oh that's so...thank you...that's sweet. I threw my arms around Burnadett's neck and gave him a squeeze. "You are all.." I said taking his face in my hands and planting a big kiss on his cheek. "so very sweet. The lot of you!" I said throwing my arms wide to encompass them all. "But totally unnecessary." I said.
" So, these bruises have nothing to do with us? Nothing whatsoever?" Asked Anders.
"Well, I didn't say that." Anders started to protest so I held up my hand. "Now let explain. No, better yet, let me show you."
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