LETTERS FROM HELLSING XVII

“We weren’t really going to do it you know.” I said to Walter as we got on the elevator.

“No, of course not.”

“I mean it.”

“Hmmm. I begin to wonder if perhaps you are not a bad influence on Miss. Victoria.”

“Walter no!” I gasped.

“But, still, one can not always control who befriends whom...”

I huffed back against the elevator wall unsure if he was teasing me.

“Walter?”

“Yes?”

“Why does Sir Integra want to see me?” I had been so happy to get out of the lab early that I had almost forgotten to feel apprehensive about my meeting. Almost. Our last words to each other after all had been about the possibility of her killing me.

Walter was his usual helpful self. “Perhaps you should ask Sir Integra.”

I shifted uneasily, my wounds suddenly hurting me more than usual. Perhaps Sir Integra had decided to not to take any risks on what I might become. Perhaps she had decided to just get rid of me. My head began to throb. Would she dirty her own hands with the job or get someone else to do it? I glanced up at Walter. Surely not, but then again, Seras had confided in me a few things about Walter. What they used to call him. What he used to do for Hellsing. How even Alucard showed him a level of respect 2nd only to that of Sir Integra. Seras told me how she had seen him in action once. How fast and deadly he was with his weapon of choice, the garrotte wire.

A sense of dread washed through me. The silver wire inside of me seemed to tighten and vibrate. A black fog descended and a voice began whispering in my head “They are going to kill you... They are going to kill you.” over and over. Terrible visions of my own death started flashing through my mind. Sir Integra, her face a haughty, indifferent mask, driving a long wooden stake through my heart. The force of her blows slamming me into the ground and pinning me to the floor. Alucard shooting me in the gut then casually reaching inside my wound to grasp the silver wire then twisting and twisting it until my spine snapped. Even my Seras succumbing to the blood lust and ripping me apart with gluttonous enthusiasm.

“They are going to kill you...They are going to kill you.” My wire began thrumming along with the voice. “No please no!” I thought but the visions continued. Walter strangling me in the elevator... This last image was so real, I could feel the cold monofilament wire wrapping itself about my neck biting into my flesh. Terrified, choking, I reached up and began to claw desperately at my throat. The thrumming of the silver threads increased and they began to grow hot.

“Not real.” I tried to say but could not speak. The wire was choking me, choking me. I pulled my fingers back bloody from the wire. I tried to beg Walter to stop but he just drew the wire tighter smiling coldly his eyes hard steel as the blood began to spill out of my throat.

“No”

The fog grew thicker. “You are dying. He is killing you.” The voice chanted.

I knew that voice.

“No” I said desperately. “Not real.” The silver wire felt molten now. A searing white hot pain shot through me bursting through the fog. “Not real!” I screamed at the voice. “Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!”

Reality slammed back into me like a speeding truck. I gasped air back into my lungs with sheer relief. How long had I been choking? The elevator chimed its stop in answer. Walter had turned towards me as if to say something but I stumbled back from him terrified. The image had been so real. When the doors opened, it was all I could do not to shove him aside and bolt from the elevator.

“Are you all right Ms. Doyle?”

“I, I’m fie.” I stammered. “I seem to be developing a headache.” That much was true. My head hurt horribly. My migraines had been getting progressively worse over the last couple of weeks, especially at night.

I still felt a bit wobbly as we entered Sir Intergra’s office. It was huge and quite tasteful but, like Walters office, very Spartan. Light shone in from several long windows which covered the western wall. They opened out on to a large stone balcony and shared the same lovely view as the library below but her large desk and chair were positioned so that her back was to the windows. There was a large, contemporary portrait of a middle aged man with a kind face hanging on one wall. I recognized him from the photos in the study and surmised it to be Sir Integra’s father the late Lord Hellsing.

Sir Integra herself sat behind her desk studiously pouring over some papers. “Please come in.” She said without looking up.

My footsteps echoing on the marble tile only served to increase the cavernous feeling of the room. There were no other chairs so I stood awkwardly in front of her desk while Walter handed her my charts from the lab.

The winter glare from the windows was exacerbating my headache so I glanced down at my feet then gasped and stumbled back a step as, just for a second, I thought I was standing on a plastic drop cloth. I looked back up at Sir Integra half expecting to see her with a gun in her hand. Instead she was frowning at me with a puzzled expression on her face.

“Are you unwell?” She asked.

I swore I could hear a faint chuckling. I narrowed my eyes and quickly glanced about the room but could not pinpoint the source of the sound. “I seem to have a headache.” I said. More chuckling, louder this time.

“I believe she is being psychically attacked by Alucard.” Said Walter who had appeared at my elbow with a glass of water and some pills. I nearly jumped out of my skin. I hadn’t even seen him coming. I accepted them with shaking hands. “She seemed to have an incident in the elevator as well.”

I felt the wires inside me start thrumming again. I felt a cold chill and heard a strange chittering sound and I seemed to catch the scent of old, dry earth. I wheeled around to face the wall where the painting was hanging.

“Walter your no fun. You used to be more fun.” Came Alucard’s voice from nowhere. There was a slight waiver in the air just to the left of the portrait then, suddenly, there he was stepping though the wall as if it were a doorway.

“I thought we had agreed not to perform any testing of this nature until after our meeting.” Said Walter striding back over to stand beside Sir Integra’s desk. “A warning at least was in order.”

“I wanted to see if my theory was correct.”

“Still, advanced notice.”

“I wanted to surprise you.”

“This is highly questionable. I thought she might be having a seizure.”

“Enough.” Sir. Integra interrupted. Both Alucard and Walter immediately deferred to her. I was astounded. “Well, how did she do?”

“You know I’m standing right here.” I said. “I wish people would stop talking around me as if I weren’t here.” This was as bad as the lab.

She fixed me with an icy stare. “I thought to include you in this meeting so that you might be able to provide some input but we can have it just as easily without you.”

Well that shut me up.

“Well?” She said, turning back to Alucard.

“Not bad for a human.” He said. “We had fun didn’t we Angel?”

“I almost died!”

“A love bite, nothing more.”

“You were trying to kill me.”

“Nonsense. If I wanted you dead Angel, you would be.”

“But I was chocking to death! You, Walter...”

“Yes, that was good wasn’t it?”

“No!”

He walked over and stroked my cheek gently then turned to Sir Integra and Walter. “I put some lovely images of us killing her in her mind. She was quite receptive. She especially took to the image of you killing her Walter, that one almost worked. Pity she caught on so quickly.”

Walters face was an emotionless mask but Sir Integra narrowed her eyes. I gave you permission to test her sensitivity, not scare her to death.”

“A game.” He said stroking my hair. “A mere lark. Right Angel?”

“You know how I feel about ensorceling Alucard.”

“I know we don’t want to be vulnerable to it ever again. I seem to recall the last time when both you and the Police Girl almost died.”

Sir Integra said nothing, just stared at him.

“Besides, it woke her up psychically. Made he quite sensitive to the presence. You saw how she felt me through that wall. She may be a bit jumpy around Walter for a while but other than that, no harm done.”

Sir Integra’s gaze shifted over onto me. A look crossed over her face, a mixture of pity and regret. For a moment, she seemed quite small and young behind that big desk. She glanced up at Walter and his carefully maintained impassive facade and her face quickly recovered its stony confident mask.

“Walter, her health?”

“Physical or mental?”

“Both.”

“Well physically she is healing at a remarkable rate and is in fairly good condition. Her body should be able to withstand the increase in activity the training would require.”

“And mentally?”

“Considering all of the factors, not too badly. She is still displaying some signs of trauma. Some odd mood swings which may or may not be directly related to Alucard’s machinations. She is showing a high level of adaptability to her peculiar circumstances but as Alucard has not yet revealed the specific nature of the intended training, it is hard to say what long term impact it will have on her. But, overall, she is relatively stable.”

My cheeks burned red and I stared at my feet a bit hurt and disturbed by Walter’s frank, impersonal analysis of me. Alucard clucked his tongue as he twirled a lock of my hair between his fingers. “What’s wrong lab rat.” He asked. “Walter hurting your feelings again is he?”

I whirled on him, my anger and humiliation welling up inside of me. “Now, now Angel. I thought we agreed that there would be no further of your pointless little tantrums.” He said.

At that moment I wanted nothing more than to slap him across the face, tell them all to go to hell and walk out of that office, out that front door and never look back. I was so sick of them and their stupid organization. As far as I was concerned they could all just .... but I had made a promise.

He tugged my hair breaking my train of thought. “Come now lab rat. There is no cheese but I expect you to run through my maze nonetheless.” I bit my tongue refusing to rise to the bait. “I offer you nothing, only that which I have already given. Your life and the lives of those children. Of course, you could always walk away.”

They were all looking at me, waiting. I closed my eyes. I could. I could just walk away. I probably should. But...no. I sighed and shook my head.

“You will keep your word then?”

I nodded squeezing my eyes shut tighter a single tear running down my cheek.

“Ah yes Angel, there will be tears” I felt his hand brush my cheek. The was a strange hissing sound and a whiff of burnt flesh as he leaned in to whisper. “And anger and pain and I will show you how to use them all.”

“Enough!” Said Sir Integra. “Ms. Doyle, I do not pretend to know what agreement you have made with Alucard and you may very well provide us with some much needed answers but I will not allow you or anyone else to be coerced into this. Please know that you have the right to refuse regardless of whatever obligation you may feel. We’ve all blood enough on our hands here that none should owe us gratitude. If anyone, those children owe their lives to you.”

I opened my eyes and stared at her shocked as she continued. “What we are asking of you may help us to save lives but it will not be pleasant and we will not force you to accept. The choice must be yours.”

We held gazes for a moment longer then I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. My head really did hurt. “I understand” I said “and I thank you but I will keep my word.” I glanced back up. Her face was a stony cold mask again, her moment of humanity gone. Of course, she had learned from the master I thought looking over at Walter’s emotionless face. I glanced at her father’s portrait. She certainly did not learn that from you I thought examining the kind features. I wonder what other tricks your little girl has learned from Walter.

I stole a look at the others in the room. Who were these people I was dealing with? What did I know of them?

A vampire. An inhuman monster that resembled a man but was unhampered by human morality. His reasons for saving me were his own. I was alive because it suited his purposes. I should expect no tender emotions from him such as love or pity.

Walter, a death dealer turned butler who had dedicated his life to the service of this organization. A man who dealt with scores of people every day but always held himself apart. No unnecessary ties. This house, this cause was his family. So why had he been so kind to me?

And they both served this girl. This woman-child who was the unquestioned authority of this place. Firm, uncompromising and zealously aggressive when it came to her charge. For her, the family mission was everything. No time for anything else. She was so young but she bore her burden with the supreme confidence of one born to serve this post. ‘Blood’ on their hands she had said. Yes, I believed it.

“Very well then” she said. “I suggest you get a good night’s rest. We shall begin tomorrow evening. Walter, please see to the details.”

And with that, I was dismissed. So much for getting my input.

I didn’t really care. Walter asked me to wait for him in the library and I practically bolted out the door. Once in the library, I stuffed myself into its highest, remotest corner and released the panic attack.

What had I just done? I had assuaged the conscience of a woman who would not have had the slightest qualms about killing me had I turned out to be something other than human. Had basically given her permission to turn me over to the tender mercies of a vampire so that I could take part in whatever sick, twisted game he had in mind. What was wrong with me?

I was angry. Angry at Alucard for being so cruel. Angry at Walter and Sir Integra for being so cold. Angry at God for asking me to do this and angry at myself for agreeing to do it. Angry! Angry, frustrated and in pain. My wounds still hurt and my migraine was practically blinding me.

By the time Walter found me, the pain had subsided and I had ridden out most of the waves of raw emotion but I was still crying. I wasn’t really upset anymore, I actually felt a bit numb but the tears kept coming nonetheless. Like the incident in front of Walters office, I was not so much crying as leaking. I stood up gingerly as he approached and turned my head away slightly trying to hide the tears.

“I am sorry Ms. Doyle, a psychic attack of that nature can be very unnerving.” He said holding out a crisply starched handkerchief .

My mouth twitched a little not so much at the memory of the attack but at the ‘Ms. Doyle.’. “No. I know it wasn’t real.” I said accepting the offered cloth. “Besides, it’s wasn’t your fault.”

“Still, to use those you know, Miss. Victoria, myself. It distresses me to think that these images might somehow negatively impact your relationship with her.”

“It wont.” I said dabbing my eyes. “I know that Seras would never harm me.” Although I’m not so sure about you Walter, I thought. Ironic that I am less afraid of the vampire than the butler.

Poor Walter, I mused, wiping away at those stupid tears. He thinks I’m crying because of what happened in the elevator. I guess it’s understandable, I will probably have nightmares about it for some time to come. I could still feel the ghost of the garrotte wire cutting into my throat but that was just an illusion. A cruel little game of Alucard’s. Nothing to curl myself up into a ball over. Some ‘Angel’ I would turn out to be if I couldn’t even handle the pre-test. No, I wasn’t crying because of that.

I looked up into Walter’s politely concerned face. How could I possibly explain it to him? Make him understand the utter sense of desolation, the painful loneliness and isolation which seemed to permeate this place. How sometimes it just overwhelmed me. How standing in that office I had felt naked and without allies. How the thought of being alone and unloved frightened me far more than anything Alucard could possibly do to me. How could Walter, a man of solitude and self control, a creature of this desolate place, possibly understand my fears or, if he understood them, how could he not despise me for my weakness?

Perhaps I was being unfair. Perhaps, as usual, I was laying my frustrations at his feet. He was after all , in his own way, being kind to me. This is who he was and it was wrong of me to expect him to be anyone but himself but I wanted so much to believe his kindness had been more than just a chance to observe me. That he wasn’t just doing his job. I don’t know why it mattered to me but it did.

The events of the morning had left me raw and unbalanced. It was best to let him believe that it was the illusion that was upsetting me. I sighed and began walking towards the staircase. This was all dangerously close to wallowing in self pity and I had made a promise not to do that any more.

I just wished I didn’t feel so alone.

“You are not alone.” came the voice.

I froze midway down the spiral staircase listening. The clouds broke and sunlight streamed in from the windows striking the dust motes, painting them gold and causing them to sparkle like diamonds as they danced slowly though the room. It was so lovely, I could not resist stretching out my hand to catch the nearest sunbeam. It felt warm and sweet like liquid gold pouring all around. I cupped my hand and let it pool up then stream out between my fingers. I closed my eyes and stepped into the sunbeam.

I could sense God’s love and the beauty of his creation all around me. That reassuring presence telling me that I was not alone and it was going to be OK. I felt truly happy for the first time in a long while. I was still crying but now they were tears of joy. I was strong enough, I would never be alone and I would always be loved.

I opened my eyes wiping away the last of my tears and reached up to catch another sunbeam sighing with pleasure. “Oh how lovely.” I whispered. I turned to Walter smiling. “A sunbeam can make everything look so beautiful can it not?” I said offering up a tear soaked, sunbeam drenched handkerchief to him.

“Yes.” he said. “ Lovely.” The dust motes danced between us as he stared at me for a moment. The he reached out solemnly, as if I were handing him a holy relic, and gently plucked it from my hand tucking it into his glove.

The somber expression on his face made me laugh. “Oh Walter, I haven’t gone mad I promise. It’s just that this place can be so gloomy and then every once in a while we get a reminder of how lovely it can all be. How something as simple as a sunbeam can give so much pleasure and show us the beauty of God’s creation.” I stopped suddenly feeling awkward under Walter’s puzzled, polite stare. “I guess that sounds a little hokey to you.”

“On the contrary. I thought it was quite eloquent.”

I looked down at my hands hoping he wasn’t just humoring me. Observing me.

“We get so engrossed in our day to day tasks that it becomes easy to miss the small gifts that can give us pleasure.” He said.

“Yes.” I said smiling down at my hands.

“But for now I’m afraid, I must take you back to the lab.”

“No Walter, not that.”

“I am sorry but Dr. Levin insists.”

“Please Walter, I can’t take it. I have no more blood or fluids to spare. There is no more left to give. I am a dried out husk.”

“There’s that glass of water I gave you earlier.”

“Oh now Walter!”

“It’s a memory test nothing more, I assure you.” He said. “They want to get a baseline on your cognitive skills before you begin your training with Alucard tomorrow .”

I groaned inwardly, Something else to look forward to. “They’ll poke me Walter. They always do.” I said petulantly.

“Nonsense. I told you, it’s a cognitive test.”

“They’ll find an excuse.” I’m not sure why but I was taking a perverse pleasure in making Walter coax me out of that library and once again, for some reason, he was putting up with it.

“Come now Ms. Doyle, the sooner we get you there the sooner it will be over.”

I gave him an incredulous look then sighed. “Very well then.”

“Besides, if they start the testing now, you should be finished in time to join me for tea. That is, if you would care to join me?”

I smiled up at him. “Yes Mr. Dolneaze, I think I would.”

Well, it wasn’t that bad and I did finish on time for tea. Although I did cast several meaningful glances at the fresh band aid on my arm where they had stuck the needle in almost before I had gotten all the way in the door. Walter just smiled slightly and offered me another scone. And thus our fragile friendship was mended.