LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLIX

"I'm afraid this is really going to be annoying for Seras." I said.

"Oh yes?" asked the captain hopefully.

"Try not to look too thrilled." I said. "You got her cell number?"

"Speed dial one." He said pulling out his phone and grinning.

"OK. Don't call her yet. Just be ready."

And so, much to Seras' exasperation, began "The Great Vampire Hunt". Well maybe "Great" is bit of a stretch but the title "The Highly Educational Yet, Terribly Interesting And Vastly Entertaining Search for Seras across the Hellsing Estate" while more accurate is, in my humble god-like opinion, a bit too convoluted for public consumption.

Basically; I sang, Seras ran and the captain made crank calls.

Specifically; I demonstrated my new-found ability to locate and track the movements of the undead from a "relatively" safe distance.

It was a bit like the method I had been using to send messages and images to Seras for the last couple of weeks but, instead of throwing balls of thought at her to catch; I was casting my awareness out like a net to find her position without actually sending her any sort of message. It's a bit like sonar but instead of using sound, I was using thought to "see" without being seen or sensed rather.

It was the not the sensing part for me that had been hard to learn. At this point, I could find Seras in my sleep but the not being sensed part, that was much harder and according to Alucard, being quite key to my future survival in the field, the reason for my most recent set of bruises.

I am apparently clumsy as an ox and loud as, well, a “stupid, clumsy ox” on the psychic plane. It was annoying enough, he said, that he had to listen to me "squawking" at the top of my mental lungs as Seras and I "blathered on and on like idiots", but one moronic misstep while I was scanning a building for vampires and I would not only give away my physical location but expose myself to a possible mental backlash that could leave me brain dead, if I were lucky or howling, gibbering mad if I were not. Gosh, he's fun. So he taught me how to make my general thoughts more diffuse so they would blend in with the background and create a sort of mental white noise while I was casting out and sifting through the echoes in my net.

Here, is where the quick have a slight advantage over the dead. You see, life is everywhere and living things, even if it is on the most rudimentary level, think and thinking creates waves or noise if you will, on the psychic plane. And humans, apparently, make a lot of noise. Not, according to Alucard, because we are sentient or self aware but because we are so unbelievably self-centered. From our first breath to our last, we humans literally sing a non-stop chorus of "Me, me, me, me, I, I, I!”. When I pointed out to him that he was without a doubt, hands down, the most egotistical, self centered creature I had ever met, he laughed and said of course he was and rightfully so but vampires, already being aware of their extreme superiority over all living things, felt no need to muck up the aether chuntering on about it. That, and the fact that one vampire is just as likely to attack and destroy another vampire just for the fun if it, or maybe that was just him. Either way, not so much noise.

So, the advantage for me then was that a human can theoretically learn to blend their thoughts in with the thoughts of the quite literally millions of their fellow living creatures in a given acre but the undead are usually quite spare on the ground and therefore, once you knew what to look for, much easier to spot. Think of it this way, if you had a portable brain wave scanner pointed at a goldfish, you could expect at least some reading be it the smallest of wiggles, you would not however expect any reading from say a grandfather clock or bowl of soup*.

*Should you get such a reading from a grandfather clock, I suggest you check for mice. Should you get such a reading from your soup, I suggest that you immediately throw it away.

At first, I tried to just be background noise when looking for Seras and not human at all, just a random living thing. I tried thoughts like “How lovely to be an ant today” and “perhaps I can grow my roots a bit deeper to reach that water.” But what came across to Seras was more like: “OK, so, I’m an ant now, hmmm...What do ants think?...‘EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY’... OK, T.H. White notwithstanding?...‘Mammy, mammy, mammy’...Ack! No stop it...Perhaps if I were a plant...Plants need water so...OWW!...Did he just throw a grape at me?..." and so on.

So after Alucard's gentle prompting I worked on being human background noise. Just a generic human no one in particular. Certainly no one who had any interest whatsoever in vampires or other such non-existent nonsense. This went over almost as well as the ant disguise. You know how when a cat pretends it is not in the least bit interested in the bird hopping a few feet away from it? Well, I was the cat, Seras was the bird and Alucard was a big pile of rocks landing on my head.

Eventually, after much bruising and an ear full of raspberry juice, (where does he get all of that fruit?) I finally hit on a method that would focus most of my random and subconscious thoughts away from the task at hand while also masking my scans as background noise but still leaving me nominally aware of my surroundings.

I sang.

When I sing, I tend to sing loud, both on the physical and psychic plane and when I really get into a song I start broadcasting my thoughts and emotions across those planes as well. These broadcasts can be used to both mask and enhance my ability to sweep a given area for the non-living. So instead of hearing "Gee, I wonder if there are any vampires about?" they hear "Do wah ditty ditty dum ditty do." or something of the kind. It was so annoyingly simple, I could of kicked myself.

The tricky part is to not think about what you are doing and learning not to get distracted while you are doing it. That, apparently, is where the fruit comes in. Because believe me, having odd bits of produce hurled at you with inhuman force at unpredictable intervals is very distracting. Not to mention painful, sticky and more than a bit humiliating. But if a piece of my pride and the ability to wear short sleeve shirts in public is the cost I have to pay to save the life of one of my boys, it's a bargain. Just don't tell them that. They're cocky enough as it is.

It was pretty routine at first. I would tell the captain where Seras was then he would call her up and confirm her location, then he would harangue her with a description of several interesting things that a young, healthy and exceptionally flexible couple could do with each other in that particular room. Normally I would chastise him but Stewart needed time to track her signal and many of his suggestions were quite intriguing. It's been a very long time and I'm only human.*

*No really, I got the all clear about a week ago from the lab staff. I am altered but now officially, "mostly human".

...Anyway.

It worked splendidly for about 20 minutes and six rooms until a particularly intriguing scenario involving a card catalog drawer and one of the rolling ladders in the library put forth by the captain, caused Seras to throw her cell phone into the fireplace. Stewart tried to bring her another one but she merely thanked him sweetly then promptly locked it in her sock drawer.

So much for that, I thought but a clever Stewart had secreted a tracking device on her uniform so we were back in business. Only this time, instead of pinging Seras and waiting for conformation of her location, we were able to test my ability to track her movements in, real time.

It was kind of surreal, but in a fun way. I would be rolling along singing, say a Jim Croce song, and seemingly random words and phrases would slide into the lyrics such as, "...and if you go down there you'd better just beware of she's in the laundry room..." or "...I'm in love with a roller derby rose parlor..." and the like. And once Seras got warmed up to the game, it became a real challenge to keep track of her. She's sneaky and can move real fast.

I even managed, for the most part, not to get distracted by what was going on around me. I slipped a bit when I made the mistake of starting to sing "Like a Prayer" forgetting Griffin's visceral dislike of all things Madonna. Personally, I can take her or leave her but I've always sounded good singing that particular tune so I went for it. But then I had to listen him him gripe about how annoying Madonna was coupled with Sherman's "At least she's sexy, now that Sade, she's annoying...and bald." ??? A point which Griffin grudgingly conceded 'but still'...

"...When you call my name it's Sinéad O'Connor..." I sang at them.

"Where the what?" Asked Stewart hands pausing above his keyboard where he was plotting my sightings over his tracking signal.

"...I want to take you portrait gallery..." I corrected.

Stewart narrowed his eyes at us but resumed typing.

"That's right," said Sherman, "Sade's the one with those pouty lips."

"Right." Said Griffin. "Nothin annoying bout those lips. Not-at-all. You can sing a Sade song if ya like Corrine, I won't mind. Just no more Madonna."

"Or Sinéad O'Connor." Added Sherman.

"Right." Agreed Griffin. "Too annoying." ... "So, ya gonna sing a Sade song Corrine?"

I clacked my tongue against my teeth trying to to focus on not focusing. Lips indeed. I only wish I knew any Sinéad O'Connor songs. Annoying? I'd give them annoying. I'd give them annoying real loud.

"I had a dream, a dream about you, baby. It's gonna come true, baby. They think that we're through, but baby,..."

"What the bloody..?" Yelped Stewart.

"...You'll be swell! You'll be great! She's just now at the east gate..." I sang disgustingly satisfied with myself.

"You two, leave her alone before it gets worse."

"What could be worse than Ethel Merman?" Asked Sherman.

I grinned evilly.

"No, Don't!" Shouted Stewart who was more familiar with my repertoire.

But it was too late.

"Wave your little hand and whisper So long dearie..."

"Dear God what is that?" Barked the captain.

"...You ain't gonna see me anymore..."

"Carol Channing." Sighed Stewart.

"...And when you discover that your life is dreary..."

"It's quite, loud." Offered Marks.

"Don't you come a knockin' at my door..."

"Yes." Agreed Stewart.

"...cause I'll be all dolled up And singin' that song..."

"And kinda scary." Added Sherman.

"... That says you dog, I told you so..."

"Yep, she dead on perfect so,..."

"...So wave your little hand and whisper

So long dearie..."

"bugger off will you before she decides to do the second verse!"

The were several cries of distress and promises of good behavior and one 'I kind o' like it' from Bulls before they hit him.

"Dearie, should have said so long
So long ago!!!!"

I finished with a flourish and took a sip of Fresca.

Stewart raised a questioning eyebrow.

"She doubled back at the proving grounds and is headed back towards the front entrance." I said smugly.

He grunted and typed in the coordinates.

"Pretty cocky she is for a vampire's piñata." Muttered Blaven.

I sucked in an indignant breath and scanned my mental catalog of obnoxious songs prepared to make ears bleed.

"How bout a nice ballad?" Asked Marks quickly offering me another Fresca.

"Of course." I said sweetly. "How kind." murmured taking the offered soda.

"About a maid I'll sing a song,

Sing rickety-tickety-tin..."

"You have to love a girl who can sing Tom Lehrer." Said Marks smiling.

LETTERS FROM HELLSING XLVII

Several thoughts raced through my mind in that moment not the least of which was astonishment that a man with only one eye could have such excellent depth perception and, of course, a mental note to kill Griffin. But first and foremost was the sinking realization that I was way in over my head. Fortunately, the one upshot to being trained by a vampire is that you learn to think fast and move even faster. I mean, once you've decided between fight and flight, it's just a question of looking for the exits.

"Well..." I said, then snatched the bowl of popcorn from Blaven's hands and threw it at the captain's head while simultaneously launching myself up and over the back of the couch. I landed with a thump, on my bad shoulder of course, muttered under my breath then popped up just in time to see an explosion of popcorn wash over a retuning Sherman and Anders as the bowl hit the wall inches from the door frame.

"What in God's name...?" Said Anders.

"Nimble little minx ain't she?" Said Sherman plucking a kernel off of his shoulder and tossing it in his mouth.

"Sure is." Said Marks. "I mean girls often run from the Capitan, just usually not that fast."

"Shut it." Said Burnadett.

"I was eating that." Said Blaven reproachfully.

"You too."

"Now Chanson, this is just silly." He said stepping around the sofa towards me. I backed away, carefully keeping the bulk of the couch between us while mentally calculating the distance to the door.

"Tut, tut Chanson," He said wagging his finger at me. "We both know I will beat you to that door." I knew this to be true. I haven't voluntarily run since my sophomore year of high school.
"Come back to me mon radis épicé and all will be forgiven."

"Did you just call me a radish?"

"I but express my tender feelings for you mon igname de chine visqueuse. Now come over here this moment or I will tackle you to the ground."

I edged a little further away from him.

"Fine, I promise not to spray you with the hose."

I hesitated, uncertain.

"Come now, " He said extending his arm out to me, palm up. "I just wish to talk, nothing more honnête."

"Ha!"

"You doubt my honesty?'

"Always."

"She is a smart one." Said Marks.

"Then we are at an impasse."

"Give Griffin back his chip." I said.

"What?"

"You heard me."

"You wound me Chanson."

"You'll get over it. Give Griffin back the chip and tell him the deal is off and I'll come over."

"She's got your number Pip." Said Marks.

The captain crossed his arms and gave me a speculative look. "Perhaps she does mon aime, perhaps she does." He threw back his head and laughed. "Very well Chanson, I give you your way. My apologies Griffin," He said tossing back the chip. "but one must always defer to the ladies."

"Aww Cap'n."

"...and our Corrine is, above all things, a lady." He held out his hand to me as I walked over. "Is she not?"

"Well, yeah." Said Griffin despondently.

"Told you." Said Stewart, winking at me.

It's not ladylike to stick out your tongue so I settled for a dainty roll of the eyes.

"Now that is better." Said Burnadett settling me back on the couch and sitting on the arm. "I still can not comprehend why you were so difficult. Is it, you know," He bent over me and whispered. "your woman's time?"

I pushed him off the couch.

"Is that a yes?" He asked rolling gracefully to his feet.

"No!"

"Then why...?"

"I was trying to prove a point."

"This point being?"

"How utterly impossible it is to deal with you when you won't stay on topic or give a straight answer."

"When have I ever done this?" He asked astonished.

"You do it to Seras all the time. She can't have a single conversation with you without you reciting a dirty limerick, singing a bawdy song or just asking her inappropriate questions about...about..."

"About?" he said grinning.

"About...Inappropriate things." I finished lamely.

"Ahh Chanson I see," He said taking my hand in his. "and I am so flattered that you wish to imitate me but, sadly, my sweet friend you are doing it all wrong."

"What?"

"Surely you see that you lack the gentle timing, the subtle wit needed for proper teasing."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning, when I do it it is funny and charming. When you do it, well, it's just annoying."

I gasped.

"It is not your fault Chanson." He said patting my hand like I was a small child. "Some people just aren't clever enough that's all."

I pulled my hand from his grasp. "You! You...arrgh!

"I think it's cute the way she can't say it." Said Stewart.

"What do you expect, I heard her say 'fudgesicles' when she hit the floor earlier." Said Blaven.

"I like when she says 'Jiminy Cricket'." Offered Zelig. "Makes me think of Disneyland."

"Then there's 'sugar beets'" Said Griffin.

I covered my face with my hands .

"Aww it's OK Corrine." He said. "We all think it's cute but really there are some word's, ya know natural words between a man and a woman and sometimes between a man and a ..."

Marks smacked Griffin on the head. "Why don't you save up that charm for nurse Pringle."

"I've got plenty enough to share round Sarge... Ow!"

"Trust me, you don't."

"Have you even asked her yet?" Interrupted an exasperated Anders

"Hadn't quite gotten to that yet." Said Stewart. "The Capitan was having too much fun."

"I was working my way round to it." Said Burnadett.

"Oh for the love of..." Said Anders striding over to me. "Corrine, we want to know if that vampire is still using us as an excuse to hurt you during training."

"Now what would make you ask a silly question like that?" I said looking down at my feet.

"Just answer." Said Anders.

"No, of course not." I said to the ceiling.

"Oh, that's just sad." Said Stewart.

"Pathetic," Agreed Griffin. "Forest Gump wouldn't buy that one."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, Chanson, that you are possibly the worst person at lying that I have ever met." Said Burnadett shaking his head in wonder. "How have you managed to survive this long in this modern age?"

"I..."

The captain stopped me, placing his hands on my shoulders and looking deep into my eyes. "Cuts and bruises and broken bones are fine, expected even as you say, during training. You can pierce, tattoo, even brand yourself on your own time no matter. It is not our business or concern. But, that vampire, using threats against us to force you to endure abuse, that Chanson, is our business and not to be tolerated."

I looked up from his solemn gaze to the earnest expressions reflected around the room. A bunch of school-yard bullies, the lot of them, banding together to defend their geeky sister from the baddest bully of them all. It was totally unnecessary and stupidly suicidal but ever so wonderful of them to even think it.

"Oh," I said, choking up with emotion. "Oh that's so...thank you...that's sweet. I threw my arms around Burnadett's neck and gave him a squeeze. "You are all.." I said taking his face in my hands and planting a big kiss on his cheek. "so very sweet. The lot of you!" I said throwing my arms wide to encompass them all. "But totally unnecessary." I said.

" So, these bruises have nothing to do with us? Nothing whatsoever?" Asked Anders.

"Well, I didn't say that." Anders started to protest so I held up my hand. "Now let explain. No, better yet, let me show you."